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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I Have snooped on Husbands Email

215 replies

Whitedogwithspots · 12/12/2019 17:10

I know I have got myself into this dilemma;
Married 30 years- adult kids- all as OK as it can be
'DH' has been awful in the past- we are talking 2 discovered ( by accident texts, not the outcome of snooping) 'affairs' over past 20 years.
Got through some counselling- quite intensive stuff - and he 'rehabbed' as really wanted to get my trust etc. And we both agreed- we loved each other and wanted to move on..

Since then and for the past 2 years he has been working abroad- I go out there every 2 months and he comes here the next time- and we speak and WhatsApp daily.

He is home for Xmas but due to flights etc he is due to return to his work country on 30th December and I have asked him what his plans are for NYE. The past 2, he has spent with friends who live close to him abroad. This year they are here in UK for Xmas so my DH will be alone on NYE. He has said several times over the past 2 months he has nil planned as he is potentially working on new years day, and isn't fussed - this is believable….

SO- he was home here 3 months ago and used my laptop to log in to his email account - and he didn't log out....and....I have looked at it every few days since- I am ashamed.

Very little of interest over the past few weeks, and all quite mundane stuff. In November I saw a request for an NYE special meal package at a seriously good restaurant - requesting a table for 2...I have been taken here when I have visited. The email back from the restaurant said yes and stated the price- DH replied saying too much money and if it was reduced or they had any last minute reductions to let him know.

It is very possible that this would have been for him and a male work colleague who I know is also going to be in the country alone also and this is a guy he does go out with for evenings. I didn't overthink that.

However. I have just seen a Hotel Reservation made for NYE In a super smart expensive 5 star( where I have also been)
It states it is a King Size Room for '2 adults'

I again asked DH about NYE plans since I saw this- and again he says nothing special is planned. The Hotel is close to the 'fun' part of town with a lot of bars and tbh prostitution opportunities. And I DO suspect him as this is an issue pf the past but one I was reassured was historical and we were over it.

Do I???

Get a flight over - to arrive on NYE and book a room at the hotel and 'surprise' him?
It would be feasible as he regards the place as a treat with excellent leisure facilities and brilliant food....I could easily dress it up as being a surprise NYE treat as I was so worried he'd start the year alone.

My GUT tells me that this is a very likely arrangement made to potentially go out either with his friend and have a 'boys night' with a pre-booked hotel to take a paid for woman with him, or he has got a thing going with a regular girlfriend that he wants to treat to a night in a hotel ( which is a big step up from his company flat)

I have worked out that I could easily get the flight and I know my way around and how to get to the hotel....plan would be to call him - surprise surprise style on the evening of NYE and ask him to the hotel where he would find me.

I think it far more likely that he will have turned his phone off or actually leave it at his flat and go out. Then I wouldn't be able to get hold of him and I can see the scenario unfold where I would sit in the foyer all evening and see him arrive WITH a woman.....and I then cant actually think about what would happen next ...it wont be pretty and it WOULD end in a divorce - albeit I will be on the flight back 3 days later and he will remain in the country.

Do I meet it head on - or say nothing and stay here?
IF I mention the email and admit snooping - he WILL just lie and say it is for a friend who needed him to book it as he has a loyalty card and gets a good rate. We have stayed there 4 times over the past 18 months so this is true. BUT he has form and can lie for England.

Of course I know I have done wrong- but I cannot bear any more deceptions and I had JUST about learnt to trust him - he hasn't given me any reason to think there is anyone else in the interim but having seen this reservation, I cant stop the mind movies.

It feels like an inevitability that 2020 will get off to a bad bad start and I also know whatever happens, then I will regret it.

For the record, I do love him and I think he loves me - but there is a piece of him that is still an adulterous disrespecter despite advancing years and a renegotiated arrangement of trust and acceptance between us.

Any advice anyone....shall I go or not or just suck it up either way....

