Dating thread 176 - where we get through Christmas with team carpark updates

[NoMoreWeepingAndWanking]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@shitwithsugaron I might be projecting here but is your mum abusive? Mine was emotionally and occasionally physically abusive and I have gone nc a few times and set boundaries which she follows 90% of the time because she wants to see her grandchildren. In the past she has blown up at me because of my exh, she was not happy with the way he treated me - even though he treated me really well and I would say I had a happy marriage until he left. He left in an awful way and guess what - she's best friends with him now and when I invite her to visit me will invite him to join us!

I just wondered if there is something with these people that they like to have some kind of power over us and don't like it if they feel someone else has taken their position.

Obviously ignore me if this is completely wrong in your case!

shit my mum didn’t like my ex (a few years ago), I was angry and upset with her, I stoped seeing her and had to avoid taking dp anywhere near her, was sure she was totally wrong. Now my mum usually gets on with everyone, when I was a teenager I dated someone who had been in prison and she even got on on well with him. I really wish I had listened to my mum as she was right to be wary, I was totally blind to what dp was doing to me but he was slowly destroying my mental health, my confidence and was brain washing me. I ended up a total mess and he ended up sexually assaulting me. I’m not saying your mum is right but her senses maybe telling her something isn’t right.

@tigerdater I am so disappointed that two strangers to me have not had a Christmas romance

So my dilemma is what to put on Mr R's Christmas card and present gift cards. Do I stay 'love stealth' or just 'stealth'? It's been 7 months now. Why won't he just say it first? (Hmmm, what if he doesn't love me?)

Hi, was wondering if I could join. I've been lurking for a week or two and feeling like it would be nice to discuss dating but also some posters seem to be in similar situation to me (waves at Sunshineandflipflops from another relationships thread).

So basically, my STBXH and I separated 18 months ago - he had a mid-life crisis, "I don't love you anymore, marriage isn't exciting" 180 turn about and left. And of course he was having an affair as well.
Shortly afterwards, I went on Tinder just looking for something casual and fun, because I was still definitely not over my ex.
Six dates in I met someone I really clicked with. We were both looking for something "not serious" but within a month had told each other we were falling in love.
So yeah, I had already broken the dating thread rules...
We had a somewhat bumpy start but a year later we're still together and it's great. Except I'm still not divorced and he's still not divorced (both working on it) and it's quite surreal falling in love again when you had your heart stomped on in your previous relationship (ex and I were married 15 years and have 2 DC).
Is it ok to join the dating thread if, actually, you've been dating over a year...? But it's complicated

Oh, and I shall call my iron "Mr Not so serious" given his previous tinder profile..

Go for broke, stealth!! I sign off with "love" for friends and family, so why not a boyfriend?

@Spritesobright go for it and join in!!

I'm glad you're okay shitwith. I'm always shocked to find I'm older than people on the threads mothers! But what it's worth, I always say to my adult DC that I'll support his decision and that I'm there for him! He's a grown up!!

Weekly update from me on The Smitten Bench.

So MrDr stayed over last night and we had a lovely evening together, planning Christmas etc.

Then later on we exchanged the L word

I said it first and before I could finish, he said "I love you too and have been wanting to say it for a while".

A year ago I would never have contemplated this happening as I was a resolute singleton. I know this sounds rose tinted glasses, but I am very much sure this relationship feels 'right'. It is literally the first relationship I've had with no bloody drama from the start, no messing about, no games or second guessing. It is very refreshing!

@shitwithsugaron Sorry but what he did was abusive and he involved your family. Her reaction might not be the most helpful but I can tell you in her position i'd probably have a difficult reaction to it as well. You're saying you played a part in it but that's not how it read in your description. It's also not untypical in relationships for partners to rationalise and make excuses for abusive behaviour

I guess i'm saying, yes you're an adult who can make her choices but you can't possibly expect your mother to be neutral about that choice.

Hi @Spritesobright and yes, please do join us! There are a few of us on here who are now in relationships but are still cheering others on and coming back for advice/rants.

I'm glad you are happy...I think our situations were similar and at similar times.

@BatshitCrazyWoman even if you thought he was in an abusive relationship? I think that would cross the line for me. Particularly if I was brought into, and witnessed, an abusive incident. And if my grandchildren were involved, even more so. My mum kept her mouth shut about my husband and we just became very distant. I don't know if I'd have listened if she'd have talked to me. But in hindsight I wish she had tried.

