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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is missing

234 replies

Onalake · 10/12/2019 16:10

He has alcohol dependency and depression and has suicidal thoughts. I thought he was upstairs, looked out of the window and realised the car was gone. I have phoned the police who are looking for him. I am devasted, sitting here waiting for news is killing me

OP posts:
Lunde · 10/12/2019 22:36

Hope you are doing OK

Has there been any news from the Police station?

Original poster
Onalake · 11/12/2019 02:58

The police dropped him home at 1.30am. He had blown 75 at the police station, with 35 being the drink drive limit. He isn't talking to me as it is all my fault apparently.

OP posts:
Greenkit · 11/12/2019 03:04

That's a year ban and it's his fault

justilou1 · 11/12/2019 03:31

I am so pleased he’s been found physically safe, OP. Please don’t take any of his blame on board. This was entirely his decision to drink and drive, and I am sure you know this. I think you both could do with some counselling to help with his depression. Please get to the GP ASAP for some help with this. Big hugs!!!

dreichXmas · 11/12/2019 03:42

It is obviously not your fault OP, in any way.

Hope you get some decent sleep tonight.

kateandme · 11/12/2019 04:37

its nont your fault op.he will know this.he is reacting and then reacting.and out sourcing that to the only person he knows will take it from him because you know how horrible hes feeling.
could this be a time to talk things through again?you say he is being asessed? as this tomorrow? make sure they know of this recent happenings.he needs to force upon them his need for help.hes spiraling and this tongiht was a big spiral.going out that far over was wreckless for both him and others.and im thinking possible he was so over the limit so he could go out not caring whether he lived or not and perhaps even this being his goal?
hae they banned him?
your family arent close.but could you call them?

Apolloanddaphne · 11/12/2019 04:59

It is not your fault. You didn't make him drive whilst drunk. You were concerned for his safety. Hopefully he will see this soon and it will be the wake up call he needs. You are going to need a lot of strength and support over the next while to get through this. We are here for you.

kristallen · 11/12/2019 05:15

Gosh OP it is not your fault, in any way. He's very lucky he didn't kill or seriously injure anybody (even though it sounds like you're remote so hopefully there aren't many cars on the roads).

It's an awful situation but you did absolutely the right thing.

Thanks
Unescorted · 11/12/2019 05:50

Can I say thank you. My Ds was knocked off his bike by a drink driver. There are no excuses and the fault lies with the person drinking the drink and getting into the car. Thiers alone. Your actions could well have saved a life.

Thankfully my ds is fine now , but it could have been so much worse.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 11/12/2019 05:57

Don't let him tell you it's your fault.

Friday will be here before you know it then hopefully he can get the help he needs x

Considermesometimes · 11/12/2019 06:32

Automatic ban, you need to make other arrangements for getting to and from the court.

He needs to book an app with the GP to discuss his alcohol addiction, and getting some professional help in place before it is too late.

Marnie76 · 11/12/2019 06:37

He was drink driving, that can only ever be his fault. He should thank you and the police for catching him before he hurt someone. Hopefully once he’s had a sleep he’ll realise that himself. I hope you’ll both be ok and he’ll get the help he needs.

Bowerbird5 · 11/12/2019 07:00

I thank you for phoning them and telling them. It must have been difficult for you but the worry outweighed everything else.

A man walking his dog saw a young lad sitting drinking cans in his car and didn’t want to get involved or phone the police.

The young man got drunk and jumped off a high bridge. No one knows why. He was my son’s friend. The older ones were friend with his brother. His family are devastated and my son wishes he contacted him. He was a quiet, deep lad like my son which is why they got on. They had gone to Secondary school together. If only the man had phoned the police.

ineedaholiday11 · 11/12/2019 07:27

This isn't your fault, it's his.

Taking aside the depression/ alcohol dependency, he could have killed someone by his actions.

Sounds like a ban may be a good thing and is a better outcome considering what could have happened (ie) killing someone and then going to prison for manslaughter.

ScreamingLadySutch · 11/12/2019 07:53

Do go to Al-Anon.

Be brave, find your nearest meeting and walk through that door. You will be surrounded by people who understand you in a way no other people do.

They have all lived your story, and together you learn to look after yourself, and leave the addict to live their own lives. It is surprisingly respectful and loving.

I have just had a conversation in which I found just how much the 12 Steps has helped me.

I was listening to someone who is being manipulated by an addict (not family member).
It was amazing how as she fell for the excuses, I could see what the real behaviour was.
It isn't about not caring, it is about boundaries and allowing other people to experience the results of their own choices. It is a quiet, gentle strength.

Free group therapy for a £5 donation, that is what it is.

KristinaM · 11/12/2019 07:57

Listen to @ScreamingLadySutch

You need support for you.

pointythings · 11/12/2019 08:38

He chose to drink and drive. His fault, not yours. Addicts find it hard to take responsibility, it's part of the illness. But don't let him get away with blaming you.

Orangeblossom78 · 11/12/2019 08:41

I have read that it sometimes takes a crisis like this to stop people drinking

Original poster
Onalake · 11/12/2019 10:52

Well, he is very subdued this morning, says he isn't angry with me but not really talking. He has said he might get off a ban if he tells the court he needs the car for work and we live in an isolated location (nearest bus stop 6 miles away). I explained that that won't cut it it, that it is an automatic ban of a minimum of 12 months and he needs to just suck it up.

He has his first appointment with the mental health team on Friday, so we will se how that goes.

I have looked at Al-Anon, but the nearest meeting is 40 miles away :(

OP posts:
LemonTT · 11/12/2019 11:01

I’m sure Al Anon offer online and telephone support.

Orangeblossom78 · 11/12/2019 13:18

He probably won't be able to drink on antidepressants anyway. Maybe a good thing

Original poster
Onalake · 11/12/2019 13:25

Orangeblossom, he is already on anti depressants, has been for a couple of years now.

OP posts:
SunnyCoco · 11/12/2019 13:25

Thank you for taking action

My friend was killed by a drink driver

You could well have saved someone's life

Original poster
Onalake · 11/12/2019 13:40

SunnyCoco, when he started drinking I told him I would call the police as soon as he got in the drivers seat. I would not, and will not be party to him injuring or killing someone.

As well as him driving drunk I was concerned about his wellbeing as driving his car off the road has been his 'preferred way of killing himself when he has spoken of doing so. I posted on here a week or two ago after he grabbed the steering wheel when I was driving in a bid to get us off the road. I got him to the gp the day after, which reulted in his referral to the mental health team.

I am drained. I can't help him, and through trying to do so have lost everything.

OP posts:
PragmaticWench · 11/12/2019 14:18

You won't lose everything OP, although it may feel that you're emotionally at point zero right now. I'm not surprised you're exhausted, this is too much for you alone to fix, you need support for yourself.

Do call Al-Anon, they are there to help.

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