Husband highly sensitive to criticism means I have no say

[JulieJones22]

It’s driving me crazy. I’m very open and honest and have been brought up to say what’s on my mind.

He on the other hand has been brought up with a domineering mother who he is to this day still trying to gain approval and love for. He says he never feels good enough for her.

He clearly has the same thing going on with me. He was in tears today after an argument about his snoring. I said he should sleep somewhere else because I can’t sleep (with earplugs). After much shouting and talks of divorce he broke down crying saying how did I think that made him feel telling him he had no place in our bed. He felt like I was saying he didn’t belong. . But he’d been saying that I should sleep somewhere else if I couldn’t sleep for his snoring. At no point did he say sorry for my poor nights sleep over the last few nights, or show any empathy.

He says I’m constantly criticising him. I am not, I will say to him if something is bothering me. Eg he thinks it’s ok to use his electric razor and put it back in bathroom cabinet without rinsing! Stubble is all over the drawer. It’s disgusting. When I brought it up initially he just said he’d always done that and made out I was being ridiculous. When I’ve brought it up since he’s highly defensive and says I’m criticising him again - he feels he’s always in trouble.

I’ve said to him, I’m not your Mum, you aren’t in trouble. I’m just asking you logically to consider that it’s a bit gross.

He said how do I think it feels to be constantly criticised? I said how does he thinks it feels to have no voice and feel he has no respect for me because anything I have a problem with is seen as criticism?

I have suggested counselling but he absolutely refuses.

@Longfacenow ah yes. I will make sure I name change in future. I do get why people would be curious about a poster but I don’t think it’s right to use info from another thread on a current thread. What if someone knew me IRL, would it be ok for them to add to the thread something I’d told them?

@53rdWay thanks for sharing. That is scary. No, thankfully he is not like that.

He does have issues and I have no doubt that this will come up again - him blowing up because I have “criticised” him. Hopefully in time we will figure it out.

Is it possible that you are ‘nitpicking’

My dh does this. It upset me for years, but now l tell him to get a life and stop focusing on stupid crap. He’s stopped doing it.

E.G: he would go to the fridge and question why 2 bottles of milk were open. Who even cares? But l would say, obviously the world is going to end because of this. And he’s slowly stopped doing it.

Wait, what? You're ttc? There really is no hope.

Oh, yes @TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince

I was going to post that, too. My dh will come in and literally look for a problem and it will be something trivial like that. I feel forced to do things I wouldn't normally give another thought to. Even the kids get pissed off amd shout at him

Well if you class mentioning that 2 bottles of milk are open in the fridge, yes I guess I would be annoyed at that. Or that he’ll leave a bottle of coke with the dregs in the fridge and open a new one. That annoys me as I’m the one that will have to take it out and empty it and put it in recycle bin

I often do things like those examples. Exhausted with three young DC including a baby and I just don’t concentrate or think! DH doesn’t mention it thankfully.

All these minor irritations add up to you having to parent him. The coke bottle thing is a typical teenage thing to do, and your talk with him seems like you were laying down boundaries with a teen, while being mindful of an adolescent mindset.

I ask again - does he constantly have to be reminded at work on how to do his job? Does he forget to put petrol in his car? Or is it only at home he needs reminders to do basic stuff?

Different tolerances to chaos and disorder. No party is either right or wrong about how to manage chaos unless it turns into a battle and one side plays dirty.

@JulieJones22 would you moan to him about the coke bottle thing?

I might mention that two bottles of milk were open, but it doesn't really make much of a difference, if they are both going to be used (as opposed to transported elsewhere), does it? They don't go off any faster if they are opened, it's just a minor, petty annoyance.

The coke bottle with the dregs thing is similarly an annoyance. These are both the sort of things children do. Did he do them when he was a child, or would his mother have come down on him like a tonne of bricks? Is is maybe reliving an adolescence he wasn't allowed to have?

@GiveHerHellFromUs not all the time I would mention it but sometimes I have. I guess it’s just not a big deal to him.

@MarianaMoatedGrange sorry I meant to reply to you earlier. He’s the boss at work so there is no one to tell him what to do! He does have a business partner and he seems to get on ok.

I think it’s what @busybarbara said. We just have different attitudes to mess. I have higher standards than him.

He is much more laid back than me which I why I was attracted to him in the first place!

I am the laid back partner but it does seem that, in life, the least laid back one gets to set the standard - be the boss, so to speak.

It is actually quite stressful having to think of things that might bother him that don't actually bother you and you lose a bit of yourself in the process. And, if you have children, you have the double whammy of trying to get them to toe the line - his, not yours.

