Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

52yr old ExH having baby with GF

279 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 10:08

So this is the latest in a long line of ex husband posts from me where he just seems to be doing his utmost to destroy his relationship with our 16 year old daughter. We've been divorced for coming up for 9 years and I am happily remarried. Daughter rang me in tears last night with the news of the pregnancy. There have been comments already about the baby sharing her room if they don't manage to move house in time, and her helping to look after the baby if they need a break. I don't care what he does with his life but seriously, she is doing her A-levels the year after next and having a baby in the house (and being expected to contribute to its care) is not what she needs. I feel like this hasn't been fully thought through. I don't know what I want people to say but I feel like just telling her not to bother going to her dad's any more. She said she was going low contact but I think he bullies her into going and she then feels obligated. I'm sure she's going to be excited about having a younger sibling (she's an only child, except for step-siblings) but it just all feels a bit weird and surreal to me.

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 14/12/2019 08:31

Youve made up this whole cinderella story to support your narrative... why?

AgentJohnson · 14/12/2019 10:40

The issue is him being controlling, not having a baby at the not so old age of 52.

Given his controlling nature, you should have been supporting her deal with that. Your focus on him having a child is weird. How often does she stay with him? If they are planning on moving it will be a temporary situation.

Getting support for your DD in dealing with a controlling parent should be your only focus.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 14/12/2019 12:25

I had walked away from this..... HOWEVER....it's relevant that when our daughter was a baby he did naff all at night. No night feeds, no nappy changes, nada. Now age may have changed him, but I'm not entirely sure that he wasn't completely serious when he said she could help with the baby at night. Because God forbid he should have to do it himself.

OP posts:
HamAndPineapple · 14/12/2019 12:28

@chocolatesaltyballs22 that's a shock for sure. My DD once told me that she had a nightmare that her father had a baby. He is or was in a relationship, think it's ended. He tries to control her through making her feeling guilty as well.

I hope your DD is not drafted in to be a babysitter.

MrsMigginsTheOriginal · 14/12/2019 13:20

I had walked away from this..... HOWEVER....it's relevant that when our daughter was a baby he did naff all at night. No night feeds, no nappy changes, nada. Now age may have changed him, but I'm not entirely sure that he wasn't completely serious when he said she could help with the baby at night. Because God forbid he should have to do it himself

It hasn't dawned on you yet has it ? That he can be happier and better with someone else than you ? Time for you to get your own life.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 14/12/2019 13:25

That is entirely not my point @MrsMigginsTheOriginal. I'm very happy that he's moved on. I'd just like him to stop treating my daughter like shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 14/12/2019 13:31

Also, thanks for coming on my post and being nasty when I was just helpful on yours.

OP posts:
Kapsauss · 14/12/2019 13:57

chocolatesaltyballs22
I really don't blame you for feeling this way and I would be absolutely fucking furious if my daughter would ring up crying and telling me this shit! Especially when knowing the past/his abusive persona! I too would be worried and 100% my kid!
I've got two daughters myself and my ex is a typical "woe is me, I'm such a victim" bullshit manipulator and I'm absolutely petrified that he will try and manipulate kids when they are older about "helping him out" as he had "massively" contributed into raising them. Fact is - he hasn't and doesn't! I have remind the CM every single fucking Friday and everything is a fucking battle with him - he sees kids twice a month, 5h at a time - not through agreements, but through his own choice! So it has now become to the point where kids do not want to go out with him as he does nothing with them - takes them to card shop for tat, maybe a cafe Nero hot chocolate and then round his parents. Kids say it's boring to do the same stuff all the time! So, I have told them they have a CHOICE not to go! Which they use and they say they don't feel bad! He does try and say he misses them and other crap to make them to see him, but in fact - kids say when they go to his parents house, he just sits upstairs on his phone and his parents are trying to entertain them. Honestly. I'm always glad when they decide not to go as this means I can go out with them instead!
So stay behind your kid, she trusts you and trust your instincts. Give her a choice, tell her not to feel bad about the choice she makes as at the end of the day - her dads choice was to get another baby without any consideration to his other children. He can be annoyed with her choices and SAME goes vice versa - she can and is allowed to be annoyed with his choices.

nex18 · 14/12/2019 14:32

As she’s 16, your role really is to encourage her to be independent and responsible for herself. Let her know it’s her decision how much she sees of her dad and her half sibling, that she can help out or not as much as she wants. Tell her that should they still be living at the same place when the baby needs a bedroom, that she can choose not to stay or to ask her dad to buy a sofa bed so she can sleep in the living room.
I suppose to your exh partner, your dd is to her what your ss is to you - not added to her family and only there part time.
Fwiw I have a 17 year old dd (and 14 yo ds) who have a newborn and 18m old half siblings, personally I think my ex is crazy for starting again and rejoice in the my own emerging freedom and lie ins.

Sandals19 · 14/12/2019 14:40

It hasn't dawned on you yet has it ? That he can be happier and better with someone else than you ? Time for you to get your own life.

Oh my ..

The comments on this thread are bizarre and mind blowing - are they from second wives/partners who have issues with ex wives or something?

It is obvious to everyone but you that op doesn't give a flying fk about her ex but is concerned about his behaviour including his latest "development", towards their daughter.

UI have seen absolutely nothing to suggest she is bitter, jealous, hung up, hadn't moved on, stuck on him etc .... Only that she's concerned about the impact of his behaviour on her DD; yet poster after poster has popped up, assuming that and spitting vitriol towards her. I have never seen such projection (and injustice) toward a poster in a long time.

