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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband is missing

234 replies

Onalake · 10/12/2019 16:10

He has alcohol dependency and depression and has suicidal thoughts. I thought he was upstairs, looked out of the window and realised the car was gone. I have phoned the police who are looking for him. I am devasted, sitting here waiting for news is killing me

OP posts:
Onalake · 15/12/2019 19:20

Since his appointment on Friday he has done nothing but drink. I am so disappointed that he hadnt had a drink since Tuesday night until his appointment on Friday. He really isn't coping very well at all, and he hasn't got his GP appointment until Wednesday :( I swing between feeling sorry for him as he has a mental illness, frustration at his inability to cope, and anger that I am left to deal with everything.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 15/12/2019 19:47

Sure he can do as he pleases...but if he chooses to drink and drive there are consequences
You are equally free to do as you please...including leaving him to himself....reporting him....
You cannot cure him
You dont have to live with a drunk and you dont have to be around for the consequences of his drinking

Fleetheart · 15/12/2019 20:03

This is the hardest thing; the rollercoaster, not knowing what to expect; the anger; the feeling sorry etc etc. Shall I tell you something... nothing will make a difference to him. Al anon will help you to see this and to detach with love. His problems belong to him and it is he who needs to deal with them. For me and my ex, my detachment was what prompted him to change. But of course by that time the detachment was totally authentic; I had realised that nothing I did made a difference to whether he drank or whether he didn’t . Hope it doesn’t take you as long as I did to come to this realisation OP.

MrsAJ27 · 15/12/2019 20:08

Can you hide the car keys so he can't drink and drive again?

Embracelife · 15/12/2019 20:50

He has to take responsibility
OP cannot be his keeper.

pointythings · 15/12/2019 21:18

I wish I could say I was surprised. But this is what they do. If they are made to face stressful things, they drink more. If he did see an assessor and she did say he wasn't an alcoholic, then she was clueless. Not her fault: unfortunately treatment for addiction has been outsourced by the NHS, which means that a lot of mental health practitioners these days don't have the skills they used to have in managing mental health problems running in tandem with addiction.

That does mean it is now more important than ever for you to get help for yourself. Look up Al-Anon online support and get stuck in. You have sadly got a lot of work to do, and none of it is about rescuing him - it's about helping yourself. It's all you can do.

MarkingTimeIm59 · 16/12/2019 07:46

As ever pointy your advice is absolutely spot on.

Fleetheart · 16/12/2019 07:56

I also reinforce what @pointythings has said. It is about looking after you. Support for you from people who know like al - anon. Personally, in my ex’s case, the GP and support services were worse than useless; they didn’t seem to recognise the difference between heavy drinking and the obsession that is addiction.

Onalake · 16/12/2019 14:25

Enough is enough. Yesterday he got falling over drunk and was again blaming his drinking on me and the stress my business brings. I did point out I have more stress with the business than he does and I don't drink, but of course that went straight over his head. I also pointed out that I don't pour alcohol down his throat, so blaming me was hardly fair.

I am in the process of winding up my business and moving to a new area. He was meant to be coming with me, but until he recognises he has a problem and will seek help, that isn't going to help.

I have lost everything as a result of his drinking and will probably have to declare myself bankrupt.

I am devastated.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 16/12/2019 14:46

Don’t take him with you, OP. He will drown you. Is there any way you can keep your business going and move him on elsewhere?

IM0GEN · 16/12/2019 14:56

I’m sorry Op. I know you have tried so hard to fix this but as you are finding out, you are powerless against alcohol.

I hope you can get some support for you and that you are able to start a new business in your new area.

Your husband won’t seek help until he reaches his rock bottom. And I’m afraid he might have a bit further to go before he hits it, so prepare yourself for drama and manipulation if you leave him.

You are saving him from the worst consequences of his drinking, so he won’t let you go without a fight. And addicts fight very dirty.

pointythings · 16/12/2019 15:05

You should absolutely not take him with you. Get that fresh start. Do still get support so that you can make peace with your decision to end it and move on. He may well throw a lot of drama your way but ultimately he is responsible for his own life.

SVRT19674 · 16/12/2019 15:32

Handhold op. And I thought I had a problem with husbands depression (treated) and his on off unemployment. I wish you the best of luck. All this sucks the happiness out of you, it is awful.

justilou1 · 17/12/2019 01:03

He has been lying to justify his decision to drink. He was planning for it. What an utter arse.

