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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

52yr old ExH having baby with GF

279 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 10:08

So this is the latest in a long line of ex husband posts from me where he just seems to be doing his utmost to destroy his relationship with our 16 year old daughter. We've been divorced for coming up for 9 years and I am happily remarried. Daughter rang me in tears last night with the news of the pregnancy. There have been comments already about the baby sharing her room if they don't manage to move house in time, and her helping to look after the baby if they need a break. I don't care what he does with his life but seriously, she is doing her A-levels the year after next and having a baby in the house (and being expected to contribute to its care) is not what she needs. I feel like this hasn't been fully thought through. I don't know what I want people to say but I feel like just telling her not to bother going to her dad's any more. She said she was going low contact but I think he bullies her into going and she then feels obligated. I'm sure she's going to be excited about having a younger sibling (she's an only child, except for step-siblings) but it just all feels a bit weird and surreal to me.

OP posts:
YouretheChristmasCarcass · 13/12/2019 13:31

Your DD needs counseling to gain the tools and confidence needed to deal with her abusive father. She needs to 'break the chain' of bending to a man's abusive behaviour or she may end up in an abusive relationship in the future.

As it stands, all you can do is support her, listen to her, and make sure she knows she does NOT have to see her father if/when she doesn't want to. That it's OK to turn off her phone or delay responding to him. Nor does she have to serve as de facto childcare if she can avoid it. But also, that this is a new announcement and that things may not turn out exactly as her father thinks they will. Encourage her to take a deep breath and 'bide her time' until the baby is actually here, to not borrow trouble. But do seek counseling for her in the meantime.

Sandals19 · 13/12/2019 13:33

*How PRECISELY is he abusing his DD?

This is disrespectful to DC's who are abused, with real problems, terrible problems. Don't use the word lightly.*

Severe abuse doesnt make any less severe abuse acceptable; it just makes the perpetrators even more evil.

It's not up to you to categorise and scale abuse.

Also on this subject alone there are two clear examples of inappropriate expectations/pressure being put on op's daughter.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 13:33

Christmas she cant dictate anything about the room sharing, its none of her business.

Her daughter can choose not to stay there, and choose not to babysit, if that's what she wants.

Sandals thanks, but I know exactly how 16yo me would have dealt with an abusive father, because I did just that and now don't see him as a consequence. I did not feel the need to pander to him just because we are biologically related. I didn't need my mum to step in, but if I had have done, I would have asked. If she'd gone in all guns blazing and made up my mind for me, I would have been mad at her.

Its not a load of shite at all.

Sandals19 · 13/12/2019 13:34

But you are still going on about your exDH NOW. 9 years later.

Probably because it's still affecting her life.

And that's hardly exceptional.it seems like yours actively trying to be offensive, dismissive etc.

Troll.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 13:35

the dd needs to make her mind up, if she then needs op to get involved, op absolutely should.

if this man is abusive, and controlling, it will not go down well for op to do all the talking because he will simply not believe a word she says and want to hear it from the daughter.

Sandals19 · 13/12/2019 13:35

@Bollykecks

Well that was you.

Not anyone else, not ops DD.

BillieEilish · 13/12/2019 13:37

In what way is babysitting abuse? In what way is sharing a room abuse?
Going into town with friends? Going for a walk with parents?

Dear God.

No, not 'severe abuse'

Sandals19 · 13/12/2019 13:37

Oh and no need to thank me - absolutely nothing I said was for your benefit, only op's.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 13:37

sandals yes, it was, but what im saying is not all 16 year olds need their mum to fight their battles and make their minds up for them.

This needs to be her decision, not what her mum wants. She needs her mums support with whatever she decides to do.

Drum2018 · 13/12/2019 13:38

At the end of the day your dd is old enough to decline to stay at her dad's if he insists on putting a small baby in a bedroom with her. She's old enough to decide what relationship she wants with him, his gf and the new baby. Reassure her now that she won't be forced into sharing a room or babysitting. You don't need to bring it up with your exh at all.

BillieEilish · 13/12/2019 13:39

Sandals Did you just call me a troll?

Nice.

Everyone in this situation has to catch a grip.

Sandals19 · 13/12/2019 13:39

@BillieEilish

What on earth are you going off on one about.

I wasn't referring to the issue mentioned in this thread as abuse, but the other things op touched on.

