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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is living together enough commitment?

172 replies

Fairylights88 · 10/12/2019 19:15

Hello mumsnet,
I am looking for some honest opinions about my situation.

I've been with my partner for 2.5 years, we moved in last year and sometimes it's been amazing and other times I've been quite down.

I thought at this point we would be engaged and a bit more on the same page however I don't feel this is imminent and it gets me down. He does sometimes say he will propose so it feels mixed messages.

He was engaged to his ex and says he's not ready to propose because of his past break up. I have tried to be understanding about this but internally its really upset me.

Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to be over his last break up and wanting to be married?
Or is living with my bf enough commitment and I shouldn't push it?

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Fairylights88 · 11/12/2019 15:21

These responses have upset me but also I'm not surprised.
Over Christmas he is going home to see his family and didn't invite me. His family are quite disfunctional but it would be nice to be included and I would have loved to go. So now I'm on my own on Christmas day.
I feel like utter crap.

He left his ex for me so I thought i was the one. He blows hot and cold and says he wants to get the perfect ring for me then jokes about me wanting to get married.

I feel so stuck.

OP posts:
Batqueen · 11/12/2019 15:24

Leaving you by yourself on Christmas IMO is much worse than not being engaged yet. It’s horrible to leave you alone on Christmas when you are in a serious relationship and have no one to spend the day with.

SnuggyBuggy · 11/12/2019 15:33

That's a bad sign I think, it shows he doesn't see you two as a unit. Sorry to be negative OP.

FakeChristmasTreesaremynewnorm · 11/12/2019 15:33

Move on OP find someone who wants what you do and is straightforward and honest.

MarieG10 · 11/12/2019 15:43

@Fairylights88

OK, thanks for your feedback. Its tough to hear.
What I don't get is that he is happy to start a family with me but not commit in terms of a property or marriage.

Well he probably wants a family but what he doesn't want to do is risk getting totally financially filleted if you get married and divorced. I suspect that is the reality but if you go ahead, financially you have no protection unless you are married.

The divorce laws are so impactive on finials settlements that a lot of people do now refuse to get married because of them...and increasingly women are being the higher earners.

Butterymuffin · 11/12/2019 15:45

If he's leaving you on your own for Christmas and fucking off to his family, he's not only not ready to get engaged, he's not committed to you. Sorry OP. He's not a good person. Take that as the sign it's not going to work and you need to end it.

Is there anyone you can make plans with for Christmas? Or I would be tempted to spend any money you were going to get him presents with to take yourself away for a night or two over Christmas.

BoxtheRight · 11/12/2019 15:45

He's leaving you home alone on Christmas Day? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Sack him off.

BoxtheRight · 11/12/2019 15:47

The divorce laws are so impactive on finials settlements that a lot of people do now refuse to get married because of them...and increasingly women are being the higher earners.

Maybe when they marry, but usually not after children.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2019 16:21

You are only stuck if you choose to be stuck.

I would also tell him that this relationship is now at an end because it is not working for you. He is quite happy as he is also because he has you around to provide him with paying his mortgage, doing chores and being his sexual partner. He has no intention of marrying you or even getting engaged to you.

Leaving you alone on Christmas Day is not acceptable from him either (the rotten apple that is he really did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his family).

You are not getting anything out of this relationship so do not stay simply because you've already invested so much into it. This is a sunk cost which cannot be recouped.

And for the love of all that is good do not have a child by him either. He will have an heir then and even more power and control over you particularly if you were stupid enough to give him/her his surname.

caramelbun · 11/12/2019 16:21

What a git for leaving you out on Christmas Day.

Also it’s totally reasonable to want to know if he’s made his mind up about you after you’ve been with him for so long.

HundredMilesAnHour · 11/12/2019 16:39

He left his ex for me so I thought i was the one.

Hang on, so he was cheating on his ex with you? This goes from bad to worse.

Original poster
Fairylights88 · 11/12/2019 16:49

HundredMilesAnHour pretty much but he told me a load of bull, I think anyway.
He said they were unhappy and he didn't want to lose the house or dog to her. He said it wasn't working out and I tried to be understanding.

You wouldn't meet him and think manipulative arse hole, honestly he doesn't seem like that.
But it's not great, I'm seeing that now.
I want to get to know his family and he just shrugs it off.
This isn't good is it.
I suppose I just need to vent.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 11/12/2019 16:49

"He left his ex for me so I thought i was the one. "

🙄

SnuggyBuggy · 11/12/2019 16:59

Again him not wanting to introduce you to his family after the time you've been together is also a bit of a red flag here

Charley50 · 11/12/2019 17:17

How much are you paying towards his mortgage? Tbh I would tell him that as of now that is stopping, (I'd actually ask for a bit back!), then I'd start looking for your own place to buy, with your inheritance as a deposit, and dump him/ move out when you buy it. He's a user. Use him back.

Do you have friends you can spend Xmas with?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2019 17:21

"I suppose I just need to vent"

No you do not just need to vent, you need to leave this user of a man behind and make a new life for yourself without him in it. Your boundaries in relationships also need urgent revising upwards.

You sell yourself short by being with this man at all.

TheHootiestChristmasOwl · 11/12/2019 17:30

Everything you write just gets worse. Read back what you've written, what would you tell a friend if they said it?

As everyone else has said, why are you paying his mortgage? He could tell you to leave tomorrow and you would have to, with nothing. There is no common law in the UK. Same if you had a baby, he has a commitment to it, not you.

He’s 40 and not ready? He isn’t going to be ready. And leaving you on Christmas Day and not wanting you to meet his family? Come on, it’s not good is it.

He’s fobbing you off. I wonder if he regrets rushing into another relationship.

AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 11/12/2019 17:32

The way he treated his ex should have been enough to tell you all you need to know about this man's character.

Leaving you alone at Christmas while he visits his family... so in his eyes, you basically are his lodger, except he gets the benefit of sleeping with the 29 year old woman- again, sorry to be crass and harsh, but that's exactly what this situation is.

I feel sad and sorry for you that you even have to question any of this.
You are in such a fortunate position that you have the means to buy your own property, You have no ties to this man (be thankful that you weren't trying for a baby) and you're young. You can just simply walk away.

TheHootiestChristmasOwl · 11/12/2019 17:32

You aren’t stuck btw. You have no ties with him.

Rottnest · 11/12/2019 17:40

Attila has given you good solid advice, I agree with her wholeheartedly, so many women on mums net, carry on being led up the garden path by their menfolk. Personally, I would buy a house/flat to rent out for financial security. You haven't even met his family, he is leaving you alone on Xmas day. REally. have some pride in yourself, take the excellent advice from the posters on this thread, and safeguard your future, he obviously will not, and I do not believe he will marry you. Why would he when he has everything he wants, already. Best wishes

SnuggyBuggy · 11/12/2019 17:43

I'd be planning an escape for next year. You deserve better than this.

TheoriginalLEM · 11/12/2019 17:45

27 years I've been waiting!!couldn't be arsed now

CharlotteMD · 11/12/2019 18:16

Attila : do you ever give any other advice than LTB ?. You seem to be on a mission to sew as much FUD as you can into as many relationships as you can . Was she so much younger ?.

AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 11/12/2019 18:28

Or maybe she has a low tolerance for men and their bullsh*t? Xmas Smile

HeddaGarbled · 11/12/2019 18:33

Wait, he left his fiancé for you but he can’t marry you because he’s upset about the end of his engagement? That’s some double-think!