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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband highly sensitive to criticism means I have no say

324 replies

JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 07:55

It’s driving me crazy. I’m very open and honest and have been brought up to say what’s on my mind.

He on the other hand has been brought up with a domineering mother who he is to this day still trying to gain approval and love for. He says he never feels good enough for her.

He clearly has the same thing going on with me. He was in tears today after an argument about his snoring. I said he should sleep somewhere else because I can’t sleep (with earplugs). After much shouting and talks of divorce he broke down crying saying how did I think that made him feel telling him he had no place in our bed. He felt like I was saying he didn’t belong. Confused. But he’d been saying that I should sleep somewhere else if I couldn’t sleep for his snoring. At no point did he say sorry for my poor nights sleep over the last few nights, or show any empathy.

He says I’m constantly criticising him. I am not, I will say to him if something is bothering me. Eg he thinks it’s ok to use his electric razor and put it back in bathroom cabinet without rinsing! Stubble is all over the drawer. It’s disgusting. When I brought it up initially he just said he’d always done that and made out I was being ridiculous. When I’ve brought it up since he’s highly defensive and says I’m criticising him again - he feels he’s always in trouble.

I’ve said to him, I’m not your Mum, you aren’t in trouble. I’m just asking you logically to consider that it’s a bit gross.

He said how do I think it feels to be constantly criticised? I said how does he thinks it feels to have no voice and feel he has no respect for me because anything I have a problem with is seen as criticism?

I have suggested counselling but he absolutely refuses.

OP posts:
53rdWay · 03/12/2019 09:58

Do you think he's got used to throwing out "well then the marriage is over!" as a way to end arguments, or do you think he genuinely would rather get divorced than even try counselling?

mynameiscalypso · 03/12/2019 09:59

I am very similar to your husband (right down to the mother issues...). I find taking criticism very hard and will often get very upset at perceived criticism from my DH (even if it is not either particularly serious or meant as criticism). For me, it just reinforces my core belief that I am not good enough and never will be. However, I get that this is my issue and am getting professional help to try and deal with it.

Original poster
JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 10:00

I'd ask him what he wants you to do when something bothers you. @horse4course this a good idea

OP it sounds awful
@AtrociousCircumstance it is. But it's only when something bothers me. It usually blows up and then he'll sulk for a few days but he will change whatever it was he was doing that I thought was inconsiderate.

OP posts:
Original poster
JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 10:02

@mynameiscalypso thanks for sharing, what led you to get the counselling? My OH refuses.

@53rdWay I wonder that myself. I might call his bluff as no doubt he will say that again when he comes home. If he would rather get a divorce that deal with the issues. He doesn't think he has any issues though. He thinks I am controlling and bossy and he is the victim here.

OP posts:
Elodie2019 · 03/12/2019 10:03

You're both controlling each other. In different ways.

Original poster
JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 10:06

@prettybird thank you for sharing. It does sound very similar. My OH can't even remember his childhood before the age of 13. He can't remember what his Mum was like. It seems he has blocked it all out. His siblings all agree that she is impossible to please and complains at everything and gives nothing. E.g. she doesn't send him a birthday card yet goes in a right huff if he sends hers and its a day late Shock

What convinced your OH to get counselling?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/12/2019 10:09

So you want to put up with this from him then if your position re not leaving is the same?. I asked you what you are getting out of this relationship now; the fact you cannot or would not answer that speaks volumes. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Sulking (which is really another form of emotional abuse) is a behaviour that his mother likely did towards him constantly as a child too; he is very much a product of his own dysfunctional and abusive upbringing. This man too seems to say no to everything that does not fit in with what he wants or needs at the time.

You do not mention his father at all; where is he?.

If your H refuses to go to counselling then I would attend on my own. You need both a safe and calm environment in which to talk freely.

Re his snoring have these doctors he has seen tested him to see if sleep apnoea is the root cause?.

user1471462428 · 03/12/2019 10:09

I don’t have a comment on the abuse and I suffer this with my DP. But I think your husband has Obstructive Sleep Apnea which needs treatment.. would he visit the GP?

AspiringAmazon · 03/12/2019 10:10

@pictish My relationship sounds exactly like yours. At ours, it’s my partner that wants everything just so whereas I’m much more laidback and scatty. I often get told off and criticised and there have been tears shed on occasion. I guess that also makes me manipulative and controlling.

mynameiscalypso · 03/12/2019 10:11

@JulieJones22 Honestly, it's because one of the manifestations of how I feel is an eating disorder and that has got bad at various points. I'd like to think I still would have got help for the sake of my relationship though even without that additional push.

Original poster
JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 10:11

Yes he has been tested for sleep apnoea. I think it's because he's overweight, Another thorny subject.

