Leaving alcoholic husband

[helloblodyn]

My husband drinks around 70 units a week, has fallen i to a self loathing with work/life, says he hates life in general and feels that he cannot cope with being a new father. He is receiving professional help for an eating disorder.

Throughout my pregnancy and our babys short life so far we have been in a cycle of arguments which end up in me being blamed for whatever worries he has. The situation is emotionally abusive eg I am told to shut up if I bring up his drinking, called an idiot, he threatens me with his own life, he tells me I need to change, he says i am 50% responsible for this, threatens to sell the house, tells me I need to work longer hours so he can go part time.

I have decided I've had enough but when I have told him we would be better separated for baby's sake before this affects my wellbeing anymore he refuses to accept it, raises an argument then some time later carries on as if nothing has happened. Makes comments about looking forward to future events. He is in complete denial and terrified of what 'the world' will think if his perfect life turns out to be a fraud. He seems to only think about himself.

Has anyone had any experience of this type of situation who can share their experiences?

Hi OP. My alcoholic husband has also just moved out. I had managed to break through enough of his denial a while ago to get him to agree to see a counsellor specialising in addiction. We went for the first session together and he didn’t like what he heard and refused to go back. It seemed silly to waste the expertise and so I have gone back to see the same counsellor for advice and a bit of venting! I am finding it really helpful and especially important to me to have somebody who has plenty of experience of of alcoholism and understands that particular brand of chaos. It might be worth googling and phoning a few counsellors to get a feel of whether they seem right for you. Hope that helps. Good luck!

No don’t go through all of this grief again alongside him. You don’t owe him that. He doesn’t need you for that. He needs his own counselling and to develop his own new support system for his future without you. It would be counterproductive for him - he needs to reflect, change and grow on his own journey.

He wasn’t alongside you when he was behaving badly or when you were struggling to make it work or when you were trying to separate gently.

All of his bad behaviour during these times has drained you of energy, positive emotions and preoccupied you which meant that you couldn’t give your everything to your baby. He doesn’t get to take even more from your baby whilst you shoulder his grief on top of your own.

All of his bargaining (job etc) is unsustainable so don’t fall for it.

You have made massive progress - keep going - but you seem to have some FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) towards him. This needs to be cleared and reprioritised towards YOUR recovery from this abusive, toxic, neglectful, dysfunctional relationship so that your baby can have at least one fully attuned positive stable confident emotionally present parent.

UKCP will have a list of accredited psychotherapists to work with. If you ask around amongst friends, family, colleagues you may get some recommendations. Meet maybe 3 face to face and only go with someone who you feel the best connection with.

Thanks everyone for your ongoing support empathy and kindness. I'm just so apprehensive of everything- the solicitors potential fees are worrying me. I've only returned to work this month and have funded my maternity leave so have used up a lot of my savings. He has continued without change in his financial situation. Trying to function normally at work and keeping a brave face around colleagues as well as managing him and his emotions, and most importantly keeping peaceful around baby is just all getting on top of me i think. On top of this baby has spent a few nights in hospital this week which has given me an extra blow. Just having a mopey vent really!

So sorry to hear about your baby - that must be v heartbreaking. This is the very toughest time in your life - that is why you need to drop this bit:

“as well as managing him and his emotions”

He isn’t concerned about yours. Worrying about him doesn’t achieve anything just drains your finite reserves. Best to put in strategies to protect you from his psychodrama by emotionally and physically detaching. Maybe only communicate through email once a week around separation specifics. And yes time to see a psychotherapist and keep leaning heavily on friends and family right now as it is in these weeks and months when you really need their support.
I don’t know what to say about the legal bills - there are divorce and legal forums on here that might have advice to keep costs down.

You are doing all the right things. Just need to make sure you have accessed the emotional support to bolster you through this most difficult time. But it all will be so much better for you and your baby.

Thank you again. I'm feeling better today, think a better sleep has helped with baby being better. Trying my best to come across as fairly as possible as I know his personality and he will not like to be told whats happening or anyone suggesting he's at fault. He still feels it's unfair I haven't allowed him the opportunity to change... but he didn't think about changing for me before. It's in my interest to keep him away from the anger zone...

How are you feeling this week? Have you managed to get all the support you need?

Hi thanks for checking. Yes have continued to be supported by both families. His side confirming he shouldn't be left alone with baby overnight. Solicitor sending letters next week. Just feel relief that the family are supportive of me x

That’s quite an achievement to have his family on board supporting you. Is he still out of the family home? Will you have to move house?

Yes he is out. Making demands to come back but they agree he is not fit with the baby because of recent behaviour. Ideally would like to keep the home but am open to moving- depending on how agreeable he is

Hope everyone is well. Not been on for a while, and feeling like a little check in may help me. All going ok so far, he is out the house and looking for other places. Family continue to support. My issue is... he is being 'too nice' to me and it's throwing me off. I'm having to really focus on the bad history and reasons for this happening- with all the strain of the divorce it's weakening my resolve to have him being so supportive, even complements me. I'm finding I am just focusing on each day and ticking off all the things I need to do. Im exhausted so would be really easy to give in to him - has he changed? I know it's wrong, it's just hard isn't it.

No he has not changed at all. It’s all an act and one he cannot maintain.

Carry on as you have been doing with separation from him

The act will slip, don't worry.

Just focus on what you and your baby need from now on. He's had his chance.

