Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

[Lollypalooza]

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree?

What an insane thread! Fuck me!

OP as a divorce lawyer, a separated mum and a step mum of 11 years....

You did a perfectly nice thing offering a share of your kid's treasures. Who knows why new gf refused? Maybe she's a style fiend. Maybe she's insanely insecure. Maybe she is hoping to edge your daughter out. Maybe she's just a bit crap at sharing. All of these are possible. I'd just watch and wait, and make fewer nice gestures.

Well we read the thread differently woo.

I read it in an empathetic manner. It came across that the OP wanted reassurance that it shouldn't be something that should be causing an argument.
She even ended her op with the very question.

I agree it's an insane thread and brought out all the disgruntled people for whatever reason.
And if my DH and I ever split up, i hope my dc's get a lovely secure step mum.

sass

another dig at the SM being insecure even though you have no idea

I really want to know why its fair game to accuse her of all sorts, but not OP?

To be fair, the exchange was 'yes that would be nice', followed by 'DP doesn't want them'. That's completely different from the ex saying no at the outset.

To me it just sounds like he doesn't want to (or doesn't think to) manage expectations.

I imagine Op is conscious (after years of marriage and experience) that he might need a little nudge into making Christmas nice for his DD if he wasn't the one to normally plan and is mostly leaving it to his Dp (guesswork so happy to be corrected). It isn't the SMs job to do it, it's his, and if I thought my ex could use some ideas and we were on good terms I don't think it's such a stretch to offer some of DDs baubles in order to facilitate that. She wasn't suggesting he takes their wedding china!

He evidently thought at the time 'oh yes that would be nice', not thinking of his DP or how she might take it. Then they've had a conversation where she has pointed out it's a little imposing and she'd rather not, and he's relayed the conversation to Op and blamed his DP rather than using his head and simply saying 'I don't think it's appropriate we text so much' or 'no we don't need any baubles we have our own plans'. Therefore to Op it seems like the boundaries are being imposed unilaterally by the DP and he's just going along with it, which is mixed messages at best, and which could signal potential trouble in his relationship with his DD later down the line if she's calling all of the shots. Likewise, he's not really considering his DP and is just rubbing along with Op as normal rather than considering that, actually, some things might need to change now he's in a committed relationship and he should be the one to do that.

I don't actually think either women are particularly in the wrong. They just have different outlooks and priorities (naturally), and communication is being poorly managed by a go between that wants to keep everyone happy. Op wants to do what she can to facilitate her DDs comfort in the new set up, the Dp wants to focus on her relationship. Neither deserves a bashing for that, and it isn't necessarily a case of one or the other is right and the other is wrong.

There's been a hell of a lot of mental gymnastics and projection on the thread to demonise both ex wives and step mothers. It's really unnecessary.

It's a tree in their house.
I doubt your 5 year old is going to feel uncomfortable over a tree not having her decorations. It's a bit dramatic.
I think yabu and creating scenarios to get upset about.

@PinkCrayon totally agree with the dramatics, visualising a poor wee 5 year old’s eyes welling up because her Xmas baubles are missing. I find it highly unlikely that the daughter (or her father) give two hoots about her supposed precious Xmas baubles. The baubles & the tradition around them are, quite obviously very important to the OP & she says she imagines her daughter being disappointed at feeling left out, rejected, not part of Xmas.

I think these are the feelings the OP is having & is projecting it onto her daughter. Kids are quite easy to distract around Xmas time, it stands to reason she cares much more about presents than about baubles.

This is an opportunity for daughter to learn about how people celebrate in a variety of ways. To think this girl’s Xmas is going to be destroyed because she is going to wonder where her baubles are, is quite honestly ludicrous & can only imagine the daughter will care if her mother is making it a big deal that it’s not a proper Xmas if her baubles aren’t hung at both houses. The OP mentions being in tears last Xmas so it’s clear traditions around it must be of quite importance to her.

In my experience in my country as kids we would make decorations yearly at school...It stands to reason daughter might make her own decorations for dad this year ? It doesn’t need mum’s involvement. People pick their own mementos for keepsakes. He might keep something of hers OP doesn’t even know about. Does mum really need to provide something to dad as a keepsake? Let him pick his own!

I think OP is being labelled “controlling” but she doesn’t mean to be, but she is micro-managing & trying to make suggestions when they aren’t welcome. she isn’t barking orders, but she is overstepping boundaries & this is why it has become an issue of control.

