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Original poster

Is living together enough commitment?

172 replies

Fairylights88 · 10/12/2019 19:15

Hello mumsnet,
I am looking for some honest opinions about my situation.

I've been with my partner for 2.5 years, we moved in last year and sometimes it's been amazing and other times I've been quite down.

I thought at this point we would be engaged and a bit more on the same page however I don't feel this is imminent and it gets me down. He does sometimes say he will propose so it feels mixed messages.

He was engaged to his ex and says he's not ready to propose because of his past break up. I have tried to be understanding about this but internally its really upset me.

Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to be over his last break up and wanting to be married?
Or is living with my bf enough commitment and I shouldn't push it?

Thanks

OP posts:
BelfastNonBlonde · 12/12/2019 07:01

He’s 40..

If he was desperate to get married and have kids he would have done it by now.

Run. He’s not going to change his ways now. I’ve been there..

lifeisgoodagain · 12/12/2019 07:46

It depends, not everyone wants to marry. I'm not sure I will again - doesn't mean that I lack commitment

Notcoolmum · 12/12/2019 07:55

I would have said living together was fine. Until I got divorced and saw what my husband was entitled to. A share of my house that I bought. A share of my pension. All of this despite running me into debt and not seeing or contributing towards bringing up our children. Being abusive etc.

If we hadn't have married he would have had no claim to anything.

So if I was going to set up a family again I would look at each of our assets and potential earning power.

I wouldn't pay towards his mortgage. I would look to protect my own financial stability. If you have children who will look after them. Will your income and pension contributions drop? Getting married isn't a nice day out or a meaningless bit of paper. It's a legal contract. I wish I'd realised this before I got married.

chloxox08 · 12/12/2019 08:13

Maybe he's just giving it some time - like you said, he was engaged to his ex and they broke up, so he probably just doesn't want to rush into it again Smile I remember when I used to think at the 2 year mark 'why hasn't he proposed yet' looking back I can see it wasn't the right time! Now we've just hit our 4 year anniversary (relationship, not marriage) and he proposed to me last week! Timing is key

GiveHerHellFromUs · 12/12/2019 08:16

@chloxox08 when did he last force you to spend Xmas day alone, though?

BlouseAndSkirt · 12/12/2019 08:19

“Being engaged “ means absolutely nothing.
You are either married or not married (and in between you are actively planning your wedding)

‘Says he will propose’ WTF does that mean? You are either agreeing that you want to marry or not. What is saying ‘I am not agreeing to marry but I am saying I will agree to marry soon’? If you are not currently agreeing to marriage the alternatives are “I don’t know if I want to marry’ or ‘I don’t want to marry’.

RhymingRabbit3 · 12/12/2019 08:39

Being engaged is no different to being in a couple. So if he is so reticent about that (easily broken, non-legally binding) arrangement how likely is it really that he wants to get married?

What if you get engaged now but he wants "a long engagement", keeps putting off wedding planning etc. That's no different to now.

You can't agree to get engaged, the engagement is the agreement! To agree to agree to something in future is meaningless.

Original poster
Fairylights88 · 12/12/2019 08:52

I spoke to him last night and he still doesn't want to me to be with him and his family at Christmas. And he jokes I'm his wifey Hmm knowing its a sensitive topic.

I'm realising that we don't want the same things but he hasn't been honest because it's suited him. He dodges the questions and I've had my head in the sand.

We have been trying for a baby but I really think that is a bad idea even though he seems happy for me to get pregnant.

The new year needs to be a new start for me. Just feels overwhelming

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 12/12/2019 09:09

STOP trying for a baby right now.
Don't have sex with him until you've got some proper contraception in place.

MarshaBradyo · 12/12/2019 09:14

Op you’re on shaky ground. Do not try for a baby, he’s not committing to you legally.

MarshaBradyo · 12/12/2019 09:14

I will propose is the worst kind of string along that means nothing.

Butterymuffin · 12/12/2019 09:17

he still doesn't want to me to be with him and his family at Christmas

What? So what did he say? That's awful. How can he do that and still pretend he cares about you?

