Dating thread 176 - where we get through Christmas with team carpark updates

[NoMoreWeepingAndWanking]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Iron is a date or potential date. As in havibg "several irons in the fire"

I think any of the sites really 🤷🏼‍♀️ As long. As you say that’s what you Want to people. I think for most people especially parents once a week is the norm

@midthirtiesandsingle tell him, there's nothing to lose. Maybe seeing you with someone else has made him think a bit.

Who knows anyway but good luck! I wish I'd told my FWB how I felt sooner

Shitwith I haven’t been on for a while but just wanted to send a hug. Definitely spend time with dd today. Mine go to their dad for a week tonight. Dreading it

@shitwithsugaron really sorry to hear it didnt work out, but at least having given it a final go you won't spend time wondering if you should have. Sending virtual hugs and and post on here Christmas morning with a glass of bubbly in your hand, I'll be on my own too in the morning so doing the same
@midthirtiesandsingle I'd like to agree with others that you have nothing to lose, but his message really just says he wants an explanation. I think if he felt the same, after seeing you with somebody else then he'd say so or at least say he's missing you. Just my opinion 🤷‍♂️

@shitwithsugaron I'm sorry to hear about you and Mr B as I know you were hoping to give things another go. You tried and it didn't work and hopefully now you can gradually put him behind you and move on. Does your mum know?
I can understand your feelings re Xmas eve/morning as I thought I would be the same until my ex decided not to be a dick and told me I should have them as it was him who broke our family up.
A question for those who are divorced/in the process...a very basic question but how did you go about a divorce? Was it through solicitors/on line/something else? It's 2 years in a few days since me and ex separated and we agreed to wait two years. I don't feel a massive urgency to divorce but thinking maybe I should get the ball rolling. I want to keep costs as low as possible but obviously we have joint assets/kids so that needs sorting. I just feel so daunted by it all!

@Sunshineandflipflops in terms of who to use it probably depends on how simple the finances and access will be to agree. If there is likely to be any wrangling then I would use a solicitor. If it's already agreed as mine was then I used DivorceOnline.
Worth a look at their website anyway as there's quite a bit of info about the process on there.

@Ant330 Well I think we're sorted regarding the kids but I haven't got a clue when it comes to the finances really. Will take a look, thanks.

@shitwithsugaron sorry to hear this. It sounded like it had been brewing for a while. But I know it doesn't make it any easier. And you are never alone when we have the thread!!

@midthirtiesandsingle I'd say to Mr RR that you think your feelings were in different places and you have protected yourself by ending things. If he has feelings then he will say. And he will see that he shouldn't mess with you. Assuming he's not a dick.

@Sunshineandflipflops I used a solicitor. My ex was a dick. It cost me money I don't have plus we didn't agree a clean break so at some point it may crop up again. I choose not to worry about that right now though.

I find it a mix of heart warming and sad seeing you planning to co parent at Xmas. I'm pleased I've never had to wake up on Xmas mornings without my children but sad they have grown up without a dad.

On iron news. I've had a recent date with Mr B. It was nice. I will see him again. Will see what's what now I have firmly put Mr S behind me.

Sunshineandflipflops I tried mediation first and that was a disaster so then I hired a solicitor and to be honest, it hasn't been terribly efficient. Mostly because my ex keeps dragging his feet and I just have little sense of what I'm entitled to. Right now my solicitor and his solicitor have made polar opposite proposals and I don't see how we're going to meet somewhere reasonable... but we'll see.
Mediation can work if there is a fairly equal power balance between you but in my case there wasn't, so I felt bullied and intimidated.
You can hire a solicitor for initial advice, sort out the rest through mediation and then get your solicitor to check it over afterwards to verify it's ok.

Solicitors just seem to get so expensive so quickly though and I don't have the money. I went to see one for some initial advice after we separated and even that cost into the hundreds of pounds

I'm certainly not going to get myself into debt because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

@Notcoolmum As me and ex have got the kids joint presents this year (they wanted expensive things each) then we decided he should come round on Xmas morning, very early (my 12 year old is an early riser!) with those presents and we will both watch them open them.
He'll probably stay for a drink or two/some breakfast and then he will leave and pick them up at about 6pm form my parents, where we will be by then having had Xmas dinner. He will have them until a similar time on boxing day.
Yes I'd rather not spend Xmas with him but the kids will love it and he loves them just as much as I do.

