Husband highly sensitive to criticism means I have no say

[JulieJones22]

It’s driving me crazy. I’m very open and honest and have been brought up to say what’s on my mind.

He on the other hand has been brought up with a domineering mother who he is to this day still trying to gain approval and love for. He says he never feels good enough for her.

He clearly has the same thing going on with me. He was in tears today after an argument about his snoring. I said he should sleep somewhere else because I can’t sleep (with earplugs). After much shouting and talks of divorce he broke down crying saying how did I think that made him feel telling him he had no place in our bed. He felt like I was saying he didn’t belong. . But he’d been saying that I should sleep somewhere else if I couldn’t sleep for his snoring. At no point did he say sorry for my poor nights sleep over the last few nights, or show any empathy.

He says I’m constantly criticising him. I am not, I will say to him if something is bothering me. Eg he thinks it’s ok to use his electric razor and put it back in bathroom cabinet without rinsing! Stubble is all over the drawer. It’s disgusting. When I brought it up initially he just said he’d always done that and made out I was being ridiculous. When I’ve brought it up since he’s highly defensive and says I’m criticising him again - he feels he’s always in trouble.

I’ve said to him, I’m not your Mum, you aren’t in trouble. I’m just asking you logically to consider that it’s a bit gross.

He said how do I think it feels to be constantly criticised? I said how does he thinks it feels to have no voice and feel he has no respect for me because anything I have a problem with is seen as criticism?

I have suggested counselling but he absolutely refuses.

Not the same relationship but my brother is a bugger for this. Any perceived slight on his over inflated image of himself, I get accused of being argumentative/controlling/confrontational. No, just stop being a slob as you're not the only one living here.

It's not you. You have a right to voice your opinion. I read something here once that a woman is a nag and a man is assertive, saying the exact same thing

Luckily we don't live under the same roof anymore.

He's done a right number on you. He's controlling and you're not leave him.

OP you will end up divorced with his current behaviour hence recommending the counseling.

If he refuses and you don't have children then please don't have children with him.

Of course it’s controlling.
He’s telling you to shut up and how his behaviour impacts you has no meaning to him.
It’s not like you are asking a lot, just to remember he doesn’t live alone. Some things are tolerated, just not to lazy people.

So you’re not going to leave him, he refuses to go to counselling, he refuses to change his attitude...

You can’t change him - he refuses. He feels like he has the perfect get-out clause. He sounds absolutely fucking insufferable. Behind insufferable.

So if you won’t leave, and he won’t change, then all you can do is put your head down and bow in reverence to him for the rest of your life, putting him first always, ignoring your feelings and needs, and silencing your voice.

OP, it sounds awful.

I’m going against the grain here but I don’t think he is being controlling if those are your only examples. I get terribly upset when my partner says I’ve been snoring, as dis my Dad when my mum said it to him. But we work through it to find a solution - can you help find a solution?

Plus the razor thing, it’s minor is it not? Can you just say it in a nicer way? Also how much does it actually matter? I’d personally let it go. Life it too short.

He sounds immature and unsure of himself .I think you would benefit from counselling TBH. Does he still see his Mother regularly? because he will keep on trying (and failing) to please her, and this will filter into your relationship.Everyone who lives together will have some irritations with their partners ,thats called life! If he really wont consider any counselling, then you may have to consider the possibility of divorce .ATM you cant say anything to him without him disintegrating it seems!

My DH can be like this too. It's a highly unattractive trait in a relationship

Mine has actually got worse for it since we had our DS. I think he knows I don't need him in the same way anymore (I was quite emotionally needy beforehand) and he doesn't like it that now when he throws one of his tantrums about some perceived slight or neglect of his feelings (snoring and messiness are big issues here too) and threatens to leave, instead of begging him to stay I tell him to go right ahead if that's what he wants. I've got one toddler, I don't need two

My dh was like this (and still does it on occasion): complains I criticise and contradict him, even when the opinion I express, I expressed first, he disagreed with and I then defended

He's much better now as he's been seeing a counsellor for 3 years. Even in your late 50s, it is possible to address things that happened in early life.

His mother was toxic and spent her life manipulating her children and putting them down. I thought I had understood the impact but she died a few weeks ago and all sorts of things are coming out of the woodwork. Truly toxic things that happened when he was a young child and ongoing toxic comments said about all her family right up until her death - but all the while in the guise of a respectable and church going woman . His experience of growing up is so far outwith mine : I always felt loved l; he never did

It's had all sorts of other ongoing ramifications: it explains why dh has a toxic relationship with money and savings, which he sees as a security blanket in place of the love he didn't receive.

I really do strongly recommend that your dh see a counsellor.

My exh would never talk about stuff either and would just sulk if he didn't like what I said. Hence we never had an argument in 18 years, which sounds great but you can't just not communicate your feelings and needs in a marriage. We split up 2 years ago when I found out he was having an affair (with someone who thought the sun shone out of his arse I assume).

Re: the snoring thing though, it's a difficult one as my ex used to snore terribly (worse when he had been drinking) and although he would apologise if it had been really bad, realistically there is nothing he could do about it (when he hadn't been drinking) so I didn't mention it very often as I didn't think it was fair. We also didn't have a spare room.

I sometimes snore, as I think most people do, whether they realise it or not. It's horrible to have it pointed out because like I said, there is nothing you can really do about it!