LolaSmiles · 12/12/2019 09:20

We have been trying for a baby but I really think that is a bad idea even though he seems happy for me to get pregnant
Stop trying for a baby.
He is making his position quite clear through his actions whilst stringing you along with his words.

No marriage, no baby. Though I'd be questioning whether I want to marry this man to be honest.

If you have a child with him you will never get the marriage, will probably end up giving up work or going part time for the children because he'll say "it makes sense as your wage just covers childcare" and you'll be stuffing your own security to fund his mortgage, facilitate his career, and his long term prospects eg his savings and pensions.

5LeafClover · 12/12/2019 09:24

Flowers The jokes are part of him trying to persuade you to ignore the facts. Continuing in an unequal partnership where the assets/ power to move forward are all on him and the risk is all on you is no laughing matter. Your hope, dreams and security are not a joke. Look after yourself.

chloxox08 · 12/12/2019 09:51

@GiveHerHellFromUs I haven't read any of the updates - I was just posting purely about the engagement part I read (incase anyone else is reading this thread for advice too) - if he doesn't wanna spend Xmas day with her when they live together then he's clearly a twat Smile

BIWI · 12/12/2019 10:43

Well why not read the whole thread then, @chloxox08? Do you really think that your words of wisdom were so important that you didn't need to bother reading what the OP had gone on to post, never mind other posters?

Notcoolmum · 12/12/2019 10:52

He cheated on his ex.
He doesn't want you to join him and his family on Xmas.
He's happy for you be alone on Xmas day.
Why would you want a baby with this man?

chloxox08 · 12/12/2019 11:01

@BIWI Hmm because when I clicked on the thread there was no other comments, my phone clearly just didn't load them properly, now I can see there were loads of comments + updates before mine but I couldn't see that at the time - it's really not a huge deal.

chloxox08 · 12/12/2019 11:07

Like I've said, now I've managed to read the updates I can see he's just not a nice person who cheated on his wife in the first place. At my time of commenting I never knew that so I was trying to have a positive approach as in the original post we didn't know that he'd banned her from Xmas, was a cheat etc Smile all I was trying to do was be nice.

Aethelthryth · 12/12/2019 11:07

If he won't commit to marriage (NB Marriage, not "engagement") he is insufficiently committed for you to have children with him. I know that not all marriages last for ever but a prospective parent should be willing to commit to try to form a stable family. The answer to whether he is sufficiently committed you lies in how soon you want to have children

StVincent · 12/12/2019 11:44

He will have a baby with you because he’s probably a sexist twit who thinks the baby will be “yours” (your responsibility, your problem etc). He would become a weekend or occasional or never dad without a blink.

The house and money and his family are HIS, though. He won’t risk them by letting you be part of them.

I can understand why you feel so stuck, but you are a precious, worthwhile person who - for now - has many many choices at your fingertips. If you have no one to be with at Christmas, I’m guessing your family might not have given you the happiest upbringing ever. But you are kind and valuable. You will be setting yourself and your future kids up for a far happier life if it’s not with this guy. Make a doc appointment today and get the pill x

IM0GEN · 12/12/2019 12:08

So he wants you to make a massive commitment to him - give up your own flat, pay towards his mortgage, get pregnant with his baby .

But he’s not willing to spend Christmas with you.

Great.

Right now, You have fewer rights than a lodger. At least a lodger gets some notice. You and your baby ( if you conceive ) could be out on Your ear in 24 hours. You have ZERO rights.

You are playing with fire here OP.

TheHootiestChristmasOwl · 12/12/2019 12:16

Stop trying for a baby. Get back on contraception.

Tighnabruaich · 12/12/2019 13:24

Leaving you alone at Christmas?
Not on.
Horrible behaviour - why are you putting up with it?

Haffiana · 12/12/2019 15:53

Hang on - he is willing to bring a child into this world, but not willing to ensure that his child and his child's mother are financially protected?

Why would you do this to your future children? I mean you, OP. Why would you have a child with a man who doesn't care to legally and financially protect that child? Just why?

This stuff should be taught in schools.