@Zzzz19 I used Tinder initially. The benefit is its wide range of people but you do have to weed out the weirdos and sex pests (and I say that having gone on with casual sex in mind but some people were super explicit in their opening message - I do require at least a drink first).

I also tried bumble which is where the women choose. That one was ok but not as many responses. Be sure to use a good photo (preferably not a selfie) and put some useful information on. I added that I had kids because I didn't want people later turning me down when they found out.
Some people put photos up WITH their kids and I found that a bit weird. It's a dating site. I'm looking for sex and maybe a bit of romance and seeing someone's kids is just out of context...

sunshine I downloaded the forms online and had just one meeting with a solicitor to check that what I was doing was the right process. Ex and I agreed to split the bills so altogether we paid about £500 each. BUT our finances were already separate, we had two properties of roughly equal net value and DC were adults. Even so I probably fucked myself over a bit. Meh. In your position, and seeing as relations are good with your ex, I would sit down with him first and work out how to go about things. Consider going to a solicitor together in the first instance to set the ball rolling. Divorce doesn’t have to be a fight to the death (unlike what many legal professionals choose to believe) or hideously expensive but it does have to be done right.

zzzzz19 I found my one night a week lover on FabSwingers in among all the extraordinary weirdos 😂

Question - do you think attraction can grow?

I’ve met someone twice in the last 2 days and after three years of dating wankers and someone very evil he is a breath of fresh air. He’s a perfect life fit, makes it clear he REALLY likes me, we spent 7hrs together and it was fun, calm felt like falling into something with him would be so easy. He’s a genuinely lovely amazing intelligent funny caring helpful kind man for the first time ever!

BUT there is just no spark there for me, he’s too gentle and I just didn’t get the electric, he did say after he was really nervous but he’s not a great kisser (we only kissed). I spent years married to someone I didn’t have a sexual connection with and I’ve been enjoying the amazing sex with other people who really gave me the electric! Trouble is they were all damaged or wankers

I will see him again but do you think it could get better? Or am I destined to only have good sex with men that will never be good men! ARGH

@Sunshineandflipflops I think it's great you can do that. I meant to say sad/happy at reading how ALL of you are navigating Xmas. I do wish my kids had a decent dad in their lives.

Mr S spent Xmas day with his family which I found unusual but then I've heard of a few more men that do that so maybe it is quite common these days.

@Sunshineandflipflops I've just sorted my divorce - I did it all online through the government website, paid my £550 and my nisi is being heard on 28th Jan then I'll get my absolute 6 weeks and 1 day later. I'm divorcing my husband because of unreasonable behaviour...he signed the papers but said he didn't agree with the reasons I had given. It was all straightforward as I don't want anything from him and have walked away from the house

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking thanks
@Tigerdater and Spritesobright I totally agree about pics of kids it's an invasion of their privacy and I have kids but will tell people in my own time. I have tried both and found people to be quite fickle all keen then go quiet. It's time consuming wading through the idiots and the dick pics.

Whoever booked my kids in for supervised contact over the Christmas period is on my shit list. I hate them.

I should be wrapping presents and looking forward to their time off school and I'm just full of dread and grumpiness and taking it out on them, because that's fair and reasonable right. Fucksake. 2019 can do one.

Notcoolmum thanks for giving me some perspective on having to share my children over the holidays. Yes, it's a bit rubbish for me but actually for the DC they value that time with their father and I shouldn't begrudge them that. I also value his role as a co-parent (even if he was a shitty husband). I'm sorry your ex has been a vacant parent. I don't understand how people can walk away from their children. But at least they have your love and support, which is more than enough I'm sure.

Sunshine I totally get why you don't want to spend loads of money. In my case, what my ex was proposing would have left me seriously out of pocket. He is a very high earner and I work part-time in a job that has been limited by banks of maternity leave.
But as long as you do your research on it, you should be able to arrive at a fair settlement.

You both have to fill in a form E anyways with all your finances on it so you will get full disclosure of the assets (unless he hides them, which some men do).

sleepy it’s impossible to say whether attraction will grow, everyone’s different. No buzz from a kiss is not a great start though, sorry 😐