I Have snooped on Husbands Email

[Whitedogwithspots]

I know I have got myself into this dilemma;
Married 30 years- adult kids- all as OK as it can be
'DH' has been awful in the past- we are talking 2 discovered ( by accident texts, not the outcome of snooping) 'affairs' over past 20 years.
Got through some counselling- quite intensive stuff - and he 'rehabbed' as really wanted to get my trust etc. And we both agreed- we loved each other and wanted to move on..

Since then and for the past 2 years he has been working abroad- I go out there every 2 months and he comes here the next time- and we speak and WhatsApp daily.

He is home for Xmas but due to flights etc he is due to return to his work country on 30th December and I have asked him what his plans are for NYE. The past 2, he has spent with friends who live close to him abroad. This year they are here in UK for Xmas so my DH will be alone on NYE. He has said several times over the past 2 months he has nil planned as he is potentially working on new years day, and isn't fussed - this is believable….

SO- he was home here 3 months ago and used my laptop to log in to his email account - and he didn't log out....and....I have looked at it every few days since- I am ashamed.

Very little of interest over the past few weeks, and all quite mundane stuff. In November I saw a request for an NYE special meal package at a seriously good restaurant - requesting a table for 2...I have been taken here when I have visited. The email back from the restaurant said yes and stated the price- DH replied saying too much money and if it was reduced or they had any last minute reductions to let him know.

It is very possible that this would have been for him and a male work colleague who I know is also going to be in the country alone also and this is a guy he does go out with for evenings. I didn't overthink that.

However. I have just seen a Hotel Reservation made for NYE In a super smart expensive 5 star( where I have also been)
It states it is a King Size Room for '2 adults'

I again asked DH about NYE plans since I saw this- and again he says nothing special is planned. The Hotel is close to the 'fun' part of town with a lot of bars and tbh prostitution opportunities. And I DO suspect him as this is an issue pf the past but one I was reassured was historical and we were over it.

Do I???

Get a flight over - to arrive on NYE and book a room at the hotel and 'surprise' him?
It would be feasible as he regards the place as a treat with excellent leisure facilities and brilliant food....I could easily dress it up as being a surprise NYE treat as I was so worried he'd start the year alone.

My GUT tells me that this is a very likely arrangement made to potentially go out either with his friend and have a 'boys night' with a pre-booked hotel to take a paid for woman with him, or he has got a thing going with a regular girlfriend that he wants to treat to a night in a hotel ( which is a big step up from his company flat)

I have worked out that I could easily get the flight and I know my way around and how to get to the hotel....plan would be to call him - surprise surprise style on the evening of NYE and ask him to the hotel where he would find me.

I think it far more likely that he will have turned his phone off or actually leave it at his flat and go out. Then I wouldn't be able to get hold of him and I can see the scenario unfold where I would sit in the foyer all evening and see him arrive WITH a woman.....and I then cant actually think about what would happen next ...it wont be pretty and it WOULD end in a divorce - albeit I will be on the flight back 3 days later and he will remain in the country.

Do I meet it head on - or say nothing and stay here?
IF I mention the email and admit snooping - he WILL just lie and say it is for a friend who needed him to book it as he has a loyalty card and gets a good rate. We have stayed there 4 times over the past 18 months so this is true. BUT he has form and can lie for England.

Of course I know I have done wrong- but I cannot bear any more deceptions and I had JUST about learnt to trust him - he hasn't given me any reason to think there is anyone else in the interim but having seen this reservation, I cant stop the mind movies.

It feels like an inevitability that 2020 will get off to a bad bad start and I also know whatever happens, then I will regret it.

For the record, I do love him and I think he loves me - but there is a piece of him that is still an adulterous disrespecter despite advancing years and a renegotiated arrangement of trust and acceptance between us.

Any advice anyone....shall I go or not or just suck it up either way....

Well done OP for being so strong and resolute. Wish you all the best in moving on with your life this year

Oh OP... I have literally sat gasping out loud at your update! The selfish fucking wanker. How pathetic, arrogant, entitled and misogynistic. He’s no bloody addict!

YOU however, are a bloody legend. To hold your nerve and get the proof takes nerves of steel that were unfortunately forged in the fire of the hurts that happened in the past. Hang on to that when you feel when. This man has managed to wither you self esteem to mush with what he’s done, and narcissists will always target kind, empathic people because in situations like this, your natural instinct is to be kind or at least try to understand. He’s manipulating you AGAIN with any begging and displays of remorse. It is not genuine. His one single regret will be leaving access to his email unattended - I would lay my house on it being the only thing he would change if he could turn back the clock OP.

