Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

[Lollypalooza]

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree?

Your ex is a tit, but we knew that.

Watch out that he doesn't miss the drama and attention when you pull back. If he frantically tries to stir it up ... you'll know with even more certainty that pulling back was a brilliant choice.

I would definitely recommend moving forward with the attitude of it being a positive thing to have space. Only communicate with regards to your DD immediate care/plans.

If your daughter ever mentions anything to you about feeling left out (from her own experience, not perceived or otherwise) that’s when you step forward again.

Otherwise, you stay stepped back.

Your DD will very quickly pick up on tensions, and that will make the transition incredibly stressful for her.

I’m only speaking from personal experience. I hated that there was tension between my parents and their new partners. I hated that I knew what they all thought of each other. I still do.

It’s incredibly hard going through a separation, and trying to blend a family together.

But make it easier for yourself by keeping that space there.

With your first thread, I gave you the benefit of the doubt OP but now I reckon you ought to change your username to Moulinex because you are nowhere near the oh so innocent friendly person you make out to be but a passive-aggressive shitstirrer. I am not surprised your ex DP’s partner has an issue with you. You are still trying to assert your connection to him with inane babble rather than just focusing on communication about your daughter. As for trying to put your stamp on their first Christmas together by a way of dressing it up with being about your daughter’s baubles, why don’t you just go over their and piss in all four corners of their house to mark your territory. And all of this protestation of having your own new partner and therefore you could not possible be trying to sabotage your ex’ relationship is bull, plenty of exes with new relationships still try to interfere and control their former partners. Just back off and keep your beak out of ex new relationship and stop using your DD for such transparent manipulation.

Amen to that

Wow grumpelstilskin. Very harsh and unnecessary. I’m guessing from the bitterness in your post that you’re the DP to someone who has an ex in the background, and you’re clearly projecting your own anger onto the OP. I think there’s probably a bit of power control on both sides - the op wants to maintain an amicable relationship with her ex, which seems to have worked well before, but the new DP typically doesn’t want any kind of relationship to exist between him and Op. Usually starts this way before the new DP then starts to work on coming between him and his dc. An all too familiar story I’m afraid.

Nope, no exes with kids involved, DH and I are first time parents together. I like my partner’s ex and my ex’ new GF. But most importantly, I do not try to be overfamiliar with former long-term partners and do not overstep boundaries and respect their new partners. OP has not been gracious about being asked to back off. I have come across her ilk who use their DC to interfere and be far too involved in their ex’ new relationship.

OP may very well be happy with her new man but her snout is firmly out of joint for no longer holding the same level of clout with her ex. What is she gonna try to dictate next, the wallpaper in her DD’s room at her ex’ place with his new partner?

Her child doesn’t have a bedroom at her dads house, he’s gone from a 1 bedroom flat to someone else’s house and sharing with other peoples children. As suspected people here have never actually experienced this situation which proves my point 😂

Honestly, your last update makes it seem even more like you are using this ‘friendship’ as a way to assert control. Sometimes it’s very hard to gain insight into yourself, especially in the context of complex relationships. You have already stated you will let him go, I think that’s for the best all round. Just focus on your daughter and moving on with Gordon/Graham.

OP you are SO well rid of that man.

You don’t need to subject yourself to that kind of passive aggressive put down in order to keep things stable for your Dd, or to try to be nice.

His behaviour over the party was despicable. He is playing games of some dirt with his DP wants to be Fb friends to ‘be friendly ‘ , but also telling you that she doesn’t want him to get texts and they have had a row about baubles.

I would worry about his drink driving and having Dd in the car, since his Dp laughs about not resisting drink. But as for the rest, step back and breathe a sigh of relief that he is no longer your problem.

With every update it just asserts that this is about so much more than parenting for the OP.

I do wonder have you taken some time to reflect and heal and explore in counselling why/what you feel for your ex before moving on? Lots of people try to move forward whilst still being in the midst of a emotional fallout from a bad past, no shame on needing a bit of help to work it through.

menora some kids don't even have their own bedroom in the house they live in full time! someone call social services!

I don't think he sounds like a brilliant dad, admittedly, but the little girl not having her own bedroom is really nothing to write home about.

I don’t claim to be the expert here but it is extremely hard when the other person who should be 100% for your child simply isn’t and there’s fuck all you can do about it. I’ve had mine left stood outside his house for 40 mins in the cold and dark whilst dickhead and the new wife look at anew house they want to buy .... no consideration for it being “his day”.
It is hard, that can be acknowledged.

This is about anxiety about her DD, and the new changes that are happening with her ex. OP seems to be trying to advocate for a 5yo, which you know, is pretty normal 🙄

ExDP is not helping OP at all with adapting to these changes. Whereas everyone else can say until they are blue in the face that it’s tough fucking shit and she’s mental, this is a disappointing and confusing blow to OP and the co-parenting relationship they had built together.
ExDP is putting unexpected barriers up which seem to be related to his new partner. It comes across to me that OP is looking for reassurance that her DD is going to be cared for and considered in the new family. Can we call the dogs off her?

menora they have been split for years, its not up to him to help her adapt or vice versa!

