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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband highly sensitive to criticism means I have no say

324 replies

JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 07:55

It’s driving me crazy. I’m very open and honest and have been brought up to say what’s on my mind.

He on the other hand has been brought up with a domineering mother who he is to this day still trying to gain approval and love for. He says he never feels good enough for her.

He clearly has the same thing going on with me. He was in tears today after an argument about his snoring. I said he should sleep somewhere else because I can’t sleep (with earplugs). After much shouting and talks of divorce he broke down crying saying how did I think that made him feel telling him he had no place in our bed. He felt like I was saying he didn’t belong. Confused. But he’d been saying that I should sleep somewhere else if I couldn’t sleep for his snoring. At no point did he say sorry for my poor nights sleep over the last few nights, or show any empathy.

He says I’m constantly criticising him. I am not, I will say to him if something is bothering me. Eg he thinks it’s ok to use his electric razor and put it back in bathroom cabinet without rinsing! Stubble is all over the drawer. It’s disgusting. When I brought it up initially he just said he’d always done that and made out I was being ridiculous. When I’ve brought it up since he’s highly defensive and says I’m criticising him again - he feels he’s always in trouble.

I’ve said to him, I’m not your Mum, you aren’t in trouble. I’m just asking you logically to consider that it’s a bit gross.

He said how do I think it feels to be constantly criticised? I said how does he thinks it feels to have no voice and feel he has no respect for me because anything I have a problem with is seen as criticism?

I have suggested counselling but he absolutely refuses.

OP posts:
pictish · 03/12/2019 14:01

So it seems it’s like I suggested earlier - a bit of one and some of the other.

He’s not manipulating her or controlling her you bunch of pitchfork wavers...he’s a bit of a slob and she’s a lot of a pain in the arse.

Fancy that.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 03/12/2019 14:01

@JulieJones22

It's death by 1000 papercuts isn't it? Individually things may seem petty, but it's the constant drip of expecting you to clean up after him and be ok with him not allowing you to voice any feelings if they may hurt his. Thereby allowing you to be hurt as long as he isn't.

The individual things seeming minor is unfair as when discussed in isolation it's easy for him to manipulate the situation and accuse you of being mean.

But they all add up to a general atmosphere of his feelings always being more important than yours.

Savingshoes · 03/12/2019 14:02

Similar situation with me, I've resided into becoming one of the Roald Dahl characters. Beard shavings are left over the floor and toilet seat so when I go in there I shout "DH, can you come and clean your pubes up from the bathroom please!"
He hates it, but it keeps me sane.
Rest assured he does get his own back.

BercowsFestiveFlamingo · 03/12/2019 14:03

You're just not compatible. He resents you, you resent him. This relationship is in the shitter. Time to flush.

53rdWay · 03/12/2019 14:03

He’s not manipulating her or controlling her you bunch of pitchfork wavers...he’s a bit of a slob and she’s a lot of a pain in the arse

Think you're reaching a fair bit there pictish. We really don't know what state their house is in or how awful she is or isn't. We do know that he feels he's being constantly criticised and she feels that she can't ever say anything even vaguely critical because he'll sulk/cry/threaten to divorce her. Some form of couples counselling would probably help, but if he won't do it and won't budget at all then there's not much to be done (besides OP mopping up pee in silence for the rest of her marriage).

Besidesthepoint · 03/12/2019 14:06

Regardless of who is "at fault" here, I do believe that this marriage is doomed if you two don't find a way to resolve issues.

53rdWay · 03/12/2019 14:06

won't BUDGE rather than budget!

Original poster
JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 14:07

@AFairlyHardAvocado But they all add up to a general atmosphere of his feelings always being more important than yours. . Exactly! I just don't matter. That is how it feels. I was gipping wiping up his dried in piss this morning , and that made me so fucking angry that I am put in that position, and guess what, he doesn't give a shit because that counts as criticism. FFS.

I should mention, other than these issues, we have a happy marriage and he is supportive of me and me of him. We have loads in common and have a laugh together. That is why it is so frustrating as I love him, I just wish I was able to express myself in such a way that he'd respect and listen to me, and care.

OP posts:
ferrier · 03/12/2019 14:09

He's not expecting op to clean, he just doesn't see the need for it .... if I'm reading op's posts correctly. There is a difference.
I agree with pictish ... he's a slob.

Original poster
JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 14:10

@Besidesthepoint I know. I said this to him this morning, when he said this relationship isn't working. I said that I agreed and maybe counselling was the answer. But no!!

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 03/12/2019 14:12

"That is great you are getting counselling. Was it through relate?"

Not Relate, no. We saw a Relate counsellor years and years ago for a very specific issue and it was helpful. However, we contacted Relate again more recently and had an initial session which brought us closer together because we agreed the counsellor was awful Grin Friends have had mixed experiences too. I think it's the luck of the draw which counsellor you end up with.