The things mentioned in this thread are totally inappropriate. A d give an indication of the mindset of op's ex.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 13:40

Sandals occasional babysitting how absolutely inappropriate

sharing a room with a sibling probably one night a week CALL THE PRESS.

Sandals19 · 13/12/2019 13:40

You can read then, congratulations.

Yes - because you are behaving like one. And a bit of a bully really.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 13:41

do you know what a troll is sandals?

Namechanger23455 · 13/12/2019 13:42

Did they potentially say that re the babysitting as a way to include her so she doesn’t feel left out? I would imagine dad an gf are very very excited bout the news and are just a bit carried away with it all.

My DSS is 17, I’ve got a four year old and a newborn, he’s a fantastic older brother. He was an only child until his sibling came along when he was 13.... he is also a good baby sitter!! He was a life saver when I went into early labour and looked after DC4 at home over night whilst I was in hospital. My DH would have missed the birth if it wasn’t for him.

I think your DD will come into her own with a sibling to be honest, it will of course be strange for her as she has been used to being centre of attention for many years.

Sandals19 · 13/12/2019 13:43

Occasionally baby sitting is not inappropriate; being expected to - without volunteering - inappropriate. It seems to have been implied not just for a few hours as well - inappropriate.

Sharing a newborn/small baby's room (any age until reliably sleeping through and not having feeds) - inappropriate.

The parents to be have chosen that slepp deprivation for themselves, they have absolutely no right to inflict it on anyone else. Ops DD should not be having to deal with, settle a baby at night, which is extremely likely if they're in the sane room as her. That is the parents job.

Sandals19 · 13/12/2019 13:44

*same

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/12/2019 13:44

@Butterflyflower1234 I'm so glad the circumstances of my life are keeping you entertained. And it's Jeremy Kyle.

Really am going now. Have had some really useful advice so thanks. To the rest of you who are being nasty - fuck off. I hope you sleep in your beds tonight knowing that you have kicked someone when they were down.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 13/12/2019 13:45

If you dd was being bullied in this mannerat a work place then an assertiveness course would be the suggestifrom HR

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/12/2019 13:46

mental and selfish

Well that must be my df and me theN 🙄🙄

He was 50 when had a baby with me , yet has 3 older children in their 20’s

She is our miracle baby - 5 private ivf to get her

He is may die before our daughter is an adult

Or he may live to 80 and she will be 30

Sounds like your daughter has her nose out of joint. She won’t be the youngest anymore

Tho obv sharing a room with a baby when 18 isn’t ideal but hopefully they will move

Sandals19 · 13/12/2019 13:46

Even if they use a monitor, spring out of bed and dash in to deal with the baby themselves (seems rather unlikely) ... They would be interrupting the sleep of and imposing in the privacy of a sixteen yr old girl - inappropriate.

Mintjulia · 13/12/2019 13:47

I had ds with my dp when he was 56 and his dd was 21.

His dd was very resentful for about a year and then got over it. Now she and ds are fine. For us at least, it isn’t an issue.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/12/2019 13:47

sandals

there have been comments already about the baby sharing her room if they don't manage to move house in time, and her helping to look after the baby if they need a break

they haven't implied that its forced babysitting, nor have they implied its going to be more than a few hours. Also, she can say no, cant she? she doesn't even live there! she wont be there to have a baby left with her!!

Sharing a newborn/small baby's room (any age until reliably sleeping through and not having feeds) - inappropriate

many children share rooms with small not reliably sleeping through children FULL TIME. Is that inappropriate too? thought not.

The parents to be have chosen that slepp deprivation for themselves, they have absolutely no right to inflict it on anyone else. Ops DD should not be having to deal with, settle a baby at night, which is extremely likely if they're in the sane room as her. That is the parents job

by that thought process, you should only have 1 child, shouldn't you?

nobody has suggested that the dd would be settling any babies at night, you've just totally made that up!

Butterflyflower1234 · 13/12/2019 13:47

Sorry OP but I never watched the show so apologises for the typo :-)

As others have said, nine years ago your Ex left you - get over it. Your daughter is 16. Old enough to make her own decisions and if she doesn't want to see her DD then that's her choice (unless there's a court order in place).

I would strongly suggest you seek counselling too as you clearly have issues with your Ex that need addressing. Best of luck.