How do you date a guy that earns a lot more than you but you like to go dutch but can't keep up?

[mummytippy]

So I started seeing a guy at the end of Sept... we went out for drinks, then a couple of meals... but my income means I can't go out as much as he'd like to because I'm on a very tight budget. I have a 13 yo and he has an 8 yo. He earns approx 4 times more than me (not his fault and I don't resent this). Because of my money situ, I suggested I cook a meal. I didn't say I'm on cruddy wages/with high outgoings, namely my rent, I just said I've had a lot to pay out recently so do you fancy coming to mine for a meal this time. In return he then cooked at his place/got a take away, I bought the wine. Problem I have now is we seem to be staying in all the time. He'll suggest cooking at mine mostly as his dc lives mainly with mum and I don't like to leave my 13 yo.
Also, the other day he said he was going to re-join the gym (turns out same gym I'm at) so I asked him to mention my name (free month for the referral worth £19 and I would have bought him a drink). When I asked him if he'd joined he said yes, but he was sorry he'd done a black Friday deal instead of mentioning my name... 2 months free... obv a better deal but he'd see me right. I don't like to admit this but it really annoyed me! Tomorrow he's suggested us going out and I as usual I have no money. Thoughts and ideas welcome to try and set some sort of way forward for us before we just stay in all the time as we've been out for 2 meals so far and 3 lots of drinks in 2 months. He's also stayed at mine with his dc and we've stayed in and done done pizza night etc. Last weekend he was away in Spain on a lads weekend which was arranged after we'd been dating about a month... he bought me a bottle of Baileys in Duty Free. I just feel like we've skipped dating and I'm not being wooed... how do I say something? Any thoughts welcome. Thanks in advance.

What would you do for leisure if you were single op? Maybe put your thinking cap on to find things to do that are free or don't cost much. If he offers to pay for something then that's one thing but I don't think you should expect it. Dates don't have to cost a lot of money or be spent sitting in watching tv. Can you afford to pay for the cinema or go out to a free museum and take a picnic lunch? There must be cheap or free things that you can do.

Hi HearTheHooves

I’ve focused on my ds mainly and covering his needs.

We get for walks, to the gym, cook together, and watch movies when he’s not on his Xbox.

To be honest it sounds like you are going out far too often if you are so skint that you feel stressed by the 19 pound gym membership.

You went out for dinner and then wine with friends - that's an expensive inght out - surely you need to be going out less??

Hi waterrat

Before that night out I hadn’t been out for a month.

I wouldn't stay with him as he sounds like a shitty father. Basically told his ex he's not having their child for weekends any more. Surely every other is normal? If she was crossn I'd bet it isn't the first time he thinks he can dictate things to her.

You sound like hard work too though. You don't want him to pay but don't want to spend money but don't want to stay in. You can plan things to do at home or find free things to do. Part of being on a low income is being creative with your money and finding cheap or free things to do. Walks, museums, visiting unusual places, bike rides etc. But then you don't want to leave your son so what do you want?!

My partner and I were both on low incomes and resident parents to our children. We didn't introduce our kids and stay over after such a short time though as it's damaging to children so you're both unreasonable for that.

Before that night out I hadn’t been out for a month.

Then you over did it the month before:

we've been out for 2 meals so far and 3 lots of drinks in 2 months.

Your title is really misleading! Based on what you said, i guess in an ideal world you would like him to take you out and pay each time /most of the time?
Some couples have this dynamic ( a couple of my gfs only would date men who did this) but you have to be honest with yourself about your priorities and make sure he knows too. This way neither of you wastes any time

Hi KissKiss

I haven’t meant to b misleading.
So basically he has a higher disposable income than me and I’ve curtailed is being able to go out as I can’t afford to go Dutch as I would like.
We’ve started to stay in because I can’t afford to go out and I suppose what I’m saying (in view he knows about the vast difference financially) it would be nice if he occasionally offered to take me out.

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable as I’ve said earlier in my post where I was the higher earner it was about doing this together so I’d pay or otherwise we couldn’t do things.

Also his ds has just been very poorly so I’ve not seen him for over a week as his ds been at his house as the mother has not wanted to know.

So 1 meal once a month and a couple of halves of cider 3 times over 2 months is overdoing it ReadIt?

Financially, for you, clearly it is.

I don’t think it’s a question of who is being unreasonable- maybe he likes staying in, maybe he doesn’t want to make you feel bad about your money situation by not forcing you both to go and do things that require a lot of money?

You should talk to him about this if it’s making you uncomfortable, that’s the only way to change it (and also understand why it is like this and whether you two are compatible or not) Some people just have different attitudes to money

Thanks kisskiss

So my Beau came round on Tues... I cooked and he brought red wine and G&T. He told me he also had G&T in his bag and I joked, I think the wine will be enough (school night). So the G&T stayed in his bag and he took it home the next morning. Obv I can’t be trusted?! 🤔

@mummytippy i dont think he would've brought gin if he didn't mean to share it? He could've got away with just bringing wine?

