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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I Have snooped on Husbands Email

215 replies

Whitedogwithspots · 12/12/2019 17:10

I know I have got myself into this dilemma;
Married 30 years- adult kids- all as OK as it can be
'DH' has been awful in the past- we are talking 2 discovered ( by accident texts, not the outcome of snooping) 'affairs' over past 20 years.
Got through some counselling- quite intensive stuff - and he 'rehabbed' as really wanted to get my trust etc. And we both agreed- we loved each other and wanted to move on..

Since then and for the past 2 years he has been working abroad- I go out there every 2 months and he comes here the next time- and we speak and WhatsApp daily.

He is home for Xmas but due to flights etc he is due to return to his work country on 30th December and I have asked him what his plans are for NYE. The past 2, he has spent with friends who live close to him abroad. This year they are here in UK for Xmas so my DH will be alone on NYE. He has said several times over the past 2 months he has nil planned as he is potentially working on new years day, and isn't fussed - this is believable….

SO- he was home here 3 months ago and used my laptop to log in to his email account - and he didn't log out....and....I have looked at it every few days since- I am ashamed.

Very little of interest over the past few weeks, and all quite mundane stuff. In November I saw a request for an NYE special meal package at a seriously good restaurant - requesting a table for 2...I have been taken here when I have visited. The email back from the restaurant said yes and stated the price- DH replied saying too much money and if it was reduced or they had any last minute reductions to let him know.

It is very possible that this would have been for him and a male work colleague who I know is also going to be in the country alone also and this is a guy he does go out with for evenings. I didn't overthink that.

However. I have just seen a Hotel Reservation made for NYE In a super smart expensive 5 star( where I have also been)
It states it is a King Size Room for '2 adults'

I again asked DH about NYE plans since I saw this- and again he says nothing special is planned. The Hotel is close to the 'fun' part of town with a lot of bars and tbh prostitution opportunities. And I DO suspect him as this is an issue pf the past but one I was reassured was historical and we were over it.

Do I???

Get a flight over - to arrive on NYE and book a room at the hotel and 'surprise' him?
It would be feasible as he regards the place as a treat with excellent leisure facilities and brilliant food....I could easily dress it up as being a surprise NYE treat as I was so worried he'd start the year alone.

My GUT tells me that this is a very likely arrangement made to potentially go out either with his friend and have a 'boys night' with a pre-booked hotel to take a paid for woman with him, or he has got a thing going with a regular girlfriend that he wants to treat to a night in a hotel ( which is a big step up from his company flat)

I have worked out that I could easily get the flight and I know my way around and how to get to the hotel....plan would be to call him - surprise surprise style on the evening of NYE and ask him to the hotel where he would find me.

I think it far more likely that he will have turned his phone off or actually leave it at his flat and go out. Then I wouldn't be able to get hold of him and I can see the scenario unfold where I would sit in the foyer all evening and see him arrive WITH a woman.....and I then cant actually think about what would happen next ...it wont be pretty and it WOULD end in a divorce - albeit I will be on the flight back 3 days later and he will remain in the country.

Do I meet it head on - or say nothing and stay here?
IF I mention the email and admit snooping - he WILL just lie and say it is for a friend who needed him to book it as he has a loyalty card and gets a good rate. We have stayed there 4 times over the past 18 months so this is true. BUT he has form and can lie for England.

Of course I know I have done wrong- but I cannot bear any more deceptions and I had JUST about learnt to trust him - he hasn't given me any reason to think there is anyone else in the interim but having seen this reservation, I cant stop the mind movies.

It feels like an inevitability that 2020 will get off to a bad bad start and I also know whatever happens, then I will regret it.

For the record, I do love him and I think he loves me - but there is a piece of him that is still an adulterous disrespecter despite advancing years and a renegotiated arrangement of trust and acceptance between us.

Any advice anyone....shall I go or not or just suck it up either way....

