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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband highly sensitive to criticism means I have no say

324 replies

JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 07:55

It’s driving me crazy. I’m very open and honest and have been brought up to say what’s on my mind.

He on the other hand has been brought up with a domineering mother who he is to this day still trying to gain approval and love for. He says he never feels good enough for her.

He clearly has the same thing going on with me. He was in tears today after an argument about his snoring. I said he should sleep somewhere else because I can’t sleep (with earplugs). After much shouting and talks of divorce he broke down crying saying how did I think that made him feel telling him he had no place in our bed. He felt like I was saying he didn’t belong. . But he’d been saying that I should sleep somewhere else if I couldn’t sleep for his snoring. At no point did he say sorry for my poor nights sleep over the last few nights, or show any empathy.

He says I’m constantly criticising him. I am not, I will say to him if something is bothering me. Eg he thinks it’s ok to use his electric razor and put it back in bathroom cabinet without rinsing! Stubble is all over the drawer. It’s disgusting. When I brought it up initially he just said he’d always done that and made out I was being ridiculous. When I’ve brought it up since he’s highly defensive and says I’m criticising him again - he feels he’s always in trouble.

I’ve said to him, I’m not your Mum, you aren’t in trouble. I’m just asking you logically to consider that it’s a bit gross.

He said how do I think it feels to be constantly criticised? I said how does he thinks it feels to have no voice and feel he has no respect for me because anything I have a problem with is seen as criticism?

I have suggested counselling but he absolutely refuses.

OP posts:

BercowsFestiveFlamingo · 03/12/2019 16:46

I hope someone else who is in a similar position to OP is being helped by this thread even if OP refuses to acknowledge that this is an abusive, toxic relationship that is going nowhere. It's not easy realising your are in an abusive relationship when it's not physical abuse.
OP I'd recommend reading Why Does He Do That. I think it will prove insightful.

NearlyGranny · 03/12/2019 17:02

The issue - and I have it too - is that DH gets so emotional about the slightest request, the drawing attention to something that is creating extra work or repeated annoyance. My DH is a sloppy washer up leaving rings inside cups, egg on plates and crud on saucepan rims. He also cursorily brushes off chopping boards and knives and puts them back with the clean ones. O go to make a cuppa or sandwich and have to wash everything before I start.

But mention it to him and he's being controlled, victimised, attacked!

There's just the two of us now and we agreed to use the dishwasher only at weekends but I thought, bother that. It runs every day when we're home so we can have things clean and not get food poisoning. He's noticed, but not said anything.

We're away ATM so it's a nice rest from it all!

wishingyouluck · 03/12/2019 17:13

My partner is like this too. If I recommend something is done in a different way - eg. Ask him not to put his gross gym bag on the dining room table then he gets upset and says that I'm being controlling. He is like this about everything I 'suggest'. It causes a lot of friction and I find myself biting my tongue a lot!!

5LeafClover · 03/12/2019 17:41

He is using the fact that you don't want to leave him against you which is not very kind.

You can't force him to respect you. Go to counseling by yourself...put your focus on you and your needs for a bit.

SummerPavillion · 03/12/2019 17:47

All his constant talk about the relationship ending - could it be that's what he wants but he hasn't got the balls to do it?

Sorry if that's blunt.

TowelNumber42 · 03/12/2019 18:17

I know. Now he gets to be angry at me because I texted him something horrible whilst he was at work. I was just so angry. This will turn into all about him now and how I’m in the wrong. My feelings won’t come into it."

No no no. You are falling into the trap!

You have to be absolutely perfect. If you are less than perfect you lose all rights to be upset about anything. You can never be angry. You can never be upset. These things make you less than perfect.

You are not permitted to make any mistakes. At all. If you make a mistake he has the right to berate you as much as he wants. You must take it. You must feel guilty. Even if the "mistake" was to be angry at him for treating you badly.

He is allowed to make mistakes. Any mistakes. If you mention a mistake then he is allowed to berate you, scream, cry, tantrum away. He is allowed to be angry. He is allowed to be upset. He is allowed to be furious with you. Even if the mistake was to treat you badly.

See? Heads he wins, tails you lose.

Fuck those rules.

RockinHippy · 03/12/2019 19:21

Urgh, he's a passive aggressive control freak & that behaviour makes him about as attractive as a bin full of dog shit.

Tell him to grow the fuck up, stop with the pathetic tears or ship out

Windmillwhirl · 03/12/2019 19:25

It's blatantly controlling. You aren't allowed to question him because he views that as criticism.

Pity you can't see this for what it clearly is, op.

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 03/12/2019 19:33

He is training you to never ever complain. Training you to not raise issues. Training you to pander to him. Because you learn or you will learn that challenging him is not worth it.

He will have you almost trained when you realise that you have to pick your battles and let most things go but then over time you just let it ALL go. That's when you are fully trained up.

user1479305498 · 03/12/2019 20:43

I'm going to be honest Julie, I married a pretty messy but personally very clean guy. After a while i realised that he wasn't going to clear up shaving hair or constantly wipe work tops down, so I decided just to let my standards drop too, rather than run around after him or I would go nuts. The thing is no one likes feeling unrelaxed at home (believe me I lived with mr nelly neat for 3 years) . If he isn't going to change then you have 3 options, turn into Mrs mop, relax your standards and maybe get a cleaner in once every 2 weeks or split and find someone who is more house proud than your DH, allowing him to maybe find someone who is quite happy with let's say'relaxed' standards.

user1479305498 · 03/12/2019 20:45

And I think think the word controlling is being bandied about far too much here, he is just a bit of a slob who isn't it would seem prepared to step up to Julie's standards. Neither are necessarily right so something has to give.

