I Have snooped on Husbands Email

[Whitedogwithspots]

I know I have got myself into this dilemma;
Married 30 years- adult kids- all as OK as it can be
'DH' has been awful in the past- we are talking 2 discovered ( by accident texts, not the outcome of snooping) 'affairs' over past 20 years.
Got through some counselling- quite intensive stuff - and he 'rehabbed' as really wanted to get my trust etc. And we both agreed- we loved each other and wanted to move on..

Since then and for the past 2 years he has been working abroad- I go out there every 2 months and he comes here the next time- and we speak and WhatsApp daily.

He is home for Xmas but due to flights etc he is due to return to his work country on 30th December and I have asked him what his plans are for NYE. The past 2, he has spent with friends who live close to him abroad. This year they are here in UK for Xmas so my DH will be alone on NYE. He has said several times over the past 2 months he has nil planned as he is potentially working on new years day, and isn't fussed - this is believable….

SO- he was home here 3 months ago and used my laptop to log in to his email account - and he didn't log out....and....I have looked at it every few days since- I am ashamed.

Very little of interest over the past few weeks, and all quite mundane stuff. In November I saw a request for an NYE special meal package at a seriously good restaurant - requesting a table for 2...I have been taken here when I have visited. The email back from the restaurant said yes and stated the price- DH replied saying too much money and if it was reduced or they had any last minute reductions to let him know.

It is very possible that this would have been for him and a male work colleague who I know is also going to be in the country alone also and this is a guy he does go out with for evenings. I didn't overthink that.

However. I have just seen a Hotel Reservation made for NYE In a super smart expensive 5 star( where I have also been)
It states it is a King Size Room for '2 adults'

I again asked DH about NYE plans since I saw this- and again he says nothing special is planned. The Hotel is close to the 'fun' part of town with a lot of bars and tbh prostitution opportunities. And I DO suspect him as this is an issue pf the past but one I was reassured was historical and we were over it.

Do I???

Get a flight over - to arrive on NYE and book a room at the hotel and 'surprise' him?
It would be feasible as he regards the place as a treat with excellent leisure facilities and brilliant food....I could easily dress it up as being a surprise NYE treat as I was so worried he'd start the year alone.

My GUT tells me that this is a very likely arrangement made to potentially go out either with his friend and have a 'boys night' with a pre-booked hotel to take a paid for woman with him, or he has got a thing going with a regular girlfriend that he wants to treat to a night in a hotel ( which is a big step up from his company flat)

I have worked out that I could easily get the flight and I know my way around and how to get to the hotel....plan would be to call him - surprise surprise style on the evening of NYE and ask him to the hotel where he would find me.

I think it far more likely that he will have turned his phone off or actually leave it at his flat and go out. Then I wouldn't be able to get hold of him and I can see the scenario unfold where I would sit in the foyer all evening and see him arrive WITH a woman.....and I then cant actually think about what would happen next ...it wont be pretty and it WOULD end in a divorce - albeit I will be on the flight back 3 days later and he will remain in the country.

Do I meet it head on - or say nothing and stay here?
IF I mention the email and admit snooping - he WILL just lie and say it is for a friend who needed him to book it as he has a loyalty card and gets a good rate. We have stayed there 4 times over the past 18 months so this is true. BUT he has form and can lie for England.

Of course I know I have done wrong- but I cannot bear any more deceptions and I had JUST about learnt to trust him - he hasn't given me any reason to think there is anyone else in the interim but having seen this reservation, I cant stop the mind movies.

It feels like an inevitability that 2020 will get off to a bad bad start and I also know whatever happens, then I will regret it.

For the record, I do love him and I think he loves me - but there is a piece of him that is still an adulterous disrespecter despite advancing years and a renegotiated arrangement of trust and acceptance between us.

Any advice anyone....shall I go or not or just suck it up either way....

Him not me. Stupid phone.

I wouldnt go either.
Sabotage his plans as sneakily and last minute as possible and get your ducks in a row.
In the unlikely event hes not up to anything dodgy, he just doesn't sound trustworthy and it's ok for you to bow out of this marriage without catching him first hand.
And I'm sorry. Plan some nice stuff with friends if you can.

I understand what PP’s mean re making it about OP’s personal reasons but if I were OP I would want him to know I know.

I think the idea of sending flowers to the hotel room asking for a divorce is a good one. He knows you’ve caught him in the act and you ruin his night. Cancelling the plans won’t really achieve that he will just be baffled but go somewhere else.

Thanks all- I am still undecided
I am however looking into a Private Detective to photo etc - it is sure not cheap but I do have a friend who has recommended one so I hope its worth the money
I have to get through Xmas now
He is already on a charm offensive and I collect from airport tomorrow
it will be a very strained Xmas and I will have to harden myself to his lies

Good Luck OP

Sounds like it could be a tough time this Christmas! Maybe do some more digging if you can.. a quick look at his passport stamps could be useful and a hand sweep of his suitcase (appreciate this sounds nuts) but I have blonde hair and found lots of long black hairs and my husband is grey! Play nicely for now.. the investigator sounds expensive but could save you your tears and sanity!

CatalogueUniverse has it right.
Seriously you only get one life. You are choosing to spend it like this.

Do you enjoy the drama of it?
You need to be honest with yourself.

What did you decide to do?

Hope your okay op

All, I can share my update and though it may sound as if I am calm and replete - I am not and absolutely paralysed just at the moment with a sensation like grief but SO much anger.

