Husband highly sensitive to criticism means I have no say

[JulieJones22]

It’s driving me crazy. I’m very open and honest and have been brought up to say what’s on my mind.

He on the other hand has been brought up with a domineering mother who he is to this day still trying to gain approval and love for. He says he never feels good enough for her.

He clearly has the same thing going on with me. He was in tears today after an argument about his snoring. I said he should sleep somewhere else because I can’t sleep (with earplugs). After much shouting and talks of divorce he broke down crying saying how did I think that made him feel telling him he had no place in our bed. He felt like I was saying he didn’t belong. . But he’d been saying that I should sleep somewhere else if I couldn’t sleep for his snoring. At no point did he say sorry for my poor nights sleep over the last few nights, or show any empathy.

He says I’m constantly criticising him. I am not, I will say to him if something is bothering me. Eg he thinks it’s ok to use his electric razor and put it back in bathroom cabinet without rinsing! Stubble is all over the drawer. It’s disgusting. When I brought it up initially he just said he’d always done that and made out I was being ridiculous. When I’ve brought it up since he’s highly defensive and says I’m criticising him again - he feels he’s always in trouble.

I’ve said to him, I’m not your Mum, you aren’t in trouble. I’m just asking you logically to consider that it’s a bit gross.

He said how do I think it feels to be constantly criticised? I said how does he thinks it feels to have no voice and feel he has no respect for me because anything I have a problem with is seen as criticism?

I have suggested counselling but he absolutely refuses.

What's really pitiful is you actually think it's all sorted out now in your relationship when you are in denial of how bizarre this really is. He needs regular,intense psychotherapy by the sounds of his emotional lability

@justilou1 yes it really was. He'd be snoring like a rhino and eventually I d go and try to sleep on the sofa. He'd wake up, realise i wasn't there, find me on the sofa then wake me up to go back to bed. Every Fucking Time!
He refused to seek help and I couldn't cope with the lack of sleep and his uncaring attitude any more

Don't have children with him. Father's are supposed to teach boys to use the toilet without getting pee on the seat/floor/walls. He's not going to be able to do that as clearly nobody taught him. Does he pee on the seat at work, OP? Have you considered the possibility he may be spraying up down and all around to show his contempt for you and his resentment that you don't treat him with more adulation?

Im usually devils advocate on posts like this, but I feel so very uncomfortable about your update. I echo the others who ask "what did YOU get out of the conversation, other than instructions on how to pacify him

Urgh husband was like this. Always the victim. Always the poor put upon one. Always the one picked on. It's incredibly grating after a while isn't it. Everything has to be a massive drama whether it's obvious they are in the wrong or not.

It nearly split us up and it took his MH hitting rock bottom for him to get some therapy and grow up.

It's changed our whole relationship and I realised just how much our relationship had been about me caring for him rather than being a mutual couple. I would start something upset or frustrated and end up looking after him because he was upset that he had been criticised and that turned in to a molehill of mytrdom and self pity.

He looks back and is embarrassed by his actions now.

He had a neglectful childhood in a household with a very dramatic mother and highly expressed emotions. It gives a hangover but as an adult he has a choice to continue the same destructive patterns or go and get some support and grow up.

Your partner is controlling you. It took me time to see too but he's basically saying that if you're upset about something or need something different than what he's giving he won't give that and that the relationship is over because he can't. Thing is he can. He just realises it takes effort to compromise and he doesn't want to.

For a short term practical solution, you could try my approach for the women's toilet in my corridor at work.
I put several notices on the walls with a reminder not to leave pee on the rim.
That should remind him and shame him to the cleaner and guests.

But you'd be better leaving him because he has contempt for you.

He's crying because he thinks he's not as important as a child. And you think that's not manipulative?

Does he do anything at all around the house? Of course he doesn't

My 13 year old can remember to clean his toilet up when he's done why on earth are you reminding him?

Does he have a phone? He can set himself a reminder on there rather than demanding someone else do the emotional labour for him like he's a child.

Christ.

Also read...

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Also useful for both of you to read.

