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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is missing

234 replies

Onalake · 10/12/2019 16:10

He has alcohol dependency and depression and has suicidal thoughts. I thought he was upstairs, looked out of the window and realised the car was gone. I have phoned the police who are looking for him. I am devasted, sitting here waiting for news is killing me

OP posts:
pointythings · 11/12/2019 14:37

You are so drained you can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. That's understandable, so think of all this like eating an elephant: you do it one bite at a time. First bite is Al-Anon online or by phone. It will give you some strength. After that you will need to make some decisions. What will you put up with, what is a deal breaker? If your H engages with services, takes his meds without booze on top, works hard, you have a shot at repairing this marriage. If he doesn't, think seriously about your future because one thing is certain: you cannot and should not endure more of this.

MitziK · 11/12/2019 16:43

He tried to kill you.

No other words for it. He attempted murder.

Are you sure trying to help somebody who did that to you just a few days ago, and has then gone on to terrify you - but refuses to accept that he has no business behind a wheel (or as a passenger, given his recent behaviour) and what's more, gives you the silent treatment - is really worth the toll it is taking on you?

Original poster
Onalake · 11/12/2019 17:07

@MitziK, I thing realisation os just dawning for me to be honest. I feel nothing for him today but loathing. I have tentatively looked at jobs and rental homes in a different part of the country, closer to my adult children, but I have a business here and a long lease on business premises to try and extricate myself from.

He still thinks he can escape a ban by pleading that he wouldn't be able to work, but he only does a few hours anyway, and I would be able to take him.

The repercussions from this are going to go on for a very long time.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 11/12/2019 17:23

I have been following your thread OP, I only posted once at the beginning (about police tracking him). My ex often pulled the suicide card, once he messaged me basically saying his life wasn’t worth living etc..etc.., he then went missing and switched his phone off, I was worried sick and tracked him down to the unit he worked in, when I got there I could not get in, I was sure he had taken his life in there, I called the police, they then called the fire service to break in. I was so scared thinking he was dead and how I would explain to his children (not my children). He hadn’t taken his life, he was sat in the back room listening to music on head phones. I don’t think I ever forgave him for putting me through that. He did this several times before I finally kicked him out, he went on a suicide pact that day too but this time I didn’t chase him, I let the police know and told them I don’t want anything to do with him. The tract his phone to and found him, he had told me earlier that day he was going to take a load of pills so police took him to hospital and pumped his stomach (he hadn’t taken anything), they then accessed his mental health and decided there was nothing wrong with him.

Lots of things happened after that but I never allowed him back into my life and surprise surprise he never took his life (despite him texting me everyday to say he was going too).

You can’t fix him, you can’t stop him drinking or taking his life, only he can do that. Please put yourself first and leave him, yesterday just proved what he’s like, he’s not going to take his life, he’s probably not brave enough to do it and even if her did it wouldn’t be your fault.

Zombieseverywhere · 11/12/2019 17:31

My xhsband also did the suicide threat. He moved into the garage, standard one, no windows... Couldn't get any answer from him, I phoned his Mh nurse and said I thought he'd committed suicide. Mh got in and there he was sat drinking beer and very much alive. Mh nurse came in to see me afterwards and said you need to leave him, he's got no intention of suicide. I stayed, we had 4 kids 7yrs and younger. Finally ended few years later. Again suicide threats. 15 years later he's still alive., dosent bother with kids but that's another story.
Save yourself and your sanity. Wishing you all the best.

Starlight2004 · 11/12/2019 17:34

Alcohol dependence is one of the worst. I've read it take an average of 7 attempts at rehab but I don't know if that's correct. My dh had alcoholic parents, they both died young and it was tragic to watch. You can't fix him. He has to really want to change and do it for himself. What he did to you in that car much have been terrifying! Please try and get support and look after yourself.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 11/12/2019 17:43

Alcohol is a depressant, his mood should lift if he ever managed to stop drinking (with medical support). In the mean time, he will destroy YOUR mental health with his antics.

AnotherEmma · 11/12/2019 18:21
Flowers

Based on the fact that he grabbed the wheel while you were driving, I hope you LTB. Or at least take a break and do a temporary separation while he sorts himself out (or doesn't).

VenusTiger · 11/12/2019 18:41

@Onalake just to give you a different view point - when my DH was diagnosed with severe depression many years ago, he drank with no limits, it was his escape (he didn’t care about himself at all) it was a side effect if you like to his depression.
He now has between 0-2 pints a week and has no issues with alcohol in the slightest. But those around him back then might’ve thought he was an alcoholic, he wasn’t, alcohol was how he numbed and blocked out all his dark feelings. Just a thought, but only you know best here.

MsNobodyHere · 11/12/2019 18:48

If he's determined to kill himself, there will be nothing you can do (I doubt he is, surely people who are genuinely suicidal and want to die would keep it very quiet as they wouldn't want to be stopped?) but I couldn't forgive him grabbing the wheel and risking your life too. That's shocking behaviourand depression doesn't excuse that in any way.

SourAndSnippy · 11/12/2019 19:13

Gosh OP, you poor thing.' I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I might be the only one but I feel for your husband too. Not for the drink driving; that's inexcusable but for the MH issues. I hope he gets the help he needs.

