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Original poster

Can his separated wife make him choose between me and his kids?

171 replies

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 16:04

Advice needed please. I am with a man who has been separated from his wife for 3 years. He has 2 biological children from his marriage plus 1 stepson. We have had a great relationship for the past few years and he was going to ask for a divorce with it being 2 years separation. Also his son and daughter go to the same school as my daughter so we have had days out too as a family. He has never told his wife he was in a new relationship as everything was plain and simple and worked well. Anyhow she has found out through the wonders of facebook that he is in a relationship with me and all out war has started. She has given him an ultimatum, it's either keep me or his kids. Can she do this? Is there anything legal he can do so he keeps both? I'm so down over it and not eating or sleeping due to the worry of it all. Any advice would be great thanks x

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/12/2019 17:49

That's not her call to make and he should definitely speak to a solicitor but he will NEED a stable home with space for the children, whether that's with you or elsewhere.

He hasn't done himself any favours by not sorting that sooner.

Is she happy to divorce? That's important too if you're serious about each other or she can divorce on the grounds of adultery.

Original poster
Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 17:49

It's impossible explaining. His family bar kids and ex knew we were together as did my daughter but the kids are not in the same class anyhow so they never really spoke and when we went out all together we were having fun with the kids not as a couple

OP posts:
Flusteredcustard · 13/12/2019 17:54

He can surely divorce her on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, to get it on the grounds of 2 years separation both would need to agree to it
She could presumably divorce him on the grounds of adultery, I wonder why she is seemingly not wanting to divorce

perfectstorm · 13/12/2019 17:55

OP if she's messaged you on Facebook, then maybe you could politely and calmly message back, saying you appreciate she is upset and that that was never your intention, and that you understood that they haven't been together for several years, and can she explain what about it troubles her so much?

Try to be polite and calm and civilised. Say you know she's a great mum as her kids always do her such credit, and that you have never intended to cause her, or them, any issues at all. Ask if maybe you could meet up for a coffee and talk about what could be done to make her more comfortable with it all, and if her concerns could be allayed. That sort of thing.

Apart from anything else, if this does reach a court and your messages are like that, while hers are abusive and seeking to blackmail with the kids as human collateral, then it won't look great for her, will it. And the optimal outcome would be that this has been a horrible shock for her, but she calms down, sees you as a human being who won't mistreat her kids, and you can reach a workable solution.

Please can you clarify this?

I think there was an incident with social services over her stepson about 10 years ago but since then he has paid and seen those 3 kids regularly

Why were social services involved? Over whom? For what? That implies he did something that caused social services to become involved with the family, and if it were 10 years ago and the stepson is still a child, then presumably he was primary - possibly even infant - age?

lunar1 · 13/12/2019 17:57

I get the feeling you are missing a piece of this puzzle, there is something he's not telling you otherwise he'd have gone to court/mediation when she stopped his seeing the children alone.

BloggersBlog · 13/12/2019 17:59

Did she give any reason for her feeling like this in her messages to you @Dawizzy146? Is it because she has been kept in the dark about it? Seems a bit OTT unless she was hoping they would get back together

GlitchStitch · 13/12/2019 17:59

His family bar kids and ex knew we were together as did my daughter but the kids are not in the same class anyhow so they never really spoke

This is a really shitty position to put kids in.

Original poster
Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 17:59

He has never been stopped from seeing the children, he chose to see them at her house which obviously I wasnt happy about but worked for all

OP posts:
Original poster
Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 18:00

It was the way she found out through facebook rather than him telling her directly

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 13/12/2019 18:05

As others have said, unfortunately it's fairly easy to ignore court orders and still make it difficult for the NRP.

I hate to say it, but perhaps if your DP had addressed the situation with her about you being introduced to the children (even with them knowing each other - you all going out together is still a step in a different direction) you might not be in this position now.

And I say at someone who's been the step parent in that scenario.

happycamper11 · 13/12/2019 18:05

I'm really struggling with the 'no room for the kids' part. We've recently spent a long weekend with family and there were 5 adults and 7 kids in a 1 bedroom house. We previously did 2 weeks that way... air beds down at night and up behind sofas in day, sofa beds utilised too. How can 2 dc not have room to visit in a home that presumably has 2 bedrooms. Makes no sense. I know families of 8 that live permanently in 3 bed homes.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 13/12/2019 18:20

and when we went out all together we were having fun with the kids not as a couple

And the 9 year old didn't twig? Didn't say anything?

samyeagar · 13/12/2019 18:26

For context, my ex-wife is clinically diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I filed when I discovered that she was having an affair with our youngest child's teacher. Our divorce was very high conflict. I spent more than $200,000 over the course of six years trying to fight parental alienation by my ex-wife. I obtained multiple court orders against her, but they were never enforced because, as I was told directly, that it was policy to not enforce these types of orders against mothers unless the physical well being of the children was at risk because they did not want to send the message that they prosecute mothers, and frighten women into not seeking legal help when they need it. At least in the United States, while the legal language may be neutral, in practice, the family courts are still very heavily slanted against fathers.

