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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband highly sensitive to criticism means I have no say

324 replies

JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 07:55

It’s driving me crazy. I’m very open and honest and have been brought up to say what’s on my mind.

He on the other hand has been brought up with a domineering mother who he is to this day still trying to gain approval and love for. He says he never feels good enough for her.

He clearly has the same thing going on with me. He was in tears today after an argument about his snoring. I said he should sleep somewhere else because I can’t sleep (with earplugs). After much shouting and talks of divorce he broke down crying saying how did I think that made him feel telling him he had no place in our bed. He felt like I was saying he didn’t belong. Confused. But he’d been saying that I should sleep somewhere else if I couldn’t sleep for his snoring. At no point did he say sorry for my poor nights sleep over the last few nights, or show any empathy.

He says I’m constantly criticising him. I am not, I will say to him if something is bothering me. Eg he thinks it’s ok to use his electric razor and put it back in bathroom cabinet without rinsing! Stubble is all over the drawer. It’s disgusting. When I brought it up initially he just said he’d always done that and made out I was being ridiculous. When I’ve brought it up since he’s highly defensive and says I’m criticising him again - he feels he’s always in trouble.

I’ve said to him, I’m not your Mum, you aren’t in trouble. I’m just asking you logically to consider that it’s a bit gross.

He said how do I think it feels to be constantly criticised? I said how does he thinks it feels to have no voice and feel he has no respect for me because anything I have a problem with is seen as criticism?

I have suggested counselling but he absolutely refuses.

OP posts:
HowdidIenduphere · 03/12/2019 21:30

JulieJones22 seriously read up on living with a Passive Aggressive partner on here and online elsewhere, I think you may be in for a bit of a shock but better to know what you are dealing with.

Having the words to describe what I was dealing with was seriously helpful and stopped me feeling like the crazy lady I was made out to be by my STBXH

DareDevil223 · 03/12/2019 21:30

Was any of this conversation about you? About how you feel taken for granted and unheard? About how your feelings aren't important compared to his? Because it sounds as if it's all about him and what you have to do to keep him happy. Not what I would call a positive outcome....

justilou1 · 03/12/2019 21:33

It took me 17 years of this shit and crying and sleeping on the couch then actual divorce application, before he would consider a counsellor. I went off about the snoring, likening it to water boarding. Saying that denial of sleep is considered torture by the United Nations and The Hague Convention. It is up there with physical torture and denial food, clothing and shelter. Expecting me to lie there in his bed (because sleeping elsewhere was unacceptable to him, of course, and gave him “the feelings”) was a form of slavery I was not willing to accept any longer. I could not function successfully in any areas of my life under these conditions and it was illogical for him to expect me to continue to do so. I had played him recordings, I had recorded the volume and had comparisons to various machinery, etc - his lack of empathy on this subject went so far past logic, it was devoid of love and was entirely about control and ownership of my body and mind.

He has a cpap machine and we are still in counselling.

53rdWay · 03/12/2019 21:40

I know ideally I shouldn’t have to remind him. It doesn’t bother me that much in the scheme of things though.

It might bother you when he starts resenting you for acting like his mother by nagging him, after he's the one that put you in that role.

He could set a phone reminder for the bins like the rest of us, couldn't he? 12 seconds of work and done.

AnotherEmma · 03/12/2019 21:48

Yep, what 53rdway said about the bins.

Also, anyfucker summed it all up pretty well I think.

I thought there were similarities between your DH and mine but I'm sorry to say that yours is much much worse. If mine was like yours I wouldn't be married to him.

Gentleness · 03/12/2019 22:10

Reading with interest. My dh is a wonderful man who is also hopeless in some areas. His working memory is poor and his strategies don't work in family life as well as in working life. We both learn to deal with it, constantly, but there are times when it becomes a much bigger issue and he starts equating it with his self worth. It sounds like this is what you're experiencing OP.

I really struggle in those times. If I say, "when you leave the washed recycling on the draining board it can leave rusty marks that are hard to remove," I mean exactly what I say. He thinks I mean he is a loser. His face takes on this look and I know his spirits are tumbling and the next days I have to be really careful even though he's being really irritating.

It's not that he's controlling, though I've sometimes accused him of it, and of strategic incompetence. It's that he has grown up with assumptions about his self worth that he really needs to unpick with a decent counsellor instead of repeating them with me. But he knows (now that I've done it) that however well it turns out, it is still expensive, time consuming and gruelling and can be lengthy. IMO he just needs to get on with it. But I can't force him and also have it work well. I'm waiting and nudging, because he's worth it and it's a long journey. But if I have to give him a big kick, I will!

SleighOfSparkliness · 03/12/2019 22:16

Christ, what a massive baby.

AnotherEmma · 03/12/2019 22:19

And you're TTC?!!!

IndieTara · 03/12/2019 22:41

@NearlyGranny my XP was just like that. Totally unhygienic and sloppy but in all household areas. I couldn't take it in the end and had to split with him.

IndieTara · 03/12/2019 22:46

@justilou1 i only survived 2 years in those same sleep deprived conditions until I couldn't do it any more

justilou1 · 03/12/2019 22:49

It’s more sleep depraved, isn’t it, @IndieTara?