I think she is used to being the most important woman in her ex’s life. He is a great guy but a shit partner, her exact words ? So when he gets serious with someone, it hurts because she has essentially been usurped. The whole “buddy buddy” Schtick often changes when a new partner comes on the scene.

The OP keeps referencing how her ex cheated on this woman. I think it makes her feel better, the narrative is that he is a bad partner & he must not like her that much & this won’t work out.

She lacks respect for this woman, which is not a great place to be when this person is involved in your kid’s life. Let’s not forget the original issue was OP refused to look at the gf in the eye. That’s quite passive aggressive to avoid all eye contact & actually takes a lot of emotional effort to keep up.

I also think the daughter sharing a room with the gf’s youngest is quite cute & sisterly. I always wanted a sister & that to me sounds nice & inclusive.

Bolly. It wasn't aimed at the dp on here at all.
It was aimed at some posters.

So you're judging her for moving in with her partner, being cheated on (Assuming this was in last thread as I have no idea?) and not wanting baubles off op?

Character assassination is a bit steep. And yes I’m judging her for moving in with her partner after such a short time together. The cheating was in the last thread (I believe it was one or two months into the ‘relationship’). She’s not putting her children first. Same goes for him. I hardly care about the decorations tbh, but even so: if there’s only a small chance that it would somewhat be beneficial to the well-being of the child she should contemplate it. I wouldn’t exactly use the term step-mother here; she’s hardly known her for a year.

What I mean about lack of eye contact was Op gave the gf the impression she was not worthy of being properly acknowledged as a person, or new partner. I sense she is really struggling with her ex seemingly getting serious about this girl & prioritising her needs over his ex’s wants.

The relationship may well not work out, but the fractious state between the gf & OP sounds like hostility from the OP’s side...now ex has put his foot down, she feels totally out of control & perceives the gf is going to take out some hostility on her daughter or make her feel unwelcome - this is all OPs personal issues to work through. The daughter doesn’t even sound distressed!

I’m wondering what OPs current partner thinks about all this drama.... I suspect there will be a new instalment & new thread before the New Year.

OP You have split from your ex. There's no need to be his parenting coach anymore unless he or your dd directly ask.
You tried to be friendly but it's been interpreted as everything but. He's not the man that you remember. Stop worrying that your dd might be uncomfortable. She will tell you (or her Dad) if there are problems. You can't preempt them and without knowing what the gf and her DDs are like, you can't come up with solutions either.

Keep it breezy and light. I bet you've got a million other things you'd rather do,

she’s hardly known her for a year

they have shared care.. how is that hardly knowing her?

BreastedBoobily and Prawnsword have both nailed it I think.

I know there have been some harsh replies on here, but its not really about the baubles, its about what they represent to everyone involved . Paradoxically the person who probably gives the least of a shit about them is DD!

also, we don't know how long they have been together do we?

all we know is that they've lived together less than a year?

14:39prawnsword

"@PinkCrayon totally agree with the dramatics, visualising a poor wee 5 year old’s eyes welling up because her Xmas baubles are missing. "

@prawnsword But they aren't missing are they, they are in ops attic, they weren't on there last year so how can they all of a sudden be missing.
To be missing something has to be there first. They were with op. It was ops idea, not her child's to put them on her exs tree so no I don't believe a child is crying over a bauble on her dad's tree when she hasn't had one on there before, they have been split up 3 years. So yes it does sound dramatic making up reasons to have an issue. It's ridiculous.

Sorry @prawnsword I only read the first line busy with the kids and read it totally wrong I don't even get how as you were really clear I was totally distracted and focused on the first line🙈🙈ignore what I said in reply to you, you obviously see what I mean anyway.
After reading through everything you have said I totally agree with everything you said@prawnswood.

*also, we don't know how long they have been together do we?

all we know is that they've lived together less than a year?*

This is how I read it – I can be wrong – they’ve been together for less than a year; the party was four months into their relationship around June. So I assume they haven’t been living together for that entire period, would be even more baffling. I don’t care what people do with their own life (by all means ruin it), but leave innocent children out of it. It would surprise me if she would even know the basics about the girl.

It would surprise me if she would even know the basics about the girl

even if they've only been living together since june, considering they have shared care I am sure she will know at least "the basics"

Christ.

