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Original poster

Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

649 replies

Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 13:50

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree? Sad

OP posts:
sassandfaff · 02/12/2019 12:50

Woo.

The very fact that you view it as 'what the wife wants' is the problem.
She suggested something with her dd in mind. The implication throughout this thread is that she has nefarious reasons.

I don't know where the idea that step mothers are evil comes from.......listening to this thread it's those pesky ex wives- out to make all decisions and run your life.

WooMaWang · 02/12/2019 12:51

They aren't 'his child's baubles' though. They're the personalised baubles that the OP chose (and values) for her child and has decided are vital for The Right Kind of Christmas. And the home made stuff are highly likely to be things the OP made with the DD.

You have no idea what the father plans to do to include his daughter in Christmas at his house. She can make new homemade decorations (if that's what they decide to do) or choose new personalised baubles (again if that's what they choose) or whatever else they decide works for them.

It's not sad at all to want to create new blended family traditions.

sassandfaff · 02/12/2019 12:53

I do think that's possible bolly.

I take issue that so many have decided that the Op is out to dictate their lives because she suggested he might like a bauble.

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 12:54

sass well its not the first issue they've had so I don't think its unreasonable to assume op might be a little too involved.

She has however taken note of that!

sassandfaff · 02/12/2019 12:54

Woo. You can copy and paste the bit that says the op has chosen them for the right kind of christmas and where it says she has made them please?

This is the kind of nonesense that made this thread vile towards the op.

WooMaWang · 02/12/2019 12:56

She suggested something with her dd in mind. The implication throughout this thread is that she has nefarious reasons.

You seem to be struggling with the key difference between what the child thinks or wants and what her mother thinks she thinks or wants. Or what her mother thinks would be best for her. They just aren't the same.

And I haven't suggested nefarious reasons. I think this is a woman who is struggling to move on from a failed relationship and to recognise that she's not in charge of (for example) all her DD's Christmas traditions. That is a tough thing to come to terms with, but it has to be done if a relationship has ended.

sassandfaff · 02/12/2019 12:57

The other issue was that dp took issue with their texts.
That's nothing to do with the OP. She ext him like that for 3 years. He presumably text her like that for those years. The DP didnt like it. That is her issue and she can fix it however she likes. That doesn't mean the OP did anything wrong.

sassandfaff · 02/12/2019 12:59

Woo. Suggesting he might like some of his child's homemade things is her struggling to move on?

You have blown this to ridiculous proportions.

WooMaWang · 02/12/2019 13:00

Sometimes it's about the overall context and subtext @sassandfaff. The OP is upset because she cares about these baubles. They are representative of the Good Christmas she wants for her DD.

Otherwise she'd have given it no more thought at all. There's have been a 'do you want some of these?', 'actually no' exchange and everyone would have forgotten about it. But she feels the need to post on MN about it.

And none of this is 'vile' towards the OP. I don't think she's a bad person; I think she needs to come to terms with a changed situation.

And she should delight in the fact she gets to keep all the decorations.

MzHz · 02/12/2019 13:01

@30to50FeralHogs
You don’t get a say in what Xmas decs your ex and HIS DP put on their tree. If my DP’s ex tried sending over things and insisting I display them in my home (or apparently I’m a bitch according to some PPs!) I’d be fucking livid.

Me too! I’d be buggered if my oh ex (either of them) tried to put anything on our tree, it’s intrusive

That said... last year we’d just moved into our home together as he thought his previous ex had binned the decorations he’d bought with his eldest dc (1st marriage)

She’d clearly hidden them because she was one of those exceptionally unimaginative and sorry souls who had to have her tree bedecked with precious gems all in a theme.

His eldest kids didn’t even make it down last year when we had the tree up, but as we’d found the hidden kids decorations, I put them up, he sent them pictures of their ornaments, they are indeed ott and out there, but so are my decorations and I love the notion that my ds will look back on Christmasses and our tree with all the bonkers bits and pieces we have on it, the (now young women) dd decorations fit right in!

sassandfaff · 02/12/2019 13:04

I've read your responses Woo.
You have mentioned context and subtext that hasn't even been said on this thread.
Are you continuing this has a story in your mind?
Because you seem to be seeing 'facts' that aren't there.

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 13:05

sass well the context is that she was asked to back off, and then thought it would be a good idea to offer personalised crimo decs.

If I was told to back off and stop texting my ex, I would also take that as a hint that they probably did not want my suggestion on their trimmings.