Incidentally what he's said so far - assuming DD will babysit, and talking about room sharing with baby (ludicrous before six months, very far from ideal after 6 months) does fit with ops past experience of him as a poor, irresponsible parent. Sounds like he's already prepping her for baby responsibilities when they should be entirely her own choice and suggestion.

Sandals19 · 14/12/2019 14:40

A 6mo plus needs its own room.

No, it doesn't.

Sandals19 · 14/12/2019 14:46

So stay behind your kid, she trusts you and trust your instincts. Give her a choice, tell her not to feel bad about the choice she makes as at the end of the day - her dads choice was to get another baby without any consideration to his other children. He can be annoyed with her choices and SAME goes vice versa - she can and is allowed to be annoyed with his choices.

Good advice from a poster who is in ops position, trying to coparent with a year whose latest partner hadn't realised he's a test and unfortunately enabling him to father more kids.

Op just have your DDS back and make sure she knows she is obligated to do absolutely nothing for her father and his partner.

Sandals19 · 14/12/2019 14:47

*a twat whose latest partner hadn't realised he's a twat yet

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 14/12/2019 15:31

@Sandals19 - I've had messages from exes new partner when my daughter has had to leave their house upset at how her dad is speaking to her, saying: 'is he always like this?' Erm yes, I'm afraid you've picked yourself a prize twat there.' She spoke of wanting to meet up to talk which I said I would, then had radio silence from her. Next thing I know, she's pregnant.

OP posts:
Kapsauss · 14/12/2019 15:35

Sandals19 - exactly this "Whose latest partner hadn't realised he's a massive twat yet!"
My ex is at partner number 3 since May/June 2018. I don't get introduced and neither will I care, but kids are like "Daddys got a new gf again!" Like what kind of example is this AND if I had a new partner every 6months or so, he would have reported me to SS and God knows where else possible for safeguarding etc. Just..ughhhh. A thought of him just pisses me off.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 14/12/2019 15:38

OMG yes @Kapsauss - this is my ex too! My daughter has met about 6 or 7 'new girlfriends' - they used to last about 6 months apiece. Just as she got attached, they were outa there. This one is sticking, and I'm glad for my daughter as she likes her, but am a bit confused if I'm honest!

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 14/12/2019 15:41

chocolate presumably his gf will do all that. Its not going to be your daughter.

sandals why is ops daughter more in need of a room than a child that lives there ft?

When would that change? Does a child only deserve a room at 3? 5? Never?

Kapsauss · 14/12/2019 15:42

@chocolatesaltyballs22
Mid life crisis I suppose as my ex is 52 next year! 😂😂😂

zoemelb · 14/12/2019 15:51

OP you ANBU for worrying about your daughter. But at the end of the day, she can choose to stay with you all the times by the sound of it. She needs to learn to say No or she will learn after a few visits after the baby is born. If you can't keep her full time at your house, then it's his business on how he wants to deal with both children, if that's all he can afford then your daughter will just need to deal with reality. I'm sorry but you don't have a say.

Sandals19 · 14/12/2019 15:56

I've had messages from exes new partner when my daughter has had to leave their house upset at how her dad is speaking to her, saying: 'is he always like this?' Erm yes, I'm afraid you've picked yourself a prize twat there.' She spoke of wanting to meet up to talk which I said I would, then had radio silence from her. Next thing I know, she's pregnant.

Fk, she was almost out the cell door and now she's backed in and closed it on herself.

Can imagine what it's going to be like dealing with a new baby with a man who was a lazy parent & abusive partner when he was at the height of his energy and resilience (and everything was novel).

Your dd sounds like she needs lots of support on several aspects - him being her dad and his behaviour, what the atmosphere/dynamic is going to be like in that household when the strain of a new baby hits someone like him, and making sure she isn't press-ganged into responsibilities that are not hers to take on.

milveycrohn · 14/12/2019 16:03

Current advice is for the parents to have the baby sleep in their room for at least the first 6 months, and possibly for a year.
However, you seem to be concerned about their age. My parents were in their 40s when I was born, and as regards living long enough to look after the child, then anyone can be killed in an accident at any time.
Personally, I think you should be supportive of your daughter.
If after the new baby arrives, she finds it too problematical to visit her DF, then that is something to be faced when it happens

hsegfiugseskufh · 14/12/2019 16:06

Can imagine what it's going to be like dealing with a new baby with a man who was a lazy parent & abusive partner when he was at the height of his energy and resilience (and everything was novel)

You dont need to imagine because its not you or op dealing with it!

Youre also assuming the gf wont be arsed with baby and will "press gang" the dd into taking on responsibilities. What are you basing that assumption on? Op says dd likes the girlfriend.

Massive over reaction and concern over something that probably isnt going to happen Hmm

peonypower · 14/12/2019 16:07

I think totally reasonable to worry about your daughter.

Some teenagers can find it very hard when their parents embark on a second family. I can remember a boyfriend telling me how when he was 13 and visiting his father and new baby half brother actually considered smothering the baby. He didn't (fortunately), but at 32 he still hated his brother for "replacing" him, as he saw it.

Some kids are ok with it, many aren't. And why the hell should they be?

Babies are all consuming. Even leaving the house is a palaver. Nap times. Tons of baby gear everywhere you go. Totally constraining on everything. I can totally see how a teenager would get hacked off with it.

hsegfiugseskufh · 14/12/2019 16:09

peony wow that says a lot about the bf as a person. Even if he wasnt happy it wasnt the babies fault! What kind of arsehole doesnt at least realise that as an adult.

user1471449295 · 14/12/2019 16:12

His right to have another child.
Your daughter’s right not to be made to care for baby.
Just tell her she doesn’t have to do anything.

Swipe left for the next trending thread