HI father just does whatever he is told. His Mum will ask him for a cup of tea and he jumps up and does it. I can see why OH doesn't want to be in a relationship like that. I am not like that though. I just ask for consideration.

OP posts:
Goldenchildsmum · 03/12/2019 10:12

We’ve been together for 23 years now...we love each other and make up for the discrepancies in opinion in other areas. I won’t pretend we’re floating on a pink cloud of marital bliss but neither is it fucked.

Then I apologise @pictish

I was obviously projecting my own (similar) situation , which WAS fucked and is now thankfully over, onto you and the OP.

Thanks
Original poster
JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 10:13

I am starting counselling on wednesday, is is for my own issues, namely anxiety due to a traumatic childhood.

OP posts:
BercowsFestiveFlamingo · 03/12/2019 10:17

Hopefully the counselling will help you address why your bar is so low as to accept this behaviour from him and not see it as abusive.
I was with someone very similar a couple of years ago now. Life's too short for shit relationships.

Longfacenow · 03/12/2019 10:19

I hope that helps. Both of you might be struggling with childhood issues impacting on how you relate to each other. It doesn't make it anyone's fault necessarily.

Do read up on the Gottman love bank though. Criticism is one of the biggest threats to intimacy.

pictish · 03/12/2019 10:21

The snoring will definitely be down to his weight. I used to be very overweight myself and yes, I snored...and yes, my dh got really hacked off with it...and yes, I felt attacked because I was sensitive about my weight.

I’m a trim size 10 now and still snore now and then but not to the degree I used to. I knew it was my failing that caused it and it was hard to be held to account for disturbing his sleep. I felt horribly guilty and defensive at the same time.

People are complicated creatures...it’s seldom black and white and ‘of course’.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/12/2019 10:21

Glad to read that you commence counselling on Wednesday; there seems to be a lot there re your own childhood that needs unpicking.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. Its probably why you went onto have the relationship you had with your ex and the relationship you now have with your H. I think your H expects you to behave as his father does towards his wife.

pictish · 03/12/2019 10:22

Goldenchild - no worries and thanks. X

53rdWay · 03/12/2019 10:25

People can be controlling without meaning to be controlling. Or without being inherently bad people.

One of my relatives gets anxious about things. She isn't doing it on purpose, she genuinely gets panicky about doing anything with other people if she doesn't know exactly what is happening and who will be doing what right down to the millimetre. But over the years her family have defaulted to "oh just do whatever Mum wants or she'll worry," and now we ALL have to do whatever Mum wants or she'll worry in a big public flappy way and we'll be blamed for making her. She isn't a bad person but it is still controlling behaviour.

user1480880826 · 03/12/2019 10:26

He needs to address his mother issues first. He needs to confront her if his behaviour is still being influenced by her all these years later.

CopperPottery · 03/12/2019 10:31

There's a series of threads on here about a sulking husband which might be a good read I think the op is jamaisjeadore?

friedbeansandcheese · 03/12/2019 10:36

@busybarbara - I should have known this post was by you Hmm: Who’s the one ordering their partner out of their own bed? It seems OPs personal preferences are getting treated as gospel and he just has to suck it up.

Did you miss the bit when OP said But he’d been saying that I should sleep somewhere else if I couldn’t sleep for his snoring. At no point did he say sorry for my poor nights sleep over the last few nights, or show any empathy. ??

VenusTiger · 03/12/2019 10:37

Buy him a shaver that collects the hairs (Christmas present). Find ways that mean when you “criticise” one another, you’re suggesting a solution with it, so it’s less aggressive/attacking.... “not keen on this cake you baked, can you leave out the nutmeg next time” as opposed to “can’t eat this cake you baked, I don’t like the flavour”

Sounds to me like you both need to alter your discourse.

friedbeansandcheese · 03/12/2019 10:39

He said to me that counselling means the marriage is over. Me saying that means the marriage is over
Yes my options are stay and have massive arguments every time I have a problem with something he does, put up with whatever he does, or leave.

Have you sat down and told him this in so many words? Have you never been able to communicate with him?

Lweji · 03/12/2019 10:45

I would suggest counselling for him.

He needs to be able to voice his complaints and take your complaints too, at least to a point.

Couples therapy could be useful to see if there are any issues with the way you voice your own criticism, but also for him to be able to voice his own issues in a safe environment.

Having said that, and I understand your despair, kicking him out of bed for snoring isn't helpful. It would have been better to put it as "how are we going to solve this problem?" I'm sure the snoring is affecting his sleep as much as yours, even if he doesn't notice it. And it could be addressed by both taking turns in sleeping elsewhere. It's not as if it's his fault he snores, particularly if he has tried hard to make it better.

And are you sure you don't sound like his mother when raising the issue of, for example, his stubble?

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