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Original poster

Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

649 replies

Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 13:50

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree? Sad

OP posts:
Courtney555 · 02/12/2019 12:20

She's not being hostile at all. This is the second time OP has had to be told to stop unless it's directly to do with DD, and DD has no idea about this. It's not DD asking. It's OP.

As so many have said, a child saying, "I'd like to put my xyz on the tree please" is very different to OP looking for anything to message them about (again) under the guise of "but I'm only thinking of the child".

The former, would get the response, "of course DD, is there something you'd like to bring, or shall we all go out and choose some" which, for all you know, is what they're doing anyway.

The latter, especially after OP has been already told to back off continually texting her ex unless directly to do with DD contact, is going to be received as "FFS why is she still trying to stick her foot in the door, how many times will we need to say this?"

Agree with PP, the texting and decs are total red herrings. OP is seriously overinvested in her ex's business, and that's the issue here.

sassandfaff · 02/12/2019 12:22

Also, op didn't ask the dp. She asked her dd's DF. Why is it up to the DP to decide if he is allowed some of his dd's decorations?
Why is her veto sacrosanct?

WooMaWang · 02/12/2019 12:25

I've read both your threads, OP. I really think you need to step back and leave them to it. Address only the issues (with your ex - like paying for things) that actually matter.

Honestly, I cannot even begin to understand why you'd give any thought at all to your ex's Christmas tree. It is weird to want any say in how it's decorated (whether motivated by what you think is best for your DD or not). Leave them to do whatever they had planned and he happy that you have all DD's personalised ornaments.

sassandfaff · 02/12/2019 12:28

I'm not a step mum. So maybe I am biased.....but I'm getting more than a whiff that the only issue is that it was a suggrstion from the 'ex wife'.

She's not picking your next car or asking for a say in what colour to decorate your dining room ffs.

She suggested to a dad, that he might like some of his daughter's baubles for his tree.

This seems to be an almighty touchy subject for some.

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 12:28

The OP thought it might be nice that dd's homemade baubles be on her dad's tree
If you take the position that you don't want your dsd's decoration's on the tree because the exdw asked you.......then I suggest there's something else going on there

yes, like the partner doesn't want the ex wife telling her how to decorate her tree because its plain weird?

I don't get how saying no to the ex wives unusual request is her not being amicable!

WooMaWang · 02/12/2019 12:29

@sassandfaff Tbh, he probably just agreed at the time, went home and thought 'wait. Now she's telling me how to decorate my tree'. The GF (completely understandably) probably felt the same. Rather than taking responsibility for this, the ex blamed the GF.

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 12:30

Also, op didn't ask the dp. She asked her dd's DF. Why is it up to the DP to decide if he is allowed some of his dd's decorations?
Why is her veto sacrosanct?

errr because its her house and her tree as well?

do you not have conversations with your other half? if they say no to something do you just go ahead anyway?

its called "being in a relationship"

of course the bloody issue is that it was a suggestion from the ex wife! that IS the issue. Thank the lord you can realise that. People have been trying to explain that for pages.

Courtney555 · 02/12/2019 12:30

Of course she's asking the father directly. That's what she keeps doing, messaging the father.

She's been told on her other thread (that she linked in) that her numerous texts that have got nothing to do with DD need to stop. Then, her very next move is to instigate a situation that her DD is oblivious of and message about that. She's been asked to respect boundaries and she doesn't like it. Last week (or whenever the texting was addressed) they asked her civilly to respect this, this week she's straight back on to it again, so they've just shut her down.

This really isn't about Christmas decs.

WooMaWang · 02/12/2019 12:32

It is kind of telling them how to decorate their living room though.

Why would an ex be interested in tree decorations? Maybe the DD could start to build up her own, new, traditions and decorations at her dad's?

sassandfaff · 02/12/2019 12:32

To all the women on here thinking the OP did a terrible thing.

Imagine your DP/DH isn't your DC's dad and him telling you, you couldn't put your dc's decorations on the family christmas tree. I'd tell mine to bugger off.

(Obviously those that like a coordinated tree wouldn't care, so you don't need to answer)

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 12:34

sass the thing is though, it wasn't the dads suggestion. The dad didn't ask for the decs, the dad probably didn't give a shit in the first place.