I thinks its lack of communication. Why don't you honestly say 'babe/dear/hun/whatever.. Why dont you ever treat me?' he'll then say something like 'what do you mean?' you then say 'i was talking to friends/colleagues/whoever.. They were all saying about their partners taking them for a fancy christmas meal and different weekends away and places theyd been spoilt too. I suddenly realised youve never once done that for me? Bored of me already? Hahaha'

Or something like that iykwim?

OP you keep referencing your supposed generosity in the past when you paid for things you wanted to do as a couple when your boyfriend couldn’t afford it. This isnt altruistic generosity, it’s self interest and centres on what you want to do.

He clearly doesn’t want to go out for a slap up meal with drinks. If he did he could just say that is what he wants to do. Then he could pay for you, knowing it is unaffordable for you and not for him.

This continues to boil down to you wanting to be wined and dined at his expense and whether he wants that experience or not. Just be open about it. But don’t be surprised if you are seen as grabby and greedy. If it works you get what you want.

So you wouldn't have drank it? What's the problem with him taking it away then? Why should he have left it?

And please do not go down the road of @Thickums suggestion. It's sounds bloody awfully, especially considering the extremely short amount of time you've been together.

@readitandwept what's wrong with having an open and honest conversation?
Either she stays quiet and unhappy and he doesnt have a clue so cant change anything. OR she lays her cards on the table and he can make an informed choice to wine and dine or leave and find someone financially compatible with him.

Me and my own partner go halves even though i earn more, he still earns okay so its fine. I was honest at the beginning and said id never fund a man and only believe in paying for a partner for birthdays, christmas (i go ALL out for him then).

My friend NEVER pays and her partner of 2 years pays for everything including cash gifts every couple of months just because.

Different couples have different dynamics but it has to work for BOTH of them. She needs to lay her cards on the table of what she expects. He can either take it or leave it but at least they both know where they stand, rather than OP secretly fuming.

@Thickums because your suggestion isn't "laying cards on the table" is it?

It's comparing him, attempting to guilt trip him, completely patronising and cringeworthy.

It's I'm no way honest about the fact OP can't afford the lifestyle she wants.

Basically op dating is expensive, There’s no getting away from that if you want to pay your way, so you can’t afford to “date”, at the same time you don’t want to be in a relationship (staying in and cooking) he’s sounds like a right thigh arse anyway n a crap dad so I’d cut my losses

@readitandwept point taken. I suppose the way i worded it wasn't right. Meant to word it of asking the question without being to blunt of "i want you to buy me shit, why won't you?" hahaha.

Ignore me OP. But i do think an honest conversation is needed to establish your dynamic going forward.

I would not have touched the gin readit.
He left a bottle a few weeks ago which we drank together. I didn’t touch a drop. This time he felt happier taking it home. Would have felt better not knowing it existed! Just wondered if anyone could see why he took it as to me it’s like taking unopened wine back from a party.

Thanks Thickums you do understand me and are quite right. I can’t afford to date and am feeling he could offer to take me out. tbh it’s causing more stress than I’m having fun.

We’ve had a chat too and I’ve been honest and told him that I’m struggling financially. And that basically right now I can’t afford dates out. He said he doesn’t mind staying in. I said I don’t but it’s nice to go out once in a while. We’ll see. It’s his birthday next week so I asked him to advise where he’d like to go. He hasn’t as yet.

It’s my work’s Xmas Do tomorrow night and he’s invited as my plus one. Work pays. Then Saturday it’s a Christmas party at my friend’s house and a few at the local pub. We’re staying at her house as it’s 70 miles away. He’s driving tomorrow night (the restaurant is approx 12 miles away) and we might get a taxi home (leave his car/drive a pick it up Sat am). I’m driving Sat/Sun to my friend’s. We’re obv saving on a hotel as being put up. My ds will be at his dads for Xmas contact until Boxing Day.

How would you handle this financially out of interest?

You sound a bit obsessed with stuff and money, fixating on the gin bottle is bloody weird.
He brought it, you didn’t want it, it wasn’t a gift and he took it home again. Sounds like it didn’t even come out of the bag so naturally it’s going to stay in his bag when he goes.
It’s his money to spend how he likes. Some men love to be in control and always treating their special princesses...
Find someone else who meets your expectations.

💯 agree with poster above

He sounds tight OP. Not an attractive trait.

Uh, no I would not expect someone to leave an unopened bottle of gin with me if they’d already bought wine and I’d said I wasn’t interested in drinking gin that night.

And now you’ve had the talk and told him you can’t afford nights out but when he suggested staying in you didn’t like that idea either?

If I were dating you those two events would make me think you just wanted me to pay for your nights out and alcohol.