Perisoire · 03/12/2019 23:11

When he was crying this morning, it was the first time I got a glimpse into how he's feeling rather than the angry defensive side of him. I responded to his hurt, not the shouting.

OP, I predict you'll be writing a very different post in a year or two, when you realise he's manipulating you. It's great you're getting counsellng for yourself.

Agreeing to remind him to wipe the toilet seat is a first step to agreeing to do all the thinking for him.

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/12/2019 23:16

Does he really and seriously not know anyone who's been to counselling and didn't get divorced as a result?

Can you find someone and get them to talk to him about how counselling helped them and didn't break up their marriage?

Because his attitude to this is just...well... It's a fear response but a very misplaced one.

TowelNumber42 · 03/12/2019 23:17

Your standards are very low.

Do you think all men are shits?

Or do you think that you would never bag a non-shit man?

Or maybe your biological clock is going crazy and you need the most convenient sperm donor? Even if the sperm is from a beta male with psych issues. Below beta. Zeta. You get better options at a sperm bank you know.

5LeafClover · 03/12/2019 23:18

He will need you to remind him every week if he's going to clean the toilet and that is fair because you made him feel third best in the house to your son.

That's not very respectful to you though is it? Maybe you deserve a partner who cleans up after himself without you having to ask specifically every time.

Is it always all about him?

justilou1 · 03/12/2019 23:19

I think you should SERIOUSLY reconsider having children until he can start doing his own thinking. How much are you going to resent toilet training your kids when he can’t get the basics right?

friedbeansandcheese · 03/12/2019 23:19

What @HowdidIenduphere said.

He said he will need me to remind him every week to clean the toilet seat bowl

Fuck me. What a useless git. Can’t he see his own piss??

He’s said he feels unimportant in our house and 3rd class with me 1st our son second and then him.

What a useless, pathetic bellend.

Lweji · 03/12/2019 23:23

I’ve told him I want him to feel important and will try to do more things that make him feel equal.

He will feel important when he takes up responsibility. Until not it seems he's behaving like a rebelious child. (look up transactional analysis)

friedbeansandcheese · 03/12/2019 23:23

Op, what did you get out of your chat? what compromises has your dh made for you? All I can see is more work for you!

Also, what’s he like at work? Does he forget things? Leave piss on the loo seat? Or is that just for you?

Think about that...

AnyFucker · 03/12/2019 23:36

This thread has to be a spoof

Please let it be a spoof...

Interestedwoman · 03/12/2019 23:47

I'm a bit like it with chores- because I have ADHD. It doesn't necessarily mean he can't function at work, as it isn't a 'chore' in the same way if you see what I mean. I used to clean and I had no problem cleaning professionally particularly, but my place was a shithole.

Before I said this, a consultant had given the example of an electrician who can do his job perfectly well, but at home there are all wires coming out of the walls etc.

ADHD doesn'r always present like the stereotype- I have a good degree, although it did take me longer as I found it hard to cope with stress, and motivate myself.

Not saying he has it- just something for you to think about.

I agree with the PP's who said the email/convo is all about him, and doesn't consider your feelings much.

Also it's a good idea PP's suggested to set alarms on the phone. He could have one set for the bins, loo, whatever else you want him to do. So, don't get into the habit of you having to remind him- get him to set the alarms in front of you. BUT if he does have undiagnosed ADHD it still might not work- he won't be able to motivate himself to act on the alarm easily.

All of this could be bollox of course, but it might be worth him having an assessment.

Interestedwoman · 03/12/2019 23:48

I was about 40 before I was diagnosed.

MiniMum97 · 04/12/2019 00:03

My DH was like this but we've got past it now. He has worked on being better at hearing perceived criticism and I have worked on how I say things. I did realise that I am quite blunt and that can be harder to hear than a criticism or a complaint said kindly. So I always try to think of how I would feel if the thing was said to me in a particular way before I say it. Text works well for this too as it gives me a chance to read it and amend it. And it gives him a chance to take a step back from an emotional response. Works really well so far. I feel heard and listened to and like I don't have to bottle things up, and he doesn't feel continually criticised. It's also helped our communication generally - we are kinder to each other. Much nicer all round.

NearlyGranny · 04/12/2019 00:04

You've been hoodwinked, OP. He's handed you the responsibility for ensuring he cleans up after himself and you've taken it, meaning it will be your fault if he doesn't and you'll be a controlling nag every time you remind him: even though he asked you to. He builds the trap, shows you how the mechanism works and in you walk...

How about you start not noticing the things you routinely do just for him, like washing his clothes, if you do? Then tell him you're sorry, you just didn't see the dirty things, he will have to take responsibility for reminding you every time. Then when he does remind you, put on your hurt puppy face and squeeze out some tears while telling him you feel controlled and attacked. See how he likes them apples.

NearlyGranny · 04/12/2019 00:07

By the way, his 1st 3nd 3rd thing is interesting. What does he think his place in the order should be? Get the feeling you're being 'put in your place'?

He's a classic, and so shockingly open about it.