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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband highly sensitive to criticism means I have no say

324 replies

JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 07:55

It’s driving me crazy. I’m very open and honest and have been brought up to say what’s on my mind.

He on the other hand has been brought up with a domineering mother who he is to this day still trying to gain approval and love for. He says he never feels good enough for her.

He clearly has the same thing going on with me. He was in tears today after an argument about his snoring. I said he should sleep somewhere else because I can’t sleep (with earplugs). After much shouting and talks of divorce he broke down crying saying how did I think that made him feel telling him he had no place in our bed. He felt like I was saying he didn’t belong. Confused. But he’d been saying that I should sleep somewhere else if I couldn’t sleep for his snoring. At no point did he say sorry for my poor nights sleep over the last few nights, or show any empathy.

He says I’m constantly criticising him. I am not, I will say to him if something is bothering me. Eg he thinks it’s ok to use his electric razor and put it back in bathroom cabinet without rinsing! Stubble is all over the drawer. It’s disgusting. When I brought it up initially he just said he’d always done that and made out I was being ridiculous. When I’ve brought it up since he’s highly defensive and says I’m criticising him again - he feels he’s always in trouble.

I’ve said to him, I’m not your Mum, you aren’t in trouble. I’m just asking you logically to consider that it’s a bit gross.

He said how do I think it feels to be constantly criticised? I said how does he thinks it feels to have no voice and feel he has no respect for me because anything I have a problem with is seen as criticism?

I have suggested counselling but he absolutely refuses.

OP posts:
Original poster
JulieJones22 · 04/12/2019 13:20

@MarianaMoatedGrange I know Confused

OP posts:
Catmaiden · 04/12/2019 13:44

It really IS about his control, you know

Treesthemovie · 04/12/2019 13:51

Oh OP you are totally in denial about the situation. He is a control freak

AnotherEmma · 04/12/2019 13:55

Glad he is reading about it at least.
Do you think he will read Toxic Parents?

Original poster
JulieJones22 · 04/12/2019 14:03

Leaving this thread now. Thanks everyone for your insight and support.

OP posts:
MsNobodyHere · 04/12/2019 14:31

I had a man-child. I had to be on top of and in charge of every little thing or it never got done. 3 years it took to do a bit of painting that took him about an hour when he finally did it. I would try not saying anything, he still never took the initiative. One time he brought the washing in and dumped it by the back door where he walked in. I decided I wouldn't say anything and just waited to see what he did. 5 days later it was still there so I heaved it upstairs (was a big basketful), only then did he sayhe would take it up for me. I declined his kind offer. 1 small example of years of this.

I left him. It's so much better. He even admitted he became my child rather than my partner after we split. It's incredibly unattractive.

I'm now with someone who gets something done straight away. God it's a refreshing change after nearly 20 years of the former!

MsNobodyHere · 04/12/2019 14:33

Oh, my point also was that anything I said ever, he took as a criticism. I even had to point out many times I was just saying something. Every single thing he thought was an attack when it really wasn't. If there was something he knew full well he did, then it got thrown back to me instead. Utterly exhausting and it grinds you down.

Longfacenow · 04/12/2019 14:39

@JulieJones22 you're very welcome and best of luck to you guys

Windmillwhirl · 04/12/2019 14:44

He's right about the counsellor though. They would definitely see him as controlling because it's obvious

AnotherEmma · 04/12/2019 15:12

I did wonder if he thinks a couple's counsellor will take sides because of past experience. Perhaps he had counselling with the mother of his older children and felt that the counsellor took sides.

Lweji · 04/12/2019 15:23

Perhaps he had counselling with the mother of his older children and felt that the counsellor took sides.

As in told him to stop leaving piss on the toilet?

I bet he had the same issues with previous partners.

SleighOfSparkliness · 04/12/2019 15:53

Boney M sang a song about it:
Mary’s Man-Child.

HowdidIenduphere · 04/12/2019 19:40

AnyFucker I honestly don't think it is a spoof, I am a reasonably intelligent, independent and opinionated woman and ended up in a very similar position it sounds like to OP. It was abusive but I didn't know it for years because the PA partner is master at credibility and "honest" mistakes.

OP I missed the bit about you guys TTC, if this is true please consider putting off TTC until after you have had SEPARATE therapies.

Separate therapy is very important in this case I feel as you need someone to understand your point of view and counsel you on this situation. He needs counselling on his end and eventually couples counselling COULD be a possibility but I think maybe not.

