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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I Have snooped on Husbands Email

215 replies

Whitedogwithspots · 12/12/2019 17:10

I know I have got myself into this dilemma;
Married 30 years- adult kids- all as OK as it can be
'DH' has been awful in the past- we are talking 2 discovered ( by accident texts, not the outcome of snooping) 'affairs' over past 20 years.
Got through some counselling- quite intensive stuff - and he 'rehabbed' as really wanted to get my trust etc. And we both agreed- we loved each other and wanted to move on..

Since then and for the past 2 years he has been working abroad- I go out there every 2 months and he comes here the next time- and we speak and WhatsApp daily.

He is home for Xmas but due to flights etc he is due to return to his work country on 30th December and I have asked him what his plans are for NYE. The past 2, he has spent with friends who live close to him abroad. This year they are here in UK for Xmas so my DH will be alone on NYE. He has said several times over the past 2 months he has nil planned as he is potentially working on new years day, and isn't fussed - this is believable….

SO- he was home here 3 months ago and used my laptop to log in to his email account - and he didn't log out....and....I have looked at it every few days since- I am ashamed.

Very little of interest over the past few weeks, and all quite mundane stuff. In November I saw a request for an NYE special meal package at a seriously good restaurant - requesting a table for 2...I have been taken here when I have visited. The email back from the restaurant said yes and stated the price- DH replied saying too much money and if it was reduced or they had any last minute reductions to let him know.

It is very possible that this would have been for him and a male work colleague who I know is also going to be in the country alone also and this is a guy he does go out with for evenings. I didn't overthink that.

However. I have just seen a Hotel Reservation made for NYE In a super smart expensive 5 star( where I have also been)
It states it is a King Size Room for '2 adults'

I again asked DH about NYE plans since I saw this- and again he says nothing special is planned. The Hotel is close to the 'fun' part of town with a lot of bars and tbh prostitution opportunities. And I DO suspect him as this is an issue pf the past but one I was reassured was historical and we were over it.

Do I???

Get a flight over - to arrive on NYE and book a room at the hotel and 'surprise' him?
It would be feasible as he regards the place as a treat with excellent leisure facilities and brilliant food....I could easily dress it up as being a surprise NYE treat as I was so worried he'd start the year alone.

My GUT tells me that this is a very likely arrangement made to potentially go out either with his friend and have a 'boys night' with a pre-booked hotel to take a paid for woman with him, or he has got a thing going with a regular girlfriend that he wants to treat to a night in a hotel ( which is a big step up from his company flat)

I have worked out that I could easily get the flight and I know my way around and how to get to the hotel....plan would be to call him - surprise surprise style on the evening of NYE and ask him to the hotel where he would find me.

I think it far more likely that he will have turned his phone off or actually leave it at his flat and go out. Then I wouldn't be able to get hold of him and I can see the scenario unfold where I would sit in the foyer all evening and see him arrive WITH a woman.....and I then cant actually think about what would happen next ...it wont be pretty and it WOULD end in a divorce - albeit I will be on the flight back 3 days later and he will remain in the country.

Do I meet it head on - or say nothing and stay here?
IF I mention the email and admit snooping - he WILL just lie and say it is for a friend who needed him to book it as he has a loyalty card and gets a good rate. We have stayed there 4 times over the past 18 months so this is true. BUT he has form and can lie for England.

Of course I know I have done wrong- but I cannot bear any more deceptions and I had JUST about learnt to trust him - he hasn't given me any reason to think there is anyone else in the interim but having seen this reservation, I cant stop the mind movies.

It feels like an inevitability that 2020 will get off to a bad bad start and I also know whatever happens, then I will regret it.

For the record, I do love him and I think he loves me - but there is a piece of him that is still an adulterous disrespecter despite advancing years and a renegotiated arrangement of trust and acceptance between us.

Any advice anyone....shall I go or not or just suck it up either way....

