Can his separated wife make him choose between me and his kids?

[Dawizzy146]

Advice needed please. I am with a man who has been separated from his wife for 3 years. He has 2 biological children from his marriage plus 1 stepson. We have had a great relationship for the past few years and he was going to ask for a divorce with it being 2 years separation. Also his son and daughter go to the same school as my daughter so we have had days out too as a family. He has never told his wife he was in a new relationship as everything was plain and simple and worked well. Anyhow she has found out through the wonders of facebook that he is in a relationship with me and all out war has started. She has given him an ultimatum, it's either keep me or his kids. Can she do this? Is there anything legal he can do so he keeps both? I'm so down over it and not eating or sleeping due to the worry of it all. Any advice would be great thanks x

Op i think you are getting a rough time here.

I would ignore the comments saying "it doesnt add up" etc

I totally get it. Ive been in your position. Evil ex and its dreadful. Your boyfriend is desperately trying to manage a difficult situation and feels he cant win.

I would offer him some distance to resolve it, its up to him if he wants to take you up on your offer.

My situation ended in disaster. Honestly the worst outcome. So i wont repeat it! But i would suggest you consider if you would he happy with being blamed by him for him not seeing his kids, should she go through with it. But its early days, let the dust settle and for her to calm down.

(Im with someone childless now and v happy)

I dont think there is "anything missing" from your story. BUT I would be very annoyed if my ex had been taking our dcs out with his girlfriend and not told me. I think it is just basic manners so I can understand her annoyance. But to ban him from seeing dcs is very OTT

He has never told his wife he was in a new relationship as everything was plain and simple and worked well. I wouldn’t count that level of deceit as working well!

It sounds like they are both being dramatic. Your man for not telling her about such a serious relationship and her kids building a relationship with yours totally behind her back.

And her for saying he has to choose.

I think dramatic people often have a lot of hot air but don’t necessarily back this up with serious intent. Don’t feed that hot air, there is no way it would stand up legally.

I’d have a good look at all of your relationships with these people and the effect on the kids. You can’t control ex wife. However you can influence him and choose how you respond. I think I would have insisted his ex knew before taking kids out for the day, for example. You’ve betrayed her trust no matter how awful or not awful she is.

I wonder whether a mediator might be a good idea. But I’d wait more than anything. Let the dust settle. Back off from his kids for a bit but then set up something workable with agreement of all. She can’t actually do anything about what he does on his time anyway so you don’t have to go to court, she does.

She can’t actually do anything about what he does on his time anyway so you don’t have to go to court, she does.

Not true. She can just simply stop contact and he will end up having to go to court and fighting for years to reestablish it.

Nobody will stop her and there would be nothing the OPs partner could do about it.

Such is the world we live in

OP, you've still not clarified the social services comment. Why were they involved in terms of your partner's relationship with his stepson? That's a huge thing to pass throwaway comment on, and then just ignore.

The op isn't getting a hard time unless you consider questioning about holes a hard time.

The comment about SS is concerning and additional questions need asking, considering he doesn't have overnights for such a ridiculous reason. And contact is basically supervised or in public.

As for mortgage payments etc being the reason. Erm, the ex would also have to contribute and there is no saying the marital home is owned, could be rented which means he has no financial responsibility to pay her bills. He would have been paying the minimum amount to his parents if anything. He's had 3 years to sort his finances out and get some savings. Instead the plan is to move in with op.

Of course, this was going to come out. The plan until she found out was to move in together.

If you're moving in with someone, at least have the balls to own up to it when there are children involved.

I would hold onto doing that move and do some digging.

As for mortgage payments etc being the reason. Erm, the ex would also have to contribute and there is no saying the marital home is owned

She wouldnt have to contribute at all.

Its probably a likley reason why. I mean more likely than the fact he is evil and has a deep dark secret to keep from op, anyway.

Why wouldn't she have to contribute when they are living apart?

She could easily refuse which leaves him the option of paying it or getting it repossessed and giving him an awful credit rating and little chance of buying again. If its jointly owned that is.

I know of 2 people who have had this done to them. It leaves you little choice!

She may well be paying ofc. Im just saying its not that easy to start from scratch on your own for anyone.

He goes to her house? Why? He could take the children out.

If I were you I'd wonder if she's really given him an ultimatum. In fact I wouldn't believe him.

He's having his cake and eating it.

If his wife knew you and then found out that you have spent time with their children she will feel he has broken her trust and that of her children.

I don't think you have considered that the children may have a voice in this. Finding out that their Dad is with their school friends mum will feel uncomfortable. Can you see how this might feel for them? Can you empathise with them?

If he has had an amicable relationship with his wife then he should just see this as a reaction to him not being honest. They will always be parents first so he needs to find away to rebuild trust. The children are at an age where they can voice their feelings. He needs to genuinely listen and not assume his wife is behind any objections they raise.

Those who say Dads are alienated and courts don't support Dads are not giving a balanced view. Courts take it very seriously and in some cases to the detriment of children. I.e children being forced to spend time with aggressive Dads despite telling Cafcass how scared they feel.

You are fortunate at their ages the children can speak for themselves. They might not want you on the scene with them for a while, which I think you may just need to accept. They don't need a relationship with you.

Your bf needs to start the divorce, keep dialogue with his children open and see you separately and not involve the children.

Take it really slow and in a few years it will be settled..you might not want to wait but as parents the priority has to be the children.

PS make your bf get his own place, don't offer him your house as you are an easy option and he could just go from wife to his mums then to you. Make him stand on his own two feet first

She can't stop him from seeing them.

The two of you were completely out of order having family days out though without telling her you were in a relationship.