Whattodoabout · 02/12/2019 12:34

Some people have themed trees, my Mother is like this so our crafts were never allowed on the tree at all. I find it quite heartless but some people are like this. She also probably didn’t want you telling her how to decorate her tree which I can understand tbh.

Courtney555 · 02/12/2019 12:38

Imagine your DP/DH isn't your DC's dad and him telling you, you couldn't put your dc's decorations on the family christmas tree. I'd tell mine to bugger off.

No, that's not correct. For your comparison to work, it would have to be your ex DH messaging you to tell you what you and your partner should be doing in your own home with your DC.

And yes, to that, the response would be "bugger off".

sassandfaff · 02/12/2019 12:40

Bollykecks.

I don't really know where to start with that post. It made me a little sad tbh.
I understand that the the dp and the ex are in a relationship and things need to be negotiated but the dp shouldn't be affecting the relationship that he has with his child.
Can you honestly not see thst the DD might be delighted thst her baubles were on the tree?
Are is the fact that you got one over on the exdw much more important?

ArnoldBee · 02/12/2019 12:40

Just stop. Give them some space as they are establishing themselves as a family. You don't know what baggage the she has and how their relationship works. Just do as they've asked and relax.

sassandfaff · 02/12/2019 12:40

*Or is the fact

WooMaWang · 02/12/2019 12:40

@sassandfaff if DP told me his ex wanted us to put particular decorations on the tree, I'd be perplexed. He'd be even more perplexed if I suggested to him that my ex needed input into the tree.

What we do is build up our own tree and traditions with the DC as it suits us (not anyone's ex).

My suspicion here is that this OP is one of those women who were always in control of Christmas (they decide the traditions) and her ex went along with it (possibly because he didn't care enough or didn't want the effort of doing it himself). Now he's got a new partner who isn't keen on his ex deciding how they do Christmas (or live their lives generally).

Panpastels · 02/12/2019 12:42

You sound like you are looking for problems.

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 12:43

sass whether his dp affects the relationship he has with his child is up to him.

The thing is, this isn't about his relationship with his DD, because this is nothing to do with his DD. It wasn't her who suggested the baubles, and she knows nothing about him.

This is about his relationship with his ex wife, isn't it?

The DD didnt know, and we don't know whether the DD gives a shit about the baubles, she is 5. Also, she would probably be equally happy about going out with her dad and partner and starting new traditions, buying a bauble for their tree.

Its not about getting "one over" on anyone. Its about them being able to live their life, inc the dd, how they want and not how the ex wife wants.

Why is everything deemed to be a competition with blended families? good Christ, its exhausting.

sassandfaff · 02/12/2019 12:43

If my ex dh asked me to put some of my child's decorations on my tree with a new dp, it wouldn't even occur for me to say no. Especially not as a point scoring exercise.
He wouldn't even need to ask ffs. I'd be asking him if I could have some.

WooMaWang · 02/12/2019 12:44

@sassandfaff it's NOT about the child though. It's about what the mother has decided the child wants. We know nothing about how the child actually feels or how the tree is being decorated. For all we know, they could be taking the DD to help choose the bloody decorations. The problem here is that the OP wants things done in her ex's house the same way they are in hers.

There's no evidence that the child's relationship with her father is adversely affected. In fact, having the mother dictate how that relationship should be is likely to cause problems.

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 12:45

sass why do you think this is a point scoring exercise?

the dad didn't ask, that's the bloody point. Its all well and good you saying you would, doesn't matter! he didn't!

sassandfaff · 02/12/2019 12:45

I'm sorry, but this is so sad that everyone sees the suggestion for a dad to have his child's baubles on his tree as not being able to live their lives as they want.

Really?

sassandfaff · 02/12/2019 12:46

I was responding to someones point bolly.

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 12:50

sass because that is exactly what it is!

the insinuation that the refusal of the baubles automatically means the relationship is ruined, the SM is a silly bitch etc is such a massive over reaction.

For all we know, they have started a lovely new tradition this year, which would be just as nice as the baubles. I think its sad that nobody seems to think that's possible!