MzHz · 02/12/2019 13:05

@Lollypalooza create your own traditions, that rely on you and you alone

Let dh find his own. You don’t need to offer to insert her into his life, that’s his job, and you are overstepping the mark here

sassandfaff · 02/12/2019 13:08

*as

sassandfaff · 02/12/2019 13:18

No Bolly. She was asked to stop texting about things unrelated to DD. Which she did.
Asking whether he wants some of his DD's baubles IS dd related.

I don't care that she said no. That's up to her. If they want to decide to do a new tradition....good for them.

The issue is that OP's suggestion is not controlling and dictating their lives, or interfering, and wasn't nefarious in action.

It is quite possible that the context and subtext could be that the DP is insecure and controlling (of the ex only) and this may come to light eventually.....but we don't know this, anymore than all tge accusations aimed at the OP.

Anyway. I'm neglecting what I'm supposed to be doing.

Hope you have a wonderful christmas Lolly. And enjoy your dd's baubles on your tree.

Pepernotenregen · 02/12/2019 13:21

It seems to me that this is nothing to do with Christmas tree decorations (or texts whatever), but more to do with OPs dwindling presence in her ex's head - possible mourning and trying to cling on to the connection they used to have.

There is always a residual possessiveness borne out of a notion that after 10 years and kids together (for example), the "first wife" has has a superior relationship and knows the ex far better than the "new bird", having weathered a period of life growth that may have been challenging as most first relationships are. Projecting this onto the child will only end in resentment.

Outside of contact regarding DD then OP should now try to step back and respect the boundaries and let the new relationship have a chance to grow and develop without constantly sticking the oar in. The "I'm still here" messages smack of insecurity and fear of losing control. And give her her ex the benefit of the doubt that he will do the right thing by his DD and new family. He may be coming across as weak because he is trying to please everyone and has to learn that that doesn't work.

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 13:24

Asking whether he wants some of his DD's baubles IS dd related

no, its not at all.

its what OP wants, the DD doesn't know about it, its nothing to do with the DD!

Molteni · 02/12/2019 13:24

nothing to suggest she isnt nice.

I hardly think she’s a contender for parent of the year, just like the ex tbh, only by just putting the facts in a row. She moves in a new man under a year, who has already cheated on her. Keeping in mind that it’s already very hard to create a somewhat successful blended family. The party. She potentially (bit unsure about the role of the spineless ex here) gets triggered by a piece of decoration. You’d assume that there would not be a problem when both parents agree on something that might be beneficial for their child. She’s 4-5 and suddenly has to spend 50 percent of the time with three virtual strangers.

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 13:27

molteni what a load of old shite.

So you're judging her for moving in with her partner, being cheated on (Assuming this was in last thread as I have no idea?) and not wanting baubles off op?

Crikey. Who'd be a step mother eh? seems its totally ok to give a character assassination to this woman, but not any ex wives.

Longfacenow · 02/12/2019 13:28

It seems to me that this is nothing to do with Christmas tree decorations (or texts whatever), but more to do with OPs dwindling presence in her ex's head - possible mourning and trying to cling on to the connection they used to have.

^ this.

I agree, in the context of the OPs other thread this seems to be about it being hard for OP to let go, which I quite understand.

WooMaWang · 02/12/2019 13:31

@sassandfaff subtext is what is unsaid on the thread. By definition. But it underlies it all. The context is the initial thread plus a range of other things.

One does not have to psychoanalyse someone to work out that when they start kicking off about something it's because it's touched a particular nerve. On top of that, Christmas is hugely emotional. And it is highly likely that the decorations represent much more to the OP than just some tat you stick on a tree a few weeks a year.

sassandfaff · 02/12/2019 13:38

Where did she kick off Woo?

Kick off implies what?

That she got mad?
Caused an argument?
Made a fuss?

Op categorically states that she said 'ok".

If that's your idea of kicking off, no wonder you have fanciful ideas that haven't been mentioned.

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 13:40

sass well she said ok but was then so concerned she started (another) a thread on it

WooMaWang · 02/12/2019 13:42

@sassandfaff She started a thread about how unreasonable the ex and the GF are on MN. That's a kind of kicking off, just where the people you want to have a go at can't hear.

If I go home and rant to my DP about something at work, I'm still kicking off about it.

WooMaWang · 02/12/2019 13:43

People who don't care say 'ok' and completely forget about it.