I hope you both apologised, it's a breach of trust and could have put the kids in a very uncomfortable position, when all he had to do was be honest about it with her. That might help to make amends and perhaps she will come around then.

She can't FFS.. but he needs to get a Lawyer, and take this to Court. He also needs to get a place of his own, or move in with you. He should have responded immediately, instead of moping around.

it's the oldest trick in the book, controlling contact.. she sounds like a right twat.

Good luck OP but you cannot fix this for him.. HE needs to sort this and fast. Good luck

And if she doesn't contribute the same could be said about her. Poor credit history and having to put the children through bailiffs showing up to turf them out.

I know it's not easy. He's had 3 years to sort his finances out to save for a deposit and ensure there's money for his dc's and his bills. This still doesn't excuse him for not having them overnight, surely his parents would have loved for their gc's to stay. That's why `i don't understand that contact has either been supervised by mum or they have gone out. Of course, his parents might be nasty hence they don't go there. But makes you wonder.

Neither of these two is thinking about the children. Spending family time together yet assuming the children won't talk to each other or mention something to mum. His own children seeing their dad playing happy families with someone else, moving in together when he's not even had them overnight.

It was bound to come out because children talk. He could have done the adult thing and told her beforehand. At least she found out from FB and not the school playground. The dc's might have told her already and she assumed he would be grown up and told her.

Yes, I know they are both entitled to a relationship. It's the deception.

When you said his dad got ill and he moved in to help just how close to the separation was this?
I ask because I wonder if he truly did separate from her or if it was just to help his parents and hes still with her. I couldn't be in a 2 year relationship with someone and apparently be at a point where we were talking about moving in and still have it a secret.
I'm not calling you a liar op but something about this is ringing massive alarm bells for me

She could easily refuse which leaves him the option of paying it or getting it repossessed and giving him an awful credit rating and little chance of buying again.

All the more reason for him to have started divorce proceedings, surely?

I know it would ffs but some people dont care (bitter experience) i was just offering an opinion as to why its hard to start over on your own sometimes.

And yes ffs i agree theyve gone about it entirely the wrong way! Im just not convinced its because of an awful reason although youre right its possible.

giveherhell absolutely in my opinion. Ime men do the sticking their head in the sand thing much more often than women!!

Legally no. But she can withhold the children from your partner. It's not right of course, cruel, but if she wanted to she could and your partner would need to go through all the proper channels to get access to his kids again. He wouldn't necessarily get access to his stepson either unless he has parental responsibility.

This is such a shitty thing for her to say but maybe she's just jealous and angry and will cool down. I hope that's the case.

Putting the legal side to the side...

Yes, depending on how conditioned he is to heed unreasonable requests from her, she can ask him to choose and if he cannot be arsed to fight legally for the kids and and for his new relationship, he will choose.

There is also that most divorced women dismiss that could happen until it does. A man can decide to stop contact altogether with his kids and believe me... you may end up being the holy single mother of Calcuta by raising your children alone but, it is blooming difficult not to have any respite and heartbreaking to see your kids rejected by their dad so... she has a lot of loose as well if she is unreasonable.

Something doesn't add up here. I'm sorry, OP but there are holes.

Also, the script. I've heard lots about the 'evil ex' and 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' This woman may not be the stereotypical villain being portrayed here and she could just be a convenient scape goat.

The negative attention seems to be directed to the wife. What about him in all of this? Why is he not accountable - especially if he is keeping secrets from you (appreciate we don't know that - but I'm suspiciois here)?

For all we know, they could have still been together, which is why the wife responded with hostility after seeing a post on social media.

I don’t doubt the OP. My exH had a live in partner a year before the divorce came through, and 2 years after the split. We were in very amicable terms although she never liked me. She was not the OW, our relationship was over YEARS before we split. He was also staying in accommodation that was below what he could afford, as this would give him some leverage when court assessed his accommodation needs to house himself and have his kid visiting when it came to split the assets.

I have also been in a position were the wife left the husband and years later The husband gets into a relationship and the ex gets ballistic and fights to death to keep the control she exerts over the father of her kids, even when they were already divorced at the time we met.

Some women are victims of nasty men, some have serious control issues. I would say that if you are happy to prevent your kids from seeing the other parent out of jealousy, you have serious control issues.

I would think the fact the ex wife has messaged the op with abuse on Facebook negates the fact idea that she is a scapegoat and is a victim in all of this.

I can see why the man didn't tell her. She's clearly nuts, hence the separation. It's not her business anyway, as long as he isnt introducing the kids to some new woman every week (even then it's his problem as the kids will hate him eventually). You just don't abuse someone online or in any way because you're not happy about your ex seeing them.

You could play it back I guess. Tell her she either let's him see the kids or you go to the police and court with the messages she sent. But I'd try and work it out first with solicitors. Tell the solicitor about the messages, the fact she is withholding contact unless he chooses, tell them everything. They will handle it better than anyone here. Sadly she may still be an idiot, and there isn't much that can be done about that other than keep fighting it.

I think the DP moved in with his mum to help with his terminally ill dad - if his dad needed active nursing care then that was reasonable, and maybe he doesn't want to move straight out and leave his grieving mum alone - that's fair. But doesn't his mum want to see her grandchildren? Does he NEVER take them there where you could all meet up? Their mum can't dictate that he never takes them round to granny's...

"He has never told his wife he was in a new relationship ... Anyhow she has found out ... and all out war has started."

Why are you surprised?

1. People REALLY hate being lied to
2. Their children were forced to keep a secret
3. Why are you fine with the fact that you were a secret?

You are not listening to what this tells you about him and how much he values you.

You are a selfish thoughtless pair and you deserve the grief you are getting.