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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can his separated wife make him choose between me and his kids?

171 replies

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 16:04

Advice needed please. I am with a man who has been separated from his wife for 3 years. He has 2 biological children from his marriage plus 1 stepson. We have had a great relationship for the past few years and he was going to ask for a divorce with it being 2 years separation. Also his son and daughter go to the same school as my daughter so we have had days out too as a family. He has never told his wife he was in a new relationship as everything was plain and simple and worked well. Anyhow she has found out through the wonders of facebook that he is in a relationship with me and all out war has started. She has given him an ultimatum, it's either keep me or his kids. Can she do this? Is there anything legal he can do so he keeps both? I'm so down over it and not eating or sleeping due to the worry of it all. Any advice would be great thanks x

OP posts:

lovemenorca · 13/12/2019 17:16

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/12/2019 17:16

You're wrong. They know.

If you've had 'family' days, they know.

Your kids go to school with his kids.
Presumably your kids will know you're a couple. They'll have spoken to his kids at school.

Original poster

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 17:18

Think I would have known by recent events if she knew or not considering the threats this week and to me also saying it was me or kids

OP posts:

ACouchOfOnesOwn · 13/12/2019 17:19

So she spoke to you in person? What was the incident with social services - did it involve your bf?

Original poster

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 17:20

Yes she did through facebook messenger

OP posts:

AlternativePerspective · 13/12/2019 17:20

So have you spoken to her directly? Do you know his friends? Have you stayed over at his mum’s or at the very least been round there for dinner?

Keeping a relationship secret for years is not normal, and I’d be wondering why he feels the need to hide you

GlitchStitch · 13/12/2019 17:21

If he's been dating a fellow school parent and the kids are having 'family' days out then she should have been told IMO. It's not like he's even doing his share, he hasn't even got himself sorted enough in 3 years to have overnight contact. So the parent actually doing all of the meaningful care should be informed about things that could cause confusion etc and the kids should never have been put in a position of keeping secrets.

lovemenorca · 13/12/2019 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 17:23

No they didn't see us together but hey thanks for your input

OP posts:

Thesispieces · 13/12/2019 17:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/12/2019 17:25

We all know you're lying but whatever, it's irrelevant.

The point is he needs to sort his shit out and get a stable home for his children.

If she's contacted you directly you need to tell her you'll keep away from his children as you don't want to cause any upset or confusion.

Original poster

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 17:28

Thanks for anyone who gave helpful advice. I appreciate it

OP posts:

lovemenorca · 13/12/2019 17:28

They didn’t see you together?
Explain this!

* Also his son and daughter go to the same school as my daughter so we have had days out too as a family. *

starfishmummy · 13/12/2019 17:30

Alternative Perspective....exactly this. Family member was lying to his estranged wife, his gf, siblings, other relatives and possibly his parents (thats still open for debate). It got very messy.

Original poster

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 17:31

I wont bother as unless people dont get words correct they are just pulled apart.

OP posts:

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/12/2019 17:32

@Dawizzy146 early in the post people suggested they might not actually be separated or might be getting back together and you didn't like that.

Then you kept changing your story.

Without the facts we can't actually help.

Whether you and him are serious is important.
Whether there's any chance of him moving in with you is important.

People aren't asking these questions to be nasty.

Original poster

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 17:34

Yes we are very serious and yes he did want to move in until this happened

OP posts:

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 17:36

The kids may well have said i went out today with dad op and ops child. Probably just didnt say oh dad has a new gf!

Why post just to be horrible to op?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/12/2019 17:38

@Dawizzy146 if he was intending on moving in she 100% deserved to know really. That's a big step.

Has she contacted and threatened you directly?
Has she contacted him with the same threat?

What was her reasoning for warning you off?

Original poster

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 17:39

Yes she gave him the ultimatum after she found out and after verbal abuse on facebook, me the same

OP posts:

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/12/2019 17:42

@Dawizzy146 did she say why? Is it because she doesn't want him with anyone else, or because she doesn't like you, or because she thinks that you could've been the reason they split?

Thingsdogetbetter · 13/12/2019 17:44

I presume he stays over at your home and your children know you're a couple? And your dc never said anything to his dc at school or on these days out? Or is it a secret from your kids too? And all family members and friends, mutual or otherwise? Two years is a long long time to keep a relationship secret when dc go to the same school!

As a pp poster suggested the timing seems suspicious. Not so much that he's using his ex's reaction as an excuse not to divorce or move in, but more that he has just told his wife that whatever has been going on with between them is finally over and he's serious about you. If they had been fully separated for three years, I find it unlikely she'd flip like this. I suspect he's been stringing you both along for years with half truths and lies and she's just found out.

Original poster

Dawizzy146 · 13/12/2019 17:45

It seems she doesn't want him with anyone until the kids have grown up and no the marriage had broken down before me and moving out

OP posts:

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 17:48

If they had been fully separated for three years, I find it unlikely she'd flip like this

Dps ex flipped like this and theyd been split up 2.5 years and i hadnt met dss. She was a normal person before she knew then she found out and flipped her shit and threatened all sorts.

GlitchStitch · 13/12/2019 17:48

What was the issue with social services?

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