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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can his separated wife make him choose between me and his kids?

171 replies

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 16:04

Advice needed please. I am with a man who has been separated from his wife for 3 years. He has 2 biological children from his marriage plus 1 stepson. We have had a great relationship for the past few years and he was going to ask for a divorce with it being 2 years separation. Also his son and daughter go to the same school as my daughter so we have had days out too as a family. He has never told his wife he was in a new relationship as everything was plain and simple and worked well. Anyhow she has found out through the wonders of facebook that he is in a relationship with me and all out war has started. She has given him an ultimatum, it's either keep me or his kids. Can she do this? Is there anything legal he can do so he keeps both? I'm so down over it and not eating or sleeping due to the worry of it all. Any advice would be great thanks x

OP posts:

Hurdygurdy24 · 13/12/2019 16:26

however, if she wants to be a twat, she will simply ignore the court order and stop him seeing the children, and he will have to go to court again, and so on and so forth until you get a good judge who will hand her arse to her and threaten her with losing custody.

Or he runs out of money or simply can't take the stress anymore. This is the unfortunate reality of the situation.

Original poster

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 16:26

HandsOffMyRights yes he is definitely separated as I was at school when they were together. He moved out a year before our relationship began

OP posts:

msmith501 · 13/12/2019 16:27

Not only can she not do this but a judge would take a massively dim view. I'd call her bluff and head into court.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/12/2019 16:28

He lives with his parents and sees the kids at her house? Fine. So you don't need to have any contact with them.

He needs to tell her he can be with whoever he likes and that the children will always be his priority.

He needs to get a stable home and set up proper legal contact.

How long have the two of you been together?

Have his children had to lie to her about you?

NotStayingIn · 13/12/2019 16:30

Has he been at his mom's for three years? Since the separation? And has therefore always seen the children at ex's house? Or is this a more recent thing?

Original poster

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 16:30

GiveHerHellFromUs we have been together 2 years and no the kids have never had to lie for us. Everything was great until she found he was in a relationship and started the threats of choosing between us both

OP posts:

ShippingNews · 13/12/2019 16:31

You've been going out with his kids "as a family" but their mother just found out through Facebook ?? Something isn't right in this story. I'm sure that if his kids have been seeing you and Dad "as a family" they might have already told their mother.

LetsPlayDarts · 13/12/2019 16:31

He needs to find a backbone here OP.

He needs to find suitable accommodation for him and his DCs. He also needs to stop going over to hers...that's just weird.

readitandwept · 13/12/2019 16:32

How have you had days out with the kids without her knowing?

Fairenuff · 13/12/2019 16:32

So even if she agreed to it, he would not have the children at his place? There's no point in him taking her to court then is there.

Original poster

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 16:32

GiveHerHellFromUs yes 3 years at his mums as his dad has been ill and passed away earlier this year and he sees them at the ex or in town weekends since the separation as until she was unaware he was in a new relationship

OP posts:

Inliverpool1 · 13/12/2019 16:33

Court orders aren’t worth the paper they are written on. Try and stay out of court and deal with this like adults

Original poster

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 16:34

No as it was 3 school friends all enjoying a day out so she knew of course

OP posts:

Original poster

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 16:36

ShippingNews no they had no idea. We weren't all over each other just because we went out but he said when all sorted we would be a family

OP posts:

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 16:38

inliverpool clearly the ex is not willing to do that is she?

Quartz2208 · 13/12/2019 16:38

why on earth did he keep it from her for 2 years! And still has contact at her house.

I would be questioning that with him

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/12/2019 16:38

How old are the kids?

Rosepetals30 · 13/12/2019 16:41

He’s hid you for how long?!?!

This isn’t black and white surely

End of the day, his ex can’t demand that so there’s no decisions needing to be made

PositiveVibez · 13/12/2019 16:42

yes he is definitely separated as I was at school when they were together

Can you clarify what this means please?

Hurdygurdy24 · 13/12/2019 16:42

Try and stay out of court and deal with this like adults

If only life were this simple. If one party doesn't want to act like an adult or in the children's best interests, then the other really isn't left with any option but to fork out fortunes and try and drag it through court for a couple of years.

At which point the other part of your post becomes relevant, and she can just ignore the court order anyway.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 16:42

perhaps he's hidden the relationship because he thought she'd react this way?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/12/2019 16:44

He needs to see a solicitor ASAP and go through the courts. She cannot do this.

He also needs to get his own place and have the kids over there.

MySonThePotato · 13/12/2019 16:46

Legally, no she can't do this - your partner can take her to court.

In practice, if she's determined to thwart contact, she can. My husband was in a very similar situation and has a court order relating to his kids from his first marriage. His ex has found ways of sabotaging contact anyway.

If he lets her dictate to him in this way, he'll never be free of her, and he won't be able to have a serious relationship until his kids are adults. So I'd argue that standing up to her is the right thing to do. But he may find she undermines or destroys contact anyway, court or not.

Original poster

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 16:51

Yes he was with her when the kids started school but a year in they separated and he stayed at his mums where he has been past 3 years

OP posts:

Original poster

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 16:53

Bollykecks it seems that is the case and he has to sit alone on the days he isn't seeing the kids

OP posts:

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