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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband highly sensitive to criticism means I have no say

324 replies

JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 07:55

It’s driving me crazy. I’m very open and honest and have been brought up to say what’s on my mind.

He on the other hand has been brought up with a domineering mother who he is to this day still trying to gain approval and love for. He says he never feels good enough for her.

He clearly has the same thing going on with me. He was in tears today after an argument about his snoring. I said he should sleep somewhere else because I can’t sleep (with earplugs). After much shouting and talks of divorce he broke down crying saying how did I think that made him feel telling him he had no place in our bed. He felt like I was saying he didn’t belong. Confused. But he’d been saying that I should sleep somewhere else if I couldn’t sleep for his snoring. At no point did he say sorry for my poor nights sleep over the last few nights, or show any empathy.

He says I’m constantly criticising him. I am not, I will say to him if something is bothering me. Eg he thinks it’s ok to use his electric razor and put it back in bathroom cabinet without rinsing! Stubble is all over the drawer. It’s disgusting. When I brought it up initially he just said he’d always done that and made out I was being ridiculous. When I’ve brought it up since he’s highly defensive and says I’m criticising him again - he feels he’s always in trouble.

I’ve said to him, I’m not your Mum, you aren’t in trouble. I’m just asking you logically to consider that it’s a bit gross.

He said how do I think it feels to be constantly criticised? I said how does he thinks it feels to have no voice and feel he has no respect for me because anything I have a problem with is seen as criticism?

I have suggested counselling but he absolutely refuses.

OP posts:
Elbeagle · 03/12/2019 09:24

Mine is a bit like this in that he hates any sort of perceived criticism (he absolutely gets it from his father). However I don’t see it as controlling because a) it hasn’t stopped me from speaking up when things are bothering me and b) I’ve told him how annoying it is and he’s genuinely trying to stop reacting so badly to any criticism.
Now when he feels himself getting defensive he just leaves the room for a couple of minutes and comes back when he has a more measured response.

Iggly · 03/12/2019 09:25

I understand a little where your DH comes from as I don’t take criticism well - but it’s because how DH does it. It’s usually quite passive aggressive and it’ll be the first thing he’ll comment on. He generally points out something negative first. I don’t have a crying fit though although I will get annoyed as he can talk to me like I’m an idiot sometimes.

He also doesn’t take criticism well. I suspect that’s because his parents are a bit like him - a lot of negative and pointing out the flaws in things. They don’t like mistakes etc.

We’ve started counselling but had to stop due to lack of time and will come back to it. The main issue is that we need to find better ways of speaking to each other.

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/12/2019 09:26

Also, has he ever trained anyone at work? He does realise that sometimes you have to correct someone's behaviour or they will continue to do something that is totally wrong?

As long as you are correcting him (or asking him to correct himself) in a tactful way and not in any way like his mother would...he may be getting flashbacks of being told that he is 'useless and has no common sense' (from an excerpt of how my mother would react).

pictish · 03/12/2019 09:26

Ehhh I dunno...

We have this situation going on too but it’s the other way around. I feel like my dh is always carping about small, trivial things that aggravate him and I would like him to chill out.

By my own admission I’m messy and slapdash in comparison to him. He has a more observant and organised personality than me. Often the things he says are right enough but I get tired of being criticised for what seems like every other little thing I do wrong. I have always been scatty, forgetful, distracted and no amount of sniping about putting things in the wrong place or being chastised will change that. I’d love to have the organisational skills chip installed...but I don’t. Often I think he’s being petty and controlling and micromanaging me like he’s my dad or some shit. It gets right on my wick, hurts my feelings and causes rows.

Maybe you do focus on small things too much?

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 03/12/2019 09:28

Of course he's controlling 🙄.

pictish · 03/12/2019 09:33

Of course?
It’s not ‘of course’ - how simplistic! Maybe it’s a bit of one and some of the other...as is normally the case in marital disputes. A clash of priorities or difference in perspective? You know?

There’s no ‘of course’ going on here - you can’t possibly say that.

horse4course · 03/12/2019 09:34

So you have to live with whatever choices he makes, no matter the impact on you? Without ever mentioning it? Fuck that.

The razor thing wouldn't bother me tbh but if snoring stops you sleeping, it's a serious problem.

I'd ask him what he wants you to do when something bothers you. He needs to learn it's possible to have disagreements without it threatening the relationship overall. I agree counselling is required if he gets this upset over any criticism.

TowelNumber42 · 03/12/2019 09:35

Go to counselling on your own.

I'd love to know how you think controlling men gain control over their women. Here's the thing: it's like you've described here. You could be in a text book.

pictish · 03/12/2019 09:35

P.s as scatty and slapdash as I am, or as irritated by my dh’s micromanaging, I am not trying to control him!

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 03/12/2019 09:37

pictish read Towel comment.

friedbeansandcheese · 03/12/2019 09:38

He’s not controlling, he CANNOT take criticism.

But that IS controlling you because YOU are changing how you behave, overthinking what you say, not saying things for fear of how he will take them - that is insidious control. He may not have realised it, but it is.

How does he react to criticism at work? How does he correct others at work?

pictish · 03/12/2019 09:38

And maybe the OP does frequently carp about trivial things...none of you know either way, but yes it must all be his fault. He couldn’t possibly be tired of being bitched at...he’s a man so therefore he’s automatically culpable.
Or possibly not. I wouldn’t like to say either way because I have no idea.

