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Original poster

Is living together enough commitment?

172 replies

Fairylights88 · 10/12/2019 19:15

Hello mumsnet,
I am looking for some honest opinions about my situation.

I've been with my partner for 2.5 years, we moved in last year and sometimes it's been amazing and other times I've been quite down.

I thought at this point we would be engaged and a bit more on the same page however I don't feel this is imminent and it gets me down. He does sometimes say he will propose so it feels mixed messages.

He was engaged to his ex and says he's not ready to propose because of his past break up. I have tried to be understanding about this but internally its really upset me.

Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to be over his last break up and wanting to be married?
Or is living with my bf enough commitment and I shouldn't push it?

Thanks

OP posts:
QueenOfTheFae · 10/12/2019 21:16

He kept saying it'd happen but it's a year down the line and every holiday, anniversary I'm left disappointed.

ffs - he doesn't want to get married, you do, is it a deal breaker only you can answer that - but stop the 'pick me' dance, its embarrassing, you're worth more than that. are you planning on having dc? don't! until you are married

CalleighDoodle · 10/12/2019 21:18

Op
He is not the man for you. absolutely buy a property. And live in it. He is future faking. Not wanting to get engaged yet is fine. Blowing hot and cold is manipulative.

Do not ttc before marriage. You are in a very weak position atm.

HollowTalk · 10/12/2019 21:21

Oh god, OP, there's a hell of an age gap between 29 and 40. Honestly, you're in different places and it's clear from his attitude that he's really not in the same place as you.

cheezy · 10/12/2019 21:24

OP I have recently left a relationship just like this. It was agony to leave but I think for the best. My ex was happy to live with me but not prepared to commit beyond that. I wanted more. So I left and bought a little place of my own. If you were to do the same and the relationship works out then you can rent your place out. Don’t be beholden to a man who can’t/ won’t give you what you need. You will never be happy.

Original poster
Fairylights88 · 10/12/2019 21:31

cheezy that's incredibly brave and well done
It must have been so tough.
I can't imagine my life without him but then again I am getting so down being with someone who doesn't want the same things as me.
I want him to be honest but I feel like he fobs me off

OP posts:
Savingforarainyday · 10/12/2019 21:31

Do you feel he is genuinely not over his relationship with his ex?
In that case, then he's using you for his own comfort.

Or do you think he's just grown cautious?

In any case, stop pushing him to propose- he either wants to or he doesn't. Proposing is the easiest part of the whole thing- its marriage that takes proper commitment, and if he doesn't have it, he doesn't have it.

Buy your own place before he does propose, and you blow your inheritance on a big wedding. Invest in your own future.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/12/2019 21:31

Make sure you are informed of your rights as an unmarried couple compared with a married one when it comes to property, inheritance and children.

I'm also inclined to wonder if he is stringing you along.

ShirleyPhallus · 10/12/2019 21:35

My ex was exactly like this and I was exhausted with the holding my breath and waiting for the next step. It never came and I finally broke up with him, and zero surprise, no big show of trying to get me back or anything.

With my current partner, we spoke about marriage and babies on our second or third date and it was clear we were on the same page. He proposed after 18 months, we have bought a house together, baby on the way and getting married next year.

The ones who want to marry you will do. While you need to give it some time and not rush in to it, he is making zero commitments to you.

Please leave him and find someone who loves you as much as you love them

neverornow · 10/12/2019 21:38

I'm afraid it sounds like he's stringing you along.
I agree with what a PP said, you're making his life easier by helping pay his mortgage.
Tell him you're hoping to buy your own place to rent out so can't afford to help pay towards his mortgage any more.
If he's really serious about proposing and marrying you he won't (or shouldn't) mind

SantaMonicaZ · 10/12/2019 21:39

He's stringing you along and just telling you enough to keep you interested and invested. The ex is a red herring/excuse because the current situation is convenient financially and also I'm sure quite pleasant for him.
Sorry to be brutal but don't fall for this "commitment" nonsense. When someone wants to marry you, they know, and so do you and it's quite obvious. He's waiting.

AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 10/12/2019 21:39

No, it's not enough commitment. You might as well be his lodger. It's all on his terms - he has you contributing towards his mortgage and he can end the relationship any time he wants and leave you with nothing. Actually, if you were renting privately, you'd be a tenant and have more rights and protection than you do now.

Also, under no circumstances should you have a baby with him, even if you're ''engaged''. Funny how these men agree to TTC when they're engaged, he's almost admitting that there won't be a wedding or a marriage Xmas Hmm
And he's 40... if he's not 'ready' for any of those commitments right now, then IMO, it's very unlikely that he ever will be

Sorry for you OP, I know it's very hard to hear Xmas Sad

DesMartinsPetCat · 10/12/2019 21:46

If you do end it, please don’t be surprised if he’s married to someone else with a baby on the way within about 18 months.

HeddaGarbled · 10/12/2019 21:48

Not much commitment for him to take in a lodger with benefits. Sorry to be harsh.

