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Original poster

Is living together enough commitment?

172 replies

Fairylights88 · 10/12/2019 19:15

Hello mumsnet,
I am looking for some honest opinions about my situation.

I've been with my partner for 2.5 years, we moved in last year and sometimes it's been amazing and other times I've been quite down.

I thought at this point we would be engaged and a bit more on the same page however I don't feel this is imminent and it gets me down. He does sometimes say he will propose so it feels mixed messages.

He was engaged to his ex and says he's not ready to propose because of his past break up. I have tried to be understanding about this but internally its really upset me.

Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to be over his last break up and wanting to be married?
Or is living with my bf enough commitment and I shouldn't push it?

Thanks

OP posts:
FilledSoda · 11/12/2019 10:38

I'd be making plans to move out .
If you're in a position to buy a property with your inheritance definitely do so.
What can he say ?
He's got his house and security , you're a lodger with benefits.
If that doesn't make realise what's at stake then he was never that committed anyway ,
You're only 29 , you don't need to settle for someone that won't commit

GiveHerHellFromUs · 11/12/2019 10:38

@Fairylights88 realistically a child isn't as much of a commitment to YOU as the other things are.

He'd be committing to being in contact with you for the next 18 years but would only be legally and financially responsible for the child, not for you.

Does he have any children?
Bear in mind he's 40 and he might see this as his last chance to have children without being an 'old' dad.

caramelbun · 11/12/2019 10:38

He’s 40, he’s not some young guy figuring it all out. How you both live now is how he wants to live. I worry you are wasting your time OP.

My sister is doing the same thing as you and now she’s in her mid 30s (similar age gap). Still no marriage or baby. He may be a lovely bloke but I think he is happy just having a girlfriend. The willingness to take it further has to come from both parties. And yes he said he would get married to her and start a family. It’s been years. Words mean nothing if they don’t want to act on them.

Celebelly · 11/12/2019 10:40

The reality is that you can get married for very cheap (we are doing it on Friday for £175 at the registry office and have spent less than £500 altogether) so even if he doesn't want the whole 'wedding' thing, that's no barrier to actually being married. You haven't been together that long so on its own the lack of proposal might not be so bad, but the age gap, the excuses and the fact you have moved into his house rather than somewhere together would make me anxious.

What would happen if you didn't wait for a proposal but just said you would like to get married and want to set a date?

Celebelly · 11/12/2019 10:42

Also we dragged our heels about getting married for years as neither of us were particularly bothered and we had other stuff in place to protect finances, but when DD arrived earlier this year we knew it was time. There was no flashy proposal; we just sat down and discussed it, agreed that it was a good idea, and arranged it for three months' time.

Original poster
Fairylights88 · 11/12/2019 10:44

caramelbun yes I feel this could be the case and I have compromised enough.
I stupidly thought his relationship with his ex was weird and they were unhappy as they never spent any time together. He used to tell me things about their relationship and I believed that he was miserable but maybe that was the way he liked it.
They were engaged, had a house so I see why he wouldn't want to repeat the set up. I know it was traumatic for him.
Maybe he wanted marriage and kids with me but realises he doesn't Confused
But I really cannot understand this because he is happy to try for a baby and has no issue with me not being on broth control. This is why it's so confusing

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 11/12/2019 10:58

He was with his ex for 5 years. Yes they had a date for the wedding which doesn't make me feel great.

We were friends during that time and yes stuff happened between us when they were breaking up.

It's been a tricky few years to get a status quo.

You were the OW. He binned off his fiance, wedding date set, to be with you. He told you some stuff, usually half truths or nonsense FYI, and you believed that his relationship with rubbish and you would be different. He may have come to believe this himself.

The truth is that he is rubbish. He binned off a fiance with a wedding planned. Can you imagine the humiliation? He didn't care and blamed it on her and the relationship. You are now seeing him for who and what he is. Unfortunately, men who happily bin off one woman for another and walk away with nary a second thought rarely prove to be good quality mates and partners in the long term - something which you have now discovered.

Leave, find someone decent (and don't OW again).

BIWI · 11/12/2019 11:03

I can't see why on earth you're still with him! Can't you see that he's just stringing you along?

And why are you paying his mortgage?!

Sorry, but he doesn't want anything but a housemate he can have sex with. You need to up your self esteem and leave him. Find another (unattached) man who genuinely wants what you want.

AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 11/12/2019 11:04

But you said that he said you can start trying for a baby once you're engaged? And you've admitted that there's been no proposal or discussion of actually getting engaged.
These men always put it on the long finger, excuse the pun.

Why does he not want to wait until you're married before trying for a baby? Ask him that. Does he anticipate a long engagement? Hmm

I'm sorry, OP, but it's crystal clear what he's doing here.
I'm in my mid 30s and I've seen this exact situation happen several times, including my sibling.
And as someone already said, they're often married to and have a baby with someone else, 2 years down the line.
You're only 29. Be grateful that you're not 39.

ChuckleBuckles · 11/12/2019 11:07

What I don't get is that he is happy to start a family with me but not commit in terms of a property or marriage

Because he will see the baby as something you care for until he wants to be involved or not, he can walk away from a baby but legally be financially compromised by marriage and property rights. Time to wake up OP. This is who he is, and stop believing the guff he told you about the Ex.

Rainbowqueeen · 11/12/2019 11:12

Yes leave.

He does not want to marry you. He doesn’t even want the best for you.
Rip that band aid off and give yourself the chance to meet someone on the same page as you.

caramelbun · 11/12/2019 11:15

I don’t think you should take the fact he is ok with you going off contraceptives as a good sign. I don’t think it means he will make the big commitment to you. In his mind it might still be “your choice”.

You’re still young you can find someone else who genuinely does want a family.

Tighnabruaich · 11/12/2019 11:16

You're paying his mortgage, and he could ask you to leave at any time. Having a child with you isn't that much of a commitment for him, getting married is much more serious, it's a legal contract.
He's not a kid, he's a middle-aged man who's got a live-in girlfriend who pays his mortgage - why should he change that set-up?
Only you can decide what to do, but to us impartial onlookers it does seem like you are being strung along.

Butterymuffin · 11/12/2019 11:23

Mention tonight that you're going to start looking for a property of your own to use your inheritance on. If he asks why, point out that you're not on his mortgage because he didn't want that, and you've realised you have your own future to think about so you will go ahead and look to buy on your own. Let him absorb that. If he specifically then says 'but what about when we have a baby' I would say 'well, that's all very well in theory but we don't know what the future holds, do we? I need to think of my own security'. Then watch for how he reacts to all this in the next few days.

LolaSmiles · 11/12/2019 11:24

But I really cannot understand this because he is happy to try for a baby and has no issue with me not being on broth control. This is why it's so confusing
He's happy to try for a baby because he doesn't have to make any legal commitment to you.
He can walk away at anytime, knowing his pension, his house etc are all his and you have no claim on them.

I'd also bet that if and when a baby is here it will "make sense" for you to go part time or give up work to care for the baby, then you'll be earning less or not at all, he'll hold it that you're living in his house and his wage will be his money. You will find that you've for limited options in terms of earning power and so will find it harder to leave when you wake up and see that he's fashioned himself a lovely little set up with a younger woman who has covered part of his mortgage, had a child with him, has given up work/gone part time so will run the house for him and generally do all domestic load and she's not going to do anything because she's made ultimatums before and they were hot air.

There's hundreds of threads of women having babies with DPs who end up financially shafted because the guys know exactly why they don't want to marry, but they paint it as "not needing a piece of paper / we have a child and thats a buyer step / he is traumatised from previous relationships".

Batqueen · 11/12/2019 11:28

2.5 years is not that long IMO, I would not expect to be engaged in that time. Personally that would be too soon for me especially if I’d been burned in a previous relationship I’d want to have lived together for at least a year and be together for more than 3 before getting engaged and I’m older than you.

AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 11/12/2019 11:35

And again, sorry to sound harsh or uncaring OP, but it's almost Christmas/New year... peak proposal time - not that he strikes me as the traditional type anyway Hmm
But if he doesn't do it then, or at least initiate a conversation with you about marriage and your future -knowing that that's what you want and what you've asked for, and what he has promised you, then he's not going to and he certainly doesn't want to. Stop thinking 'it will be my 30th, our holiday, our anniversary'
Stop waiting around and stop paying his mortgage. It's as simple as that.

WatchingTheMoon · 11/12/2019 11:39

I split up with a guy for much the same reasons (except he never pretended he wanted to get married/have kids).

Now married and pregnant with a man who is on the same page as me and wants the same things as me.

It's so easy to stay in a relationship and hope they'll change their mind but it ultimately makes your life so much harder. As women, we have to accept that there's a limited time for us to have children which sucks, but that's just how it is.

MarshaBradyo · 11/12/2019 11:40

Don’t start a family with him until he commits properly ie legally. You may find yourself in a vulnerable position financially later on.

firstimemamma · 11/12/2019 11:41

@Batqueen that's what I thought too. I got engaged at just over 3 years. I know a very happy couple who got engaged at 5 years.

Crazypanda85 · 11/12/2019 11:49

I was with a great guy for a long time. He was the 'one' (or so I thought.) I talked about marriage but he never did anything about it. One day it dawned on me, he was my idea of the 'one' but the feeling wasn't mutual. We ended things, and the biggest sign was he never once tried to convince me to stay.
I'm not suggesting you play games as that's dangerous. Walk away though, and if he knows why you're leaving and he feels that strongly then it may prompt the response you are looking for. Alternatively you may never hear from him again, but either way you having nothing to lose.

Met my husband 2 years after leaving my ex, and when I realised I could discuss marriage without being met with a sigh or eyeroll and could talk about it openly in adult way- then I'd actually met 'the one'.

Life is to short to try and convince someone to commit to you.

LemonPrism · 11/12/2019 12:02

2.5 years is nothing. Unless your biological clock is ticking (ie you're over 30) then just wait and stop rushing.

I've lived with DP for 6 years, it'll happen when we're both ready, not when I'm ready to demand.

LemonPrism · 11/12/2019 12:04

You started pushing him into it after only 1.5 years? 18 months?? Calm down woman.

Durgasarrow · 11/12/2019 12:15

This is a man who is not ideologically opposed to marriage, since he was engaged to his ex. Yet he has encouraged you to move in to his house and help him pay his mortgage with no longterm plans for the future, even though he knows that you clearly value marriage. He's not very nice.

Durgasarrow · 11/12/2019 12:16

You are not at all unreasonable to expect marriage if you're already living together FFS!

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