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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is missing

234 replies

Onalake · 10/12/2019 16:10

He has alcohol dependency and depression and has suicidal thoughts. I thought he was upstairs, looked out of the window and realised the car was gone. I have phoned the police who are looking for him. I am devasted, sitting here waiting for news is killing me

OP posts:
WheresMyChocolate · 13/12/2019 19:02

The assessor sounds nuts, that's if they did actually say that. Your husband may not be telling you the truth.

Original poster
Onalake · 13/12/2019 19:05

Giveherhellforus, his mood is much better without the alcohol. At least he is more rational. I am under no illusion that he has stopped drinking permanently, and the road ahead is going to be a long one, but baby steps are being taken.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/12/2019 19:11

I'm really glad that you have a tiny glimmer of hope there.

It definitely won't be an easy road but the fact you've stood by him says so much. I'm sure he's aware of how lucky he is.

glitterfarts · 13/12/2019 21:45

I'd be wondering what the hell he told the counsellor to be honest. Did he mention trying to kill you for instance?

readitandwept · 13/12/2019 21:59

I'd report her. She's going to do more harm than good.

kateandme · 13/12/2019 22:07

Motoko what utter crock of shit.many many many people are living in pure hell.wanting to die every second.and yes telling people they love.screaming how much they yearn to die.and if you see these people oh how you would never dare to say they would be quite or dont want to.the pain in them is horrifying.but for some or whatever reason they manage on.be it or family.be it through fear or for some kind words someone says to them.what a rediculous thing to say and to blakc and white thinking.
those peopleon the bridges that are miraculously stopped by a passer by.they dont want to die do they!?
good god mental health ignorance is allowed and well.

kateandme · 13/12/2019 22:10

its a shock when people go for anyone.whether they have told people or not.and many that you dont read in the pappers because it wasnt a shock are happening right this second.

richteasandcheese · 13/12/2019 22:20

Did the assessor really say all that is or he just feeding you bullshit to gaslight you?

Embracelife · 13/12/2019 23:33

Try calling the number see who it links to.?
You were right to call police
Dont believe a word he says about what was said in an appointment you didn't attend.

Fleetheart · 13/12/2019 23:48

OP, I have been in a similar position to you
This website is very useful; it has forum for friends and family. It’s based on the premise of al-anon and is a really good support
www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/

Fleetheart · 13/12/2019 23:49

It really helped me to see what I could do and what I could not do. It enables me to detach and see my ex’s problems as his problems not mine. It enables me to talk to other people about it, and not just to feel ashamed etc etc. It really helped 🙂

IM0GEN · 14/12/2019 00:11

Dont believe a word he says about what was said in an appointment you didn't attend

This is good advice. Same goes for the nurse at the police station. I fear you are being manipulated.

Original poster
Onalake · 14/12/2019 01:09

@IMOGEN, while he may or may not have been telling the truth about what was said in the assessment today (although I believe him), the nurse at the police station rang me at my husbands request with his diagnosis, so I recieved that information from the horses mouth.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onalake · 14/12/2019 01:10

@Fleetheart, I will look at that link, thank you :)

OP posts:
IM0GEN · 14/12/2019 10:33

Thanks for the update OP.

Please think about contacting al anon for some help and support for you. They work with people who are affecting by a loved ones drinking.

Now I know what you are thinking - oh no, that’s for people whose partners are street homeless, lying drunk in the gutter. That’s not true - there are people at Al anon whose drinkers are doctors, lawyers, business people and from all walks of lives.

I can’t tell you how much it will help you to meet other who really understand what you are going through.

The better you understand what’s going on and feel supported yourself, the more you can make informed decisions and the more you can work out how to help your husband.

Please give them a call and attend a meeting. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

SarahNade · 14/12/2019 14:37

Isn't it convenient that he blamed you for calling the police, said it was all your fault, and this 'assessor' says the same things?

Is there even an 'assessor'? Or did he tell you he was going, and then nick down to the pub?