Fleetheart · 17/12/2019 06:43

It will be better for you both of you go alone. He will need to face the fact that you have made this decision because his drinking is affecting your life very badly. It is the right thing. Please try and get some RL support to help you stay strong; we all know how easy it is to be persuaded by an alcoholic.

Equanimitas · 22/12/2019 09:42

Oh, and the assessor also said I shouldn't have phoned the police the other night

I'd be tempted to contact the assessor to ask whether she really did say that. If she did, it's worth a formal complaint as she had no business condoning drink-driving.

Onalake · 22/12/2019 15:58

It has been several days since my last post, and since my decision that enough was enough.

This seemed to jolt my OH into seeing some sort of perspective and he asked me to take him to the doctors. He acknowledged he needs help. He shouldered all the blame. He asked the doctor for help.

He is now on medication to alleviate the withdrawal syptoms and hasn't had a drink since. I went in to see the doctor before OH and asked him not to pussyfoot around OH. The doctor, bless him, was amazing, unlike the last one who basically patted him on the head with a 'there, there' and gave OH justification as to why he was drinking.

The meds are for short term use only, but will hopefully get us through Christmas and New Year. At least now OH is sober, and without withdrawal symptoms he does see reason and can comprehend the impact and potential outcome of his drinking.

Regarding the assessor and her comments - I now don't think she has done anything wrong. In speaking about the appointment in more depth, it appears that OH's interpretation of things that were said was skewed to say the least. He was twisting her words in his mind to justify continuing to drink. While he was sober when he went to the meeting, his mind was, and still is to a degree, rather mashed.

So, we will see. He knows and understands the consequences of him returning to drink, for his health, our relationship and his future. He does struggle, we have just got back from the supermarket and he said the temptation to pick up some cans when he walked down the alcohol aisle was difficult to resist. But he did resist 🙂 Baby steps.

OP posts:
Perpetuallysingle · 22/12/2019 16:01

I'm sorry.... Thinking of you and hope he comes home safely and soon Flowers

Redglitter · 22/12/2019 16:04

Ffs perpetuallysingle RTFT things have moved on considerably since the OP which was TWO WEEKS AGO

Perpetuallysingle · 22/12/2019 16:13

Jeez @redglitter ....it was a genuine mistake, I didn't want or mean to upset anyone.

My apologies OP, the thread was at top of page and I didn't notice the date. Sorry again.

Sweetpeach3 · 22/12/2019 16:15

Hope your okay op and your dh gets some help now xx

nachthexe · 22/12/2019 16:32

I wish you all the luck in the world op. You will need it. Right now he is still controlling you by being contrite and doing what you want. Not to be deliberately manipulative, but to keep you there for him. He’ll manage to toe the line, at least outwardly, until the next time he can’t do it and gets blind drunk, and the cycle of you threatening to leave and him apologizing and taking responsibility will continue.
Alcoholism is a bloody tragedy for everyone, and will affect you just as much as him.
Did he lose his license in the end?
It took my lovely friend about eight years to completely destroy her husband with her drinking/ suicide threats/ it’s all your fault/ it’s my fault etc etc. This was five years after she had successfully been through rehab the first time. She’s still alive and drinking her life away, and he’s a shell of a man.
Do access the al-anon services in order to keep your perspective, and ensure you are honest - he drove drunk, he tried to kill you, etc. If you can make a physical meeting once a month (more often if you need it) and use the online meetings in the interim, you won’t feel so alone.
I would also be working on getting your business into some sort of shape where it would be possible to leave if you need to for your own mental health.
You don’t have to stay with him. If you choose to, make sure you build a support network and an escape route.

Fleetheart · 22/12/2019 17:39

I’m glad the GP has been helpful. Stick to your resolve; his battle not yours. Keep going to al anon, it’s so important that you don’t get blown away every time he relapses. I think what you said about the twisted thinking of alcoholics is absolutely right, they justify and deny any problem whenever they can, also there is always someone else to blame for their drinking “if you hadn’t done xxxx then I wouldn’t need to drink” etc.

TheMamaYo · 30/12/2019 13:00

How did go over Christmas Onalake?

Beelzebop · 30/12/2019 13:25

I absolutely hate alcohol. I hope all is well OP.

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