Is living together enough commitment?

[Fairylights88]

Hello mumsnet,
I am looking for some honest opinions about my situation.

I've been with my partner for 2.5 years, we moved in last year and sometimes it's been amazing and other times I've been quite down.

I thought at this point we would be engaged and a bit more on the same page however I don't feel this is imminent and it gets me down. He does sometimes say he will propose so it feels mixed messages.

He was engaged to his ex and says he's not ready to propose because of his past break up. I have tried to be understanding about this but internally its really upset me.

Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to be over his last break up and wanting to be married?
Or is living with my bf enough commitment and I shouldn't push it?

Thanks

OP also remember that engagement isnt marriage. Being engaged gives you no legal rights. Be wary, if he suddenly proposes to you in the next few months or over xmas, he will be shutting you up. Engagement means nothing and he knows it, so he will probably use it as his next gambit.

You do need to stop telling him what you're thinking. Dont give him a head start on you love. You could find yourself kicked to the curb before you're ready. Just something to think about x

Hello, thank you for all your feedback. Its hit home especially as its nearly Christmas and there is no sign of a ring or spending it together.
Both our family backgrounds aren't great and what you might call dysfunction and he genuinely doesn't understand why I would want to bother with his family. He's actually trying to protect me when he says stay at home.
I think however he is happy to be boyfriend and girlfriend with no other commitments. We go on holiday, we talk about having kids but realistically I don't feel like a team with him.
I have struggled for a long time and feel I can't tell anyone so I put on a facade and pretend to everyone we are happy.
He isn't particularly engaged ie when it comes to affection.
We don't go to bed at the same time and I feel he'd prefer to watch TV late at night then get into a routine with me.
I think his ex fiancé allowed him to do what he wanted and she just had her own life.
What I don't get is why he proposed and they were due to be married. I don't know why or how he got to that commitment point with her. I keep going over and over it in my head.

Today has been rough, I think I need to at least confront him. We have had blazing rows about this before but he always talks me round.

The tough part is I want marriage and kids and will have to start all over again. I know that doesn't sound logical but emotionally I've invested so much and I wanted it to work especially as he left his ex for me.

Thank you so much for taking the time to give me your opinions. It's probably infuriating to read my stupid situation

How do you mean you “want it to work especially as he left his ex for me”? Do you feel responsible for that?

Have people already talked about the sunken cost fallacy? As that’s exactly what you’re doing.

You’re 29, plenty of time to start over. Otherwise in ten years you’ll be in the place you are now wishing you had.

You need to stop fixating on why he got engaged to his last girlfriend. So what? He didn't treat her well and he isn't treating you well. He cheated on her and dumped her, so the 'fiancé' status meant nothing anyway.

How do you think he will react when you tell him you won't pay towards his mortgage any more? I think this is the most pressing issue as he is abusing your financial goodwill; every month you pay him, you have less money towards a deposit for your own place.

Op, can I just ask this: What do you want to achieve, what's the ideal outcome of a chat with him about this?

What are you hoping will happen here?

Also: What I don't get is why he proposed and they were due to be married. I don't know why or how he got to that commitment point with her

He didnt get to any commitment point with her though?

Again, he did what hes doing with you. Throw some words at her, keep her sweet, then when he gets bored it's easy to chuck her and move on to the next woman.

He may very well propose to you soon and set a date with you. And then chuck you. Like he did with her.

Neither you nor her are special in his eyes op... hes treated you both quite similarly.

Possibly he won't propose to you because when he did it last time, it was stickier to get out of and he just wants it to be easier this time. That could be it really.

Why do you want to marry this guy?
What is so special about him? Honest question??

Maybe the engagement was what was needed to get the house deposit from the ex (or her family). It certainly wasn't a binding commitment for him because he moved onto you (with some overlap?) and he was very focused on keeping the house when he did it.

You don't need to do anything more than keep giving him mortgage money so there's less need. Out of interest, how long did it take you to move in and who's idea was it,?

I really feel for you but I suspect he's not going to be changing his ways any time soon.

@Fairylights88 google sunken cost fallacy. You won't get what you want from him. So there is only more time lost if you stick this out. Just think, next Christmas you could be happy and loved. With someone who wants what you want in life.

He didn't commit to his ex. He cheated on her and left her.

He isn't thinking of you over Christmas. Thinking of you would be agreeing your plans together. I had Christmas with my ex once we started living together. We had some that were just us. And some with either of our families.

I don't think this is about a ring. This is a selfish man ego isn't in the same page as you. And isn't making you happy.

None of this is good.

You have had some excellent advice on here OP. And everyone is generally in agreement. My initial though was well why don’t you propose to him if you are so bothered, but then I realised if cornered he would probably accept and then stall the actual wedding indefinitely. So don’t do that.