OP posts:
Claricethecat45 · 12/12/2019 23:46

@Katrinawaves

I like this, thank you

GreenTulips · 12/12/2019 23:57

Do you want him to know you have access to his email? This could prove invaluable in a divorce!

DianaT1969 · 12/12/2019 23:58

I'm flummoxed by this. You have been living apart for 2 years. Did you not think when he left to live abroad without you that he'd never remain faithful at that distance? Given his past behaviour and widespread prostitution there That's two years of your life OP that you aren't getting back. Don't lose any more time. Spend the £2k you would waste on flights and hotel on your future. Put it in a new pension fund or savings account. But don't sell yourself short. If someone told you that you had 3 months to live, would you really waste time and money on this? 2 years living apart, this man has his foot firmly out the door.

Charmatt · 13/12/2019 00:04

Why don't you call the hotel on NYE and ask to be put through to his room. Then you can ask him who his guest is and inform him you have the evidence. If it is a work colleague you can speak to them in the phone.

Groovinpeanut · 13/12/2019 01:25

OP get yourself an appointment at a solicitors. Explain the situation, and they can appoint an enquiry agent at a firm of solicitors where your husband is based.
I'll be honest the likelihood you do go chasing over there to catch him out, he'll not be that fussed. As you say he's got a bank account, company flat and everything covered over there. You however are going to be alone, vulnerable and upset miles away from home.
You know the truth deep down, just as you've known in the past. Did he change his ways? No.
Make all this easier on yourself

LetsPlayDarts · 13/12/2019 02:21

Can you try to do some digging on his mobile? See if you can get the answers there.

If you can't, I'd have to go. I'd need to see it with my own eyes.

Sorry you're going through this.

justilou1 · 13/12/2019 03:59

FFS, don’t give the guy ANY idea that you are remotely suspicious, or have any thoughts of divorce!!! Get your legale sorted first and get a Rottweiler solicitor!!! Get as much money out of joint accounts as you can without looking suspicious and THEN immediately transfer half once you announce your intentions. (IMMEDIATELY - as in, during that phone call!!!) I can’t stress how important this is!!!

Beautiful3 · 13/12/2019 04:18

Can you hire a private detective (based in his country) for that one evening to send you photos?

xJodiex · 13/12/2019 04:37

Yeah agree with others, better to seek legal advice in this case. Don't let him know that you know yet.

What's odd is that he didn't log out of his email? Why? And if the rest of the emails are mundane and he is seeing someone else then he probably would have a separate email, surely?

lisag1969 · 13/12/2019 04:40

It depends on the outcome you want. Do you want to go to NY and possibly End your marriage ? Or stay at home keep quiet stay married and except other women as part of your marriage ?
Only you can decide what is except able to you x

MMadness · 13/12/2019 04:43

If you need the closure, go.

Ensure you book it with an account he has no access to.

Take a friend.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/12/2019 05:10

With his track record, it’s not a surprise, I’m sure. I don’t understand how you both came to the decision to be living on different continents. If you want proof, I’d also hire a private investigator.

Countryescape · 13/12/2019 05:19

Sorry I'm reeling from the realisation you have been living apart for two years! He doesn't give a toss about you and why do you care about him? Just go to the lawyers and file for divorce. Don't waste any more money, time or mental energy on this.

ShizeItsWeegie · 13/12/2019 05:35

Honestly, just walk away now. Get organised and get out. It can't possibly hold anything for you after everything that has gone on and now this.

Fatted · 13/12/2019 06:03

Agree with what was posted OP about you can't win at this game, but you can stop playing.

If he's been out living in somewhere like Thailand for two years, then he has most likely been up to this for the entire time he has been there.

I think you need to have a long hard look at what it is you are trying to prove to yourself, to him or anyone else. Pick up your self esteem, take control of the situation and start divorce proceedings. You don't even need to tell him about the emails, just that you have had enough of being apart. Personally, I would be keeping the access to emails very close to my chest to assist with the divorce.

