My husband is missing

[Onalake]

He has alcohol dependency and depression and has suicidal thoughts. I thought he was upstairs, looked out of the window and realised the car was gone. I have phoned the police who are looking for him. I am devasted, sitting here waiting for news is killing me

Hope you're ok, OP. Al-Anon really changed my whole outlook and made me see I always have choices.

@Gutterton

What has happened in the last year that has pushed him to such a extremes? Is there the possibility that he has an undiagnosed MH issue?

He is on meds for depression and has been for some time. It was a culmination of things I think, his work at the time, me working long hours and him being left to his own devices somewhere where the nearest neighbour is over a mile away and he was pretty much stranded when I had the car. He was bored, enjoyed the odd drink but it got out of control.

@MsDFye

In case it helps you to know this - AA, Al-anon and other 12 step meetings have all migrated online during lockdown. If you go to their respective websites you will find timetables of the meetings on offer, all over the country, which you can now attend from the comfort of your own home x

Thanks for letting me know, I will have a look online :)

@Apileofballyhoo

Hope you're ok, OP. Al-Anon really changed my whole outlook and made me see I always have choices.

I thought I was dealing with things now he has stopped drinking, but he will say or do something, and boom, I'm right back there I will definitely contact Al-Anon, I have tried to emotionally distance and he is trying so hard to make amends, but I am still struggling.

Dry drunk. Al-Anon helps with not having as much of a reaction to the addict's behaviour. The thing is he frightened you and you have a natural reaction to that of being nervous if you think he's going to get angry. You also have an anxiety of whether he'll start drinking again. How could you not?

Your emotions are all over the place anyway because of all the stress and anxiety. Be extremely kind to yourself. Check in with yourself to see what you are feeling. I learned HALT at Al-Anon - am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? It helps me to be in control of my emotions if I can name them and do something about them. Not much you can do with anger in the case of someone in the early stages of recovery except acknowledge to yourself you're feeling it (and give people the finger behind their back).

Lonely - I always think of this as lonely/sad have a good cry and feel sorry for yourself, ring a friend or family, contact Al-Anon, chat here.

Hungry and tired - fix the physical problem.

Self- care. Let him do whatever on his journey and you do your own journey.

Always have a plan B.

The way he is throwing himself into housework and renovations might indicate an addictive personality. He is replacing the drink with the work on the house. Which means he may not have lost the desire to drink but is just suppressing it by replacing the drug of choice.

Wishing you well - it’s so difficult for the partners / family of mentally unwell people ( in addition of course to the person the,selves!)

Mh nurse came in to see me afterwards and said you need to leave him, he's got no intention of suicide.

Bit of an odd thing for a mental health ‘professsional’ to tell a patient’s partner !

I hope it turns well, he continues to improve and if not, you find the courage to leave him.

The ‘reports‘ you have had from MH people are puzzling and honestly worth reporting, a good MH practitioner would try to get a patient to find responsibility in their own actions to help them find a way out of the situation rather than exacerbating the problem by installing a sense of victimhood that leaves them totally disempowered.

I know he has been nice recently, but if things get worse again, re read this thread while considering the possibility that your OH is a master manipulator who is not sick or alcoholic but trying to keep you under control, there is also the possibility he is behaving that nicely because now, with a driving ban and without a job he depends 100% on you to survive.