You've got this

I was with an alcoholic partner for many years, he got sober in the end but although the abuse stopped he was a very selfish manipulative person with little regard for me or our children. They do not stop being alcoholics when they stop drinking the disease is still there and it is not easy to live with. I still suffer from PTSD today as a result of the psychological abuse. Stay away from him, remind yourself you owe it to your child, and yourself to have a better life. I am happily married now but I wish I hadn't wasted all those years. He did a job on my head so I thought all the problems were my fault and i was lucky to have him! Sounds ridiculous but if you are told something enough you eventually believe it .Get as much support as you can from friends and family and I recommend counselling as it helped me enormously.

Thank you I feel ai just needed to reach out I feel ashamed to think that I am missing him because he is being so well behaved. I just feel lonely and stressed and tired. I know a lot of this will feel better once I am free and its the stress of the situation thats draining me

He keeps saying 'if this is what you want' lets do it amicably, wanting best for baby 'if this is what you want' i want to scream it isn't what i wanted you you caused this!! Having to keep calm in order to preserve my mental state is hard

I've changed my name but have posted previously on here as I was with an alcoholic husband for years and know how difficult it is to split up with them, they do not make it easy. I would also advise minimising contact with him to protect yourself emotionally, I cannot stress that enough and doing everything via email to do with finances house etc as mine denied he had said this or that. Mine also said he was "too ill to work " after a while so he didn't have to pay me child maintenance so I would definitely take the advice of previous poster on here and get a clean break settlement if possible. That way he does not have any financial control over you. I'm.sorry this sounds dramatic but it's a result of years of problems I experienced. There is no way you would only get 50 percent of the house if you are the main carer of the child. I'm not sure how things stand for legal aid now as it was cut significantly but I think you may be able to get it if there was domestic violence you have to be able to prove this though from police report or doctors visit at time. You didn't mention this so I'm not sure it applies. I think that mediation may be cheaper and they try and get people to try this first before court. I found this awful as my husband was so manipulative and angry and I was scared of him, but you don't have to be in same room as him, you are in separate rooms and the mediator goes between. I really wish I had done this. Mediation did not work for me and we ended up going to court which was expensive even though I got legal aid you still have to pay it back when you sell the house and it incurs interest. Things will get better I promise

My friend was in a similar situation. They had a baby - he really wanted to be a father. He said it would be the making of him, he would take control of his life, stop drinking and be the best father he could be. Predictably it wasn't and he didn't. His drinking got worse as he struggled with being a parent. He became more argumentative and the relationship ended in a violent attack on my friend. She never thought it would escalate to this extent. Be brave for yourself and protect your child. You know what you must do. Good Luck

Thank you. It's good to check in and just get other's experiences. Theres no physical violence. He has agreed to mediation i didnt realise it could be in separate rooms that makes me feel better- when i did counselling with him i was a wreck just because of how calm and to the point he was

My ex is threatening asking for increased custody of the baby unless I agree to his financial settlement which is not in my favour. He won't be able to care for them plus won't want to but i'm afraid their narcissism will mean they will go for it out of spite. I am getting abusive nasty threatening messages but interestingly I've stopped biting and have started giving short factual answers and he's turned a bit needy, repeatedly asking if I'm ok. I'm sure he's bluffing to blackmail me but I am scared of losing resident parent status. It's going to be a long journey...

You need to stay completely cool. The courts treat residence and financial settlements as completely separate issues. Residence is decided in terms of what is in the child's best interests, and your baby is still very young.

Keeping your responses cool, calm and factual is exactly the right thing to do. You may wish to consider getting a separate phone for his messages, so that you can control when you look at them and when you respond - you can simply turn it off and then turn it on when it suits you.

It didn’t take long for the mask to slip when he was manipulating you with compliments and the pitiful and goading “if that’s what you want”..... well done for resisting that.

As PP have said, absolute minimal contact which is purely to deal with factual legal issues. Suggestions on here are things like another phone - or block him on your phone and email contact only - emails are directed into a folder which you read only once a week. You can ask a friend to scan them before you read them for any abuse and he needs to know the process. You will respond x days later after taking legal advice.

Each contact from him is triggering, undermining and designed to hurt, punish and demolish you in a spiteful revenge. If you let this in it will hurt your RS with your child. You don’t have to take it in. Block, filter, censor - to manage it. Warn him that any abuse is malicious communication and this will be taken to the police. It’s stalking and harassment. You don’t need to respond to him or endure this. Share this will his family in a “concerned” way - they will clip his wings. Sunlight is the best disinfectant.

Expect the bullying, threats, pleading etc - head them off at the pass. Don’t engage it just gives him fuel and ammunition to keep wounding you and your child.

Keep your family and friends close - they will want to support you through these v tough few months. It will all be better soon.

Thanks. At the moment I'm checking all with a solicitor before getting back to him and they are helping me not give in but I feel I am gambling as I don't know to which extent he'll go to hurt me. The issue is all these exchanges are costing me.
We had said we'd do mediation but does anyone have experience of this in this type of situation- do they help resolve financial disagreements and have an input or are they simply there to referee as such? If it's the later he has said there's no movement, if its the former they may be able to make him realise he is being unfair.

I would not enter into mediation with him under any circumstances; you are not safe emotionally enough to mediate here with a person who is also your abuser. Many abusers as well furthermore use mediation to bash their target emotionally about the head with.

Make an 'ick' list of all the horrible things he did and nasty things he said.

Read when you wobble.

More than one therapists advice against the 'hopium' (how you wish it was instead of what it really is)

OP I am in a very similar position staring divorce proceedings with my alcoholic husband and getting the angry messages from him etc. I am still waiting for him to start using the kids against me to bully his way through the financial settlement, but I know it’s coming! As others have said, stay strong, keep your head. In Legal terms, the kids and the finances are two separate things, so let him try. I’m sure you have plenty of evidence you can use to show he is not worthy of more contact. I also recommend counselling for you. I am finding it hugely helpful. Best of luck!