OP posts:
eenymeenyminyme · 13/12/2019 14:44

I think i remember your post Eennie
Hope your doing much better now

I really am, thank you. I've learned that the only person I can really trust is myself and that's absolutely fine Smile

itcamefrombeckyvardyself · 13/12/2019 14:48

Twats aren't they.

Glad things have worked out for you!

Halestorm · 13/12/2019 14:56

I like Eennie's approach if you are going to confront him at all. Send a bouquet of flowers with something like "Happy new year, may it bring all that you deserve" signed with your name. Turn all phones off for the evening and have a good solicitor and forensic accountant lined up.

You don't need proof that stands up in court. You just need to decide that you don't need to live with this kind of relationship any more. He did this before and you gave him a second chance, now you've found him up to something dodgy again, so why bother going through hell trying to sift through proof and layers of lies and doubt? It's enough to say that you know what, you don't want this kind of life. And make a new years resolution to make 2020 the year you know real peace of mind.

81Byerley · 13/12/2019 15:26

You don't trust him. This isn't a relationship worth having. Just tell him you want a divorce. Anyway, if he is being unfaithful, that's far worse than snooping in his email....to which he has given you access!

allthesharks · 13/12/2019 15:39

This wouldn't give you the proof you're looking for, but as you have the confirmation email I would cancel the hotel room. Check their cancellation policy and if they will give a refund if it's done 7 days before, wait until you're within those 7 days so he won't see a refund come in. I'd also do similar with the restaurant. I know you said that he hasn't booked as it was too expensive, but closer to the time it might be worth phoning them to see if he does have a booking there and then cancel it if he does. As I say, none of this will give you your proof but it will ruin his night.

angell84 · 13/12/2019 16:12

I would probably do the same thing . I would want to know.

HappyDinosaur · 13/12/2019 16:27

I'd be tempted to do the same as @allthesharks You deserve better, this man is not someone you should waste any more of your life on.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 13/12/2019 16:34

OP - don't waste your money.

Just ask yourself if this is really the sort of marriage you'd dreamed about when you were little.

If you go over there, and it goes wrong somehow (he's booked the room for a friend), how will you explain things?

A marriage where you're considering a course of action like this (and where you are still understandably distrusting of your DH) is not a healthy one.

You can leave a marriage because you want to. That's enough of a reason.

If he's as much of a liar as you say he is, even if you caught him inside a prostitute, he'll lie and minimise to everyone anyway.

Channel your efforts and energy positively into making your own life and situation better.

xx
Flowers

Weenurse · 13/12/2019 23:00

💐☕️

MrsTumbletap · 14/12/2019 09:37

I would be so tempted to do the same OP, to see the look on his face, to get that validation you are not crazy. I would do the same, not saying it's the right thing to do but I totally would.

My mum did similar when she discovered my dad was cheating many years ago, she confronted them and hit the woman. She was always proud of that, probably not the best way to go about it but I can imagine the raw emotion she was feeling.

Will you be able to keep you cool and not lash out, cry, wail etc? As I think your response if you do catch them will be important. You will be filled with nervous adrenaline so your reaction may surprise you.

Stressedout10 · 14/12/2019 10:09

I would get copies of everything and file for divorce now and hand him the papers on nye

Aisforharlot · 14/12/2019 10:38

To contradict a previous poster, men absolutely do take prostitutes to posh restaurants and on to 5* hotels. In fact, he may be able to compartmentalise better that way - it’s not a ‘real’ affair if he’s paying her.

Mermaidsinthesand · 14/12/2019 10:47

I'd go there, who cares if it's in the middle east he shouldn't cheat.

Cant end a marriage on just an email, you need to see the cold hard truth in light of day to be sure in yourself that ending is the right thing to do. Will always wonder what IF otherwise

bluebell34567 · 14/12/2019 10:49

unless you catch him in the same bed with a woman he will try to get away with it.

JustASmallTownCurl · 14/12/2019 11:04

Agree with PP unless you literally walk in on them mid shag he will deny this until he's blue in the face and be incredulous you could even suggest such a thing...

I'm torn because it should be enough that he's clearly an arsehole in general and has been in the past, but I also understand the need for concrete proof.