Motoko · 12/12/2019 08:23

People who really do want to end it all, don't usually tell anyone. That's why it often comes as a complete shock to those they leave behind.

I do think you should leave him, as what he's doing to you is abusive. I also don't think you should be driving him about, after what he did the other day. He could have killed you, or seriously injured you, leaving you with life changing injuries/disabilities. You were lucky that time, but may not be so lucky if he does it again.

Tricky with the business, but you might just have to take a hit with that. Your mental and physical health is far more important.

Motoko · 12/12/2019 10:45

OK, but I'm going by my experience with people with mental health. The people I know who have suicide ideation, (my DH being one) have said they don't actually want to die, they just want the pain and darkness to go away, and they want help. My cousin who actually did commit suicide, never told anyone. And she knew that the way she did it, there would be no possibility of anyone saving her. People didn't even realise she was suffering from depression, as she'd just split up with her boyfriend, so put her recent low mood down to that.

Anyway, I'm not the only one who said it, and even if OP's partner does decide to commit suicide, OP won't be able to stop him, and she shouldn't let him threatening it, stop her from leaving him because of guilt.
There comes a point when you have to look after yourself first.

RJnomore1 · 12/12/2019 11:13

Sorry I didn’t pick up on others saying it, however it’s completely wrong and very dangerous to spread. Please read the link. It’s a very common misconception and of course everyone is different but anyone threatening suicide should be taken seriously.

However I totally agree it shouldn’t be used as an emotional bargaining chip. You can contact the Samaritans and ask them to get in touch with someone you are worried about and they will do so without mentioning you if you ask.

Original poster
Onalake · 12/12/2019 11:23

This morning it is apparently my fault that he won't be able to work and I should have thought of that before I reported him to the police 🤦‍♀️

I did say that choosing him not being able to work v him potentially killing someone, well to most people it would be a no brainer. I will never be party to him killing someone.

OP posts:
Windygate · 12/12/2019 11:28

@Onalake it most certainly isn't your fault. You didn't cause this issue he did and he needs to face the consequences. I actually think you've been very brave and carried through your ultimatum.

Motoko · 12/12/2019 11:47

He's not taking responsibility for his actions, therefore no amount of help will help him.

Time for you to think about what you're going to do OP. Are you willing to put up with his blaming you, when he can't get to work for the next year?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 12/12/2019 12:02

@Motoko he has a mental health assessment tomorrow. He's unwell. Just back off a bit.
All of your comments are just dismissing his mental health completely.

If you have nothing productive to say just leave it.

pointythings · 12/12/2019 18:02

Blaming others for self-inflicted problem is very typical addict behaviour. My late husband blamed everyone but himself for his drinking - it was my fault for not wanting sex with him (because he stank of stale drink), it was our DDs' faults for not being good little girls anymore and actually daring to have opinions, it was his colleagues' fault for commenting when he made a mistake at work (because he was drinking at work). Never anything to do with him.

Tune it out, you did the right thing.

Original poster
Onalake · 12/12/2019 19:06

He hasn't had a drink since the night he got arrested. I think it gave him a huge shock. The nurse on duty rang me, with husband's permission, and said he (the nurse) didn't think my husband is an alcoholic, but is using it as a crutch to block out his mental health issues.

OH and I had a good chat this morning, both of us aired our views, and we are looking forward to his mental health assessment tomorrow. He has an hour long appointment, so hopefully they can see what he needs to get him on the road to recovery.

OP posts:
MitziK · 12/12/2019 20:59

Are you going into the toilet with him, then?

Because if there is a single second where he is not directly in your sight, there's a damn good chance he's drinking. In the cistern is a very common place, as is behind the kitchen kickboards, the glass of water he's got in front of him, the bottle of non alcoholic mouthwash or opaque shower gel...especially if he isn't rattling like fuck with withdrawal.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/12/2019 16:23

I hope the appointment went ok and you're getting the help he needs Thanks

Original poster
Onalake · 13/12/2019 18:52

He got back from his assessment having been in there over an hour and a half.

I think I was expecting too much, we wanted a way forward, but it was really an assessment so we have nothing to work on as yet. I and OH were a bit cross that the woman conducting the assessment has decide OH must have been abused as a child, and he is also a victim of abuse from me, as he has no aspirations of his own, he just goes along with things I want to do. As the instigator in our family I am therefore not allowing him a voice and an opinion - which couldn't be further from the truth, we discuss things and talk about everything.

I didn't go with OH by the way, the above is what he has relayed back to me. He is quite cross!

Oh, and the assessor also said I shouldn't have phoned the police the other night, and gave OH a number I can call to 'talk me down' when I ger worried about his whereabouts as he is a grown man and if he wants to take off he can do so.

Poor OH is more confused than he was before.

OH had also stopped drinking since the night he got arrested. The first day was bad, but the nurse at the police station said he is not an alcoholic but is depending on alcohol too much. Not sure that is the case, but the nurse said he could stop.

Sorry to ramble, not much to report really, in limbo at the moment.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/12/2019 18:59

The assessor sounds really unprofessional. I bet she's an MNer who shouts abuse at every opportunity.

I'm sure she'll think it's ok that he was drink driving when a drink driver kills her mother or son!

He sounds really rational for the most part. I'm glad you two can talk properly and that he hasn't drank for a few days.

How does his mood seem without the alcohol?