Thread 2: Husband's now not-so-secret drinking problem

[Stickywhitelovepiss]

A thousand thanks to those who posted on my thread over the last 6 months.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3606514-Hand-hold-DH-missing-after-accident?watched=1&msgid=92322070#92322070

Short story is that husband got arrested for suspected drink driving in the middle of the day six months ago, and had muggings here believing it was all one big misunderstanding. Results have only this week been communicated - he was over the limit and is being charged accordingly.

Turns out he has been harbouring a secret drinking problem for way, way longer than I knew. In the last 6 months his drinking has escalated massively (or at least become more apparent to me), and I am under no illusions now that he is an alcoholic.

Rationally, and having read up on all the conventional wisdom on this front, I know I need to have him leave till he either sorts himself out, or we call it a day after 12 years.

Emotionally, it is tearing me in two.

I won't be making any sudden moves before Christmas, but please keep talking to me in the meantime. I'll be going to an Al-Anon this week, but right now it's you lovely nest of vipers that is keeping me sane...

Al Anon and my GP both commented on how calmly and articulately I presented - though that's by no means the case on the inside.
Did you tell them that? It's important that you let the people who are supporting you know how you are feeling inside.

@Goldenflaps, yes I did - made clear I have cried and continue to cry my tears.

OH knows I have spoken to my Dad and somehow guessed I’d been to a solicitor too - but absolutely refuses to engage on either subject. As in la la la don’t want to talk about it.

But he seems to have been dry (or at least much dryer) the last several days. Immediate next steps for me are to get through Christmas, and take stock in the new year. Much will depend on how far he chooses to engage with AA and other forms of counselling to deal more constructively with stress.

One day at a time from here, but with a new resolve to act accordingly as and when, and to keep talking to my Dad in the interim.

All good wishes to you OP. I'm glad you've spoken to your dad.

My DH is an alcoholic and has been 'recovering' for over a year now. I say 'recovering' with the scare quotes because he is taking it seriously, he has seen GP and local addiction services and goes to counselling and a support group, but also he has relapsed three separate times in the last year. He is dry now (I think, although I can never 100% know he hasn't started up again) but our marriage still feels very rocky, and even if he never touches another drop it's going to be hard to build up all that trust back again, not just the relapses but everything, even when I didn't realise the scope of the problem he had but realise in retrospect how much he was lying to me. (And to himself, alcoholics are masters at lying to themselves.)

I say this not to fill your heart with doom but just to say that it's a long and rocky road ahead even if your partner properly engages with AA and admits the scope of the problem he has. It's good that you have people to talk to and please, please keep talking to them. I haven't found Al-Alon that useful myself but that might well just be my local group, as I've heard so many people say it helped them massively. There are also online meetings (not sure if Al-Anon have them but SMART Recovery do) which can be useful.

My OH's view is that an alcoholic can't fix themself without professional/specialist counselling, because the only tool they have to fix it (their brain) is compromised by the addiction. So the alcoholic absolutely needs someone outside the situation to lead them through until their own thoughts are healthy enough to take it on.

*OH knows I have spoken to my Dad and somehow guessed I’d been to a solicitor too - but absolutely refuses to engage on either subject. As in la la la don’t want to talk about it.

But he seems to have been dry (or at least much dryer) the last several days. Immediate next steps for me are to get through Christmas, and take stock in the new year. Much will depend on how far he chooses to engage with AA and other forms of counselling to deal more constructively with stress.*

Don’t waste your finite emotional energy trying to get him engaged or concerning yourself with his alcohol consumption or worrying how he does or doesn’t access AA etc.

That is still being involved and enabling - it is not “detaching with love”.

Your sole focus now is on YOU - not noticing every little thing he does or doesn’t do. And not making YOUR future being dependent on what he does or doesn’t do.

For starters you will have no idea what the actual truth is - he can promise you anything, threaten anything, create a facade of attending AA, drinking less etc. But this is most likely total BS - and do you know how we know that ? Because he has lived is life to date in your RS totally deceitfully and deviously - he has been lying to you 24/7 for years. This is what he is capable of, well practiced in and this is who he is. Addicts spend their lives gas lighting, lying, being deceptive.

But by “detaching with love” you will give him space and a vacuum to reflect, change and grown into if he chooses. You will remove the resistance to you, you will have dropped the rope, changed the dynamic and he has to face the bleak consequences of his choices.

Most recovery programs endorse total abstinence with someone with such a serious alcohol problem as your OH (secret, daytime drinking, drink driving etc) - so the “cutting back” (that will just be on the surface for your benefit) is unlikely to work.
They also recommend to the alcoholic not to start a RS until they are a whole year sober.

(I don't mean an enabling partner, I mean someone totally outside the situation and trained in addiction counselling)

@Gutterton - I guess the difficulty for me is a practical one, i.e. we're still in the same space, in the same small flat, day in day out, so at a logistical level very hard to 'detatch'. I can't not be aware of what he's doing and not interact.

Rationally, I know the best thing for him to do would be to move out for a period, and either use that time to get it together or not - but that feels such a decisive step, i.e. that's really it, over, after 12 years..

I am working up to that, unless by his actions and not just words he truly demonstrates a commitment to sobriety, AA, etc. And I will not be making him - it has to be his own choice.

