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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can his separated wife make him choose between me and his kids?

171 replies

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 16:04

Advice needed please. I am with a man who has been separated from his wife for 3 years. He has 2 biological children from his marriage plus 1 stepson. We have had a great relationship for the past few years and he was going to ask for a divorce with it being 2 years separation. Also his son and daughter go to the same school as my daughter so we have had days out too as a family. He has never told his wife he was in a new relationship as everything was plain and simple and worked well. Anyhow she has found out through the wonders of facebook that he is in a relationship with me and all out war has started. She has given him an ultimatum, it's either keep me or his kids. Can she do this? Is there anything legal he can do so he keeps both? I'm so down over it and not eating or sleeping due to the worry of it all. Any advice would be great thanks x

OP posts:

Cream5 · 13/12/2019 16:11

No she cant do this, unless she can prove her children are in danger when theyre in your care? You would likely have to have a social service record / criminal record.

She cant withold the children because of a girlfriend in the same way men cant withold child support if they dont see their children.

plumbabe · 13/12/2019 16:14

Err what? No. She has no legal right to do that. Are you on the sex offenders register? Then she might have some power. They are separated. He does what he likes. He could have 5 girlfriends and it would be none of her business.

Hurdygurdy24 · 13/12/2019 16:14

Sorry she is putting you both (and the kids) through this.

Technically and legally I doubt she can do that, but from very bitter experience (I am a separated Dad) I can tell you that if the mother is determined to stop a Dad from seeing his kids she will probably crack on and do it and very few people will help him try and overturn her.

You will get replies saying that can't happen and that parents have equal rights but it really doesn't work like that in the real world - Been there, got the T-Shirt.

Don't let her dictate your lives but be prepared for the fact that if she wants to stop contact, she probably will, and there will be horrible, expensive and drawn out legal battles to get to rectify it. I am two and a bit years in, and my kids still haven't been "allowed" an overnight stay despite telling me, my ex and anyone else who will listen that they eat 50/50 care.

Hopefully she will do what is the right thing for the children which is of course to maintain a healthy relationship with each parent and for the parents to work together to co-parent. If she won't cooperate, there really is very little he can do.

plumbabe · 13/12/2019 16:14

If you need extra clarification, call a solicitor or post on here under the legal section

Original poster

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 16:16

Thanks Cream5. He only sees the kids at her house now so I dont see them nor will be able to in the future she says. I dont think she wants him to have a relationship with me or anyone as it seems she is using the kids at weapons to prevent that.

OP posts:

plumbabe · 13/12/2019 16:17

Hmm I’m sorry @Hurdygurdy24 but it does work that way now. I went to see a solicitor about separating from my husband and they were very clear that unless there is very good reason that he has a right to access. Every single friend I have who has separated, the dad has access. Even the one who had multiple affairs and got verbally nasty. You just need to get a good solicitor and stick with it.

plumbabe · 13/12/2019 16:17

She can’t do that @Dawizzy146 tell him he needs to go see a solicitor!!!

Original poster

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 16:18

Thanks plumbabe I totally agree and hurdygurdy24 sorry you are experiencing similar

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 13/12/2019 16:18

Legally, no she can't.
Morally, she can and probably will withhold access.
Some women are just cunts and use kids as pawns in their little games.
Your DP can go to a solicitor though and gain access through the courts.
It will cost money but if he ever wants to be free of her it will be money well spent.
He needs to start phoning round solicitors now.
They could issue a letter which might make her rethink her threats.

Epona1 · 13/12/2019 16:18

No she can’t withhold the children from him, and if she does then there’s court orders.

He doesn’t have to ask for a divorce either, if it’s been 2 years then he can just file for divorce. He does not need her permission.

What does he say about all this?

Rainbowhairdontcare · 13/12/2019 16:19

So you don't see them but you've had days out? For the record she can't stop him but if she's stubborn it could end up in court.

Original poster

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 16:20

Plumbabe I think there was an incident with social services over her stepson about 10 years ago but since then he has paid and seen those 3 kids regularly

OP posts:

Epona1 · 13/12/2019 16:20

I also see she only allows him to see the children at her house as well.

He needs to get a back bone and put his foot down. He should be at least having alternative weekends and one evening/ night a week

Original poster

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 16:21

Rainbowhairdontcare we did have days out but since she has found out she won't allow it

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 13/12/2019 16:21

If he has been separated for 3 yrs why is he only seeing the children at her house , where does he live ?

LetsPlayDarts · 13/12/2019 16:21

Of course she can't dictate this!

Why does he see them at her home?

Hurdygurdy24 · 13/12/2019 16:22

Hmm I’m sorry @Hurdygurdy24 but it does work that way now. I went to see a solicitor about separating from my husband and they were very clear that unless there is very good reason that he has a right to access. Every single friend I have who has separated, the dad has access. Even the one who had multiple affairs and got verbally nasty. You just need to get a good solicitor and stick with it.

Of course technically and legally you are right. However those Mums are obviously cooperating and being reasonable.

If the Mum simply decides to stop contact she doesn't send the kids and there is virtually nothing the Dad can do other than fork out tens of thousands in legal fees to consistently see the court orders being breached with no repercussions for the Mum.

Its a fact and its a living hell for those going through it - believe me

Original poster

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 16:22

Epona1 he in a state as he cannot make that decision and it is tearing us apart

OP posts:

Twickerhun · 13/12/2019 16:22

Plumbabe it does still work like that - far to often. We are in court next week and dealing with lawyers routinely for similar issues of ex wife withholding access and alienating children. It shouldn’t happen but it does

Fairenuff · 13/12/2019 16:23

He can only see his children at her house?

Why isn't he taking legal advice over this?

HandsOffMyRights · 13/12/2019 16:24

You've been with him a few years yet they've been separated three years? Sorry, but was he separated when you got together and are they definitely separated now?

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 16:24

Well, she can try. You need a court order really, regular access, everything set out like birthdays, Christmases etc

however, if she wants to be a twat, she will simply ignore the court order and stop him seeing the children, and he will have to go to court again, and so on and so forth until you get a good judge who will hand her arse to her and threaten her with losing custody.

Original poster

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 16:24

He is staying with his mum at the moment who has not got the room for overnight visits so seeing them in their own home is easier and worked

OP posts:

plumbabe · 13/12/2019 16:25

Are you sure they are actually separated OP?

plumbabe · 13/12/2019 16:26

He needs to see a solicitor on Monday and file for divorce. It will then go to mediation and access will be sorted out properly

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