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Original poster

How do you date a guy that earns a lot more than you but you like to go dutch but can't keep up?

258 replies

mummytippy · 05/12/2019 14:37

So I started seeing a guy at the end of Sept... we went out for drinks, then a couple of meals... but my income means I can't go out as much as he'd like to because I'm on a very tight budget. I have a 13 yo and he has an 8 yo. He earns approx 4 times more than me (not his fault and I don't resent this). Because of my money situ, I suggested I cook a meal. I didn't say I'm on cruddy wages/with high outgoings, namely my rent, I just said I've had a lot to pay out recently so do you fancy coming to mine for a meal this time. In return he then cooked at his place/got a take away, I bought the wine. Problem I have now is we seem to be staying in all the time. He'll suggest cooking at mine mostly as his dc lives mainly with mum and I don't like to leave my 13 yo.
Also, the other day he said he was going to re-join the gym (turns out same gym I'm at) so I asked him to mention my name (free month for the referral worth £19 and I would have bought him a drink). When I asked him if he'd joined he said yes, but he was sorry he'd done a black Friday deal instead of mentioning my name... 2 months free... obv a better deal but he'd see me right. I don't like to admit this but it really annoyed me! Tomorrow he's suggested us going out and I as usual I have no money. Thoughts and ideas welcome to try and set some sort of way forward for us before we just stay in all the time as we've been out for 2 meals so far and 3 lots of drinks in 2 months. He's also stayed at mine with his dc and we've stayed in and done done pizza night etc. Last weekend he was away in Spain on a lads weekend which was arranged after we'd been dating about a month... he bought me a bottle of Baileys in Duty Free. I just feel like we've skipped dating and I'm not being wooed... how do I say something? Any thoughts welcome. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Katgurl · 07/12/2019 17:25

I just saw your post about him choosing a takeaway that was free. Honestly I think your gut is screaming at you that he is right.

I am a generous person, love treating people to dinner or whatever. I cannot stand tight people. Proceed with caution here

user1481840227 · 07/12/2019 17:29

Wow, I'm stunned that you can't talk to him about basic stuff like dates and what you can afford but have had his son stay at your house.

As for saying that as far as you know the mum doesn't know about you unless the son stays over.....your boyfriend should have had the decency to tell the mother about this in the first place and not put his son in that position. It's out of order. Also I think it says a lot about this guy to change access to when it suits him only and not care about the childs mothers life and her plans! To me it screams selfishness!

SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2019 18:40

I only suggested EOW as it’s what his ex wants instead of her having the ds every weekend and it’s what most people do you massively overstepped the mark here op for a guy you're not even thst serious about and have been seeing a few months. If he cuts his contact down and you stay together, it will come back to bite you that you enraged him to see his kid less.

billy1966 · 07/12/2019 19:25

He's tight OP.
Sounds like he's very cute and he's costing you.
Either harden up, big time.
Or ditch him.

I don't like the sound of him.

He's tight. 🙄
Definitely not a prize.

Notcoolmum · 07/12/2019 20:59

Are you in a position to date OP if you have your son all the time and struggling to afford dates. Most men I've dated have offered to pay for meals and i do around or 2 of drinks and tips.

Just because your children have met and your son has met him doesn't mean you have to continue at that pace. It has just been a few weeks and it's really too soon to involve the children in your early stages of dating. I made this mistake with my ex. I was so happy with us I couldn't see it not working so he spent a couple of evenings here a week. He would chat to my son and my son got attached. Then of course he ended things a few months down the line.

I also wouldn't be making any comments about his access arrangements at all. They are for him and his ex to agree.

If you can leave your son for a few hours you are free to have coffee dates. I would seriously rethink him being at your house when your son is home at such an early stage.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/12/2019 10:57

I guess my gripe is that my guy could be a little more generous and hasn’t been so far. He’s been single 7 years until me.

But if roles were reversed and you were the higher earner posting, people would be correctly advising you to take him up on his offers of cooking and not to pay all the time. It's a new relationship, it should be pretty equal right now. You'd attract the wrong type of people if you were funding everything, it'd be cocklodgers central, and the boundaries and expectations in the relationship would start off all wrong. And if you went through a few partners, you'd spend a fortune!

Harriet might be right in that you're picking up on something you don't like in him, but before you write him off as being selfish and tight, I'd consider that 80% of this thread can't figure out what you want, and you've outright said that you would prefer he just sensed it rather than you having to ask. If I was him right now, in this situation, I'd have no idea what you want or how to make you happy.

NorthEndGal · 08/12/2019 11:04

You cant afford to go out as much, so he agreed to stay in, then you complain that you are staying in?
You say you want to be equal but that he should be treating you.
You say because it is early days he should be doing more to impress you, but you keep treating him like he has been there for years, cooking for him, having him around you dc, having him stay over
Its confusing, and it's crazy you expect him to sense what you want when you dont even know.

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 08/12/2019 11:06

Run! This man lacks generosity and he also cannot see it from your pov.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2019 12:16

I certainly am not describing you a a gold digger. I am however calling you out on the fact you kept maintaining you wished to go Dutch at the start of the thread, it's even your title, when you didn't wish that at all. It caused a huge amount of confusion on the thread.