The best way to help yourselves in this situation is to actually take on board some of his comments. I doubt that you are totally right and nor is he but, for the sake of your relationship, you have to reach some kind of compromise or split.

I get it. You're annoyed with me for pointing out that you're TTC because you don't want to discuss it, even though it's relevant. You're a SAHM to a 1yo and you want a second child. For that, you need his money and his sperm. His behaviour annoys you enough to start a mumsnet thread but not enough to contemplate leaving him and giving up on that. He knows it, and that's why he threatens divorce when you criticise - it keeps you in line, agreeing to remind him to do basic things. I don't think he is going to improve, but that doesn't make me "gleeful", it makes me angry on your behalf and sad for you. I hope I'm wrong and he does improve, but I am certain that it will only happen if he gets therapy / counselling (by himself and/or with you). And with all due respect I think that bringing a baby into it at this point is likely to make it all worse not better. You don't want to hear it, though. So as I said, I wish you luck.

He’s the boss at work

So he's capable of being responsible. But he is also probably used to leaving stuff for others to do.

He's not your boss and you're not his cleaning lady, though.

How come you are a SAHP?

@AnotherEmma no I am annoyed because that information was not relevant to this thread. I did not ask anyone if I should TTC with my husband. You do not know whether I am still TTC or not. You know nothing about it so I would appreciate it if you did not pass judgement on an area of my life I did not wish to discuss. I did not ask you to. I asked on this thread for advice about me not being able to voice my issues with him, and him going in huffs and threatening divorce. For that I am grateful to yourself and others sharing their opinions. I also think it's very rude of you to say you need his money and his sperm. Would you talk to someone like this IRL? That is so disrespectful. Thank you for your best wishes, same to you as well. I hope the counselling continues to work.

@Lweji How come you are a SAHP? . I gave up work a few weeks after my maternity leave ended because I missed my little boy and my social anxiety was pretty bad. I have actually just applied for a full time job yesterday though, as I think I miss being me, and not just wife and Mum, if you know what I mean.

Good for you.
It will also give you financial independence.

@53rdWay, Ex was like this and agreed his behaviour was PA, so volunteered to go to counselling, which he attended for a year however it only made his anger outward, direct and scary.

A PA man has layers of anger that stems from his childhood experiences and affects his thinking. The behaviour is often very ingrained and difficult if not impossible to change. It is made worse if the partner has less power in the relationship which usually happens when the woman has children and gives up their career and financial independence.

Just a warning as once Ex found his anger it wasn't possible to go backwards. A counselor needs to be highly skilled and aware and managing the impact on the partner.

@Lweji Thank you. Yes I thought this too. I said to him last night..."don't think just because I don't work and I missed DS that I couldn't manage without you. I'm quite capable of getting a job again and I would put DS in a nursery"

TBF to him, when I was talking about getting a FT job again a couple of nights ago, he asked how I would manage as I missed DS last time. I said I didn't know. He said, well he will be going to school when he's 4 and then you won't have any say in it. So that's what made me think, he's right! I'll have to do it sooner or later, why not do it now when I've not been out of work for that long and my skills are still with the market (I am a software developer so things move pretty fast).

I'm sorry that you feel I overstepped.
FWIW I think getting your own counselling is great and will help a lot, if he refuses counselling himself then all you can do is focus on yourself.
Good luck with the job application. Would you consider part time as a compromise, in case you feel that PT is too much?

I'm interested in him being annoyed at you when all you did was " just going ahead and getting a coat hook when he said he didn’t want one in the porch"

That's symptomatic of what people have been saying, you know. About the control.

You are at home all day, in charge of you and your child, presumably you had a good reason to want a coat hook in the porch.

So why does he think he gets a veto? Why is his opinion more important than yours ?
Why was he upset about something as trivial as that? Why did he need you to ask for his permission, in order to feel "important" ?

@AnotherEmma thank you for apologising.

Yes I had my first session this morning and the counsellor was really helpful.

No one in my industry wants part time workers sadly. However, the job I have applied for is flexible working, so I hope it means I could start early and finish early so I can see him.

@Catmaiden no it wasn't about control for control's sake. It was because we have one already in a cupboard in the living room and he thought it would look messy. It does look messy, but it's much more convenient.

@Longfacenow and @AnotherEmma thanks for recommendation for Gottman emotional bank method. DH is reading it and I have been reading it too. Hoping it will help us.

So a convenient hook in the porch looks messy to him, but a toilet with dried on piss is fine in his eyes?

Okaaaay.