OP posts:
Original poster
Whitedogwithspots · 12/12/2019 21:22

I am hearing you all.
Because he has history and I appear to have 'settled' for less in terms of it, and having renegotiated a new way of being and trusting in the past, I feel compelled to change the game as it were.
It is almost like I need a reminder of what he is capable of to prove my point to him and to establish some dignity. I know it sounds bizarre and unhealthy, but if I don't mark the line in the sand as this being ( if it is what it does seem clear it is)the final straw, he will potentially think that he can actually continue to dupe me at a distance and simply put up with what he thinks I have put up with before. I know it sounds extreme, but it is a sort of final act I feel I have to do to make me really really declare it is over - and any doubt excluded. It just feels more 'honest' - which is ridiculous as of course snooping on emails is miles away from 'honest' . I think it will feel like a 'fair cop'. The alternative is confronting him about the email and being told lies amid accusations of being a suspicious witch and a snooper to boot. I am all those things, but I wanted to trust him and he's learnt nothing

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/12/2019 21:26

You don't take prostitutes out for dinner to expensive restaurants normally and then on to five star hotels, so yeah he's having an affair and he's going back to spend New Year's Eve with her.

Up to you how you handle it and what you honestly want to happen ,,do you want to confront him, hear his lies, pretend you believe him and then continue as is? Or do you want to see them together and end it?

Ronnie27 · 12/12/2019 21:26

I understand your need to see it but please be careful with yourself op, this sounds very tough. How are you planning to get through Christmas with him with this hanging over your head? Flowers

justilou1 · 12/12/2019 21:38

You take them out if you are a narcissist and see yourself as a “Romantic” and are wanting a girlfriend experience with a pretty young thing fawning all over you. 🤮

HundredMilesAnHour · 12/12/2019 21:40

It is almost like I need a reminder of what he is capable of to prove my point to him and to establish some dignity. I know it sounds extreme, but it is a sort of final act I feel I have to do to make me really really declare it is over - and any doubt excluded.

Divorce papers would be much more effective. Flying halfway round the world to lurk in a hotel lobby on New Year's Eve is not going to 'establish some dignity'. Instead it makes you look weak, desperate and unable to face facts.

I feel compelled to change the game as it were.

You don't change the game. The game is on his terms. The way you get your dignity back is to end the game. Get legal advice and put an end to this once and for all. DHL the divorce papers to him at his hotel if that makes you feel better.

Chattybum · 12/12/2019 21:51

I would be spending the flight money on investigating his offshore money and instructing a solicitor. A financial investigator would be my preferred kind of investigator at this stage.

Goldenchildsmum · 12/12/2019 22:01

I agree with @Chattybum

Goldenchildsmum · 12/12/2019 22:02

Greatest respect OP but you're going to
Look batshit if you turn up at the hotel

Babymamamama · 12/12/2019 22:07

Don't stalk him by flying over there. Keep your dignity by hiring a private investigator if you feel you need concrete evidence but to be honest he sounds ghastly anyway I'm not sure why you forgave him if he has such form for this kind of thing.

cosmicbabe · 12/12/2019 22:16

Suggest you just leave him and forget all the crap... Go live your life and be happy knowing you do not need this sort of bull in your life.

user1471449295 · 12/12/2019 22:20

To be honest, I would go. I would need evidence and closure. A definite line saying ‘Divorce’.
I would always be wondering, and he would always deny. I understand why you want to do this op, and I would be doing exactly the same

managinged · 12/12/2019 22:22

Whitedogwithspots, first of all, do not feel guilty or ashamed about snooping through his email. Given his past history, you are justified in feeling suspicious. If I were in your position, I would definitely snoop.

Second, do not waste all of that time, effort, and money to fly out and try to catch him in the hotel lobby with a woman on his arm. It could so easily end up as a failure and you'll end up exhausted, frustrated, and angry with yourself for wasting so much time and money on this caper.

He'll only be walking through the lobby and standing at the elevator for about 60 seconds. What if you miss him? You're not like James Bond, who always catches his man.

What if he walks through the lobby with other woman at 8:00 in the evening and you haven't gotten to the lobby yet? Then they spend the evening upstairs in the room, ordering dinner and champagne via room service, while you're down in the lobby, waiting for hours, wondering where he is.