Common sense, even the common sense possessed by a goldfish, tells you that NO professional would say it is wrong to call the police on a missing suicidal man who is drink driving. For fk sake, even a child would know that. There is not a single professional in the world who would say that. And then blaming you for his drinking?

What 'assessor' do you think would give a heavy drinking depressive an excuse such as you are controlling therefore he can't 'help' his heavy drinking or driving drunk?

Seriously, no person with an IQ above 40 would believe that. It doesn't even make any rational logical sense, for a professional to blame you for his choice to drink heavy and drink and drive. That is, just......is not rational.

OP, I feel for you. I grew up with an alcoholic father. But you need to be honest with yourself. There is no 'assessor'. He never went to one. Did you wait outside the office? If not, you have no idea where he went. Even if he did go, he is certainly not telling you the truth, he is making up outrageous stuff that anyone knows just wouldn't happen.
He blames you for everything, then comes home and says this so-called professional said everything he said to you, and then to cover up his tracks, he puts on an act pretending to be upset with this 'assessor'. If this 'professional' exists, you will be able to ring them as his wife and next of kin and speak to the person (if they exist, I lay you my entire house along with home and contents insurance, my car, and 2 years worth of salary to boot that they will say your husband 'didn't show up for his appointment'). Suggest to your husband that you ring them, and/or attend the next appointment with him (I really don't know why you didn't go with him). Then see his reaction. It will tell you everything. I guarantee he will get agitated and make excuses about why you can't come or why ringing the assessor is a bad idea.

Justaordinarybloke · 14/12/2019 21:39

A driving ban could be a blessing in disguise, hopefully this wont affect him attending his counselling

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 14/12/2019 21:56

What 'assessor' do you think would give a heavy drinking depressive an excuse such as you are controlling therefore he can't 'help' his heavy drinking or driving drunk?

This. I have amongst other things c-pstd and attachment issues. I have some dubious coping mechanisms. No therapist or mental health professional has ever told me my childhood or being raped excuses my behaviour because they don't.

They have also told me that they would to have call social services, the police or my psychiatrist if I disclose anything which suggests I'm a danger to myself or anyone else around me. I would say drink driving comes under that heading and I don't believe for one second a mental health professional would ever think that's okay.

You could suggest he makes a complaint about them because that's obviously dangerous advice contrary to all guidelines and see what he says.

nd gave OH a number I can call to 'talk me down' when I ger worried about his whereabouts as he is a grown man and if he wants to take off he can do so.

Has he given you the number? If so phone it. If he hasn't, ask for it and call them to clarify.

MitziK · 15/12/2019 00:13

The Nurse at the Police Station rang you?

I smell bullshit of the highest order. And sadly, I wonder whether he was actually alone on the day of his being caught drink driving.

Original poster
Onalake · 15/12/2019 02:06

@Mitzik, yes, the duty nurse phoned me. Of that I have no doubt. OH was arrested, he was in the cells waiting to be brought home when the nurse rang.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onalake · 15/12/2019 02:11

He was definitely alone. We live and work together and it was around 15 minutes after I last saw him that I realised he was missing. The police found him sleeping in the car in a layby not too much later.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onalake · 15/12/2019 02:20

@SarahNade he definitely went. We live in a very rural area where everyone knows everyone else, and he bumped into a neighbour at the doctors. I didn't go with him this time, but always do when we go to the GP. He has a GP appointment next Wednesday, hopefully we will have the results of the assessment then.

There was a misunderstanding re: the calling of the police. The assessor gave OH a number for HIM to call when he feels like taking off, between us that didn't come across clearly as he had so much to tell me. She did say that I control him and should let him do as he pleases as a grown man though.

OP posts:
BellyButton85 · 15/12/2019 02:23

I'm just glad the drunken prick didn't harm anyone with his idiot decisions

QueenofPain · 15/12/2019 02:52

I think the assessor was probably trying to gently direct your dh to the concept of his own personal responsibility for his actions without inflaming the situation or damaging their fledgling therapeutic relationship, and your husband has taken that to mean that you’re controlling and he should just do what he wants.

Fleetheart · 15/12/2019 15:06

@BellyButton85, thank you for your useful contribution and supportive comment