Husband highly sensitive to criticism means I have no say

[JulieJones22]

It’s driving me crazy. I’m very open and honest and have been brought up to say what’s on my mind.

He on the other hand has been brought up with a domineering mother who he is to this day still trying to gain approval and love for. He says he never feels good enough for her.

He clearly has the same thing going on with me. He was in tears today after an argument about his snoring. I said he should sleep somewhere else because I can’t sleep (with earplugs). After much shouting and talks of divorce he broke down crying saying how did I think that made him feel telling him he had no place in our bed. He felt like I was saying he didn’t belong. . But he’d been saying that I should sleep somewhere else if I couldn’t sleep for his snoring. At no point did he say sorry for my poor nights sleep over the last few nights, or show any empathy.

He says I’m constantly criticising him. I am not, I will say to him if something is bothering me. Eg he thinks it’s ok to use his electric razor and put it back in bathroom cabinet without rinsing! Stubble is all over the drawer. It’s disgusting. When I brought it up initially he just said he’d always done that and made out I was being ridiculous. When I’ve brought it up since he’s highly defensive and says I’m criticising him again - he feels he’s always in trouble.

I’ve said to him, I’m not your Mum, you aren’t in trouble. I’m just asking you logically to consider that it’s a bit gross.

He said how do I think it feels to be constantly criticised? I said how does he thinks it feels to have no voice and feel he has no respect for me because anything I have a problem with is seen as criticism?

I have suggested counselling but he absolutely refuses.

He thinks I am controlling and bossy and he is the victim here.

Well then result, if this is the case, counselling would help him put this across to you so that you see what he’s saying and help you both find better ways to address problems.

But it sounds like he doesn’t see counselling as a way to fix a problem with the relationship, because he can’t hear past “problem” without concluding he’s under attack and resorting to sulking/crying/threatening divorce to make it go away.

I don’t think you can build a happy marriage on foundations like this, really. But you can’t fix the problem unless both of you want to fix it and it sounds like he doesn’t.

If course it could be the op who is controlling by constantly micro managing little things like where he puts his razor.
Not saying she is but we don't actually know where the balance lies.

My XH was like that about any feedback. Even though I did try to frame it in a non critical way. I think you should still try to do that - telling someone what they're doing is disgusting is not the way to get them to hear you. But it sounds like counselling would be a very good option.

My last boyfriend had a minor op on his nose to cure his snoring because he was so concerned about the impact on me. Have you discussed your DH going to the doctor? There are some options for treatment that address the problem - rather than simply arguing about whose responsibility it is to move rooms.

Yeah I had an ex like that, and would take everything the wrong way, even when joking/ messing around. It would result in him flouncing off and not speaking for a couple of days.

It wears you down, wears the relationship down as your having to constantly either choose your words very carefully or not speak at all.

He’s an ex for a reason.

Can you try a different tact.

You - dh can you clean the bathroom cabinet as there are hairs all over it from your beard trimmer

You - DH what are you doing about your snoring?
Him - I've tried everything
You - I've been getting no sleep and it's making me poorly

• tumbleweed -

Then repeat

That way you're not critiquing him, you're asking him to fix it

@Longfacenow re Gottman love bank - I have just been reading about it. It totally makes sense. I don't feel he is listening to my needs and he doesn't feel I am listening to him when he says he feels like he can't do anything right. I have also just been reading about mirroring. Where one partner has to repeat what the other person says so they can empathise and so the other person feels heard.

@pictish I know, it's not black and white but on MN a lot of people reply as if it is. My husband is not controlling, he has issues that he choose not to address. How do you deal with criticism now? Have you found a way to listen to him or do u always feel like he's just having a moan for the sake of it?

@53rdWay Yes i agree people can be controlling without meaning to be. I am all for communication however he is a closed book.

@VenusTiger if I bought him a shaver that collected the hairs, I'd feel I was the one bending over backwards to accommodate his behaviour when I think he should see that it is filthy and do something about it. Surely no logical person could think it was ok to have stubble in bathroom drawer all over conditioner bottles, spare toothpastes etc?

He does say it is about the way I say things to him. When I mentioned the stubble I was thinking about the best way to say it for the whole 2 minutes I was brushing! I ended up saying "DH, if you look in the drawer, this is what I was meaning by what happens if you don't wash the razor". How else can I say it?

@friedbeansandcheese nicer username! No I have not told him this in so many words as he would get so defensive hearing me say these words. He would respond with "Fine! Let's just get divorced then if that is what you want".

@Lweji I don't know if I sound like his Mother. In my previous post I said how I mentioned it. I don't don't how best to say something without it upsetting him. It's not easy. He won't do counselling and he won't do couples counselling. Refuses. Says "oh no this again. This means you think our marriage is over. People only do this when their marriage is over".

@53rdWay he just puts his head in the sand. It is all me trying to find solutions.

yes @Epona1. It is exhausting. Either keep it in and simmer silently or tell them and all hell breaks loose.

He won't do counselling and he won't do couples counselling. Refuses. Says "oh no this again. This means you think our marriage is over. People only do this when their marriage is over"

Is there any chance he'd take in what you're saying better if you wrote it down in a letter/email? It sounds a bit odd I know but some people really do respond better to difficult conversations that way. Means they have a bit of time to take it in rather than going straight to ultra-defensive trying to shut you down.