Nobody is setting the dogs on her, in fact a lot of posters have agreed that her ex isn't that brilliant, but just advised that what she has already decided to do (back off) is best for everyone.

You however are still harping on about how difficult it is. Yes, we know, but realistically there is nothing she can do about it other than the path she has now chosen.

Menora They split 3 years ago. The dd didn't ask for the baubles so the offer isn't really advocating for her dd. There's no suggestion that the dd isn't being treated well (a 5 year old sharing a room with another girl is not a problem)

If you're divorced/separated then you should know that unless there is safeguarding issues then you pretty much have no control over what happens during the other parent's time and have to cross your fingers that they are doing right by the child. (This is the same for the other parent)

Btw my youngest was 5 when I split with ex so I do know what it's like.

In the OP's case the ex is clearly a dick. There's nothing to suggest that he parents like a dick but it's probably for the best that things become more businesslike. I understand the dynamic where one parent does more so is in tune with the child and has lots of ideas to make things special but he needs to make that effort nor and take into account the flailed that he lives with too.

It is easier when things don't change (better the devil you know) but life is not like that.

Why should the daughter (who doesn’t live there full time) have her own bedroom reserved for her & 2 other children who live there full time gave to share rooms?

It makes much more sense for OP’s daughter to share a room with the same sex sibling closest to her age. It’s not like she is a teen having to share with a boy or something inn appropriate. Plenty of children share a bedroom. Does the daughter actually dislike sharing a bedroom? She is 5, she likely sees it as a fun thing, like a sleepover.

Again there is no evidence to support the daughter is being excluded or treated badly. I think the Op feels excluded & is assuming her daughter will be too, but it actually isn’t the case.

Op tell us has your daughter mentioned anything negative about her dad’s gf/sharing a bedroom with another little girl ?

There's nothing to suggest that he parents like a dick but it's probably for the best that things become more businesslike

Apart from the fact that he doesn't have a pair of christmas baubles balls between his legs? He shouldn't be agreeing with OP to things and then backtracking when the girlfriends undermines him. That doesn't make a good parent, it makes him a coward.

with respect green him saying yes to op then changing his mind has absolutely nothing to do with his parenting.

I am not saying he should have a separate bedroom. Or that it’s terrible

The point is he is not actually very responsible in OP’s experience and she has been anxious. She’s over compensating by trying to advocate for her little child, but it doesn’t appear to be coming from the god awful place other people are accusing her of.

He’s not been a good decision maker and if you dig deeper, I can guarantee that OP has been mothering him and supporting his parenting under the guise or ‘friendship’ for some time now. The dynamic has been slightly irresponsible man needs woman to help him. He just has a new woman now, and doesn’t need OP or her helpful suggestions anymore. This has left OP thinking ‘what about DD?’

It’s not a healthy dynamic, and I agree she needs to back off but it’s all the really awful things she’s been accused of that has blown my mind. Very little compassion or understanding on this thread about that, and a lot of projecting and jumping to conclusions. She sounds like a nice thoughtful parent and ex who is just trying to navigate her way through this, instead other women are tearing her down for daring to have any thoughts or feelings or regard to the situation, which to add she sounds like she’s been exploring quite calmly and rationally - unlike some of the posts on here! It’s really wrong.

with respect green him saying yes to op then changing his mind has absolutely nothing to do with his parenting

Of course it does. He's proven that he'll always give in to the new partner and then blame the new partner, which I don't agree with. It's his fault that he's got no backbone, not the partners. He more or less told OP that he's 'not allowed' to be friends with her now instead of telling his partner to behave.

• and therefore this will continue to be a problem when it comes to parenting. He's giving the new partner power to make his decisions for him regarding his DD.

green his partner doesn't need telling to behave, she is rightly more important to him than OP is right now. Again, that doesn't tell you anything about how he treats his daughter.

We have 0 evidence that the partner is making any decisions for him about his daughter. All the things she's asked/told him to do have been regarding OP, which is reasonable to be honest.

It could become a problem but we have no evidence to say it already has or that it will.

He should have told op that they couldn't be friends anymore, not that his gf said so, though I agree.

He never needed to mention those baubles ever again. He could have just forgotten and not brought it up. But he decided to send a slightly spiteful text IMO about how HE wants them, but GF doesn’t

OP therefore feels a little like she is parenting 3 ways with one woman she barely knows. This isn’t rocket science

spiteful?

As in it's spiteful - certainly trouble making - for him to say the bauble conversation 'caused a row'. He's not some innocent party in all this. He's pushing OP to see what she will do when he gives off these signals about how his new partner is the most important person for him (more than his daughter). Like with the party and insisting he'd only contribute if new partner and her kids came. A normal person would have said 'is it ok if X and the girls come to the party?' But this bloke uses it to make a point about new woman being his priority. THAT was dick parenting.