I Have snooped on Husbands Email

[Whitedogwithspots]

I know I have got myself into this dilemma;
Married 30 years- adult kids- all as OK as it can be
'DH' has been awful in the past- we are talking 2 discovered ( by accident texts, not the outcome of snooping) 'affairs' over past 20 years.
Got through some counselling- quite intensive stuff - and he 'rehabbed' as really wanted to get my trust etc. And we both agreed- we loved each other and wanted to move on..

Since then and for the past 2 years he has been working abroad- I go out there every 2 months and he comes here the next time- and we speak and WhatsApp daily.

He is home for Xmas but due to flights etc he is due to return to his work country on 30th December and I have asked him what his plans are for NYE. The past 2, he has spent with friends who live close to him abroad. This year they are here in UK for Xmas so my DH will be alone on NYE. He has said several times over the past 2 months he has nil planned as he is potentially working on new years day, and isn't fussed - this is believable….

SO- he was home here 3 months ago and used my laptop to log in to his email account - and he didn't log out....and....I have looked at it every few days since- I am ashamed.

Very little of interest over the past few weeks, and all quite mundane stuff. In November I saw a request for an NYE special meal package at a seriously good restaurant - requesting a table for 2...I have been taken here when I have visited. The email back from the restaurant said yes and stated the price- DH replied saying too much money and if it was reduced or they had any last minute reductions to let him know.

It is very possible that this would have been for him and a male work colleague who I know is also going to be in the country alone also and this is a guy he does go out with for evenings. I didn't overthink that.

However. I have just seen a Hotel Reservation made for NYE In a super smart expensive 5 star( where I have also been)
It states it is a King Size Room for '2 adults'

I again asked DH about NYE plans since I saw this- and again he says nothing special is planned. The Hotel is close to the 'fun' part of town with a lot of bars and tbh prostitution opportunities. And I DO suspect him as this is an issue pf the past but one I was reassured was historical and we were over it.

Do I???

Get a flight over - to arrive on NYE and book a room at the hotel and 'surprise' him?
It would be feasible as he regards the place as a treat with excellent leisure facilities and brilliant food....I could easily dress it up as being a surprise NYE treat as I was so worried he'd start the year alone.

My GUT tells me that this is a very likely arrangement made to potentially go out either with his friend and have a 'boys night' with a pre-booked hotel to take a paid for woman with him, or he has got a thing going with a regular girlfriend that he wants to treat to a night in a hotel ( which is a big step up from his company flat)

I have worked out that I could easily get the flight and I know my way around and how to get to the hotel....plan would be to call him - surprise surprise style on the evening of NYE and ask him to the hotel where he would find me.

I think it far more likely that he will have turned his phone off or actually leave it at his flat and go out. Then I wouldn't be able to get hold of him and I can see the scenario unfold where I would sit in the foyer all evening and see him arrive WITH a woman.....and I then cant actually think about what would happen next ...it wont be pretty and it WOULD end in a divorce - albeit I will be on the flight back 3 days later and he will remain in the country.

Do I meet it head on - or say nothing and stay here?
IF I mention the email and admit snooping - he WILL just lie and say it is for a friend who needed him to book it as he has a loyalty card and gets a good rate. We have stayed there 4 times over the past 18 months so this is true. BUT he has form and can lie for England.

Of course I know I have done wrong- but I cannot bear any more deceptions and I had JUST about learnt to trust him - he hasn't given me any reason to think there is anyone else in the interim but having seen this reservation, I cant stop the mind movies.

It feels like an inevitability that 2020 will get off to a bad bad start and I also know whatever happens, then I will regret it.

For the record, I do love him and I think he loves me - but there is a piece of him that is still an adulterous disrespecter despite advancing years and a renegotiated arrangement of trust and acceptance between us.

Any advice anyone....shall I go or not or just suck it up either way....

What outcome do you want, OP?

Could it possibly be a christmas surpise present from him to you and that is why he has not mentioned it to you? Or could he be arranging it for someone else ie a friend who needs a booking. . .

I can’t imagine the pain of surprising him to be honest. It doesn’t look like anything other than a prearranged date with a sexual partner - or why not tell you about it?
If you want to stay with him - talk to him and book more counselling.
Personally I would exit the relationship at this stage as it didn’t sound like something you are willing to turn a blind eye to....

Op, there is really only one possibility here and that is that he is taking someone to dinner and then treating them to a posh hotel for NYE.

Either, he’s planned this as a massive surprise for you??? Or someone who is not you.

Do you need to go to the lengths of going to the hotel and waiting? What will it achieve when you already know. You don’t need any more evidence.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Your husband sounds like a dick and someone you’d be happier without.

OP, please take a step back and ask yourself what you want to have happen here.

What are you trying to achieve? So you go and surprise him - what then?

He is lying to you. You know that. A posh meal and a posh hotel booking for 2 when he 'has nothing planned'.

He clearly doesn't love you enough after the pain he put you through twice.

Do you really want to stay with him knowing he will do this whenever he wants?

Get a flight and surprise him. However Be clear before u go what outcome u want depending on which scenario presents itself.

Also have an escape plan - u don't want to be stuck there with no get out plan if the worst happens!!

OP
Do you NEED to see it with your eyes?
If you need proof, get an investigator.
If you don't trust him, then what's the point?

All
Thank you

I think of course- that I do know

It was hard beyond everything to forgive and move on last time. Last time- I found out by accident - really....I had never snooped and never pryed.

I think I do know this time - and my sole reason for going and likely finding what I know is potentially the case is for one reason...I need to be the one to catch him out and leave NO doubt. If I confront him and he lies that it is perhaps for a friend or- a room he has rented as he knows Taxis are hard to come by on NYE ( and that is exactly the type of lie he could or will tell) then I will actually NEVER know for sure and knowing for sure is what I need.

