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Original poster

52yr old ExH having baby with GF

279 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 10:08

So this is the latest in a long line of ex husband posts from me where he just seems to be doing his utmost to destroy his relationship with our 16 year old daughter. We've been divorced for coming up for 9 years and I am happily remarried. Daughter rang me in tears last night with the news of the pregnancy. There have been comments already about the baby sharing her room if they don't manage to move house in time, and her helping to look after the baby if they need a break. I don't care what he does with his life but seriously, she is doing her A-levels the year after next and having a baby in the house (and being expected to contribute to its care) is not what she needs. I feel like this hasn't been fully thought through. I don't know what I want people to say but I feel like just telling her not to bother going to her dad's any more. She said she was going low contact but I think he bullies her into going and she then feels obligated. I'm sure she's going to be excited about having a younger sibling (she's an only child, except for step-siblings) but it just all feels a bit weird and surreal to me.

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 13:48

sandals she doesn't have to stay there (if this even happens because as we know they are moving) if she doesn't want to, you know?

RainRainGoAwayComeAgain · 13/12/2019 13:48

My parents had my sister when my brother was 15, he managed to get top GCSEs and a-levels then went to a top uni. Having a baby in the house made zero difference as to what he was doing.

I think you are being ridiculous if two adults want to have a baby that’s their decision, you’ve been divorced 9 years I really don’t understand why you are bothered? Your daughter isn’t really a child anymore so she shouldn’t be jealous like a 5 year old might be.

Sandals19 · 13/12/2019 13:51

Aside from inflicting interrupted sleep on a teenager at an extremely important education stage - what sixteen yr old girl (or boy) wants their dad or dad's partner going in and out of their room to tend to a baby, while they're in their jammies, trying to get ready for bed etc etc.

It indicates a lot about op's ex and his partner that they'd even consider it. The obvious route for any well adjusted, halfway normal, responsible parents would be to have the baby in their room ... There's something not right in the noggin there.

LemonPrism · 13/12/2019 13:52

@Bollykecks yes they could die before their child is 30, but it's much more likely that an 80 year old will die than a 60 year old... don't be obtuse.

Sandals19 · 13/12/2019 13:53

My parents had my sister when my brother was 15, he managed to get top GCSEs and a-levels then went to a top uni. Having a baby in the house made zero difference as to what he was doing.

Was the baby in his room?

Was it presumed he would baby sit the baby?

Sandals19 · 13/12/2019 13:56

she doesn't have to stay there (if this even happens because as we know they are moving) if she doesn't want to, you know?

It sounds like she should have very LC with him full stop.

But what a pity for this girl that she's in that position re her relationship with her father.

And no wonder it bothers op - in spite of all the posters on this thread who are bizarrely unable to see that.

5LeafClover · 13/12/2019 13:59

Flowers I am sorry that you have had such a rough time. Best wishes to your daughter.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 13/12/2019 14:03

Wow, some over-the-top reactions here!

I think I understand where you're coming from, @chocolatesaltyballs22 this is nothing to do with being a controlling/interfering ex, you're simply responding to your DD calling you in tears about a situation and trying to figure out how best to support her. That's what Mum's do!

Your Ex may have been clumsily trying to include her in everything, but it sounds as if he's worried her by suggesting that she babysits (she may not feel confident with a tiny baby) and as for sharing a room with a newborn, that's ridiculous! The poor mite will be waking regularly for feeds and needs to be in with their parents.

I'm sure things will settle down once the baby is here and as PP's have said, older teens often bond really well with their much younger siblings. I know a couple of RL cases where the older brothers are besotted with their siblings who are 15-20 years younger, and have been excellent and willing babysitters.

Just let her know that she can decide what to do once the baby arrives, there's no rush. She definitely needs to prioritise her exams and if she needs to go LC with her Dad for a while or perhaps just meet him for a few hours rather than stay over, that's fine. Good luck Flowers

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 14:05

It indicates a lot about op's ex and his partner that they'd even consider it. The obvious route for any well adjusted, halfway normal, responsible parents would be to have the baby in their room ... There's something not right in the noggin there

youre ignoring the fact that shes only going to have to share with the baby whilst she's there, and that this may not even happen and will only happen "if they don't move house in time"

why are you making such a big deal of this when the 16yo likely spends one night a week there?

Hithere2 · 13/12/2019 14:15

I understand where you come from

It is not realistic to push parenting responsibilities to a teenager when "the parents need a break"
Sharing a room with a newborn- delusional.

It is selfish of your exh. Is your ex aware of the needs of a baby? Of a teenager?
What kind of a father was he when your dd was a baby? History repeats itself.

I wonder if the future mom is on board.

Anyway, luckily your dd is 16 and will be soon out of that home.