All that money you’re paying him is helping to pay off his mortgage but he could kick you out tomorrow.

You want:

  1. To get married
  2. To buy a house together
  3. To have children

None of these are unreasonable.

Are you brave enough to give him an ultimatum? With timescales.

Original poster
Fairylights88 · 11/12/2019 08:43

Are you brave enough to give him an ultimatum?

Yes, sort of. I've given him a few but it never amounts to anything.

What I'm struggling with is that we've spoken about marriage and a family and he seems to be on board. Confused

OP posts:
AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 11/12/2019 09:00

'He seeks to be on board'

Tell him you're stopping your pill, and watch his reaction

AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 11/12/2019 09:00

*seems

PatriciaHolm · 11/12/2019 09:10

Yes, sort of. I've given him a few but it never amounts to anything.

Well; they aren't ultimatums then are they? He knows now you won't go through with whatever you've said.

Look; talk is cheap. He can say whatever he likes in terms of your relationship, because he's confident you'll just accept it. He may not be consciously lying to you, he may be just pushing the hard decisions down the road, but that doesn't solve anything. He's managed to get to 40 without really making any major decisions or commitments, there is no reason to think that will change.

You could easily find yourself in exactly this position in 10 years time - unmarried, childless, and with no claim on the property you've been paying into for years.

ChuckleBuckles · 11/12/2019 09:26

I've given him a few but it never amounts to anything

So you need to follow through then OP, get financial advice and buy your own flat or house, either rent it out for now or move in to it yourself, you don't have to talk this out with him because frankly it is none of his business what you do with your money, you are not married.

He will either get serious when he realises he is likely to lose you or he will sit back and do nothing, you will have your answer then as to how committed he is but more importantly you will have a sound financial future for yourself. Don't feather his nest in the hopes that one day he might commit.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2019 10:05

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?
Your boundaries in relationships need urgent revising upwards because this person has taken full advantage of your own apparent naiveity and indecisiveness.

An ultimatum (and you have never issued one of those) by the way can only be issued once because repeated ones lose all their power otherwise. You also have to be fully prepared to follow it through otherwise there is no point in issuing such a thing.

You're being strung along here by a man who has also future faked you into the bargain. There will be no marriage between you and he and you are his trophy girlfriend. The power and control in this relationship is very much all his, you have no real power with this at all.

And please stop paying any part of his mortgage; why pay into something that you are not a part of?. He could all too easily send you packing and you have no legal recourse here whatsoever. Do not sink any more costs into this; these are all sunk costs. I would move out asap along with ending the relationship.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 11/12/2019 10:16

I don't necessarily agree with posters on here.

I'm not married - been with DP for 6 and a half years.
We moved into his house (he owns it but was renting it out before) and my names not on the mortgage.
We also have a baby.
He does tell me he'll propose - although we did have an argument about this a few days ago because every couple of years he'll say 'in the next two years' and it never happens so I've just told him to stop bullshitting me.

I'd like to get married but if we don't I'm not bothered anymore.

We've both changed all the documents for pensions and Death in Service benefits etc so we get each other's anyway.

I'm financially independent though, so if we were to split I'd be fine.

If you're otherwise happy, I really don't see a proposal as this big a deal.

AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 11/12/2019 10:16

It would be interesting to know why he and his ex fiancée broke up. Was there a wedding date set? Although I'm sure his version of events aren't necessarily the truth anyway.

Some men continuously string women along, dangling the promise of an engagement and a baby in front of them, with no intention of ever following through. The situation is especially ideal for this man - he is already a property owner.

And even if you call his bluff and he agrees to getting engaged.. do you really want to marry a man, knowing that you had to issue him with ultimatums, effectively pleading with him to propose to you? Hmm you're worth more than that, OP.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 11/12/2019 10:17

Just to add: if you're forcing him to propose what's the point? If there's no feeling behind a proposal it's just a ring he's been bullied into buying.

LolaSmiles · 11/12/2019 10:23

You want marriage, security and a child.
He doesn't.
Neither of you are unreasonable for wanting different things.

However, he is unreasonable for stringing you along. Right now he has help with mortgage payments for a property you have no claim on and he holds all the cards.

Don't do the pick me dance. There's too many women out there who move in with a man, subsidise his bills, want marriage but he doesn't so they settle and say they're not bothered, have a child and make themselves financially dependent on their DP and end up stuck.

ohwheniknow · 11/12/2019 10:25

He's using you.

And saying whatever shit will manipulate you into staying.

Don't throw your future away because of his empty words.

Original poster
Fairylights88 · 11/12/2019 10:33

OK, thanks for your feedback. Its tough to hear.
What I don't get is that he is happy to start a family with me but not commit in terms of a property or marriage.

He was with his ex for 5 years. Yes they had a date for the wedding which doesn't make me feel great.
We were friends during that time and yes stuff happened between us when they were breaking up.
It's been a tricky few years to get a status quo.

I feel a mug if he really is stringing me along. I don't understand

OP posts: