My husband is missing

[Onalake]

He has alcohol dependency and depression and has suicidal thoughts. I thought he was upstairs, looked out of the window and realised the car was gone. I have phoned the police who are looking for him. I am devasted, sitting here waiting for news is killing me

Thank you so much for all your comments, it has helped so much.

Christmas was awful. Well Christmas Day itself was the best I can remember, but he drank too much on Christmas Eve, and on Boxing Day he was the worst I have seen him. He was spectacularly awful to me. Since then he has been to court and has recieved a driving ban and a fine, and scared himself witless after suffering breathing problems on Boxing Day due to mixing excess alcohol with strong medication.

He hadn't had a drink since Boxing Day, but had one pint this afternoon. He seems happier now the court case is out of the way and is talking about the future - our future. We also had a discussion about being an alcoholic today, and he admitted that he is beginning to think he probably is. Baby steps in the right direction.

I am probably getting my hopes up too much, but we have been together for 17 years, and only the last year has been bad. I am not ready to give up yet!

Sorry Christmas has been hard. Is he going to AA? What is he doing to change things for himself without your support.

You keep saying baby steps...I think you should be taking giant steps out of there.

My ex-step mum is an alcoholic. She's still drinking 24 years after my Dad finally divorced her...

@Fleetheart, until yesterday he denied he was an alcoholic, and I do feel that going to the doctors etc was because I made him do so, not because he wanted to or felt he needed to. Now, realisation is dawning that he is indeed an alcoholic, and last night he was online looking at the AA website among others.

I think that you have to start looking after yourself. Your posts are all about him and waiting for him to change. This is classic codependent behaviour. I know because I have been there. It is time for you to work out what you want, and for you to tell him on no uncertain terms either he stops or you are off. Sounds harsh but you will be giving the choice to him. He is the only one who can change things. You organising doctor etc etc will not allow him tonhave to make these decisions

If he is an alcoholic and is “seeing the light” rather than just giving you what you want to hear - then he will be driving everything to get himself sorted. He will know it is his journey and responsibility alone with the support of professionals and AA - and not reliant or related to you.

Your involvement, oversight and analysis of his progress / journey is totally counterproductive. You are too close to it all and are inadvertently part of it. All close family / significant others are.

If you want to give him the very best chance of recovery you need to let him do it alone.

You need to “detach with love” - Al anon will help you do this.

Sounds like his drinking has taken you to your rock bottom emotionally and financially - are you going to stay there?

Yes, you need to resist your natural instinct to help him and take a step back. He won’t hit rock bottom with you always there to cushion his fall. It sounds like rock bottom is what he needs to make him change his behaviour, and even then there is no guarantee. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Don’t let him drag you down with him.

On 22 December you wrote this

The meds are for short term use only, but will hopefully get us through Christmas and New Year. At least now OH is sober, and without withdrawal symptoms he does see reason and can comprehend the impact and potential outcome of his drinking

That hope lasted 48 hours until Christmas Eve. On 26 December he was “spectacularly awful” to you. He’s still drinking and abusing you, he tried to kill you a few weeks ago. But you think that looking at websites means that he’s going to change.

I’m sorry but you are not being realistic here. You need to leave for your own safely and welfare and to allow him to manage his own recovery, if that’s what he wants.

You also say that you are together 24 hours a day and I’m wondering why that is, when you mention that you both work ?

You also said he needed his car for work and yet now he has a driving ban, so what’s going to happen now?

This is so awful for you OP.

I suspect he is just playing the game to keep you with him and persuade you not to leave him.

He'll give you the bare minimum he can to make sure you stay.

Please put yourself first.

He will destroy you otherwise.

@Fleetheart, you are right. I have come to realise that I am doing everything I can to help him, and nothing to help myself. This will change....

@Gutterton, I know I need to detach, and will certainly be contacting Al Anon as soon as we are home in a few days time (doing the rounds visiting family and friends at the moment). And yes, I am at rock bottom in every way.

@Aloe6, thank you for commenting, you are right, and I will get there.

@IM0GEN, I know I am in denial, I know I need to grow a pair and leave him to his own devices. This sounds like an excuse, but our lives are entwined in so many ways it is difficult to extricate ourselves from each other. I have my own business and he works with me. Hence us being together 24/7. However, the business is now for sale, and the other arm of the business, for which he needs to drive to on occasion will possibly be wound up as he won't be able to get there.

I am house hunting this weekend. While we are both going I have chosen which houses to view based on what I want, and not what we want.

After the weekend things will be clearer.

@iMatter, I am trying to put myself first. It is so difficult. I will get there.

