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Original poster

Is living together enough commitment?

172 replies

Fairylights88 · 10/12/2019 19:15

Hello mumsnet,
I am looking for some honest opinions about my situation.

I've been with my partner for 2.5 years, we moved in last year and sometimes it's been amazing and other times I've been quite down.

I thought at this point we would be engaged and a bit more on the same page however I don't feel this is imminent and it gets me down. He does sometimes say he will propose so it feels mixed messages.

He was engaged to his ex and says he's not ready to propose because of his past break up. I have tried to be understanding about this but internally its really upset me.

Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to be over his last break up and wanting to be married?
Or is living with my bf enough commitment and I shouldn't push it?

Thanks

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 10/12/2019 19:23

It is totally reasonable to want to be married.

If he does not want to marry, that's a perfectly valid decision. You then need to decide if it is a deal breaker.

Blowing hot and cold - eg making enough of the right noises to keep you on the hook - is shitty and manipulative.

Being unavailable (because still not fully over ex) is not a good sign.

Are you renting together? Or have you bought.

(BTW: do not get pregnant, unless you are financially independent, could cope with single parenthood and are happy with the idea of minimal maternity leave. If he's not sure about you, he'll be even less sure about you plus one)

Aussiebean · 10/12/2019 19:24

You are not unreasonable to want what you want.

You just have to work out if he is the right person to give you what you want.

SexlessBoulderBelly · 10/12/2019 19:29

I’ve been with my OH coming up to 6 years now and he’s the same, highs about buying rings and proposing... it’s never happened. We bought a house together 2 years ago and we have our first little one on the way. I have put my foot down now and said it’s not just me that wants marriage now it would be a necessity for our little ones security too. Although I have a good career and if the worst were to happen I don’t need him financially.

Some people take longer than others and if my OH doesn’t propose in the next 12 months I might bleed from eyeballs and drag him to a registry office.

DesMartinsPetCat · 10/12/2019 19:29

Living together is not a commitment, especially if you’re renting.

Lozzerbmc · 10/12/2019 19:35

He should really be honest about whether he wants to or not. Then you’ll know where you stand and can decide whether a dealbreaker for you

Plaintainchipss · 10/12/2019 19:39

Sexless
Not to seem harsh at all but it’s sort of sad when you have to “put your foot down” in order to get your DP to marry you. You genuinely should have to do that. He should want to.

DesMartinsPetCat · 10/12/2019 19:43

if my OH doesn’t propose in the next 12 months I might bleed from eyeballs and drag him to a registry office

I get that you’re being facetious here, but surely you see that any threats you make are completely idle given you’ve already had a child and purchased a property with him? If marriage was that important to you, you’d have insisted on it before having a child with your boyfriend.

Original poster
Fairylights88 · 10/12/2019 20:37

Thanks ladies for your feedback and taking the time to reply.
So I moved in to his house. I wanted to buy a house together but he didn't want to I feel I compromised on this.

We've had lengthy discussions about an engagement which unfortunately have become rows and arguments. I suppose I'm upset because I feel like he's not going to make the commitment however we are a serious couple and want to be together.

He kept saying it'd happen but it's a year down the line and every holiday, anniversary I'm left disappointed.

He knows I want kids and he's said for a good year now that when we get engaged we can start trying for a family.
I just feel like one day it seems solid and perfect and the next I am not getting anything I want out of the relationship.
He says he loves me and I'm tbe one and this makes me so confused.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/12/2019 20:39

Are you paying towards his mortgage?

Can you buy a separate property and let it out?

HollowTalk · 10/12/2019 20:41

OK well forget the marriage for a moment. He is investing in his future by buying a house and presumably you pay something towards rent, which means you are making it easier for him.

Meanwhile you can't get onto the property ladder. He knows this. He takes your money and doesn't care really that you can't get on the ladder.

All of the power regarding marriage rests with him. I'd be very unhappy about that.

If you were my daughter I'd suggest you move out and buy somewhere for yourself and don't commit yourself to someone who isn't prepared to commit to you.