What if he stays in the room and arranges, via text message, for a call girl to come visit him in his room? He'll tell her his room number, she'll walk through the lobby looking like a well-dressed hotel guest, and you'll never see him.

What if you decide to ask the staff to ring his room while you're standing there? They won't tell you his room number, for security reasons, so you won't be able to go upstairs and find his room to confront him.

What if he and other woman are out on the town until 2:00 in the morning and you fall asleep in the lobby? I can imagine a member of hotel staff standing over you and saying, "we've noticed you've been sitting here for several hours. Are you a guest at the hotel?"

I would just keep watching his email account over the next few weeks. If you want to wait until Christmas is over, then get through Christmas and then separate. He already has a long history of lying and betraying you. Now he's lying and keeping secrets again.

JamesBlonde1 · 12/12/2019 22:23

If you turn up on NYE I think it will be absolute awful for you, and you will be upset and distressed without anyone close to turn to.

If you do go, I would ask a close friend to go with me.

Musti · 12/12/2019 22:33

Hey lovely. If it was above board he would just tell you. The reason why it's a secret it's because he's planning on something that you wouldn't agree with. Given his history it points to there being another woman or prostitutes. He can do this very easily when his wife lives 8 hours away.

I would spend the next few weeks talking to solicitors and planning a split. You can't be happy with a person who is unfaithful and who you can't trust. It must be a nightmare always wondering what hes up to.

justilou1 · 12/12/2019 22:38

I would choose a reputable, international forensic accountant, and maybe a private investigator and charge it all to DH’s cc along with the solicitor once you have the facts you need to move ahead. Perhaps even the results from the STD clinic I’d be booking myself into ASAFP!

ChocoholicsAsylum · 12/12/2019 22:52

Why not suggest going over there so he doesnt spend it alone and if he uses the "Im working" card then say but at some point you will be together to bring it in and if the excusses come again ask about the bookings as clearly not for you after all as he would probs say to come over and downplay it till you could be suprised!

BellyButton85 · 12/12/2019 22:52

Reading this OP you've broken my heart. This is bloody cruel on you. If I'm honest, i would have to go and see it with my own eyes to remind myself always never to go back to him. Sending the best of luck in whatever you decide to do OP

Ohyesiam · 12/12/2019 22:56

The alternative is confronting him about the email and being told lies

No op, the alternative is seeing a lawyer and starting divorce proceedings. You can’t win this game, but you can step out of it.

You don’t trust him, he is obviously cheating on you. Please look after yourself x

Lozzerbmc · 12/12/2019 22:59

I understand the desire to go there on NYE and see for yourself but I think it would be quite devastating in reality and you’d be there alone with no support. Do think carefully Flowers

Pickitup · 12/12/2019 23:13

Could you "surprise" him by saying you have an additional couple of days holiday available and you would like to come and spend NYE with him + see his reaction? That might tell you enough in itself

Katrinawaves · 12/12/2019 23:16

I’m in the same shoes as you OP with a husband with a similar history and in therapy.

I can understand why you want to do this but I know if I did this when I saw them together I’d be devastated and would probably cause a scene I’d be so distressed in the moment.

I’d be inclined to print out the booking confirmations from his email account and send them to the hotel by courier to be handed to him when he checks in, with a cover letter from you saying that he’s been caught and you are starting divorce proceedings. That should cool his ardour for the evening and make it a NYE he won’t forget in a hurry - he might have been willing to fork out for a nice meal and posh hotel for his whore but half his pension pot and half his savings was probably more than he’d anticipated paying.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. x

alexafindfilms · 12/12/2019 23:27

i would fly over, go to reception, show them your MRS X id card and give them your husbands booking reservation, get yourself a key to his room, let yourself in.

katewhinesalot · 12/12/2019 23:29

Deep down you already know what he's like. You don't need proof to justify your decisions.

Sally2791 · 12/12/2019 23:38

I completely understand why you need to do this. It sounds like you’ve thought it all through. Just make sure you do some financial digging between now and then and have details of all assets. If he’s a proficient lier he’s likely to have an “incomplete “ form E . Good luck

Riv12345 · 12/12/2019 23:38

Alexafindfilms- yes I think I agree!!