CupoTeap · 13/12/2019 06:23

And if you dont catch him arriving with a women then what?

You don't need any further evidence, you don't need anything else to happen. Make the decision yourself to leave him rather than an excuse of catching him doing something. If you don't catch him this time you will still be in the same position you are now. That's no way to live.

Savingforarainyday · 13/12/2019 06:36

OP
What if he sees you?
Honestly, if you need proof, hire someone to get it for you.

But ask yourself this: how reassured would you really be if he decided to stay home at NYs?
Would you then trust him? Of would you just be waiting for the next time?

RantyAnty · 13/12/2019 07:00

If I were to go, I would get a key to his fancy room and wait there.
The bad thing about going is you'll be by yourself and to catch him out and them be alone and make that trip back would be hard. I don't know if you have a bestie who could go with you?

If it's the SEA country I'm thinking of it's likely some golddigging ho got her hooks in him. It's interesting out of all the places to do business he would choose a place like that but since he's a cheater, it would make sense.

It would be good if you could get a PI over there but it would have to be through word of mouth since scamming is a way of life for quite a few there.

Him being gone so much, you don't have much of a marriage anyway. He really doesn't have to live abroad. He chooses to.

I would get legal advice first thing and find out all you can about his assets.

If you decide not to go, you can make sure everything is right for you and start living a new life for yourself and file when you're ready.

Claphands · 13/12/2019 07:02

If you go there and catch him with another woman (or man!) then that’s all you’ll know-if you spend that money on a PI then you’ll find out much more, why not do that and plan to leave just before your big birthday when you’ve had chance to see a solicitor and arrange finances and ascertain what he actually owns abroad/here etc? That gives you more power

dottydolly72 · 13/12/2019 07:09

@Whitedogwithspots I totally get it.. you go and get your f2f showdown and then leave for a nice week somewhere to gather your thoughts and go completely silent. This was the one thing my H hated most.. not knowing my next move, where I was or what was coming next. It suited him to have that control over me and for years he did .. along with all his lies! Take back control and pull them big girls pants up tight.

annielouise · 13/12/2019 10:26

I think get Christmas out the way, don't say anything. Then just before he returns to wherever on the 29th or 30th tell him you know he's booked a hotel/restaurant for new year and you want to split.

Just say you don't care about the excuses, it's for someone else etc, as you've heard it all before and can't live like this, without trust.

I think if you're matter of fact about it and show you're not prepared to 'fight' for him and willing to paper over the cracks again that he'll be a bit miffed.

itcamefrombeckyvardyself · 13/12/2019 10:31

In terms of Divorce, am I right in saying that even if he is having an affair it won't make any difference to the settlement?

If you do go op, get all your financial records and copies in place before you go as if I'm right about the above nor making a difference then catching him will be for your peace of mind not for anything else.

You want to walk away from this with what you are entitled to and having all that information is really important for you to have to ensure you do.

A poster said booking a week away after it (if you do go to confront him) is a really good idea. To get your head round it if it does come to that.

Hotseat · 13/12/2019 14:04

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would go, book hotel and possibly restaurant too. I wouldn't bother confronting him. If your suspicions are correct then let him see you there. If you can hold it together, just walk away. Charge the most expensive meal, drinks etc for yourself to his room. I too would have to know. Can you busy yourself over Christmas period to spend less time together?

eenymeenyminyme · 13/12/2019 14:24

A few years ago, my ExH booked a hotel room in secret. He asked for a romantic room, and parking for a car and a motorbike.

There was a 1% chance it was for me and 99% that it was for the girl he'd been denying anything with for months.

I thought about going to surprise them and was urged to do so by many Mumsnetters, but instead I sent flowers to the hotel with a note saying it was over. It did the trick and I had proof, but also kept my dignity.

Maybe something along these lines would work for you?

itcamefrombeckyvardyself · 13/12/2019 14:40

I think i remember your post Eennie.

Hope your doing much better now