Lotus90 · 03/12/2019 20:51

You don't sound very compatible

Original poster

JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 20:56

We have sorted it out. I sent him an email today with two sections - what’s bothering him and what’s bothering me. I outlined how I thought he felt and I outlined how I felt.

He came home and wanted to talk as a result. He realises I do understand he feels criticised. He said he will need me to remind him every week to clean the toilet seat bowl (Would rather it wasn’t left to me to remind him but it’s a compromise) but he will do it. He also doesn’t see stubble in the drawer as a problem but understands that I do. So he will wash his razor before putting it away.

He’s said he feels unimportant in our house and 3rd class with me 1st our son second and then him. I’ve told him I want him to feel important and will try to do more things that make him feel equal. It makes me sad he doesn’t feel like that. He can’t think what I could do to make him feel like that. So I’ll have to have a think.

He said he doesn’t have a problem with me saying what’s bothering me but that lately he felt it was constant and so was on the defence.

OP posts:

Longfacenow · 03/12/2019 20:58

I'm really pleased you had a chat OP. Keep revisiting the emotions that matter underneath this for both of you and check in regularly.

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 03/12/2019 21:01

I bet you don't feel very important either. Do you feel important when you're ignored and cast as the baddie for asking for something quite reasonable? You're doing everything, you ask for help and you're made feel bad. Does that make you feel ''important''?

BercowsFestiveFlamingo · 03/12/2019 21:02

Yep, he's got you well trained. An adult shouldn't need to be reminded to clean the toilet ffs. He's MAKING you act like his bloody mother. Jesus Christ OP WAKE UP! He's a pathetic manchild.

Carrotgirl87 · 03/12/2019 21:06

Sounds like a really positive and sensible way to handle things, and pleased for you you've both been heard and he will make some effort too. Good outcome I'd say

AnotherEmma · 03/12/2019 21:10

" He said he will need me to remind him every week to clean the toilet seat bowl"

Fuck that

"He’s said he feels unimportant in our house and 3rd class with me 1st our son second and then him."

Fucking diddums

But you've bought it hook line and sinker!

You were keen on counselling but now you're satisfied with a little to do list to Keep Your Man Happy!

MarianaMoatedGrange · 03/12/2019 21:11

So him leaving a pissy toilet seat for you to clean made him feel more important?

AnotherEmma · 03/12/2019 21:12

Classic man ego right there.
What a loser.

Longfacenow · 03/12/2019 21:12

I assumed that he was going to start his own chores list or using a reminder on his phone, not that OP was physically going to remind him. I missed that bit!

AnyFucker · 03/12/2019 21:21

This is what you are reduced to:

reminding a grown man to wipe his piss off the toilet seat
soothing his jealousy of his own children
finding ever more inventive ways to stroke his fragile ego

If you can still feel sexual attraction to this utter tosser after all this I despair. I really do.

Original poster

JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 21:24

Ahh the toilet seat thing...he said he hadn’t noticed it. I said it was dried in and yellow, how did you not see that when you used it this morning? He said he hadn’t

I cleaned the toilet today because the cleaner comes on a Tuesday. He needs reminding the cleaner is coming. He said he doesn’t think I or the cleaner should be cleaning up his urine.

I have to remind him to take the bin out every week, if I don’t then he does forget and the bin doesn’t get emptied.

I know ideally I shouldn’t have to remind him. It doesn’t bother me that much in the scheme of things though.

OP posts:

HowdidIenduphere · 03/12/2019 21:27

Yeah your latest update is awful!

He wants you to remind him to keep tidy - um haven't you been doing that already and it's viewed as "criticism" and also he's an adult! he shouldn't need you to be his to do list, that's what an actual to do list is for - I'm sure his fingers aren't broken and he is semi-literate? Yes? well he can write his own and be responsible for his half of keeping things tidy can't he?

As for the now you feel bad/guilty he feels unimportant, you feel the need to make him feel important and bolster his confidence.

^ THIS IS A TRAP! I can't stress enough that you have fallen into the pit I fell into multiple times!

You feeling guilty for making him feel bad and subsequently put time, love and effort into rectifying that... While he continueds to treat you with disdain, no care for your feelings or how unimportant you felt and still feel.

Until you realise later down the line that is what happened, you get mad and the whole cycle starts again because he is good at showing remorse and great at showing he understands and wants to change... but he never does.

It's all about getting you to facilitate him without ever having to make any effort to facilitate you. Smoke and mirrors and misdirection I'm afraid lovey and you can't see that yet sadly. I hope you do before too much damage has been done to you.

When he does finally lose control of you be prepared for the man you think of as kind and good to truly turn out to be really and truly neither of these things at heart, the kind and good is a mask he wears to get what he wants from you and anyone else.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 03/12/2019 21:29

I wonder if he needs constant reminding at work on how to do his job?

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