Ok - So I DID go.
I flew out one flight behind him.
In a nutshell, I did exactly as I had planned and HE did everything as I suspected including trying to avert me from calling him at midnight , his time, and telling me he was going to bed early after a long flight and he would call at midnight, my time....after which his night of lust would be done.

I said nothing other on WhatsApp aside from to 'expect a surprise'

I checked in to Hotel. Went to my room and changed.
I went down to the reception area and expected to see Husband arrive to check in - this is the only bit I got wrong.
He had already checked in directly from airport earlier at so he didn't need to stand at the reception desk to do this ( and where I would be able to see him) It was - at it was NYE - thronging with people and a lot of glitz and music.

Then I saw him.
He was leaving the hotel, girl scuttling behind him. Young, mini skirted, swishy long hair etc....they were gone in a flash and out of the door.

I sat in the reception - on and off all evening well out of sight.
At just before midnight - he called me but from his UK phone as his other phone was still sat in his flat with location services on to make it look like he was home.

I didn't answer it. I called a friend at home and she called the hotel to ask to speak to Mr X- they put her through and he answered! She put the phone down and called me.
I went straight to reception- asked for the Manager and told him the bare bones of the story- he was very good
He gave me the room number
I went to the room, hammered on the door, and he answered. Girl was in the bed. Husband tried to stop me going in but I pushed past him. I told her to leave - Husband was silent. Girl left.

I asked him to come to the room I had booked
. I told him all of this was a surprise treat for him BUT that I had seen him earlier that evening leaving for dinner. Transpires he came back to the room NOT by reception but by the pool bar which has separate access so I didn't see him.

The story- hes been seeing her for 18 months. Paying her for sex once a week- always at his flat and not hotels.
She has even been out for walks etc with him and he explained that it was she who took the photos on FB that he occasionally posted, of him alone, but he always said a passer by had taken them.

Basically she was a prostitute who also provided company when he was lonely at weekends.

She is 30, he is 57. She leaves for Thailand her home on 26th Jan and he had promised her a night at a nice hotel and a smart dinner before she left

I told him of my feelings and that we needed to end it. He was upset and begged me to try again.

I wont

I stayed with a friend on NYD and flew back yesterday.

My STBX is now aware he will hear from lawyer as soon as I get the paperwork sorted and he accepts this but is begging me to reconsider.

I wont BUT I am 100% traumatised by the whole thing but I am pleased I found out.

Can anyone help with a support group specifically for cheated on by partners who use sex workers as it is a specific misery and one I struggle with?

Feeling numb and wounded but not surprised
Thanks all

I can’t even begin to offer you names of organisations or support services to help in this situation but I couldn’t read this update and not post to tell you how terribly sad I am to read this!

Good god love, you poor thing! All I can suggest is that you just breathe, take each day as it comes and allow the emotions and feelings that come to come as they need to, allow yourself to process them and then move onward

I am so very sorry ((((hug))))

Do you have friends around you?

Take a day at a time, solicitor, and I’d also suggest a trip to get tested for STI’s

You were incredibly brave to do what you did and even though you were 99.9% sure of what you would find, of course seeing it with your own eyes must have been horrific for you and will feel like a complete sucker punch to the guts.

I am not aware of any support groups to recommend where there's been cheating with sex workers but can only say just to take it all a day at a time and to give yourself the time and space you need to grieve your loss.

@Whitedogwithspots, you are amazing. Most of the rest of us are not worthy. What a sting!

There’s a group of us on ‘Some Friendly Words It’s Over - Part 2’ providing support to each other although circumstances are not the same as yours. However chumplady a US site with UK contributors, does cover chumps where cheaters have used sex workers:
www.chumplady.com/

You will find helpful advice there. Look at the archives.
See

Gosh you're amazing! You totally kicked ass.

Sorry with what has happened, however I wish you all the best in the future! Something tells me you're going to be just fine :-)

Oh op - this is earth shatteringly horrific for you. But...you now know for sure. The worst thing sometimes they can do to us is to not just fuckking tell us the truth, leaving us to wonder and wonder and wonder for sometimes year on year on year. And this is how we HAVE to find out, by snooping ourselves, by going there, by doing the detective work our fucking selves because they are too fuckingly cowardly to just endit with us (because they LOVE having their cake and eating all of it).
Fucking cowardly fucking arseholes. I'm so, so sorry op.

My STBX is now aware he will hear from lawyer as soon as I get the paperwork sorted and he accepts this but is begging me to reconsider

Because he wants to keep as much monetary assets as possible. It's nothing to do with the wife. It's the man's own typical fucking greed and ego, as per fucking usual. Don't let him have his way, op. They never change.

I'm so sorry o/p

I'm so sorry. How awful for you. I would ha e done the same. I've been gaslighted and lied to before and it makes you feel insane.

And you got your closure, I don't think you'll ever regret it.

That's called having your cake and eating it.! Well done, how you held it together I'll never know. Keep strong and get everything you can and more.. he can keep his cheap tart and you can keep your dignity my lovely xx

I would not wish to be in a relationship with someone whom I did not trust.

He has had affairs in the past and lives and works away from where you are.

I honestly think that the likelihood of him remaining faithful is very small. Sorry.

So sorry too,your a very brave woman & glad you found out the truth. Make 2020 your fresh start x

So sorry OP but at least you know the unequivocal truth of the matter and he can't gaslight you or claim innocence.

It may take time to come to terms with everything but resolve that 2020 is YOUR year when you are calling the shots. Chin up

Gosh, how brave you are! Hold your head high...you are amazing, strong & resilient. If you can do this, you can do anything. Of course you are shocked, traumatised & sad. You will get through this & he looks a stupid fool.