100% Team Julie here too and I don't mean to be challenging it's just that I see a lot of me about a year ago in your posts - It's true I may be projecting but if so then maybe I am doing no harm because I am not trying to be combative about it, just wouldn't want another woman going through what I went through.
I was in 2 prior relationships that were overtly abusive and when I left my last Ex I decided to spend some time alone to work on what made me fall for men that were so awful to me and what made me stay for so long.
When I met my STBXH I was happy in myself, productive and active with a fun job and a social life. I thought that I had learnt to recognise abuse.
Passive Aggression is so very insidious that it took me years of unhappiness that I couldn't define to others (similar small incidents like your pissy toilet seat and the resistance to the coat hook which turned out after the fact to be useful/ a great idea in hindsight as far as he's concerned?), and years of trying to deal with the fallout of the cognitive dissonance created by his actions not matching the reality.
I found it maddening to try and sync up his absolute understanding of what he did/didn't do that was bound to upset me as shown by experience, from the small to the big stuff - he was able to explain unaided (at times, others of the same incident would be met with blank "I don't know"'s to be later met with absolute understanding again) - but yet time and time again he did the same things over and over.
Like I said earlier his go to excuse was "honest mistake, will try harder next time", his other favourites were 'life' "got in the way", or in cases where it was basic human responses "I've never done this before and you're so much more emotionally intelligent than I am"
I read somewhere on here I think "You shouldn't have to teach someone not to be an arsehole" as in you shouldn't have to teach anyone to treat you with consideration and respect, let alone someone who professes to love you. I really am going to try and live by that myself but I like it as a good quote for those being treated shoddily for whatever reason.
FWIW I still struggle to use the term ABUSE when it comes to my STBXH because it is such a weird form of abusive relationship, I still struggle to straighten out how he projected himself as Kind, Funny, Loyal, Honest, Family Man, Generous with Time & Spare Money if we had it, Sensitive etc with who he really was which was Cruel, Unkind, A Stranger, A Knowing Abuser who Punished me with PA for (perceived) Injustices Against HIM.
It took years for me to see it for what it was Julie and when I did it was a shock I can tell you, it still is!
Have you had a look at that article/ tried any previous threads on PA at all?
I say all this with kindness ^ If I'm wrong, which I honestly hope I am! It is possible it's not all that bad and this is just a momentary snapshot of an otherwise happy life together.
If it is, unknown to you, actually as bad as it sounds to an outsider reading those articles/threads may just help you see it for what it is quicker and save you some hurt and emotional/financial damage along the way.
People seem unkind or controlling on threads like these because they know how hard it is to spot from the inside.
No one here wants to see another woman go through what they did if they can help at all so whats the harm in a little extra-curricular reading?
You weren't wrong for posting. It is upsetting to have someone ignore even a small consideration in your favour, especially after you have pointed it out not once, but a few times.
Don't be afraid to shine a light into dark corners, there shouldn't be anything there to see. If there is, do take a little comfort from the poster who's partner sought help and became a better (and happier from the sounds of it) partner. At least in the worst case scenario, there is an alternative outcome to what happened in my case with a partner who wasn't ready to face themselves and take steps forward in life.