Fairyliz · 10/12/2019 20:43

Sorry but he doesn’t sound that committed. He doesn’t want to get engaged, won’t buy a house with you but seems happy to let you move in. Presumably that’s because you pay towards the bills?
I don’t think he is the one

Original poster
Fairylights88 · 10/12/2019 20:44

Thank you. I feel like I'm being so unreasonable when I talk to him. I feel like I'm being desperate and he thinks I'm demanding when I ask about marriage.

Yes, I'm paying towards his mortgage.

I do have some money from inheritance and wondered if I should buy a property to rent out.

I appreciate all the responses x

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 10/12/2019 20:44

How old are you? Asking because you want children.

You are not compromising, you are letting him have his own way. A compromise is when you meet in the middle.

I would issue an ultimatum, cut my losses and move on.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 10/12/2019 20:45

Nah, what is living together? It’s just a glorified house share, really, isn’t it?

Put your foot down. Or propose to HIM.

Cream5 · 10/12/2019 20:50

Agree with other PPs.
Get some independence back. Or at least buy a property for yourself (Or make sure you have enough in the bank for a deposit and legal fees as the least).

He wants it all his own way, you are letting him get his own way. Why would he 'give' to you... as soon as he marries you his house becomes half yours, potentially. Right now he gets help with the bills and youve no legal claim on the house.

Have you offered to buy into his house?

DesMartinsPetCat · 10/12/2019 20:50

I moved in to his house

That’s even less of a commitment for him than renting together. He can literally tell you to pack your bags and get out of his house with no warning.

Stop paying his mortgage. Why are you doing that?!

Fairyliz · 10/12/2019 20:52

Wow so you are helping him to pay off his mortgage. You do know as you are not married you won’t have any claim on the house?

ChristmasSpirtsOnTheRocksPleas · 10/12/2019 20:54

He’s not that into you. If he really wanted to commit to you legally he would have asked. I’m not saying he does t love you, just that he doesn’t love you to share everything with you irrevocably. Sorry Flowers

firstimemamma · 10/12/2019 20:55

It's only been 2 and a half years.

I get the importance of wanting to be engaged then married but I think the 'average' time it takes a man to propose in this country is around 3 years (I'm happy to be corrected on that!) so for you that would still be 6 months away. Some men take 4 years or more, everyone is different.

Original poster
Fairylights88 · 10/12/2019 21:04

This is so depressing to hear (the truth) Confused
When we talk about our future we talk about having a family and he seems keen on having a baby. I know that sounds weird now I'm writing it down.

I don't know why he'd say that if he's not committed. Has anyone else experienced this with a bf?

I'm 29 and he is 40.

OP posts:
meditrina · 10/12/2019 21:06

If you want to be married before you have DC, then do not TTC until after you are married.

(Feels like that's stating the bleeding obvious, but being the main carer for DCs can have quite an effect on career, and could leave you in a difficult position if you reduce your income/prospects)

Ensure you are putting the equivalent of what you paid in rent into a savings account for you.

Do not sink your assets into a property belonging to someone else. Pay your fair share of the routine bills (utilities, council tax, food etc) but not improvements to his assets. Put your saved rent into an account in your name only. Either you marry, in which case it'll make life better for you both. Or you won't, and it'll be your deposit on your new place

letsdolunch321 · 10/12/2019 21:10

Buy yourself a place that you can rent out. From reading your post the fella sounds like he id struggling to make a commitment to you.

Why did his previous engagement end?

AuntieStella · 10/12/2019 21:10

"I don't know why he'd say that if he's not committed"

It's called future faking

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/understanding-why-someone-fakes-a-future-with-you/

Have a think about how long you are prepared to wait to see if future promises become actual deeds.

BillywilliamV · 10/12/2019 21:13

He needs to piss or get off the pot, frankly.

Supersimkin2 · 10/12/2019 21:16

He's 40. He doesn't want to marry you.

If he doesn't want you now, he sure won't with a baby.

You are a great catch - for someone else.