I have probably made it worse as I went to clean the bathroom and there was dried in urine on the toilet seat rim . I texted him and said "I’ve just had to wipe your dried in piss off the toilet bowl rim. You’d rather I said nothing and just did it and didn’t complain?"

We have had the conversation about how it is disgusting and he needs to wipe when he's got urine on the toilet rim. He'll come home from work probably with divorce papers now

@53rdWay thank you for persisting trying to help. I have done this a few times before but he just said he felt under attack the whole time reading it. I might try it now but try writing things in there that show I am aware of how he feels, and lay off any blame things.

It’s you darling, it’s you. I mean it kindly but it is you!

Fuck your text about pee on the toilet seat. Really. He’s at work. Get a grip!

“We have had the conversation about how it is disgusting and he needs to wipe when he's got urine on the toilet rim.”

Yes mum, no mum...three bags full mum.

@pictish that's fine you are entitled to your opinion. I find it disrespectful to leave piss on the toilet seat and I don't care if he is at work. He doesn't care that I have to clean his dried in piss up

@pictish from what you've said previously I can only assume you think this is ok too and it's your OH cleaning up after you!

Assume away mum.

Hi OP,

I have a very similar problem with my DH and I think it's common.
I think many men are allergic sensitive to criticism, and it's probably because of the way they are socialised - the fragile male ego, male entitlement and all that.
I don't think it is intentionally malicious or controlling but it is absolutely infuriating.
Whenever my DH overreacts to the most minor comment from me, I point out that he is in effect conditioning me never to challenge him at all and never to point out when something is bothering me. I refused to be silenced.
I do also recognise that too much criticism is damaging, that I need to pick my battles and be mindful of the way I say things (timing, wording and tone). However, I can be "perfect" in the way I express it and he will still object.
In our case, we are working on the issue (and other issues) through counselling - we started with couple's counselling and then DH finally decided to get individual counselling of his own. It is helping but we haven't cracked it yet!
You might be interested in looking up the Gottman Method - one of the topics it covers is criticism and defensiveness. I've recently bought the book but haven't read it yet.

Sorry to write so much about myself but I think we have similar issues so I hope it's helpful. I don't think my DH is as bad as yours though. You say that your DH doesn't talk about emotions at all?! And has completely refused counselling? If I was in your position I would give him an ultimatum, counselling or divorce. I would not be willing to stay with him if he refused to even talk about it or try to improve things.

Good luck.

@JulieJones22

Ugh I hate this because you get accused of nagging like a mum as if it's your fault when someone else is acting like a child.

Should he really need to be told not to leave piss on the toilet? Of course not. But he's doing it so you either tell him or quietly and resentfully clean up his piss, meaning you are meant to accept something that upsets you but he is allowed to not accept something that upsets him.

I'm with you OP, it's so unfair you're being painted as the villain of the piece.

Why is it more important for him to be happy than you? It isn't IMO. I feel bad for you and don't understand why some people are making out you're being unreasonable for not wanting to clean up after another adult when it comes to body hair and piss!

You don't want to "nag" and be his mother obviously but if you don't the only other option is to clean up another adults piss because telling them they're leaving piss for you to clean up us going to upset them.

Do you really think OP should just put up and shut up @pictish? Why are her DH's feelings more important than hers? I genuinely don't get it.

Oh there was something else I wanted to add. My DH also has a very difficult mother and complicated dynamics in his family of origin. I have him "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward (after reading it myself) which he read and found helpful.

Or maybe you behave like a rational person and mention it in passing later on instead of sending him a snipey text at work because you’ve ‘had the conversation’

Perspective - get some!

Treestumps
Sorry but your "D"H sounds awful. Personally I wouldn't be able to forgive mine if he completely forgot a milestone birthday and then sulked at me for mentioning it!

If I absent-mindedly left pee on the loo seat, even my dh wouldn’t think to bother me at work with it. For goodness sake!

@pictish

Or behave like a rational person and don't leave piss on the toilet seat multiple times...

It's ridiculous DH has done this repeatedly and not taken into consideration that someone else, his life partner, has to wipe it up.

Perspective is fine thanks, I think partners should be respectful equals and teammates.

Everyone's different I guess!

No I have not told him this in so many words as he would get so defensive hearing me say these words. He would respond with "Fine! Let's just get divorced then if that is what you want".

How can you communicate with someone like that??? if his immediate defence position from 'small criticism' is 'let's get divorced'?

Is he like this with his friends? At work?

But if you had texted me at work to tell me I'd peed on the seat and not cleaned it, I'd be bloody cross. There's a time and a place - and this is acting like a nagging mother.

@AnotherEmma no thank you for your post. It is helpful and not too much about yourself at all. However, I can be "perfect" in the way I express it and he will still object. Yes, same here. It's hard to know how to say it. I do pick my battles, like if he pours his coffee down the sink, he won't run the tap and then it stains and I have to scrub it. It's minor in the scheme of things and most times he remembers to do it, so I don't mention it. That is a good point telling him he is telling you never to challenge or criticise him. You are right too about too much criticism. We've had a few disagreements over the weekend, for which I apologised as I think I did make a mountain out of a molehill, so he's on the defense now and is probably still feeling raw, and the snoring and the stubble were probably just salt in the "im not good enough" wound.

That is great you are getting counselling. Was it through relate? No my OH won't talk about his feelings. It does make this really hard. I will have a look at Toxic Parents thank you.

Do you make him eat cookies over the sink as well?