Goldenchildsmum · 03/12/2019 09:39

There’s no ‘of course’ going on here - you can’t possibly say that.

I think we can.

A grown man who cries because he's being criticised about his snoring?

There is a massive amount of passive aggressive manipulative control going on there.

Of course the OP might also be controlling him with her critiques. But that doesn't jump out at me when I'm reading her opening post

pictish · 03/12/2019 09:40

Josephine - what of it?

Towel doesn’t know if the dh is over sensitive to normal requests or if the OP is a bit of a Monica. There’s no text book anything here to speak of.

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 03/12/2019 09:43

Sounds like mine - even down to the stubble everywhere and the snoring.

The biggest example was when he completely forgot my 40th birthday (he has form for forgetting my birthday - we've never made a big deal of birthdays in my family, but they do in his, so this is more of a point of interest than a massive grudge I hold). When, a couple of days later I pointed out that it had been my birthday at the weekend, he had a massive sulk for days. Apparently I was at fault here, for making him feel bad (I hadn't - I'd just mentioned it because it came up in conversation with the kids, like I said, I don't mind about birthdays).

Basically, I can't ever raise issues I'm unhappy with, because I'm only doing it to make him feel bad. Fucking sucks, and when I was younger I would have worried about it. Now I just brush my teeth somewhere else, with my own toothpaste (he leaves the lid off, in the aforementioned stubble, and it's just foul), I leave his washing where he left it and just do mine and the kids. I expect it'll come to a head at some point, because I've lost a lot of respect and love for him over it.

pictish · 03/12/2019 09:44

I have cried about being told off (again) - was that passive aggressive manipulative control then?

BercowsFestiveFlamingo · 03/12/2019 09:45

He's a controlling, manipulative manchild. You're going to be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life if you stay with him. If you have children they will grow up with anxiety and no idea what a healthy relationship is like.
You can't change him so your only option is to stay and be miserable, or leave and have a chance of happiness.

busybarbara · 03/12/2019 09:46

But he is controlling you.

Who’s the one ordering their partner out of their own bed? It seems OPs personal preferences are getting treated as gospel and he just has to suck it up. In reality they should be adults, treat each other’s concerns equally and compromise.

Goldenchildsmum · 03/12/2019 09:49

@pictish - if your husband 'tells you off' (wtf!) and you cry - then , rather like the OPs situation, I think there is control, manipulation and passive aggression in abundance (on both sides for sure in your situation ) and unless you both change through counselling, the marriage is fucked

You did ask Confused

pictish · 03/12/2019 09:50

I’m not saying you’re all wrong by the way - just saying we don’t actually have enough information to castigate the guy as a lost cause as many of you seem to be steaming ahead and doing.

Perhaps he is manipulative, selfish and controlling...but equally maybe the OP is critical and bossy.

Original poster
JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 09:50

@pictish I don't think it is controlling. A lot of ppl on Mumsnet default to 'HE'S AN ABUSIVE CONTROLLING BASTARD". I have learned to see past that. When he was crying this morning, it was the first time I got a glimpse into how he's feeling rather than the angry defensive side of him. I responded to his hurt, not the shouting.

I used to be with someone with aspergers and it felt very much like it was his house (it was) and I had to live by his rules. I didn't feel I belonged. I had to do everything his way. I hated it. So I do empathise with how it feels to be told how to do something.

I am not telling him to do everything my way, just to have consideration for me. Not cleaning his stubble, not caring that I haven't slept well because of him IS inconsiderate.

He has tried everything for his snoring btw. Doctors, sprays, even special pillows that vibrate when snoring. Nothing works. I think it has got worse because I need new earplugs. I have some coming tomorrow thank goodness.

OP posts:
Original poster
JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 09:53

Who’s the one ordering their partner out of their own bed? It seems OPs personal preferences are getting treated as gospel and he just has to suck it up

That's what he said. He said why do I get to decide he can't sleep in his bed. If I can't sleep then I should sleep somewhere else. I get that, it just angered me that he didn't show a shred of sympathy at my inability to sleep because of him.

OP posts:
pictish · 03/12/2019 09:53

I didn’t ask but thanks for your insight nevertheless.

We’ve been together for 23 years now...we love each other and make up for the discrepancies in opinion in other areas. I won’t pretend we’re floating on a pink cloud of marital bliss but neither is it fucked.

Original poster
JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 09:56

He said to me that counselling means the marriage is over. Me saying that means the marriage is over Hmm.

He does not talk about his feelings. I cannot imagine him speaking about feelings to a stranger.

Yes my options are stay and have massive arguments every time I have a problem with something he does, put up with whatever he does, or leave.

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 03/12/2019 09:58

@pictish 'Of course?
It’s not ‘of course’ - how simplistic! Maybe it’s a bit of one and some of the other...as is normally the case in marital disputes. A clash of priorities or difference in perspective? You know?

There’s no ‘of course’ going on here - you can’t possibly say that.'

Yes it is an 'of course'- he's attempting to control the OP's behaviour. Maybe the OP is controlling too, but that's kind of by the by. I don't see her making reasonable requests as controlling, anyway.

@busybarbara 'Who’s the one ordering their partner out of their own bed? It seems OPs personal preferences are getting treated as gospel and he just has to suck it up. In reality they should be adults, treat each other’s concerns equally and compromise.'

Separate rooms is a compromise, though. OP has tried ear plugs as a compromise, but they don't work. She's tried everything to compromise- there's absolutely nothing she can do, and, like everyone, she needs sleep.