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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I Have snooped on Husbands Email

215 replies

Whitedogwithspots · 12/12/2019 17:10

I know I have got myself into this dilemma;
Married 30 years- adult kids- all as OK as it can be
'DH' has been awful in the past- we are talking 2 discovered ( by accident texts, not the outcome of snooping) 'affairs' over past 20 years.
Got through some counselling- quite intensive stuff - and he 'rehabbed' as really wanted to get my trust etc. And we both agreed- we loved each other and wanted to move on..

Since then and for the past 2 years he has been working abroad- I go out there every 2 months and he comes here the next time- and we speak and WhatsApp daily.

He is home for Xmas but due to flights etc he is due to return to his work country on 30th December and I have asked him what his plans are for NYE. The past 2, he has spent with friends who live close to him abroad. This year they are here in UK for Xmas so my DH will be alone on NYE. He has said several times over the past 2 months he has nil planned as he is potentially working on new years day, and isn't fussed - this is believable….

SO- he was home here 3 months ago and used my laptop to log in to his email account - and he didn't log out....and....I have looked at it every few days since- I am ashamed.

Very little of interest over the past few weeks, and all quite mundane stuff. In November I saw a request for an NYE special meal package at a seriously good restaurant - requesting a table for 2...I have been taken here when I have visited. The email back from the restaurant said yes and stated the price- DH replied saying too much money and if it was reduced or they had any last minute reductions to let him know.

It is very possible that this would have been for him and a male work colleague who I know is also going to be in the country alone also and this is a guy he does go out with for evenings. I didn't overthink that.

However. I have just seen a Hotel Reservation made for NYE In a super smart expensive 5 star( where I have also been)
It states it is a King Size Room for '2 adults'

I again asked DH about NYE plans since I saw this- and again he says nothing special is planned. The Hotel is close to the 'fun' part of town with a lot of bars and tbh prostitution opportunities. And I DO suspect him as this is an issue pf the past but one I was reassured was historical and we were over it.

Do I???

Get a flight over - to arrive on NYE and book a room at the hotel and 'surprise' him?
It would be feasible as he regards the place as a treat with excellent leisure facilities and brilliant food....I could easily dress it up as being a surprise NYE treat as I was so worried he'd start the year alone.

My GUT tells me that this is a very likely arrangement made to potentially go out either with his friend and have a 'boys night' with a pre-booked hotel to take a paid for woman with him, or he has got a thing going with a regular girlfriend that he wants to treat to a night in a hotel ( which is a big step up from his company flat)

I have worked out that I could easily get the flight and I know my way around and how to get to the hotel....plan would be to call him - surprise surprise style on the evening of NYE and ask him to the hotel where he would find me.

I think it far more likely that he will have turned his phone off or actually leave it at his flat and go out. Then I wouldn't be able to get hold of him and I can see the scenario unfold where I would sit in the foyer all evening and see him arrive WITH a woman.....and I then cant actually think about what would happen next ...it wont be pretty and it WOULD end in a divorce - albeit I will be on the flight back 3 days later and he will remain in the country.

Do I meet it head on - or say nothing and stay here?
IF I mention the email and admit snooping - he WILL just lie and say it is for a friend who needed him to book it as he has a loyalty card and gets a good rate. We have stayed there 4 times over the past 18 months so this is true. BUT he has form and can lie for England.

Of course I know I have done wrong- but I cannot bear any more deceptions and I had JUST about learnt to trust him - he hasn't given me any reason to think there is anyone else in the interim but having seen this reservation, I cant stop the mind movies.

It feels like an inevitability that 2020 will get off to a bad bad start and I also know whatever happens, then I will regret it.

For the record, I do love him and I think he loves me - but there is a piece of him that is still an adulterous disrespecter despite advancing years and a renegotiated arrangement of trust and acceptance between us.

Any advice anyone....shall I go or not or just suck it up either way....

OP posts:
rvby · 12/12/2019 18:48

If you must confront him, please at least see a solicitor first and have that initial discussion about assets and how the divorce will play out.

Protect yourself, get ahead of him practically.

The emotional side, as you'll learn in time, is actually not the most important part of divorce. The emotions hurt, but practicalities will likely affect the rest of your life.

Put that life first.

jillandhersprite · 12/12/2019 19:06

Rather than waste the money on a flight for you could you use it to engage a private investigator to trail and photo him that night?
Saves you the pain and difficulties but gives you the proof you want to have...

CalleighDoodle · 12/12/2019 19:10

He is a liar who sleeps with prostitutes and has affairs. All which you already know and accept. Not sure what you actually want!

crispysausagerolls · 12/12/2019 19:17

If you do go there, if you let him know you are there you will
Warn him and won’t discover anything. Better to go to the hotel, show ID that you are his wife and act like you want your key card. Wait for him in the room and see who he shows up with. That’s what I would do.

Epona1 · 12/12/2019 19:18

I don’t think the issue here is what he is or isn’t getting up to on NYs or any other time.

The real issue is that you don’t trust him. No trust, no relationship

Cheeseboardcriminal · 12/12/2019 19:22

If it was for you then there would be flight confirmations too.

I agree with spending the flight/hotel money on a private investigator. You can then get a head start on the divorce before confronting him.

Happygirl79 · 12/12/2019 19:34

This man has no respect for you
Why live your life with a man you can't trust?
Divorce him and find someone worthy of your love
The private detective is a good idea if you really feel the need to see exactly what he is doing
I think it will hurt you beyond belief
if you travel there and see him in person with someone else
You deserve better

dottydolly72 · 12/12/2019 19:45

In some countries NY is very special.. hence why he's not with you NYE possibly and with someone else. I'm guessing where he is.. double life springs to mind. I have been there and earned my stripes in this one. Middle East? It's not going to end well, get your shit together hugs xx

xmaspartybull · 12/12/2019 20:01

oh no - worried for you about the name change and then replying in your real name and your son seeing it. I'm sure if you ask for your messages to be removed it will be ok.