Sending love and hugs to you. Let 2020 be your last unhappy year x

OP you've handled this with such class and dignity. I'm so sorry I don't have any useful advice but I couldn't read and run.

You are one amazing lady. So strong. Big hugs to you.

You are remarkable. What an astonishingly brave woman you are.
I'm so sorry that you're in this situation but I think the way that you have dealt with this is fantastic.
I'm sure you must be in emotional turmoil, but please do not back down or your amazing work over NYE will be in vain.
He is scared of what he's got coming to him but he's brought it all on himself.

I've just read the whole thread 😳 and I just want to say what an amazing lady you are !!!!! Right now I'm not surprised you feel the way you do but what you did shows 1, He never in a million years deserved you ! 2 , He will never find another like you! BUT .... You are sooo much better, deserve sooo much better and I imagine the idiot never for one second imagined you would ever find out what a total waste of space he is ! Wishing all the love and luck in the world and although it will be tough nothing will be harder than what you have already done . I truly admire you for going with what you felt ♥️♥️

What a fucking pig!
You however sound like a strong woman who has dignity and self respect. Don't let him worm his way back in.
Stay strong.
It's a cliche but I believe you're better off now that you know for sure.

I don't think he is a Sex Addict - more likely a narcissist.

Fear of intimacy - check; lying and deception - check; totally self-interested - check; manipulative behavior - check.

You'll have to have your wits about you in the divorce process OP, or he'll run rings round you. But you are clearly a very smart lady. You can do this!

OP, for the time being, can you get yourself into counselling? Not so much marriage counselling but counselling just for you and to help you process this? I know there's a need to try and make sense of things, to work out the "WHY???" and then to try and fix it but maybe leave that to one side for now.

Whether or not your husband can overcome whatever it is that impels him to behave like this is, I think, for the moment, immaterial. You need to focus solely on you and your own well-being. In time, I hope, you will have the self-knowledge and tools to do what is best for you and your future.

I also don't think he's a sex addict.

He was paying for her time, not just sex. He wanted a girlfriend who he could control. Quite scary really.

Holy fuckballs, I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this.

FWIW you sound absolutely bloody AWESOME and you are well rid of him. This is your opportunity to be rid of this sleazy cuntweasel and move on without having to question your own sanity.

Stay strong, it’s going to be bumpy but you are going to be so much happier without him.

Thank you to you all, I am so heartened by the lovely positive comments made since my update.

I have to admit, I feel awful, lost, isolated and in shock - but prior to taking that flight I was 100% focussed on what I wanted to get out of it. Now I have it, I am so sad. However, Im going 'with it' and have booked some 'support for partners of sex addicts' sessions (paid for by joint company health scheme as held by STBX)

I have read all the comments re him being a 'sex addict' v 'selfish misogynistic shit 'and agree he is more likely the latter - and more - although the net impact is the same for me

All I can feel is betrayal and disappointment and I am using that D word with care as tbh I fully expected it so cant be disappointed. I suppose it was the hope I had that I could be wrong.

I just wanted to add that I did not have to reveal that I had snooped....I simply positioned it that it was a surprise NYE treat, and it was just a coincidence that I booked the very same hotel he had - back in early December. He hasn't questioned me about this and appears to believe this- it doesn't matter that he has or not but it was worth pointing it out!

Re the possibility that the dinner was booked for my STBX AND a male friend, of course it wasn't but it transpires that the male friend was also involved in using prostitutes and ideally they would have both 'pulled' that night. Initially, my STBX explains, that he had booked the hotel for himself and another - not specifically the girl I found him with who was his regular visitor....initially he and the male friend were going to eat out and then go clubbing and likely pull any old prostitute and thereby guaranteeing a place to stay on a night when taxis would be a pain to find. No surprises to tell you that we are talking Hong Kong where riots/demos are ongoing and public transport is suddenly withdrawn if a riot crops up.....more reason to stay locally.

Sadly, I get a call from STBX today to tell me just to add a bit more misery that he was diagnosed with Herpes Type 2 a year ago and has had 2 episodes of activity - blisters - in the past 12 months - I was NOT aware and he swears he did not have sex with me during this time as I was safely tucked in UK. Isnt he the complete gem?

I really could cry but I wont. I have arranged my counselling assessment session and my special clinic appointment for this weekend coming.

Im also going to have a long and leisurely leaf through all of his emails just for the hell of it- he still hasn't changed his PW so - at least I will have something to indulge my tendency to snoop (not) over the next few days...

How I would love to have been wrong but although I am still shaking ( I WAS absolutely fine in the hotel and on the flight home ) I am now really feeling the misery of wasted time, years and love..