I also find it odd that the people who maintain they are "very generous" are always the ones expecting others to pay for them.

Original poster
mummytippy · 09/12/2019 12:52

Bluntness the whole point of my post is that I feel like it isn’t fair on him but I suppose the question is... in knowing my financial circumstances is it acceptable to think he should take me out. ‘Back in the day’ that was common practice but I’m aware we’re not ‘back in the day’ with regard to that but my income is.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 09/12/2019 12:57

Hi NotCoolMum

My ds sees his father EOW.
Not sure what you mean in ‘Am I in a position to date’. Yes, I’m on a low income and my ds lives with me 95% of the time. Are you suggesting I should stay single?

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 09/12/2019 13:00

AnchorDown I can see what you’re saying if roles were reversed but if you read the entire post you’ll see I did used to pick up the tab when an ex of mine earned less than me. I never resented it. I used to be happy to pay as it meant we could still do things. I paid for a holiday to Kos once as if I hadn’t we wouldn’t have been able to go. I’m not suggesting anything like this here, just hoping he is of the same mind set I was when in his shoes.

OP posts:
Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 09/12/2019 16:31

I really don't think he should be expected to pay, no. If you can't afford to go out then you don't go out. You can't expect someone else to pay for you.

I asked earlier - what is his financial situation? He may earn 4 times your salary but that isn't what he takes home. Does he pay child maintenance? Have a large mortgage? Basically, how much disposable income does he have? In reality, he might not have much more than you do.

Notcoolmum · 09/12/2019 17:18

@mummytippy I didn't date for 7 years in a similar situation to you. My ex doesn't see the kids and I preferred to use my babysitting favours for nights out with friends. It's only now my children are older teens and can be left for an evening that I have started dating again. So yes, being single is an option if you don't have spare cash or time away from your son. It's a better option than involving him in the very early stages of your dating life.

Notcoolmum · 09/12/2019 17:21

But you do have EOW child free so you could easily date then and use the odd babysitting favour in between times if needed.

readitandwept · 09/12/2019 17:25

I thought you said your ex wasn't have his EOW contact recently and that's why the kids met?

Original poster
mummytippy · 09/12/2019 23:14

It usually is EOW apart from recently where one of my ex’s family members was in hospital so it went to one weekend in 3 twice. I also have to be flexible when such things crop up.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 09/12/2019 23:16

Hi NotCool I too have been more single than dating since my ds was 18 months old. It’s kind of a lonely life when the majority of your friends have partners. I’m not opposed to staying in... just once in a while Inlike to go out that’s all.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 09/12/2019 23:21

Hi HearHooves

He has told me he is okay financially.
He owns his own home and has a few cars (collects them/has projects on the go).

I don’t expect him to pay. I’m just thinking that once in a while it would be nice if he didn’t mind as I don’t want to restrict things by not being able to afford to go out all the time. I’m not sat clicking my fingers wanting to book expensive restaurants every weekend.

OP posts:
MadameButterface · 09/12/2019 23:29
  • I don't like the sound of this guy tbh.

You've only been seeing him a short time and he's badmouthing his ex to you, the relationship has moved too fast into nights in all the time, and he seems a bit tight. It's all a bit much.*

This! His ex is apparently such a lazy shit parent yet he wants his son to have more time with her and less with him? I dunno it all sounds like a big old faff to me. And i agree that you are not ready for dating if you can’t vocalise what you want or maintain boundaries about appropriate time scales for meeting dcs etc. This is your child and he’s 13 it’s a funny age. You don’t just do a waffly handwave oh it just sort of happened thing when you start imposing a new man and a new dc on your child who needs you fgs!

MadameButterface · 09/12/2019 23:34

Weekends, down time, it’s when teenagers relax and open up to you. About friendship issues, mental health stuff or just chatting about a funny thing that happened that week. If you have a bunch of randoms they don’t know and have no control over whether they’re in their space, this stuff doesn’t happen! And it’s really big important stuff (although it may not seem so at the time)

I am a single parent and i know how lonely it can be but some things are way more important and you will never get this time back

LemonTT · 09/12/2019 23:34

It is quite altruistic to not want to restrict going out for him. But as he hasn’t complained, then I would assume he’s ok with not going out. Most men are. Luckily this fits with your budget and you don’t have to worry about going Dutch.

All things considered it all works out well, no need to fret about expensive restaurants.

Notcoolmum · 09/12/2019 23:39

@mummytippy I would really advise you not to be staying in with a random bloke you barely know whilst your son is home. Have him over on your child free weekends. I do understand being lonely I really do. But you have moved too fast and don't seem to be willing to put the brakes back on. It's unlikely you and this bloke will last so why involve your son until further down the line when you are both more sure this has legs.

Bluntness100 · 10/12/2019 06:21

Goodness op, just own it. If you struggle to even admit it on here, how the hell are you going to ask him to take you out and pay for uou ?

Oblomov19 · 10/12/2019 06:53

What a mess. Relationships aren't supposed to be such hard work in the beginning - they are supposed to be fun. He sounds tight. And lacking empathy. You sound like hard work. Not a good batch.