What’s his reason for refusing counselling? He says that he hates feeling constantly criticised, but he doesn’t want to do something like couples counselling that would help you hash out ways of addressing problems without him feeling criticised. So your only remaining option is to shut up and put up with everything. Even things having bad effects on you that are within his power to sort out, like snoring.

Would he really rather get divorced than find a constructive way to get past problems?

There are things snorers can do about snoring. He could go to another room, he could get those snore strips that work for some people, he could see his GP if it’s really bad. If he won’t even try and just wants the OP to shut up about it that’s not fair.

We have your side of events here OP.
“He says I’m constantly criticising him. I am not, I will say to him if something is bothering me.”
Have you considered the possibility, that you ARE constantly criticizing him? Some women can be “bossy” around the house as they like everything placed and done “just so” while their partners feel like an employee. I’m not saying your are like this OP but just something to consider as I think the replies are all rather one sided. Logical thing to do would be to sit down, properly, at a table or on sofa and explain to each other how you see things and how you feel. Each of you try your best to not get emotional while you do this and certainly no raised voices. Make it a calm but very frank discussion. And then agree that you will both make an effort to bug each other less, in whatever way possible. It could be the tone you communicate with each other is just important as the content. Anyway, a simple frank discussion of say, 15-30 minutes, where you really listen to each other without apportioning blame could be a big step forward.

Counselling. You both need to learn new communication styles - I think he also needs some individual counselling to start to deal with how his mother behaved.

Honestly, it's the only way. If you both don't get out of this pattern, you're going to go on and on feeling unheard and it WILL kill your feelings for him.

He’s not controlling, he CANNOT take criticism.

But he IS controlling. And emotionally abusive. Learned from his mother.

Until you understand this and act on it, you will continue to be unhappy

XDH was like this. It was a result of his upbringing, which was full of nasty criticism and ridiculous slights and rows used by people to control each other. Unfortunately it sounds as if your DH has had no experience of healthy give and take and no experience of the kind of interaction you are talking about. You are badly out of step. Would he come with you to couples counselling?

I had a partner who never said anything nice but was quick to point out my flaws. Do you (and he) also fill up the love bank for each other or just make withdrawals?

I do t think I’d be able to tolerate this. A lot of what you described isn’t even a criticism, merely a request. Maybe if you ask him to be less over emotional and have a pointless argument about it then it will be sorted like everything else?

This is a useful resource that maybe you could work through with him. Some of it won’t apply to your situation as it relate to PTSD but print it out without those sections. It is very good.

pete-walker.com/lovinglyResolvingConflict.htm

@53rdWay Yes, there are things people can do to try and help with snoring but I don't see sleeping permanently in separate rooms as being a solution - it would bring other problems.

The other suggestions are fair enough if he hasn't gone down this road yet (I assumed he had). I know my ex FIL tried everything, even an operation to help his snoring and it's still awful. Clearly where my ex got it from but thankfully that's not my problem now and I get a whole king size to myself these days and no snoring or coming in late after drinking and waking me up - bliss!

Ime if nothing changes, you WILL end up leaving him because you will be so resentful of his inability to handle criticism.

The fact he is getting upset and crying because you told him to go and sleep somewhere else but has NO ISSUE AT ALL with telling you to go and sleep somewhere else if that’s such an issue for you is telling you exactly who he is.
He just doesn’t care about you, it’s all about him and his precious ego. He has certainly learnt to be manipulative and using guilt to get what he wants (see I’m so hurt tactic and the fact you dint feel you can tell him anything because that would be too hurtful).

Either you have a chat with him and lay the cards in the table. Or you can try a marriage counsellor. But there is no other way. He HAS to grow up.

JulieJones22

Why does he "absolutely refuse" counselling?. What are the reasons (has he actually stated any?) he has given you for refusing?

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You state you're not leaving and he is not for counselling so where do you both go from here then?. The same old as you're both doing now?. Its not working.

At the same time he expects you to listen to him but put up and shut up at the same time. Its unfair on you and on a wider level his own inertia along with fear, obligation and guilt re his abusive mother hurts him as well as you.

Most people dislike criticism. Even if they appear to be pleasant about receiving it, they will be seething underneath. I hate being told I'm wrong (especially if I don't think I am). It makes me resentful But the difference is that I don't weep and wail and complain about being 'told off', because I'm socialised.

Your DH is reacting to so much more than you telling him off. He is seeing you in his mother's role and reacting to you as he can't (or won't) to her. I had a similar mother...

Have you tried asking him how he thinks he could deal with it? Give him stuff to read so he realises it's not a normal reaction. How does he react in day to day life when people tell him he's wrong? He needs to unlearn one way of reacting and learn a more adult way to cope.

He thinks that people that love each other just put up with each other’s behaviour.

I’m pretty sure he wouldn't do that if you were doing things that REALLY annoyed him/stopped him from sleeping etc....
But as itbis, you are being caring and careful towards him so he probably doesnt have a lot to say. Whereas he is using that as an excuse to be totally disrespectful towards you.
I mean, if you are supposed to just accept people like they are ‘because you love them’, would he accept you cheating or hitting him? Being controlling with money? I bet he wouldn’t.
Once again, just an excuse to explain and excuse him to wanting to make ANY effort for you.