He really is an entitled moron and he has specifically asked me to hold fire until he has done some counselling - obviously I wont as I suspect he will be moving money and making it magically disappear into the bowels of a Chinese Banking system.....hopefully the emails will help but I am aware of the 'Immerman' Law - aka The Cheats Charter - so will have to pick and choose with some discretion.

Thanks all and again big love to you all who have written X

Christ OP, it never rains but it pours.... Yes do not delay

I feel for you I really do, I'm two years only almost to the day of discovery and not dissimilar to your own situation. It's far too easy when they are working away to have their cake and eat it.!

My advice is to look into the financials as soon as you are able because the remorseful husband act will soon wear thin and he will more than likely look into moving money to avoid losing it.

That awful shell shocked feeling does get better but takes time. Be kind to yourself and trust no one but yourself at this point. xx

Crikey, how on earth did you manage to check in before him when you got the flight after him?

oMG, OP if you ever doubt your decision to divorce, you have a file to pull out right there. He thinks that being good to one's wife is not giving her Herpes.

Please please get legal advice as soon as you can. If he’s likely to be hiding money away then you need to be on the ball.

@Happy97

I arrived into HK at 18.30 local time- STBX had arrived at 14.30 four hours before. In that time, he had gone straight to Hotel and checked in..met his tart there and had a bit of sex - he then went back to his flat - where he knew I would expect to find him on location services. He also knew - or thought - I would be free at work at about 11am UK time to call and check how his flight was and he wanted to be 'at home' for that. Obviously on WhatsApp I can see where he is etc....he was also ready with his story that he had only recently landed and was exhausted so in order to beat his predictable jet lag, he would go to bed at 8pm - local time and hence be asleep at his midnight with the help of a sleeping tablet....also worth noting, he began to 'set the scene' whilst still at home with me and before the taxi came to take him to the airport, he started telling me he that he felt the start of a cold and would go straight home to sleep!

What he didn't know when he was whatsapping me - on audio only - that I was landed at HK and on train into central - and the hotel.

I admit I lied and typed that I couldn't do a video call as I was between work meetings...he tried everything he could to persuade me he was going straight to bed with a pill and to then not be surprised if he didn't pick up the phone at midnight his time ( 4pm UK time) and that if that was the case, he would then call me at 8am the next morning - his time - to wish me HNY at midnight our time!!

What he was unaware of was that I already knew he was literally 'planting' his phone at his flat and would maintain he was out of it and asleep if I tried to call him.

I went straight to hotel, booked in and freshened up which took about 30 mins and then when I went down to foyer to await the sight of him booking in, I realised he had already done it and had called into hotel to collect his 'date' and go to dinner.....she had stayed at the hotel so he could go back to his flat, plant the phone, deal with the wife and then go out to play!

So that was NOT what I expected and I saw him leave the hotel - it must have been no more than 30 mins after we had been whatsapping - and I had left it that I would be giving him a surprise later.....I could hear the fret in his voice when I told him but he had simply zero idea that I was NOT 7000 miles away at the time.....small consolation really but I am proud to have carried it off!! And as for his face when I hammered on the hotel room door ( incidentally 4 rooms away from mine) was a PICTURE!!!!

I then had a hour with him telling him what was now going to happen- armed with 3 large Vodkas - and he then checked out of the hotel and presumably went back to his flat....he may even have called his tart back and got his night of lust after all but I have no idea.

I stayed with a friend - not a close one but a very kind one - for the day on NYD - and got a flight back on 2nd Jan at lunchtime - keeping in touch with STBX all the time to ensure he was aware I was still upright and not sobbing in a corner - which I think he expected. The papers for serving have been sent today.

sorry you're going through such a hard time. He sounds vile and I think you're bloody amazing!

You are a woman to look up to.
Well done

You’re amazing!!!!

I have to say it again after your mosr recent post....you're simply amazing. I really applaud you in every way.

Your H planned this escapade down to a tee....he's no sex addict....he's just your bog standard serial cheater. No more....no less.

Your strength, bravery and resolve is second to none. Don't ever doubt yourself.

You really are one awesome lady and you will get through this. Listen to Gloria Gaynor ... I will survive!!

Fair play to you. You know now. I mean, really, obviously, you knew before, but you will never end up second guessing your intuition now.

I agree with SandyY2k, just a common or garden variety of cheat. He wanted to cheat in comfort, enjoy the meal, the attention, the thrill of getting away with his double life in comfort, planning his lies in advance. That's not a sex addict (whatever that is). This is just a man who wants to have his cake and eat it and has no qualms about lying to you and trying to make you believe you have one life when actually you have another.

I

Omg!What a strong woman you are!!Your husband on the other hand never deserved you.I hope you find someone really nice who appreciates you.Lots of hugs.x