Do read this article, it helped me a lot on top of the other threads here on PA:
lynnenamka.com/anger-management/anger-management-articles/the-boomerang-relationship/

AnyFucker · 04/12/2019 21:17

I was just hoping it was a spoof, really

Original poster
JulieJones22 · 05/12/2019 08:35

I have to reply one last time. You guys in here that are INSISTING that my DH is actually a controlling monster have had me doubting my sanity. You guys actually made it worse. No matter what I’ve said you’ve twisted around to an example of him being controlling. When I’ve said he’s not, you’ve twisted that round to me me being blind. He didn’t want a coat hook in the porch - how controlling. But me doing it regardless, that’s not controlling and dismissing his needs? He didn’t want it there because it’s messy and makes it a bit awkward to get in the living room. But no there’s hidden meaning to that. He’s keeping me down. Confused

I get that some of you have had horrible relationships and your exs were controlling. I’m glad you’ve got out of there. I would absolutely do the same. I grew up in a horrible environment and will NEVER let a man treat me how I see my Mum treated. As a result, I don’t take any shit.

The actual truth of the situation is my DH has different standards to me. Yes down to not thinking a pissy toilet seat is gross. I know, he is like a teenager. I know this. I knew he was like this when I got with him, but there was enough other stuff there for me to overlook this. I have faults. I worry too much, I get anxious. I have social anxiety.

He also is sensitive to criticism. As other people on this thread have said. Does this make them controlling? It doesn’t stop me telling him when something pisses me off though. Yes it’s not fucking right when he said I need to remind him to clean the toilet. I know!! So I told him and he agreed. No one commented on that or how supportive he is in me getting a new job or any of his positives. You’re just blinded to your view that HE IS CONTROLLING.

Maybe guys, project less and just read what I am telling you without trying to find hidden meaning in it.

Summary. I live with a man who is more like a teenager and needs prompting to pull his weight from time to time. Yes this puts me in a Mum role. No I don’t like that. He probably doesn’t like that I’m always getting on about something and he can’t relax. Yin and Yang. We’ll get through it. He’s not a fucking monster.

Go on, wish me luck and let me know that once day I’ll realise I am being controlled. Or maybe just be a bit grown up and let yourself perhaps be wrong. Maybe it just is how I’m telling you.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 05/12/2019 08:52

It is just how you are telling us. That doesn't mean it's not controlling. Coercive control is insidious.

Original poster
JulieJones22 · 05/12/2019 09:05

You’re controlling.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 05/12/2019 09:11

The thing with teenagers is that they don't grow up until they HAVE to. How many of us know 50+ year old men who still live with their mothers and behave like sulky fourteen year old boys, because they've never had to learn to adult?

Your DH needs to learn to adult appropriately. His mother clearly didn't teach him to, but I'm not sure it's a wife's job to guide her adult partner into being a grown up.

Maybe that's why people are jumping on the 'controlling' bandwagon?

Original poster
JulieJones22 · 05/12/2019 09:13

A confirmation bias is a type of cognitive bias that involves favoring information that confirms your previously existing beliefs or biases.

For example, imagine that a person holds a belief that left-handed people are more creative than right-handed people. Whenever this person encounters a person that is both left-handed and creative, they place greater importance on this "evidence" that supports what they already believe. This individual might even seek "proof" that further backs up this belief while discounting examples that don't support the idea

OP posts:
BercowsFestiveFlamingo · 05/12/2019 09:24

Yep, you are full of confirmation bias OP. Why did you start this thread as you certainly don't want to hear the replies? As an aside you might find your MH improves if you get away from this toxic relationship. There's a wealth of knowledge and experience from posters on this thread but you won't listen because it doesn't fit the narrative you desperately want to believe. I feel sorry for your son because he will grow up normalising this shit and it will affect his future relationships.

AnyFucker · 05/12/2019 10:02

I don’t take any shit

From what you have written on this thread you most certainly have been doing and seem resigned to continue doing.

Carrotgirl87 · 05/12/2019 10:08

@JulieJones22 officially team Julie. I 100% agree with everything you've said this morning. Lazy, slovenly, careless he might be, but a controlling abusive bully (based on your posts) he is not and I'm actually amazed at the way this thread has gone.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2019 10:11

Re your comment:-
"I grew up in a horrible environment and will NEVER let a man treat me how I see my Mum treated. As a result, I don’t take any shit".

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents so what did yours teach you?. Some men like supposedly "strong" women because they see them as a further challenge to bring down to their level. Do not discount the possibility that this is happening to you.

Re your second sentence but you do and you continue to take same from him.

Lweji · 05/12/2019 10:14

People are suspecting he is actually a controlling bastard from the "sensitivity" to criticism and the "not feeling important" aspects.
Those are designed to allow him to have his way all the time (or he doesn't feel important) and not improve in his consideration to his partner (sensitivity to criticism).

It's not a matter of different standards if he leaves a dirty toilet for his partner to sit on. It's lack of consideration. Plain and simple.

AnotherEmma · 05/12/2019 10:34

FWIW I don't think he's great but I also don't think he's controlling Flowers

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