I don't think the way @shitwithsugaron 'a mum is going about it is he best way. But I can understand her not wanting to spend time with and B and pretend to be happy families when she has witnessed him being abusive to her daughter.

Aw, how lovely, @PinkMonkeyBird!! Happy for you.

Update for me is - 9 more days til Mr G is in the country!! My stupid brain conjured up a dream about my ex-FB last night for some reason. I'm annoyed that he is taking up brain space because I don't even like him. Sigh. But Mr G himself remains lovely and supportive. I fell asleep waiting for his call last night and answered the phone half awake. He just said he was happy to hear my voice and ended the call quickly so I could get back to sleep. I know it's a little thing, but he doesn't like to monopolise my time or make my life harder and I really appreciate that about him.

In non-dating news, I'm really excited about school finishing, I have been doing well with my studies and in my job, and I feel pretty good about things overall. I think 2020 is going to be a brilliant year.

Notcool I would say, with love, what I thought, but I wouldn't stop speaking to him if he didn't do what I thought he should.

I 100% agree with batshit. With grownup DC, as a mum my role is to support and advise. If advice/thoughts aren’t heard or appreciated, that doesn’t mean support is withdrawn. I can’t imagine Stopping speaking to my DDs, however pig-headed or even mean they are.

Thanks, stealth you and me both on the disappointment front!

Thanks pinkmonkeybird and I got a lovely warm glow from your update. That is so sweet and I love how he jumped in to join you. It certainly sounds great.

I have that "right" feeling about Mr NSS (not so serious, ha ha) it's just all the other stuff around us that is complicated but not insurmountable.
Sunshineandflipflops I remember you saying something about how you and your new guy were both at similar points post break-up and it was crucial to understanding what each other were going through. You had a nice turn of phrase with it that stuck with me and I 'got it.'

Last week my ex introduced my children to the OW and I felt shitty about it for about a day. Mr NSS understands that because he went through the same and he knows it's not because I'm not over my ex. But reminders of his betrayal and the involvement of the children still sting.
All the mum stuff on here sounds familiar. Shitwithsugaron my mum similarly seems to think that I should find a man to 'take care of me' and I spend a lot of time trying not to repeat her relationship patterns.

I saw Mr Gray last night and similar to a few above it feels a bit meh. Like I like him and everything is good but it always seems the same and not going anywhere 🤷🏼‍♀️. I won’t be able to see him now until kids go back to school as we don’t have a matching kid free Evening. So that’s 3 weeks really and I think it will just fizzle out over that time. Which is fine really as I’ve had fun and it’s made me feel better about myself and that I’m not broken in terms of sex 😂 everything works ok still

@shitwithsugaron I don't think she's disgusted with you, I think she's just probably incredibly worried for you.

I think it must be so tough to be parents to adults, I don't think you can win at times. It's not your place to tell your DC what to do and it must be hard to stand by and watch certain things. I realise how horrible it must have been for my mum witnessing my ex's behaviour to me.

Abuse in relationships really scares me. I have to say, my test is always what would Women's Aid say to me? What would my IDVA advise?

shitwith sorry is she not talking to you as well as mr b? I might have missed that bit

Jane that sounds like a really healthy way to look at it. It was fun, and useful in its way, but not meant to be.
I remember wondering how I would ever have sex with someone other than my ex, and was similarly relieved when the plumbing still worked ☺️
I am finding post-marriage sex really freaking fantastic actually. I remember a point in my marriage thinking I just wasn't interested in sex anymore and resigning myself to that belief.
Oh my god, was I wrong!!

As a mother to 2 grown up children (probably older than some of you) with children of their own, I can tell you that they have never stopped being my babies. I stay out of their private lives unless asked - however my son has just left his wife (no-one else involved - just had enough of the rows), and I have found it very hard. They have a 5 year old son, and I am upset he is going to grow up with separated parents, as well as the fact that I am extremely fond of my DIL as she is of me. They know that no whatever what happens I will be there for them - it was much easier when they were little!

BTW - they have met a few of my male friends, and really disliked my last one (2 years) - just didn't tell me until after I finished with him and were always very welcoming so it works both ways.