CottonSock · 12/12/2019 20:07

I'd have a private investigator trailing him now. Going out there will make you vulnerable

Clymene · 12/12/2019 20:11

The only reason I can see for you going there is to drop the divorce papers in his lap for the drama.

Otherwise it's just a waste of money. You know he's cheating.

Just get the divorce papers and put them in his suitcase.

DecemberDays · 12/12/2019 20:12

You can ask MN to remove the posts in your usual username by pressing report on your own message; or if you are really worried, ask for the thread to be deleted and start again.

Aside from that, I personally would not waste the money - lawyers are expensive and you will need it for that.

Original poster
Whitedogwithspots · 12/12/2019 20:14

I know it will be v hard to divorce him from such a distance and also know he can more easily store and hide money as he is abroad with a national bank account and very little in the UK
The house is in my name but I know that it would be part of all assets to share from the pot 50/50
He does have an excellent pension and I have none.

He is untrustworthy in every aspect of his life and I don't care about Divorce as it makes little difference to me. He is generous. And he is polite to me and is a great cook. He is a poor husband and is an accomplished liar. But being married - or Divorced isn't important to me . This is absolutely about my self esteem and making an evidence based decision

OP posts:
doublebarrellednurse · 12/12/2019 20:29

Honestly. I'd have to go. I'd have to see it. I probably wouldn't confront at the time though. I'd come back, sort my shit out and start proceedings.

It may be he's bought you tickets for Christmas to go back with him though 🤞🏻

Chattybum · 12/12/2019 20:30

I think you are wildly over complicating this. Who do you know, in a reasonable marriage who is / has ever even considering undertaking a covert spying mission, including flights, to Asia, on NYE to attempt to bust a cheater? It's mad. You know it is. You shouldn't have to do this. Don't put yourself through it. You know enough.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/12/2019 20:32

OP mentioned an 8 hour time difference, so it's not the Middle East ... more likely Las Vegas or Thailand

I'm another who'd use a private investigator rather than undergo the hassle and pain of a discovery in person. It's true that without trust it's over anyway, but as another who ended a 30 plus year marriage for similar reasons, I also understand the need to know

carly2803 · 12/12/2019 20:38

you clearly dont trust him. never see him all the time and there will always be doubt there

end itOP more to life

Original poster
Whitedogwithspots · 12/12/2019 20:39

I do see the sense of the private dick but I honestly wouldn't know how to arrange that! I also would have to do it locally and potentially get ripped off. It would be very difficult to do over the holiday period coming up and means dealing with it over in the internet and obviously I do not have any recommendations. I just don't know. I can see how overly dramatic it must seem and I suppose it is - if it was in the next county it wouldn't be but it is a big hike and a plane trip I hate.

OP posts:
LesLavandes · 12/12/2019 20:44

OP why did you not go abroad to live together ?

This all sounds very unhealthy. See a solicitor urgently and take their advice. I'm very sorry for your situation

CruellaDeVille2019 · 12/12/2019 20:50

You have plenty of time to organise a private investigator. There will be ways around finding a good one, even at a distance. Or you could hire one near you and they fly over to do all the snooping. It will cost more but I suspect that this is one occasion where cost isn't the most important issue. The benefit of using a PI is that they will be able to snoop on your husband and get plenty of photos/video evidence throughout the evening, whereas if you were there he will spot you straight away and it's game over.

You need to do something though because otherwise this will eat away at you given his history. I do think sending a PI to get evidence and then emailing him a 'special' new years day message will be more classy and less distressing for you. Flowers

Tighnabruaich · 12/12/2019 21:08

I would go.

ConfCall · 12/12/2019 21:11

I agree with Chattybum. Don’t be Miss Marple. It’ll be painful and humiliating. You already know he’s a cheat. You need no proof.

Make plans for your future. See a solicitor ASAP.

Windmillwhirl · 12/12/2019 21:16

Surely a PI will be cheaper than the cost of your flights and accommodation. Get onto Google, find a reputable one. Do you really want to be over there on your own if you discover he's cheating?. Sounds like a horrible situation for you to be stuck in

TheReef · 12/12/2019 21:20

After being cheated on, gas lighted and told a pack of lies, I'd HAVE to have concrete evidence of cheating so I completely understand where you are coming from on this OP. Personally if you need that to either divorce or realise you've made a mistake then do it. However even getting out of a taxi and having a meal with someone doesn't constitute an affair, he'll still try and work his way out by saying it was a meal with a friend. Unless of course you see them going into a hotel room together - which is unlikely. I'd maybe look into a private investigator and see what they recommend.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 12/12/2019 21:21

Hi OP

He has already lied to you. If he was out with a male friend he would just say 'I'm going out for a meal with Bob'. I'd guess someone he is seeing, I know men who have used prostitutes but none who have taken them out for an expensive meal first. You KNOW something is up. I wouldnt go over there. You are extremely unlikely to be able to catch him at it, they might not tell you his room number, are you really going to stake out the foyer for 12 hours or so with no toilet breaks or anything on the off chance you see him? What if his date stayed outside for a smoke or wanted to stay at a party and see him later or something?

I think your only options are to -

Accept this is what he is like, and get on with things

Finish with him on the basis he has lied to you, again.

Pay a professional to get absolute proof

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