You just need to pan back to see the bigger picture - then press pause and emotionally detach in your head and heart. Keep that vacuum and space for sometime. Don’t rush in to rescue - stop for a bit - don’t “react” but “respond” - this might be doing nothing.

I understand that your lives are entwined OP. It’s the same for anyone who has been together for some time.

I see that you own the business and he works for you. But now he can’t do part of his job due to the driving ban.

I also see that you have lease on a business premises and I know that these typically have long leases, you can’t just walk away and not pay.

You say he has his own small car, even though he also has access to your larger one. I hope you have told your insurers about his conviction and removed him from your insurance. He will also have to tell his own car insurers.

Obviously I’m not asking you to say what your business is. But if it involved using machinery , working at heights, using equipment etc then you will need to redo your risk assessments. You can no longer deny that he has a drink problem.

When he does get his licence back, his premiums will be sky high and you may not be able to get business vehicle insurance for him.

You may need to discuss all this with your Company liability insurers. If you withhold Relevant information, they may not cover you in the event of a claim.

I’m sorry, I’m not trying to scare you, just protect you legally.

How are thing's @Onalake ?

@FourDecades thank you for asking :)

Following my posts on the 1st January that evening took a turn for the worst. If I went into detail I would be here all night, but needless to say I totally emotionally distanced myself from him after his behaviour that night. I recorded us having a converstaion and it is scary how icily cold and detached I am.

After that night, where he was out of contol infront of the friends we were staying with he sought help. He contacted AA and found a meeting relatively close by that was a drop in place. I took him there one evening but we couldn't find the place and he was terribly upset. He had an appointment with a drug and alcohol counsellor a few days after that, and that helped, although no further appointments have come through.

He was drinking up to 4 pint cans every couple of days until a few weeks ago, but then decided he wanted to stop. He hasn't had a drink for perhaps 5 or 6 weeks now, and is a different person.

I am still bearing the emotional scars of what happened in December and the first couple of days of January, and he is trying so hard to make it up to me. I haven't lifted a finger in weeks, he has done everything for me and every chore in the house. He is currently tiling the kitchen which has been on his to do list for over a year. I have asked him to ease off a little, but he says he has a lifetime of making up to do.

Time will tell I guess, but at the moment we are happy. I still have that little flutter of apprehension if he does or says something that remind me of that new years day evening in particular, but hopefully that will diminish in time.

Thank you again for thinking of me.

It's really positive that he is making changes.

What did you do with moving and your business?

Has he lost his licence?

The business is gone, but to be honest it was a blessing that I got out before Covid-19 hit, as I would have struggled and ended up hugely in debt.

We are staying put for now. It makes better financial sense and the only reason I wanted to move was to be closer to family when, as it seemed at the time, he was going to continue to drink and I would be leaving him. I love my home here so it's ok.

He got an 18 month driving ban

I have just read this thread and omg Onalake, you are so patient, incredibly strong and so so amazing! You have been through so much and I honestly hope this is a turning point! My heart goes out to you xx

@fairydust93, it doesn't always feel like it, and I do still question whether I should have stuck by him, but things at the moment are really good. Hopefully this will continue!

Did he ever get to AA after the missed first session?

What happened to the drug and alcohol counsellor?

Did you get support from Al Anon?

What did he do on Jan 1st?

Has he got a job?

@gutterton, no, he didn't go back to AA. We found the one we went to had closed and the next nearest is 30 miles away. With work etc I was unable to drive him there.

The counsellor spoke with him for 1.5 hours as an initial session. He said he would then put husband forward for counselling but there is a waiting list. Still waiting....

No job for him I'm afraid. There is absolutely no way of him getting to a job with him not being able to drive. We really are very remote here, several miles from the nearest village and a good 30 miles to town, with infrequent bus service.

I don't want to go into too much detail about NYD. It would take forever, but in a nutshell he drank loads of spirits at friends house party, went walkabout, all friends out looking for him as they live near a marina and they were concerned he would fall in

.....pressed too soon!

He was whiny and nasty to me, saying awful things and when I said I was going to film him he took my phone and threw it across the room. He never raised his voice or was agressive as such, but just said things designed to hurt me and took great delight in doing so

Please look after yourself and I say this as an alcoholic in recovery. We are such good liars and manipulative.

@olivetoboogie, thank for taking the time to respond. I do know he isn't drinking at the moment, and I am hopeful he will continue not to do so. We have been together for nearly two decades and this only became an issue over the last year.

What has happened in the last year that has pushed him to such a extremes? Is there the possibility that he has an undiagnosed MH issue?

In case it helps you to know this - AA, Al-anon and other 12 step meetings have all migrated online during lockdown. If you go to their respective websites you will find timetables of the meetings on offer, all over the country, which you can now attend from the comfort of your own home x