In the end, she ran out the clock as the kids are now all over 18, and only one of my three children see or speak to me.

samyeagar · 13/12/2019 18:27

And the 9 year old didn't twig? Didn't say anything?

It is possible that the kids know their mother, and know how she will react to things, and know when to be quiet...because they know their mother.

MashedSpud · 13/12/2019 18:30

I wouldn’t appreciate being hidden for so long but that’s another issue.

She can’t stop him seeing the dc because he’s moved on. I don’t understand her anger if they’ve been separated for so long.

I’m guessing it was your fb page she made the discovery on?

ACouchOfOnesOwn · 13/12/2019 18:32

Not to point out the obvious but if you say she 'spoke' to you on facebook messenger what you actually mean is someone typed a message to you from her account . . .if I were you, I'd actually talk to her in person. Also, can your clarify the social services comment. I'm concerned you don't know what happened yet have let him have access to your DCs.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 13/12/2019 18:35

The whole situation is ridiculous. Your DP has not dealt with the situation responsibly or maturely at all, once you became 'serious' he should have told her immediately. You should have chatted in person.

Finding out through Facebook messenger is juvenile nonsense.

Having said that it's wrong for her to use children as leverage, but it does suggest unresolved feelings on her part

willowmelangell · 13/12/2019 18:48

You have my sympathies. What is that phrase, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. The ex has just found out that actually her ex husband is not single and pining for her. Maybe in her head, the fact that he has not gone for a divorce meant 'something'.
You have done nothing wrong, quite the opposite. I can't imagine that you contacting her will help at all.

Is she single, on her own with the dc? If she has not dated by choice, she might think that her ex has betrayed her and the dc by having a relationship. She might be shocked that her ex can move on when she hasn't. She might be worried that there might possibly, maybe someday be a new baby. This would be (in her head) a rival for her dc.
It is all down to your DP to get the divorce ball rolling. This limbo/still married/not together, situation is doing nobody any favours.

AlternativePerspective · 13/12/2019 18:49

OP this is not a serious relationship. You may want it to be, but it’s very clear that he doesn’t.

To all intents and purposes you are the OW. Not in so much as that he is still married (although that is a possibility) but in terms of the script he’s feeding you.

“Once I have somewhere to live I can file for divorce; once the divorce is through we’ll be together; I want to marry you/live with you, it’s just we need to bide our time; my ex is threatening to stop me seeing the kids if I keep seeing you, so I love you but we need to stay a secret for now.”

Those are all the kinds of things married men say to their OW to keep her sweet. Not the exact same things but comparable:

“My wife doesn’t understand me; we’ll be together one day, just as soon as she gets better/I have enough money to leave/the kids leave home; I love you and want to marry you, but we need to wait a few more years.”

Wake up OP. You’re being played like a fiddle here.

Added to which, not telling your children about someone you’ve been seeing for two years is really really shit. And telling one child but not the others is worse. And you are very naive if you think the children never speak because they’re not in the same class. If they’re spending days out together and get on then they very likely speak in school even if in passing. But they’re all used to being told by you to keep secrets and so they are. They’re keeping their conversations a secret from you

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 18:53

alternative thats just your opinion. You have no idea whether the relationship is serious or not Hmm

ffswhatnext · 13/12/2019 19:05

🤣 they don't talk in school because they aren't in the same class. Go out on days together and blank each other in school. Your child has possibly asked them why they don't stay at yours with their dad.

ffswhatnext · 13/12/2019 19:11

Plumbabe I think there was an incident with social services over her stepson about 10 years ago but since then he has paid and seen those 3 kids regularly

This makes no sense. SS involved 10 years ago and since then he has paid. But he's only be separated for 3 years? If a potential partner mentioned SS involvement I would be asking questions, instead of just thinking things.

Even living at his parents he could have still had them overnight. I would be asking a lot of questions, including doing a Claire's Law request.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/12/2019 19:12

Is he paying for the step child? Wtf?

AlternativePerspective · 13/12/2019 19:23

@ Bollykecks nope. A relationship where a couple has been together for two years and where she is still a secret is not a serious relationship. Not on his part anyway. OP believes that it is because he’s feeding her a line.

That aside, if the reason he hasn’t told the ex was because he apparently knew how she’d react, then the OP would have to stay secret forever wouldn’t she?

And a man who in three years hasn’t made any effort to move into a place suitable for his children and hasn’t once had his children overnight isn’t exactly father material.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 19:31

Or maybe he knew his ex would react like this? Id probably put off having to go to court and see my children too!

You have no idea why he hid op. Just assumptions.

And a man who in three years hasn’t made any effort to move into a place suitable for his children and hasn’t once had his children overnight isn’t exactly father material

They haven't divorced and she lives in the family home. How easy do you suppose it is to rent one home pay mortgage on another and maintenance on top of that?