Looking at this situation completely impartiality and from a legal point of view (because marriage is first and foremost a LEGAL and not romantic arrangement), why would he want to get married? He has a property. Two scenarios: either your relationship lasts, in which case he is no worse off with the added bonus of you contributing financially etc, or your relationship does not last, in which case he still has his house and could probably replace you.

The Christmas thing is shitty as well, he is NOT saying that to protect you. If his family are so messed up why is he going to see them? If he absolutely has to see them, he could visit for a couple of hours but spend the rest of day with you. Even if they are not local you could go to a hotel etc. So please don’t kid yourself that he is protecting you here.

Think yourself VERY lucky that you are not trapped. No kids, no joint mortgage and even no shared rental contract etc. Walk away. Buying your own place would be worth considering, it’s amazing how different I feel about relationships since I bought a place of my own!

I think 2.5 years is too soon. How can you truly know someone enough to commit to them? I can see his point

We have been trying for a baby but I really think that is a bad idea

Yes! It is!

Look, this is not ‘the one’ in terms of relationship. You have ‘settled’, and in your desperation you are now trying to force him to ‘propose’. Any relationship where a blazing row is part of the process to persuade a partner to be committed has failed before it started.

@NameChangeNugget

I think 2.5 years is too soon. How can you truly know someone enough to commit to them? I can see his point

Ridiculous ! Don't you read all these threads about women who still don't know their Hs after 20 plus years of marriage ? Life is a gamble .

emotionally I've invested so much

Throwing more of your life away won't get that back.

29 is so bloody young! You don't have to repeat the dysfunction you may have grown up in.

Be honest with yourself, is your desire to "confront" him because you want him to manipulate you into staying?

Because if you meant what you said about moving forward and starting afresh you'd have no need for further input from him.

@TheStuffedPenguin

Why ridiculous?

If ever I split up with DH, I’d not remarry after 2.5 years putting my assets and child’s inheritance at risk. That would be the ridiculous thing to do.

FFS! QUIT fixating on getting 'engaged'. It means FA. Don't have a kid with this prat. What Graphista and Attila said. You're TWENTY-NINE, not 39. Sunken costs. This guy's a cheating, future faking user. He knows EXACTLY what he is doing. How convenient for him - half his mortgage paid with no strings attached, her indoors, sex on tap and no commitment. He's sitting pretty!

He's future faking. There will be no marriage. Any 'engagement' is a sham.

He will never change. He's FORTY, FFS.

Find another place to live. And then walk out. FUCK talking to him.

I can think of one very sound practical reason why someone may not want their partner of 2.5 years to meet their family. No doubt the family knew the ex and might, just might, offer a different take on the history of that relationship. Could it be that he's "sparing you" from (a version of) the truth?

Of course they could also be quite unpleasant, but as someone already pointed out, would a man really voluntarily spend a whole day with people he doesn't dare to introduce his partner to?

OP this man is a terrible user. You are risking ruining your future by staying with him. He is using you to pay his mortgage but not giving you any financial security. He makes fun of your needs by calling you wifey - he leaves you alone at Christmas. He sounds more like an enemy than a partner. For goodness sake leave him and find someone nice, not a facking old fucker.

He got engaged to her, but that really isn't a victory for her that you have to 'win' to feel you're equal/better in his eyes. Wanting to 'win' isn't going to get you anything when the bloke's a wrong'un anyway. It'd be a pyrrhic victory.

'He said they were unhappy and he didn't want to lose the house or dog to her. He said it wasn't working out and I tried to be understanding.'

'My wife doesn't understand me.'

29 is a really sensible age to leave someone if they are not right. I did it myself! I then bought a flat on my own, and got myself in a space where when I was able to hold out for my Mr Right on my own terms, with some experience behind me to inform my choices. You could do all of this by the sounds of it.

If you wait a few years into your 30s, it gets very stressful if you do want kids (I had a few friends in this position).It can work out fine, but the pressure starts dialling up. It just isn't fun having to stay calm about finding the right bloke when you feel your fertility changes are worsening.

I'm saying this because I would actually not let this situation go on very long if I were you

Leave. Go.

I met the love of my life at 30. If I'd married the dickhead I was with when I was 29 I'd have given myself a miserable existence and probably have fucked up kids.
Now I'm with someone amazing, he's the best dad I've met and I have the home life I always dreamed I'd have.
You don't have that and won't have that with him. And as long as you are with him, you wont meet the man that wants to give you all that and more.
Use Christmas to pack up and leave. And don't fall for a ring if he panics and gets you one when you've left. His ex will tell you that's no commitment.

He doesn't want marriage or even any real commitment with you OP. And you shouldn't do either of those things with him, even if he does propose now. The good thing about not having any legal or financial ties, essentially just being a housemate he was shagging, is you can just walk away. I would. You're getting nothing out of this.