How do you date a guy that earns a lot more than you but you like to go dutch but can't keep up?

[mummytippy]

So I started seeing a guy at the end of Sept... we went out for drinks, then a couple of meals... but my income means I can't go out as much as he'd like to because I'm on a very tight budget. I have a 13 yo and he has an 8 yo. He earns approx 4 times more than me (not his fault and I don't resent this). Because of my money situ, I suggested I cook a meal. I didn't say I'm on cruddy wages/with high outgoings, namely my rent, I just said I've had a lot to pay out recently so do you fancy coming to mine for a meal this time. In return he then cooked at his place/got a take away, I bought the wine. Problem I have now is we seem to be staying in all the time. He'll suggest cooking at mine mostly as his dc lives mainly with mum and I don't like to leave my 13 yo.
Also, the other day he said he was going to re-join the gym (turns out same gym I'm at) so I asked him to mention my name (free month for the referral worth £19 and I would have bought him a drink). When I asked him if he'd joined he said yes, but he was sorry he'd done a black Friday deal instead of mentioning my name... 2 months free... obv a better deal but he'd see me right. I don't like to admit this but it really annoyed me! Tomorrow he's suggested us going out and I as usual I have no money. Thoughts and ideas welcome to try and set some sort of way forward for us before we just stay in all the time as we've been out for 2 meals so far and 3 lots of drinks in 2 months. He's also stayed at mine with his dc and we've stayed in and done done pizza night etc. Last weekend he was away in Spain on a lads weekend which was arranged after we'd been dating about a month... he bought me a bottle of Baileys in Duty Free. I just feel like we've skipped dating and I'm not being wooed... how do I say something? Any thoughts welcome. Thanks in advance.

SophieSong that isn’t the case at all. I don’t want someone to just pay for nights out and buy alcohol! I’d just like to be treated once in a while. My beau isn’t short of money and now it’s Xmas it would be nice to have at least one meal out planned aside from my work’s Xmas Do. That’s all.

Hi outtherealone

Believe it or not, when you have no money you do become obsessed with it. Or rather the fact you don’t have any.

I don’t mind staying in. I just don’t want every date to be like a bunk up.

KatherineJaneway

That’s my fear.

Why do you keep cooking for him?

I think you are overthinking the gin, you said you didn't want it so he took it home. Not a big deal tbh. There was a huge difference in wages when I met my now dh, i was a struggling single mum him a high earner and we never needed a chat. He just got it, we went out once a month or so and I paid half, on days out we took pack lunches and flasks of coffee and did free walks, he never asked but he did things weren't the same for me as they were for him. He did treat me obviously and when I could I treated him back but I didn't need to have a chat etc he was an adult and understood two children and a part time job didn't match what he had and he never made me feel awkward. I think your boyfriend suggesting nights in is the way fwd, we did a lot of this, and tbh fair as he shouldn't be paying every night out

Based on your description of what’s happening next week: your work xmas do, your mate’s party, what is it you want him to pay for here?

Tbh bit confused as those aren’t dates/being treated , they are things you have on your social calendar that he’s accompanying you to.. I mean in a normal world u guys would split for the cab home, he might offer some petrol money ( but it’s your friends do so I wouldn’t even expect that) and maybe buy each other a couple of drinks in the pub? And you should both bring something for your mate’s party. What are you thinking is the fair answer to your question?

Hi wateringtrees I keep cooking as I can’t afford to always go Dutch if we go out.

KissKiss what you’ve said I agree is fair and what I thought myself.
I’ve bought a bottle of Prosecco to take to my friends. And yes we’ll buy each other drinks in the pub and share the taxi fair. Someone actually said to me if he drinks pints and I drink halves... he should actually buy 2 rounds to my 1 ?!?!

CheninBlanc Sounds like you are/were in a similar situ. I’m happy to stay in to save money but I just feel like he’s constantly at mine and I’m cooking. Maybe 1 date night out where I can try to go Dutch is the way forward.

Can't he cook for you at yours sometimes? Or do you only want to go out more

Mummytippy I think your flogging a dead horse, here most of the posters have no interest in your reasonable explanations .....either because they haven't bothered to read the whole thread or likely some just like to be goady and keep pushing back to your replies,
Your not unreasonable i don't think your expecting him to subsidise you ,but just to recognise the disparity in income and to maybe occasionally acknowledge this in thought or deed

You sound massively hard work and obsessed with what he’s spending (or not) on you. You also sound a bit like you hate him and you’ve only been dating 3 months.

Seriously, I’d just leave it. Falling in love shouldn’t be this hard

Well, your recent post says you told him you couldn't afford to go out. He says he's happy staying in. So you said it's be nice to go out sometimes. You couldn't be .ore obviously trying to tell him that you want him to pay for you.

The gin thing wouldn't event register. He didn't take it out of the bag as it was t needed, so when he picked his bag up to go it went with him. This makes you sound a little self absorbed.

Why don't you suggest something? A cheap meal? The cinema? Something you can control the cost of.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Most dates I've been on the man has paid for the meal and I've done drinks/Ubers etc. But I still think what is unreasonable is involving your son in a relationship that has barely started with a man you don't seem too interested in. You have also fine very coupley very quickly. I couldn't imagine taking someone I've been seeing for 3 months as my plus one.