It's not even so you know you've done the right thing (I knew I had) it was more so he couldn't say I was mental. You poor thing Thanks

Weenurse · 15/12/2019 05:33

What have you decided?

TatianaLarina · 15/12/2019 07:43

OP if you ‘surprise’ them when she’s not there the whole trip is wasted.

This is not a sane idea.

mrcow · 15/12/2019 13:15

Sorry I’m horrible - but I’d just call them, say you’re his wife and cancel both the room and the table.

IncrediblySadToo · 15/12/2019 14:46

I wouldn’t blame you for going, not one bit
BUT

The question I think you need to ask yourself is this... Even if this turned out to be booked for you or for his friend or whatever...100% innocent... do you want be still be married to him? From all you have said, I don’t think he’s good enough for you (even without the NY thing) decide that first because if the answer is no then you don’t need to go. You can just leave him
Because you’re unhappy.

If the answer is yes, (not sure why it would be to be honest, but I’m not you and I’ve done my fair share of clinging onto relationships that should have been laid to rest!! ) Then that’s a different story & I think you are just going to have to accept he cheats on you.

Only if you REALLY still want to be with him if he’s not cheating this time and you can live with not trusting him, but would leave if you knew for certain he was having an affair/hiring a prostitute for NY is it worth even contemplating going.

So, ask yourself, do you REALLY want the relationship you had before you found the bookings for NYE??

I’d be curious to know how him working away came about & where it is he’s working.

IncrediblySadToo · 15/12/2019 15:29

Whilst I think cancelling the bookings or whatever other way of letting him know you know sounds appealing, personally I’d rather maintain access to his emails!! You could learn a lot through that IG you decide to divorce him. It’s worth a lot more than a momentary sense of ‘fuck you’. All the while he thinks you don’t know you have the advantage... it’ll be far easier to get the paperwork together that you need, see a solicitor, get plans in place etc.

LyingWitchlnTheWardrobe · 15/12/2019 15:29

I'm really sorry for you, Clarice, it sounds horrendous.

I wouldn't go ahead with your proposed plan to surprise him. You will be alone in a country you don't know, with no immediate exit flight, and you have no idea how you will actually feel should you see your husband alight from a taxi with a woman. That in itself would't be proof so you'd have to hang around and watch. How would that feel?

You might be strong, you might crumble... you wouldn't know until that point.

He might be devastated at being found out, he might quickly assess his options and walk away with the woman as there's nothing he could do or say to excuse himself. How would you feel?

It's really easy for posters to cheerlead you but they're not living your life and aren't you.

What outcome do you genuinely want for yourself? Do you feel able to put up with your husband's ongoing cheating? You know deep down that he is because if it were a nice treat, he'd tell you so you know what to pack - and he wouldn't say 'it's too expensive'.

It's not for you.

CatalogueUniverse · 15/12/2019 15:38

Chasing halfway round the world for a confrontation is not taking back your power. It’s letting him drive you to do extreme things and there is little ability to be dignified after you’ve already done something extreme.

What do you want that’s possible? He’s a serial cheat. You either live with that in as dignified way as possible or you end it. He’s not going to stop being a cheater.

I think you should stop thinking about him and start thinking about you.

CatalogueUniverse · 15/12/2019 15:43

Also wouldn’t it be a rather delicious take back of power to say I am filing for divorce because I have a future I want that doesn’t have you in it? Rather than all the reasons being about him? Anything that is to do with him gives him input and power. Take it away.

LyingWitchlnTheWardrobe · 15/12/2019 15:47

Absoluetely, CatalogueUniverse, it needs to be all about Clarice, her future and best interests.

CatalogueUniverse · 15/12/2019 15:56

It might be a good idea to look into the freedom program and/or counselling. You have spent 30 years in this relationship, unpicking it with help would be a good thing to do for you.

I doubt very much that he was rehabilitated by counselling. Serial cheats have an addiction. He might have managed to temporarily desist but it’s more likely he just got better at hiding it. Working thousands of miles away will have made me more careless again.