I could never like anyone who wouldn't put children's creations on their tree.

Wow, I can barely keep up with all the responses and many conversations have veered off in different directions. I do appreciate all viewpoints.

To try to answer some questions/comments.

They’ve been together for around a year, I believe it was just before Christmas last year or early in the new year they met. The birthday party was in June. They moved in together end of August/start of September. He moved into her house where she already lived with her two DDs. Prior to that he was living in a one bedroom flat. DD had her old toddler bed (bottom of the cot) at the foot of his bed. He could’ve paid the same for a two bedroom in a slightly less nice area but wanted to be in a trendy area. It was her who tried to add me on Facebook, not the other way around. I had previously been Facebook friends with him (of course) and so saw posts from him and ones from her she tagged him in. I didn’t really mind, but one post upset me a bit. He had a bit of a problematic relationship with alcohol when we were together and was actually arrested for drink driving when I was pregnant with DD and had a 13 month ban (my Dad had to drive me to the hospital in labour). He often went through periods of “quitting”. One Facebook post of hers featured photos of him drinking and photos of bottles of beer with a caption along the lines of “Oops we couldn’t even make it to the end of Stoptober lol!!” I wasn’t devastated or anything but I just thought well I’d rather not see stuff like that so I just blocked them both. I didn’t think they’d particularly notice but just two or three days later he messaged to say the DP had “wanted to add me to be friendly” and “couldn’t find my profile”. The fact this occurred so soon after blocking them made me think she was probably regularly looking at my profile, as she’d noticed when it wasn’t there any more. I just said I was taking a break from Facebook.
He is always quite rude and disrespectful towards my DP, dressed up in a “jokey” way. Eg my DP is quite a bit younger than me (7 years) and exh will make jokes such as- over DD’s birthday party when he wanted his DP and daughters to come he said “well will your DP not be there?” When I said no, he said “that’s a shame, I thought he’d like the jelly and ice cream and the clown”. And he joked that one of the actors from Stranger Things (young teens) would play my DP in a movie of his life. He always calls my DP by the incorrect name for a “joke” when referring to him eg if his name is Gareth, he calls him Gordon, Graham, anything else (not real names), including in front of DD. I have never said anything to him about any of these things as I feel like he’s doing it to get a reaction, I just laugh along but I actually think it’s quite rude. Come to think of it I will actually be really pleased to have a bit of space from them, but being friendly and the baubles thing is all genuinely for DD’s sake. I honestly couldn’t care less how they decorate their tree, it was just an idea for DD. I know DD didn’t expressly ask about the baubles but there are lots of things parents do that are best for their child or even just to make their child happy that the child probably isn’t even aware of and doesn’t ask for.

You need to let them build their own traditions. Christmas is often a big part of that, it's not surprising they want to do things their own way and have their own things for his daughter in their home.

OP, it's lovely that you care so much about your daughter's wellbeing and your exH sounds like a bit of a tool (I'm sure you know that) and I can totally see why that makes you protective of her happiness. It's hard spending years being the one who actually takes responsibility for thinking about the needs of your child while your partner is perhaps less sensitive to that, even before he finds a new partner.

Like some others, I'd suggest you step back a bit. Concentrate on the home you and DD have together and just don't stress about whether they are doing things the same way in her dad's house. Kids are really adaptable and she'll probably take to "different house, different stuff" quite well.

Honestly given your last post, I think having more distance from the ex-tool would be good for all of you. You obviously love your DD so just give her all the love and support so she feels comfortable communicating to you if there's anything she's unhappy about in her new home. Trying to pre-empt all the hurt she might feel, whether from new family or elsewhere in the world, is not going to be feasible for any of us as parents anyway, though I can understand the urge.

Is this going for the sympathy vote now ? Or an add on to prolong the post ?

Given your ex sounds like a cock, I don't even understand why you have so much to do with him. Out of respect for your partner and the shitty way your ex treats him (which you let him get away with btw) you should have already been on the bare minimum of contact, which tree decorations are not.

Come to think of it I will actually be really pleased to have a bit of space from them

OP that's the most sensible thing you've said all thread. I know you feel like you've been jumped on, but hopefully you can see things with a little more perspective from all sides now. I think you'll all genuinely be happier if you step back from the degree you've been involved for the last three years.