LemonTT · 13/12/2019 14:16

Sandals whether any of us think it right or not, at 16-17 the daughter is a young adult. She can and she will make her own decisions about the time she spends with either parent. She has that autonomy and the right. There’s nothing either parent can do about it. Except, and this is the one concern the OP raises about her ex which is valid, through coercion and control.

The solution for the OP isn’t to act the same, telling her daughter not to go and making her decisions for her. That isn’t going to work with a young adult who has already shown she will continue to see him. The advice to reassure and support her daughters decision is the right advice. But if that is clouded in judgement and bitterness it may not be heard.

TryingToBeBold · 13/12/2019 14:22

Why do you still let your daughter go?
She is capable of saying no.
It's not about your daughter 'standing up for herself' it's about not having to deal with it in the first place?

Quite frankly him having a baby is none of your business. Or your DD. He shouldn't have to put his life on hold for 2 years just because she's doing A Levels? Not have a baby because she needs quiet.

As for the room sharing.. baby will still need a room. Until they move if that's sharing what else are they bloody meant to do? DD fancy sleeping on the sofa?
If your DD doesnt want to go... don't?

Pipstelle · 13/12/2019 14:22

I'd take the positively that they know they need to move and are actively trying to do so. You're daughter can say if she doesn't want to babysit but she may just adore the baby although you're reaction will guide hers...

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 14:22

It is not realistic to push parenting responsibilities to a teenager

except that isn't whats happening - is it?

Anyway, luckily your dd is 16 and will be soon out of that home

she doesn't even sodding live there!

Treesthemovie · 13/12/2019 15:10

To me men in their 50s having babies seems ridiculous, might as well be a grandparent. Each to their own if they have the time and ability to do it, but it is a bit selfish

buddhababy2019 · 13/12/2019 16:29

@Treesthemovie that is such a ridiculously judgemental comment! I'm pregnant with my second child (I'm 40 and my husband is 50) and we were unable to conceive for 8 years prior to this one! You think we have no right to have this second child even though we're in a better position than many 20 year olds to support and love this child! This kind of ignorant comment really annoys me! 😡

Lweji · 13/12/2019 18:10

Even women can find themselves pregnant at over 50. It's not ridiculous. People with such opinions are, though.

whonoes · 13/12/2019 18:19

I think anyone talking about his age (52) and the comments about good luck running around after it when it’s a teen are totally missing the point. He won’t be doing any of that will he? If he’s like most men I know, the woman will do 90% of everything whilst he gets to strut around like cock of the walk, taking the credit for it all. So I wouldn’t even worry about his age. Younger women do (god knows why) always end up facilitating and mollycoddling older men. Weird and sad but there you go. Im sure he’ll have loads of time for DD because his baby input will be minimal anyway.

AllideasAndNoAction · 13/12/2019 18:34

Even women can find themselves pregnant at over 50. It's not ridiculous.

I'd love to know the frequency with which women over 50 just 'find themselves' pregnant. Confused Even with IVF it's pretty rare. Without it it's virtually unheard of.

It might happen, a bit like being struck by lightening or winning a rollover jackpot on the lottery might happen, but it's hardly as normal as you make it sound.

Whereas men over 50 are frequently persuaded/pressured by younger partners to TTC, when in different circumstances they'd have absolutely no interest in doing so, especially if they already have older children.

Countryescape · 13/12/2019 18:36

What a cliche! An old man having a baby with someone younger. I think your daughter should move out. Can she move in with you? She doesn’t have to stay at her dads at her age she has the choice.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 18:54

She does live with op for crying out loud!!!!

Blanca87 · 13/12/2019 19:39

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hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 19:42

Ah ha ha ha ha. How original. You could at least get my name right. Hmm

Or i just dont agree with some of the posters who think its soooooooooo bad to have to share a bedroom one night a week.

I mean it would help if people actually read the thread though wouldn't it.

Grumpelstilskin · 13/12/2019 20:43

@Bollykecks You seem to have trouble understanding some really basic stuff. It's not about sharing a room with another sibling per se but with a newborn! That is entirely inappropriate because she will not be able to sleep through the night and be constantly woken up! That ridiculous suggestion, together with expecting her to babysit, means her father is basically making it clear that he intends to exploit her has a free nanny, despite her having to study for school and working part-time! It's down to the father and the GF to look after their own bloody baby and that baby needs to be in their bedroom.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 21:00

I think thats a very big jump to be honest!

She may not even share a room with the baby at all.

Even if she does it will not be full time.

How often are they "expecting" her to babysit considering that again, she is not there full time?

She also has the ability to say no.

I would hardly say hes planning on exploiting her as a free nanny based on one flippant comment.

The baby may well be in their bedroom for the first 6 months... after that it will need its own bedroom which it shall have most nights.

You got all that from one comment.

Its not me having trouble understanding, its posters jumping to bizarre far fetched conclusions based on one comment about babysitting and the daughter possibly having to share a room (for 1 or 2 nights a week or whatever it is) temporarily if they dont move in time.