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Original poster

52yr old ExH having baby with GF

279 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 10:08

So this is the latest in a long line of ex husband posts from me where he just seems to be doing his utmost to destroy his relationship with our 16 year old daughter. We've been divorced for coming up for 9 years and I am happily remarried. Daughter rang me in tears last night with the news of the pregnancy. There have been comments already about the baby sharing her room if they don't manage to move house in time, and her helping to look after the baby if they need a break. I don't care what he does with his life but seriously, she is doing her A-levels the year after next and having a baby in the house (and being expected to contribute to its care) is not what she needs. I feel like this hasn't been fully thought through. I don't know what I want people to say but I feel like just telling her not to bother going to her dad's any more. She said she was going low contact but I think he bullies her into going and she then feels obligated. I'm sure she's going to be excited about having a younger sibling (she's an only child, except for step-siblings) but it just all feels a bit weird and surreal to me.

OP posts:
Sandals19 · 13/12/2019 21:19

My toddler still wakes up regularly during the night, even when she'd not sick or teething. I don't think that's all that uncommon either.

Sandals19 · 13/12/2019 21:21

*she's

It's not appropriate even if it were one night a week. The baby should be in with her parents, not her teenage half sister. But fair to either. Anyone who'd even suggest it is not the full shilling.

Sandals19 · 13/12/2019 21:21

(or his parents, not sure why I jumped to female baby!).

Sandals19 · 13/12/2019 21:22

*Not fair

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 21:27

But it might not even happen. Youre all very dead set that it will happen and its all some conspiracy for dd to single handedly raise the baby..... which is incredibly dramatic!

readitandwept · 13/12/2019 21:29

Whether it happens or not, he's doing a stellar job of creating resentment of the new baby. No baby and she's in tears already. Bravo, dad!

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 21:30

And babies share with their siblings all the time. Do you think parents share a room with their children until 5yo or when they sleep through the night?

Shes 16. She has a choice. Share with the baby if it comes to it, sleep on the sofa or simply dont stay over at all.

The baby will live there FT. The baby will need its own room at between 6 mo and a year. Its not fair to deny the baby of its own room because a none resident teenager who will arguably almost be an adult by then doesnt want to share.

Ronnie27 · 13/12/2019 21:37

She’s 16, the baby isn’t even born yet and will be in with its parents for the first year. They are probably trying to include her and make her feel wanted and needed by suggesting babysitting. She isn’t being asked to “contribute to the baby’s care”, sounds like she may be overreacting slightly here! It’s probably difficult for her seeing her parent become a parent again, especially as she is an only child so cut her some slack and reassure her but don’t get drawn into a teen drama, there’s nothing negative or in the slightest out of the norm here to fret about.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 13/12/2019 21:45

God there are some twats on here tonight.

Of course I'd be concerned. But I think you both might be focussing on the baby rather than the wider issue which is that he is nasty and controlling with her.

Why is she still even seeing him? Ok stupid question I know she loves him but I think you should be concentrating on how to free her from someone that you say controls and abuses her. Why does she think she can't say 'I've got important school year coming up, I cant have a baby waking me up all the time so I'll stay at mums until you get a new place with a bedroom each'. I'm not sure what help you can get her...the freedom program is always mentioned on here, I dont know if it is appropriate for a child / parent abusive relationship though.

Comtesse · 13/12/2019 23:00

Everyone is mental today because of the election.

Daughter allowed to feel upset but good idea to keep it in proportion and not go off the deep end too. 52 is obviously ancient to be having a new baby too. No need to panic....

Sandals19 · 13/12/2019 23:13

The baby will need its own room at between 6 mo and a year.

Confused

Need Why?

So Ronnie Wood and his latest squeeze can conceive baby no 2 without being ickec out (not that much would ick that couple out by the sound of it)?

As soon as they can crawl/walk they'll be trying to get into their parents bed anyway.

Sandals19 · 13/12/2019 23:18

They are probably trying to include her and make her feel wanted and needed by suggesting babysitting.

Maybe if op hadn't told us her dad is an abusive bully.

Sounds like she was being told she'd babysit rather than being asked. Alongside the room thing, doesn't sound like consideration and inclusion; more like "you will ...." or "you'll be expected to ..."

Sandals19 · 13/12/2019 23:20

*get back into their parents bed

SarahH12 · 14/12/2019 05:01

OP why are you avoiding the question of how often she goes there?

Let's be realistic, once the baby is here it's unlikely they'll just put him / her in with your DD. Chances are they'll want baby in with them and by the time they want to move baby they'll probably have moved.

JolieOBrien · 14/12/2019 05:07

@chocolatesaltyballs22

I know a few men who have started a new family in their 50's and wonder how the child will cope with an old Dad. My husband was 37 when we had our last baby and he found it exhausting lol

AllideasAndNoAction · 14/12/2019 05:29

I dont think it's how the child will cope with an old dad, I think it's about how the old dad will cope with young children! Financially and practically it's a huge burden that changes the lansdcape of what should have been the downward slope after 50 years of scrambling upwards. I think it's depressing.

Mumtoaprincess25 · 14/12/2019 05:50

Sorry but it's their business, they should not have to put their life on hold because of your daughter. I'm sure she could move in with you if needed?? x

hsegfiugseskufh · 14/12/2019 08:03

sandals of course the baby needs a room in the house it lives in full time. Why wouldn't it?

My child has never slept in my bed btw so i dont see that as a relevant argument.

hsegfiugseskufh · 14/12/2019 08:05

Its absolutely irrelevant the dads age really. Ops problem isnt even age related it was just mentioned as a dig to him clearly! Its up to him and his gf whether they think theyll cope.

Sandals19 · 14/12/2019 08:25

A baby does not need it's own room.
And for the first six months at the very least, the sane room as it's parents is the safest place for it to be. After that the most practical place for it to be is still the same room as it's parents.

A teenager needs their own room more than a baby.

If the teenager spends v little time there, then it could be the "baby's room" but the baby sleeps in the same room as their parents while the teenager is using it. The teenager should not be having their sleep directly disturbed, their privacy invaded, and (very likely) expectation to help with the baby during the night. The teenager is extremely unlikely to lie there still and do nothing while one or both of the baby's parents hears it, wakes up properly, gets up and comes into the room to tend to it; and from what we know of the father it's easy to imagine the teenager getting short thrift/criticism even if she did do nothing. While thing is inappropriate. The place for the baby is in their parents room, at all but most definitely if a teenager is staying overnight.

Sharing a room and a bed are two completely different things so not sure why you made your statement.

Sandals19 · 14/12/2019 08:25

*its

Sandals19 · 14/12/2019 08:26

You seen to have spent this thread being deliberately obtuse and arguing for the sake of arguing.

Blanca87 · 14/12/2019 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Sandals19 · 14/12/2019 08:28

Sorry but it's their business, they should not have to put their life on hold because of your daughter. I'm sure she could move in with you if needed??

Why do posters comment without reading the thread.

hsegfiugseskufh · 14/12/2019 08:29

A 6mo plus needs its own room.

A teenager who only visits can either share or take the sofa. Whatever is her preference.

The baby lives there and so takes precidence.

Youve entirely fabricated all the rest about her not doing nothing and the expectation to help in the night etc etc.

Youre massively overthinking something thst likely wont happen anyway!

YOU brought up crawling babies wanting to get back into their parents bed. Not all of us allow it and its not a good enough reason to deny a child a bedroom who actually lives there.