We have recently changed counsellor, for a long time we had one who was very psychoanalytical, she asked about our childhoods a lot (which was relevant and particularly for DH) but we felt it had run its course and wasn't helpful any more. So we have just started with a new counsellor doing the Gottman Method. It's too early to report back but it's promising so far Smile

Original poster
JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 14:14

@AnotherEmma yes I am just reading about that method now. It sounds really good. It is just about understanding the other person's POV and empathising with them. Have you tried mirroring before, where you summarise what the other person has said so it can sink in? I am going to suggest that to him tonight. I am resentful that it is always me coming up with the solutions though. He never looks to sort anything about, just sulks until I start the conversation.

OP posts:
AFairlyHardAvocado · 03/12/2019 14:18

But @ferrier who should do it then? Who should clean up his piss when he doesn't? He may not see the need naturally but he's continued to do it once he does know it's something people should do and also knows OP will have to clean it up. He's done it before this isn't the first time.

AnotherEmma · 03/12/2019 14:20

Sounds so familiar! It's emotional labour. One of the many "wife work" things that we (women) tend to do and men don't.

Original poster
JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 14:25

@AnotherEmma emotional labour is a good word for it. It certainty is tiring being the peacekeeper all the time, and trying to tiptoe around to make sure it is the "right" words.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 03/12/2019 14:29

I missed this.
"I just wish I was able to express myself in such a way that he'd respect and listen to me, and care."
Be careful of tying yourself in knots over this. As I said, you could express yourself perfectly and he could still object. You cannot "fix" this by yourself. His attitude needs to change and he needs to find a way of listening to you - if he won't do this, no amount of changing your communication style is going to work.

Original poster
JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 14:34

He needs to find a way of listening to you I will say this to him. I need to be heard just as much as he needs to be heard. He does say it's the way I say things to him (my piss text message is not usual style, I'd just had enough), but then I don't know the right way of saying things Confused

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 03/12/2019 14:35

pictish you are projecting so hard on this thread it’s become really nasty.

Carrotgirl87 · 03/12/2019 14:48

I sorta agree with @pictish to be fair, if I was being told where to put my razor or getting texts at work nagging about something I literally can't fix while I'm at work I'd tell you to bore off, move out, and leave my stuff wherever I wanted without getting nagged at. 🤷🏻‍♀️ there's two types of people in this world

busybarbara · 03/12/2019 14:57

To be honest it sounds like a personality clash. I don’t always double flush the toilet during my period if some blood is showing in there, I leave my washable pantyliners on the en suite floor sometimes if I’m in a rush but DH doesn’t moan because he’s a grown up. Same for when he leaves some stubble around or whatever. This is a problem as old as time, you’re either compatible and tolerant of each other or you’re not

Original poster
JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 14:58

@Carrotgirl87 if you were shaving your legs and left stubble in the bath and your OH asked you to rinse the bath out afterwards...would you think that unreasonable?

If you got urine on the toilet seat and your OH told you this and asked you to clean up after yourself...would you find this unreasonable? I have asked him this 3 times already.

I wouldn't usually text him at work complaining but I was so angry at how degrading it was, especially when he had this conversation already.

OP posts:
Carrotgirl87 · 03/12/2019 15:03

Is it in the sink though or in a drawer or shelf? You're not listening to him and he's telling you to stop criticising and then you text him at work? Compromise works both ways and you just blatantly ignored what he's asked you for aswell.

Stop being a martyr, and then being mad at him for it.

Guarantee when you're on your death bed you won't give two fucks where his razor was, not like he's stirring your tea with it. Seriously man, I couldn't be arsed to be arsed.

Original poster
JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 15:04

@busybarbara To be honest it sounds like a personality clash. . It does. I would never leave period blood in the toilet or pantyliners on the floor. I would be horrified if I had forgotten.

I don't think moaning means someone is not a grown up, I think it means they believe in good manners, respect and cleanliness.

OP posts:
bluebella4 · 03/12/2019 15:05

Counselling sounds like the best opinion. What it looks like, is you are unconsciously taking the role of his mother and him talking the role of the child leaving no room for development or change. Both are communicating on different levels therefore leaving frustration and no change.
He needs to take control an sort the snoring. Is it his own draw for his razor- if so that's his choice to have it like that.

Look up the parent child model. It shows different dynamics and roles we play in relationships. We do it without realising.

Bloody annoys on mn that there is automatic abuse being thrown out or you must leave him 🙄

My husband has his side and I have mine. If he chooses to live like a pig then go for it but he final clears it up.

HowdidIenduphere · 03/12/2019 15:08

OP read some of the threads on here with the Advanced Search options on Passive Aggressive behaviour.

My STBXH is PA and when I was trying to explain to people IRL and on here it sounded like I was a nagging wife who had a mainly blameless husband who just made minor mistakes and that I was just never happy regardless and needed a serious chill out.

After reading some of the threads (one in particular, the title of which escapes me right now sorry!) it was like someone had turned on a very bright light!

It may be that you will recognise some/many of the PA behaviours in your husband, it could be that little acts of sabotage and resistance like what you have described that are the surface of a far deeper issue.

FWIW if your husband is PA too know that I tried to get him on board for making our marriage work and we tried counselling and separations etc but ultimately he would not pull his weight and actually really put any effort into resolving his issues. I had to leave in the end.

I hope it works out for you.