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

What the author fails to realise is that leaving the glass in the sink/leaving pee on the toilet seat is leaving it for you to deal with. Because they know it will end up in the washing machine - by you - or washed - by you.

He’s said he feels unimportant in our house and 3rd class with me 1st our son second and then him. I’ve told him I want him to feel important and will try to do more things that make him feel equal. It makes me sad he doesn’t feel like that. He can’t think what I could do to make him feel like that. So I’ll have to have a think.*

Yes, think how manipulative this is 👆

I said to him last night I’d rather he set a reminder on his phone to clean it every week and he said ok. I said it shouldn’t be my responsibility and he said he could see that.

He’s not an utter shit people. He’s just a bit hopeless at remembering to do things.

I don’t think I must have described our talk very well. Yes, I felt like he understood that I hadn’t felt important when he didn’t care that I couldn’t sleep for his snoring and that his stubble in the drawer and pissy seat disgusted me but he didn’t care. He said he did think how I felt was important but he had been defensive because he felt like I’d been non stop having a go at him and it was just another thing to moan about (we did have a massive argument at the weekend about the state of the kitchen, for which I apologised for as I think I was unfair).

I said what happens with the next thing that bothers me? Do I just shut up and not say anything? To which his grimaced and I said, I wasn’t planning on being annoyed at something but these things happen. He said of course I should be able to say something to him and he shouldn’t fly off the handle. It was because he felt it had been every other day I was getting on at him. He said sorry for telling me initially to go sleep somewhere else when I wasn’t able to sleep for his snoring and said he did that my sleep was important. He had been annoyed thinking I was having a go and wasn’t properly listening.

So, what I take from this is, I feel like my opinions matter. I feel like he still can’t take criticism very well, but who can. I do think that I will try to hold in what’s bothering me until I am calmer.

Oh btw, counselling, I think I got the root of it. He said he thinks a counsellor would just take one person side. So I guess he’s scared of being told he’s in the wrong. I’ve told him it’s not like that.

With regards to him feeling he comes last in the house. He doesn’t feel important and I don’t think it’s very nice whoever said diddums. I want him to feel important and that he matters. I’d hope if I said that to him he’d want me to feel important too. He means things like me just going ahead and getting a coat hook when he said he didn’t want one in the porch. Things like me not taking his opinion into consideration which I know isn’t right. I just knew we needed a coat hook there

I’m not sure who has said I was TTC, I haven’t said that?

How about you start not noticing the things you routinely do just for him, like washing his clothes, if you do? Then tell him you're sorry, you just didn't see the dirty things, he will have to take responsibility for reminding you every time. Then when he does remind you, put on your hurt puppy face and squeeze out some tears while telling him you feel controlled and attacked. See how he likes them apples

Haha I love that. I did actually say that to him last night. As sometimes his work clothes aren’t washed when he needs them. I said he needs to remind me to do it otherwise he’ll have to get them out the washing basket.

Don't lend him your mind, he can use devices to help him.

Yes, you have a good outcome and are a team after all. Noone should be making unilateral decisions after the other has expressed an opinion. Look up the policy of joint agreement. It's a great way to keep everyone feeling important.

@doublebarrellednurse yes it does sound like the same situation. I think with my DH he just doesn’t feel appreciated but then I don’t know if he ever will as I think it’s down to his upbringing, he’s never going to feel good enough.

So I will try to make him feel loved. He pointed out I’m never affectionate - I’m not since having our DS - so I will try to be more affectionate.

Stop pussyfooting around him ffs and stop being his mother. He can do his own washing. My 12 yo manages to stock a wash on if she needs stuff and my 4yo ds knows he needs to clean up any urine that misses the bowl. And yes it is a case of diddums. He wants to be number one because he's emotionally still a child. My exH was like this. He had an affair to make himself feel better and I divorced him. Life is much much better without him and his manchild behaviour.

I don’t think it’s fair he should do his washing when I’m not working.

He doesn’t want to be number 1 but wants to feel equal.