I'm a bit worried about how he 'guessed' you went to a solicitor. Sorry, maybe previous MN experience has made me paranoid, but maybe he is following this thread or is reading your emails. Sorry.

@CanISpeakToYourManager - it was more that I said I needed the car on a weekday to run a few errands (not usual). I'm not sure how far he known mumsnet exists, other than that we're all a bunch of venomous harridans!

Okay, as long as you are safe online! As you say, your lives are pretty interconnected so v hard not to pick up on small signals... works both ways.

I can't not be aware of what he's doing and not interact.

Al anon will help you to “detach with love”.

You will be supported through this emotional process to learn to step back, switch off, distract and resist your feelings to get pulled in and interact with him around his drinking issues - which in reality probably touch all aspects of your life 24/7.

Anything less is enabling. That’s v hard to understand, come to terms with and even harder to implement.

When is his court case and is he still driving?

@Gutterton - I understand that in theory, but what about all other interaction? I.e. doing the shopping, making dinner, sleeping in the same bed each night (no spare beds in our flat currently), etc.

He is awaiting an update from the court around the date of next meeting, which I think the police will have to produce evidence that they followed correct procedure (I think).

He is also under instruction that he will be removed from my car after Christmas, and I'm keeping a hold of the keys until then.

Well done Sticky. Your dad is a star!

Compartmentalise.

Resist the urge to act or comment on anything to do with his drinking. Try not to notice how much he is drinking or go looking for stuff and if you do notice something and are triggered - resist doing / saying anything. Detach.

Normal day to day stuff as long as it has not been a consequence of drinking (eg forgot to buy something, do his laundry etc) is fine to interact on.

But look closely at how your behaviours have a

...adapted over the years unconsciously to accommodate his drinking and reverse that.

Eg Sunday’s wasted whilst he nurses a hangover - get up and get on with what you want to do.

^^ everything that Gutterton says.

It's how I did it living in the same house with my husband while I was in the process of divorcing him and he was in the process of sabotaging himself and wallowing in self-pity.

But I'd take him off your car insurance now, and email him confirmation so if he does get the keys he can't say he didn't know.

what about all other interaction? I.e. doing the shopping, making dinner, sleeping in the same bed each night

That is the difference between 'detaching' and 'detaching with love'.

The former is the precursor to separating. The latter can be done as part of a relationship.

When detaching with love all mundane, non-working related tasks continue. But you completely detach from everything that is directly or indirectly related to drinking.

Coreection... mundane, non-drinking related tasks continue.

Well he looks to be still dry, and we felt more like our old selves over the weekend.

Too good to be true? Probably. Trying to keep on my guard, rather than set myself up for a fall.

Early days.

So glad you managed to talk to people about this.
I'm the same with my dad.
He's my world and he looks after me - bless him.
You are doing all the right things.
Take each day at a time for now.
Stay strong!

Hope you are having a peaceful Christmas, OP.

Thank you @Junie70 - yes, a very peaceful Christmas. Put everything to the back of my mind and spent some lovely time with the family. Dad asked me if I wanted him to “have a word”, and I may well take him up on that on another occasion, but just wanted to focus on Christmas for that visit.

OH is still as far as I can tell completely dry - or at least since the wine and cola attempt. We’ve been together in such close proximity the last few days that I actually don’t doubt that he is not drinking - or has at least cut down to an amount barely perceptible, which in itself I would never have thought possible.

It’s something of a head fuck in itself. He’s been his old self, and the (relative) ease that he’s not drinking makes me wonder if he was more problem drinker who needed a serious wake up call than “true” alcoholic as such (no shakes or other cold turkey indicators at any time), and the beta blockers are possibly, maybe doing the trick (all along I have suspected the true root cause is his crippling anxiety). That, or he is just seriously good at hiding it - but his demeanour and breathalyser (which he keeps taking to prove it) say otherwise. He is also sleeping better than he has in years, and has lost nearly half a stone.

I had lunch today with my colleague in the know today, and was saying that - as positive a step as this is - the anxiety as to the where what when why of the daily drinking is now replaced by an anxiety as to whether this is real, permanent or how long till the facade breaks?

I’m hopeful but not naive, and in a way massively conflicted at the minute. Part of me almost hopes that he has a massive bender sooner rather than later so I really can “know” in my own mind that this is really it and call it quits with no “what ifs” or regrets. The other part of me hopes and prays that day will never come.

One day at a time, and back to AA/Al Anon in the meantime. He has one chance to keep this going, and on the first fuck up he is 100% out of the door.

Oh, I forgot to say that I’ve now seen all the police documents, and turns out much of his original story (aside from the being over the limit bit!) was true. Police report did say he blew satisfactorily into the breathalyser but it kept coming up incomplete - hence being taken to the station.

Not that it really matters at this point, but just for the record.

Alcoholic is a shade of greys term. It's a term for alcohol abuse. It doesn't mean someone physical addiction is a must.

Your DH was what you could call early alcoholic:

www.alcohol.org/alcoholism-types/stages/

That doesn't mean he hasn't genuinely after the wine/coke issue decided enough is enough.

The changes in himself and sleep sound correct and positive. Is he motivated by that himself? I know how great I feel without alcohol is a huge motivation for not touching it.

He's doing well.