So you're providing him with a free meal every time now? I'll bet he doesn't mind staying in! I'd stop this dynamic entirely. Google dates that don't involve you're cooking for him or spending money.

Thing is, if you keep cooking, you are paying - for the food, the electricity, the heating, probably also the hot water for his shower in the morning, and so on.

It is not unreasonable if you are short of money to be aware of this. You may be saving on going out, but you are paying. I guess if he brings the wine, that evens it out a bit. But he is still letting you do the work and no doubt pay for the food etc.

I think the issue over contact does not show him in a good light. He has gone from every weekend to every other weekend, but he was potentially going to have no weekends.

Badmouthing his child’s mother at the same time as leaving her to do more childcare does not show him in a good light either.

You have explained why the situation has moved so fast with your DS being there as well - I would imagine this situation suits him quite well - you are doing all the work, paying for most of what you both need and he does not seem a giving type of person. You are doing all the giving, it seems to me.

I think the issue with the gin is that he is taking from you but limiting his giving; whereas you have given without enough limitations to the extent that this man is staying in your home when you have a DS, eating your cooking, sleeping in your bed, but does not seem to take into account what you really want. I would definitely be pulling back from this.

I genuinely could not be arsed with this guy or the financial situ... You simply cannot afford him.. so kick it to the kerb..

A PP suggested you tell him you want to alternate planning and paying for dates which sounded like a good way forward to me.

I invisioned it like, you plan one could be cheap outing like a picnic and a walk or cooking at home and he does the next, so if he came to your house for the next he'd either need to cook himself or pay for takeaway for everyone. That would be a lot fairer. Right now it sounds like you're paying for him and cooking a lot, which isn't an equitable way to do things.

Way to much to soon.

Youve been seeing each other afew months and both kids are involved, and he is actually changing the amount of time he is spending with his child for you.
Thats a big no, the child will resent you and you will never build a relationship.

Kids come first... This is wrong on so many levels

I believe I totally know your problem..... and you need to be honest with yourself.

You can't afford to date.

It's that simple.

Now, can you afford not to ? I mean, can you go without dating in your life ?

That's the question. My gut feeling is that you want to be in a relationship.

I have been in a similar situation as yours, and finally came to the conclusion that I was a great catch, a great person etc etc, but not dateable while being in the financial situation I was in at the time. So I stopped dating, to sort myself out.

Maybe, just maybe, you might be best doing the same.

PS - Your issues with money are seeping into all areas of your life, I know, I've been there and it doesn't surprise me that you got miffed about the gym, the gin etc etc. One day, when you're out of your financial difficulties, you'll look back on those instances and realise how 'crazily' you were thinking back then, compared to your new self. But you're not there yet. Again, I speak from experience.

Best of luck!

PS - I'm a male.

I agree with you OP when you say that when you don’t have much money you become obsessed with it. I find that when we do not have much everything revolves around it. It’s very taboo to talk about money and I find there’s almost noone I can talk to about it without it being made an issue.
Working out how you will pay for this and that. And when you put all your energy into buying cheap, budgeting, and going without and then someone says “we’re splitting the meal” it shits all over it, and they don’t even realise, and if they do they think you’re tight. And you want to say, look, I have 5 pair of pants and 3 of those have a hole in, and this is the only meal out I’m having this year and I chose not to have a starter and had a soft drink and now you’re expecting me to pay for your champagne and steak!
It’s the loss of control that comes with going out with someone else or friends when day to day you are so controlled because you have to be and that’s how you survive. You feel obliged to fit with social norms. But reality is you’re a single parent in a low income at the moment. That’s just too hard.
I think you did the right thing speaking to him but I think you need to carry on being honest. You can pull back a bit. You can say I don’t want you to stay over when you’re on an early start because I need my sleep. You can say, I like to cook for you but can we alternate so that you bring and cook the food every other time.
It’s as much about setting boundaries and seeing if he respects them as it is about money.
Think less about how to please and accommodate him and think more on whether you like him and how he reacts when you say no.

Op I'm 19 months into a relationship with a partner who has far more disposable income than me.

The way we have worked it is as follows:-
First few months if he picked the date, he paid and I did the same. My dates were cheaper (sometimes free) visits to museums, walks in parks with a picnic etc.

As we've progressed we have fell into a bit of a routine. I will cook for us both a couple of times a week and he mostly pays when we go out for meals etc. I will treat is to coffees out. I will also offer to buy the odd round of drinks or pay for the taxi.

He turned up at mine this week with bottles of nice wine for over Xmas.

He will also treat us to weekends away, probably about five in last 19 months and a trip to New York for my birthday.

It was his birthday this week and I've saved for us to have a night away and go to an event I know he will love. He's totally blown away, said no one has ever done anything like that for him before! But straight away said he insists on paying all additional expenses, lunch, drinks etc. I didn't expect that but appreciate that he understands my finances and wouldn't want to leave me short (I had budgeted for the weekend).

What I'm trying to say for us it's mainly about spending time together. Most Sunday's that is a walk followed by coffee and cake. It doesn't have to cost much. Also I'm happy to cook for us both because like you I couldn't afford to eat out two or more times per week.

Also to add I see me cooking meals as my way of contributing/going Dutch and does he.

StealthPussy your last paragraph is spot on.

You’re spot on Carblover!