We disagree on parenting styles for our 1 year old so we just do it my way - gentle parenting, which he doesn’t agree with (he has 2 teenage children) and thinks I should take his opinion into consideration. He is right but I don’t agree with his approach. Although atm I’m wondering if things like timeout would be a good idea as DS won’t leave the tree alone . So it’s a bunch of things that make him feel unimportant in our house.

"I’m not sure who has said I was TTC, I haven’t said that?"

Not on this thread, no.

"he just doesn’t feel appreciated but then I don’t know if he ever will as I think it’s down to his upbringing, he’s never going to feel good enough."

You can't fix this. You are not responsible for filling the gaping void left by his childhood. He has to fix this himself with therapy.

Hmm that’s a bit creepy stalking me and not right mentioning on a different thread.

No, I know I can’t fix him. I’m sure it will all come to a head eventually. But then I’m not perfect either, I have issues from childhood too.

It's a public forum, it's not stalking.
Anyway, best of luck to you - you certainly need it.

It is a bit. What next, are you going to find my Facebook profile?

Same to you. I think you do.

Well that will teach me to share my own experience in the hope of being helpful!

Luckily for me I don't have to remind my own husband to wipe his piss off the toilet seat.

So, this is his second (at least) long term relationship, it seems.
What happened with the mother of his teenage children?
What happens when they're at yours? Do you also have to clean their pee?

It is weird that some people are so invested they somehow remember or look up other posts etc.

But this is one of the things about MN OP, we run the risk of others telling us things we don't want to hear and are trying to keep schtum about!

You need to namechange if you want a totally blank slate. If people remember your name from another thread are they just supposed to pretend they haven't seen it?

Anyway there was a great thread on here a few years ago about passive-aggressive partners. Someone quoted from a book in there that I kept bookmarked because it captured my ex so well it's creepy. Book is 'Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man'.

"The man with passive aggressive behavior needs someone to be the object of his hidden hostility. He needs an adversary whose expectations and demands he can resist as he plays out the dance he learned from his parents. He chooses a woman who will agree to be on the receiving end of his disowned anger. He resists her in small ways setting up a pattern of frustration so that she gets to express the anger that he cannot.

The biggest irritant in being with a passive aggressive man is that he doesn't follow through on his agreements and promises. He dodges responsibility while insisting he's pulling his weight. He procrastinates, takes on big projects but doesn't finish them then feels put upon or hostile if someone else tries to finish it. He often ignores reality as to his irresponsibility and withdrawal. He denies evidence, distorts minimalizes or lies to make his version of reality seem logical.

He uses vague language to stonewall the partner. Inconsistency and ambiguity are his tools of choice. He often gives double messages and expects his partner to read his mind and meet his needs saying ‘She should have known how it is.' He withholds information and has a hidden agenda. He can't take criticism and makes excuses to get himself off the hook. He sulks and uses silence when confronted about his inability to live up to his promises, obligations or responsibilities. When he doesn't follow through, he puts the blame on his partner so he doesn't have to take it and accuses her of having the problem.

The man with this type of pattern shows little consideration of the time, feelings, standards or needs of others. He obstructs and block progress to others getting what they want and then ignores or minimalizes their dissatisfactions and anger. He is silent when confronted as he has never learned to compromise. He may be a workaholic, a womanizer, hooked on TV, caught in addictions or self-involved hobbies.

He feels others demand too much of him so resists in overt and subtle ways and feels deprived if must give in to others. The man who copes with conflict by not being there has strong conflict over dependency. He desperately wants attention but fears being swallowed up by the partner. He can't be alone and live without a woman in his life, but can't be with partner emotionally. He's caught in a Catch 22--wanting affection but avoiding it because he fears it as his destruction. He resents feeling dependent on the woman so must keep her off guard. He makes his partner feel like a nothing through his neglect or irritability but he keeps her around because he needs her. His script is ‘Be here for me, but don't come too close and don't burden me with your needs or expectations.'"

if that's not your bloke then excellent, but if it is then that book looks worth a read.

@AnotherEmma you were helpful actually. But after my update last night you seemed quite gleeful that my husband was much much worse than yours. Which I thought was unkind. Plus, I did not choose to share that information on this thread as it’s not the issue I was wanting advice with.