Horrible though it will be, I will have seen with my own eyes, him stepping out of a cab with a woman. I will confront him obviously, but that is where it will end. He will know it is the end. I do not expect anything apart from being able to go forward knowing for sure and doubt will be removed. I will then be able to make my decision without difficulty and it will be hideous but actually- for once - an honest break

What’s the point? To be honest I think you know what he is capable of. He had done it twice before that you know of (he may well have other undiscovered affairs) and you have stayed with him. This to some men is a green light to just do whatever they like as a few sweet nothings, “I love you” and a bit of token counselling sees him forgiven.

If you are likely to stay with him regardless, then you might as well do nothing because within a year or two he will be at it again. Some people are just wired that way.

Shame you can't empty his account for a period of time so his cards will be denied and he's date will have to fork out instead ?! No idea how if if that's possible - but it's what I'd try to do !

Sorry for typos - long day at the office

I can understand what WhiteDog is saying re. seeing with her own eyes.

Can you really hold this in over Xmas?
Just check that he’s not booking this for you, can you say you want to double check again no NYE plans as you want to book tickets to an event with a friend?

What's the latest time you could ask him New Year's Eve what he's doing that night?

Ask him and if he still doesn't mention it, if it was me I'd claim I was ill and going to bed and then fly over there.

I'd probably go the restaurant though if you know the booking time.

I'd also have to see it with my own eyes.

OP I want to gently suggest that you may be engineering a dramatic discovery and confrontation because you feel you can't just leave him without proving to the world that he forced your hand.

I feel like a confrontation would be incredibly traumatic for you. And in a foreign country. Is this really a good idea?

Can you not keep your dignity and just quietly start divorce proceedings?

Having a confrontation will boost his ego, make you look a bit nuts, traumatize you and make you really vulnerable to him talking you round. Because you will be traumatized. You'll feel so shit that you'll be really easy to argue with etc.

Can you not get your friends around you and just start doing what's best for you?

This marriage is over. You dont need to design the final act. It will cost you so much and for what? Dont imagine it will make anything easier.

Apologies for being blunt. I'm concerned for you x

If you do go to the expense of flying over & staying in the hotel, don't call him saying you're there! He'll have the chance to change his plans.

If you do plan on doing this, I'd get insurance in case you need to cancel if it turns out the treat is for you.

I’d be cautious OP.
You say he’s working abroad... is this the Middle East.

If you arrive as his bona fide wife, and there’s any kind of showdown or confusion in the hotel, then he will be seen as committing adultery, and that’s a crime. Whatever you may feel about him, having a long spell in jail / death sentence / criminal record / huge fine may be an unintended consequence of your needing to know.

If you saw him walk into the hotel with a woman, would you know for sure he’s cheating? How would seeing him with another person (woman or man) confirm anything for you?

I think you need to divorce him.

Get your ducks in a row and get out. Sorry you’re going through this.

I wouldn’t ring him for a surprise - text messages are easy to change plans. If you want to go, and it sounds like you do why not reserve a table for yourself in the restaurant?

I say if you really need that clarity, and I think I would too, then go.

I would highly advise against confronting him though. Go, see, and then begin your plans for your new life. You don't know what he'll say or how you'll feel in the heat of the moment and you may do/say something you'll regret if you try to surprise confront him with OW in tow. Don't give him any more of your energy by doing that.

Best of luck, OP. Keep us updated if you can.

@ThenamesBond
I hear you and its Asia- climate is very free/easy/sin city
@QueenofOversharing
Absolutely - BUT I think I know already he will be hard to reach as phone will be off...he knows even if i am apparently in UK that I will be calling and so will he be calling, to wish me HNY- he will be 8 hrs ahead of me so 4pm our time-and completely agree - if he knew I was on the doorstep, the other woman would be cancelled
@rvby
I know- and yes it will be horrible but i do feel strong after last time when i was actually a complete pushover as he denies everything and makes me doubt- for me, doubt is my weakness and enemy
@itcamefrombeckyvardyself
This is a bit of a worry as I will be in the air at a time when he is likely to call me to wish me HNY- and tell me he will be turning his phone off or leaving it at his flat and is in fact having an early night ...I am wise to his tactics
@onlyfoolsnmothers
Yes, I can hold it in over Xmas. It is 100% definitely not for me...he knows i have limited time off from work and i only went there in October and no way on earth will he be booking for me
@lige
Thankyou
@666onmyhead
Not possible- I have no access to his credit or debit cards plus it is all paid for as I can see from the email
@zzzz19
I do need to know and see it- and it will be over. I have a BIG birthday at end of January and my tolerance has gone..

This is awful on every level. Xmas will be hard and he will doubtless reiterate his NYE 'nothing arranged' plans and i am going to have work hard to keep a passive stance - but i will

Thanks all I appreciate it so much

I reverted to my other name there as my Son has now gone and I can't let him see this and he knows i am clarice :(

If you can afford it then go for it. As you say he’ll lie if you confront him.

However I have everything crossed he gives you a flight out for NYE With him as a Christmas present.

If you don’t want to be married to him anymore, who cares what sordid things he’s arranging for himself. Don’t put yourself through it. Tell him it’s over, and start looking forward and planning your future life on your own terms without him.

You don't need proof of adultery for divorce.

You don't trust him. That to me is the bottom line.

I'd be getting legal advice about your assets and the likely outcome of a divorce in terms of your finances I think. You might not ever use it.

Can I ask a question: given that you don't trust him, what do you get out of your marriage? If it's fear of being on your own that stops you thinking about divorce, I can tell you categorically that your life is short, and you deserve more than spending it with a man who sounds dishonest and a serial cheat.